I think he's calling off the wedding...

[AppleBee321]

Is it unreasonable to come home from a night out at 4am when you're in a relationship? I did this twice last January and it causes major issues in our relationship and it was rocky until March. He then proposed in April and since then we have been planning the wedding and everything was fine until 3 weeks ago when I went out again and again came back around 4am as I lost track of time. When I got back we started arguing and he said he doesn't know if wants to marry me anymore, I thought he was saying this was out of anger but since then he refused to speak about it or continue planning it when I bring it up.

He's not very social and doesn't really go out, he just works, goes gym and spend time with his family, we have a joint weekend business that we run together. However he's not controlling and seems to only have a problem with me coming back late. He's 27 I'm 29. Any thoughts would be appreciated x

[Herejustforthisone]

He said he trusts me but doesn't want his women in nightclubs as he knows that I'll be getting hit on.

🚩 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

I think you should call it off and tell him to fuck off. What kind of controlling, misogynistic bullshit is this, he’s spouting?

[KettrickenSmiled]

@girlmom21

@KettrickenSmiled clearly it's not a fact when I said "there's a good chance"

I wondered why you needed to throw shade at the OP by inventing shit.
Glad to see you owning that the invention is not fact.

[girlmom21]

I haven't thrown shade at the OP @KettrickenSmiled. I've simply highlighted the fact that her boyfriend might not have known she was cheating on her ex at the time. You've suggested he absolutely knew. We don't know either way so you shouldn't be basing your opinion on that fabrication either.

You often speak a lot of sense very rationally and other posters take note of what you say, so I think it's just important to keep that balance until we know either way.

[10HailMarys]

@AppleBee321

I'm just worried that everything will fall apart now, we've been together for nearly 6 years and he treats me good and is dependable. He said before in January that me staying out until 4am is a deal breaker for him. He said he trusts me but doesn't want his women in nightclubs as he knows that I'll be getting hit on.

Absolutely DO NOT marry this man.

[Herejustforthisone]

Is @booboo82 the poster who always changes name, always had ‘82’ in their name and is always unreasonable?

[VisaGeezer]

It's the losing track of time that's the issue

No, it's most definitely not.

[VisaGeezer]

@GreyCarpet

Agree with this tbh.

I don't.

Op saying it hasn't sat well with him for quite some time how they got together, plus the comments about "his woman" in clubs and other men, plus the punishing for staying out late on the rare occasions that op does it .. .. all show that there's way more behind this than communication/manners issues on nights out.

He's untrusting, controlling, possessive and sexist.

[VisaGeezer]

@girlmom21

I haven't thrown shade at the OP @KettrickenSmiled. I've simply highlighted the fact that her boyfriend might not have known she was cheating on her ex at the time. You've suggested he absolutely knew. We don't know either way so you shouldn't be basing your opinion on that fabrication either.

You often speak a lot of sense very rationally and other posters take note of what you say, so I think it's just important to keep that balance until we know either way.

Even if he did not know about ops long distance bf when they got involved.. . He has clearly found out in the 6 years since.

It was then up to him to pronounce it a deal breaker and break the deal, not stay in the relationship for 6 years, plan a wedding etc while expecting to stop her from staying out "late" once or twice a year, she only is twenty fkg six. Even if she was older, still not reasonable.

[VisaGeezer]

His comments about "his woman/women" in clubs and other men tell you everything you need to know about his mentality and agenda.

[Naunet]

Thats fine, you don't have to agree, but you do have to respect it, discuss it, come to an agreement around it etc if you want to be in a relationship with that person

What?!! No, women do not have to respect men or their misogynistic suggestions when they try to control us. And by the way, boundaries are something you put on your own behaviour, not on anyone else’s. If she’s crossed a boundary of his by being one of ‘his women’ and being in a club, then it’s on HIM to leave.

[KettrickenSmiled]

@girlmom21

I haven't thrown shade at the OP @KettrickenSmiled. I've simply highlighted the fact that her boyfriend might not have known she was cheating on her ex at the time. You've suggested he absolutely knew. We don't know either way so you shouldn't be basing your opinion on that fabrication either.

You often speak a lot of sense very rationally and other posters take note of what you say, so I think it's just important to keep that balance until we know either way.

You created a scenario where OP was lying & cheating 6 years ago, & has done something untrustworthy on one of her occasional late nights out. That was unnecessary. OP is the one being manipulated here, by a man who sounds like he has the potential to ramp up to horrible levels of coercive control, & it was unfair to make accusatory statements about her being responsible for his "doubt" when it's pretty clear he's controlling, not doubtful:
there's a very good chance that he found out, chose to forgive and then she gives him reason to doubt.

I did appreciate the measured tone of your response though - thank you.

[misslucy92]

@KettrickenSmiled

Oh just saw that you cheated on your ex with him and he knows.
Of course he knows. He was there. In bed with OP.

That‘s why I’d never date someone who has cheated. I understand him having trust issues.
But OP's b/f didn't choose not to date her @misslucy92
He chose to be with her for 6 years, he chose to ask her to marry him.
He is now brandishing a circumstance he accepted 6 years ago over OP's head, as if he had no personal choice in the matter.
So it's clearly an excuse.

He still can’t set you a curfew like a dad would.
No he can't, but he feels entitled to, He reckons OP is his possession.
He offered to marry her hoping that this would force her to give up her couple of late nights out a year. It didn't work, so he withdrew the offer, to control her into compliance. See PP's comment upthread "this is a compliance test."

If she stays with him, this will NOT be the only issue he manufactures to control her with.

I think you need counseling so you can work on your trust issues.
OP doesn't have trust issues.
Neither does her fiance - he has CONTROL issues.

Well, I guess you’re the expert🙄

[BakersYeast]

@AppleBee321

He says he feels like I'm disrespecting him, perhaps he has trust issues because when we got to know each other I was in a long distance relationship already that wasn't really working. I did sleep with him before I fully split up with my ex. I know this hasn't sat right with him for a long time.

So basically you cheated on your partner with him and this is now on his mind when you pull all nighters? He is worried about you cheating again?

[FluffyFlower]

You two have polar views on socialising. Perhaps his idea of a future family life is staying home together cosy in front of tv/ going to bed early, and he simply can't understand what a married woman may like about staying in a club till 4 am. Does it affect your weekend business together if you need to sleep till late the following day? Do you get drunk? Does he drink at all? Did you calmly discuss why it is important for you to go out till late some nights? You could be incompatible ..

[Bookworm20]

@Naunet

Thats fine, you don't have to agree, but you do have to respect it, discuss it, come to an agreement around it etc if you want to be in a relationship with that person

What?!! No, women do not have to respect men or their misogynistic suggestions when they try to control us. And by the way, boundaries are something you put on your own behaviour, not on anyone else’s. If she’s crossed a boundary of his by being one of ‘his women’ and being in a club, then it’s on HIM to leave.

Ummm, no its not.

She knew his stance on it, decides to stay with him and then goes and does what she wants anyway. So yes, she trampled on what he told her his deal breaker is. The 'my woman in nightclubs' shite is irrelevant here and a whole other issue. The deal breaker, for him, is rocking up home at 4am.

My deal breaker in a realtionship is my DH not going to strip clubs. If he does not agree with that, he is free to walk away, but thats a hard line for me. He knows that line and he knows if he does that, it will be the end of our relationship and he has agreed to it.
If he then went out and went to strip club anyway just because he doesn't agree with my deal breaker, too right I'd bloody walk. Because he knew my boundary and chose to ignore it.

Same here with OP. Her DP has told her what his line is, and shes chosen to cross it and is now surprised hes thinking of walking away.

It makes zero difference what that line actually is. It was voiced. Both people knew about it, talked about it and I assume agreed to it. His line happens to be his DP rocking up home at 4am, for whatever reason. Which he had made clear to OP, so she knew full well.

Either person in a relationship should be able to say, actually this is a deal breaker for me if you do xyz. And the other person can then say if its something they can or cannot do. If they can't or don't agree with it, they can leave. If they can, then they should respect that and do it. Or risk the other person leaving when they decide to ignore it, which is exactly whats happening.

[browneyes77]

He said he trusts me but doesn't want his women in nightclubs as he knows that I'll be getting hit on.

Ah right. So basically he’s insecure.

And his insecurity is making him controlling 🚩

I know you said he isn’t, but this is controlling behaviour.

If he genuinely trusted you, then it wouldn’t matter if you’re being hit on, because he’d trust you to handle it and would know nothing would come of it.

The fact he’s bothered about you being hit on, means he doesn’t actually trust you not to act on it.

[VisaGeezer]

*twenty fkg nine, I should've said

[RavenclawsPrincess]

He said he trusts me but doesn't want his women in nightclubs as he knows that I'll be getting hit on.

“His” women? Ugh. Big red flag.

Also, so what if you get hit on? What matters is what you do about that. He clearly doesn’t trust you. This one has future coercive control written all over it. Run like the clappers.

[VisaGeezer]

You two have polar views on socialising

They actually don't.

He doesn't want "his woman" in clubs.

He doesn't want "his woman" to stay out fairly late occasionally/rarely.

He has told "his woman" he had issues with her behaviour when they got together 6 years ago.

Op barely ever stays put late.

Op, it sounds like, doesn't often go to clubs.

So they don't have polar views. That would be op in clubs every week and staying out v late regularly.... They don't.

And it's not about the socialising ... It's about control because he thinks he owns her and he doesn't trust her.

And would he the same with any woman.

[Naunet]

@Bookworm20

Ummm, no its not.

She knew his stance on it, decides to stay with him and then goes and does what she wants anyway. So yes, she trampled on what he told her his deal breaker is. The 'my woman in nightclubs' shite is irrelevant here and a whole other issue. The deal breaker, for him, is rocking up home at 4am.

My deal breaker in a realtionship is my DH not going to strip clubs. If he does not agree with that, he is free to walk away, but thats a hard line for me. He knows that line and he knows if he does that, it will be the end of our relationship and he has agreed to it.
If he then went out and went to strip club anyway just because he doesn't agree with my deal breaker, too right I'd bloody walk. Because he knew my boundary and chose to ignore it.

Same here with OP. Her DP has told her what his line is, and shes chosen to cross it and is now surprised hes thinking of walking away.

It makes zero difference what that line actually is. It was voiced. Both people knew about it, talked about it and I assume agreed to it. His line happens to be his DP rocking up home at 4am, for whatever reason. Which he had made clear to OP, so she knew full well.

Either person in a relationship should be able to say, actually this is a deal breaker for me if you do xyz. And the other person can then say if its something they can or cannot do. If they can't or don't agree with it, they can leave. If they can, then they should respect that and do it. Or risk the other person leaving when they decide to ignore it, which is exactly whats happening.

You said it yourself, if he crossed that line, you would leave. So it’s on him now to leave, she does not agree to his control/‘boundary’. Men (or women) do not get to lay down the law and restrict the other persons perfectly normal freedoms, and expect that person to agree to these laws on the spot or leave. What they get to do is have their own boundaries, communicate them and then later, if they feel that boundary has been crossed, they can leave. Your husband agreed with your position on strip clubs, so it’s a different situation.

[GreenManalishi]

since then he refused to speak about it

he doesn't want his women in nightclubs

I wouldn't care how much effort this man started to put into planning a wedding, there is absolutely no way I'd be walking down any aisle towards him.

If you can't sort this out now, you've got bog all chance of being able to navigate the really difficult, important life changing shit that will come at you throughout the course of your marriage, it's a non starter.

Don't do it.

[SillySausage81]

He said before in January that me staying out until 4am is a deal breaker for him. He said he trusts me but doesn't want his women in nightclubs as he knows that I'll be getting hit on.

My ex used to get really angry about me staying out late on a night out (I was in my early 20s and a student). He was convinced that nightclubs and late nights were inextricably linked to sordidness and sleaziness, and - like your SO - was preoccupied with me getting hit on even though "of course" he trusted me! It was just the other men he didn't trust!

Well it took me far too long to work out that if he actually trusted me then it wouldn't matter if I got hit on every time I walked down the corner shop, because nothing would ever come of it, so his constant worrying about me "getting hit on" (which was mostly in his imagination anyway) was actually a sign that he didn't really trust me, or have any respect for who I truly was. It also escalated into more controlling behaviour.

It probably sounds reasonable to him to say "be home before a certain time", but actually it puts a strain on your whole evening if you have to be watching the clock, especially if you're enjoying yourself and you have to cut it short for no other reason than his insecurity. It's shit. Two late nights in 12 months at the age of 27 is not excessive. Stand your ground.

[MysteryBelle]

So in six years the only boundary or as others call it ‘red flag’ he has mentioned is you staying out at nightclubs at 4 am getting drunk and not letting him know if you’re ok or what. Nightclubs, staying out all night, getting drunk to the point you ‘let time slip away’, not letting him know when you’re coming home or if you’re ok, those things by themselves are of concern to any committed person in a relationship. He asked you to please not do that. That it is a dealbreaker. Then you do it again. He now questions himself on the wisdom of marrying you. You said yourself he is not controlling. There are plenty of people who do not want a spouse who gets drunk at nightclubs until 4am. So you need a bf, fiancé, husband who thinks that’s noble and fantastic haha like some of the posters here. To me, that is the red flag, getting drunk until 4am and sloshing in without letting anyone know if they’re ok before that. Immature. What sounds fun for some sounds dumb to others. So you need someone who holds your same priorities.


I am with him. Same if it were reversed and it was a man doing this, I’d be on the other side.

[SillySausage81]

I understand that many posters think that this man is controlling. However, he's already raised the fact that he doesn't like her coming home at 4am. In a way that's a boundary, really other posters are right in saying 'is this relationship right for you OP?'. It sounds like they both want different things, perhaps just completely incompatible.

Yeah, they do want different things. OP wants a husband who treats her like a partner, not a possession, and who actually trusts her not to sleep with random men who hit on her. She wants someone who doesn't impose curfews as if he's her bloody dad and she's a 15 year old child. Whereas he wants an obedient wife who does as she's told.

[KettrickenSmiled]

@MysteryBelle

So in six years the only boundary or as others call it ‘red flag’ he has mentioned is you staying out at nightclubs at 4 am getting drunk and not letting him know if you’re ok or what. Nightclubs, staying out all night, getting drunk to the point you ‘let time slip away’, not letting him know when you’re coming home or if you’re ok, those things by themselves are of concern to any committed person in a relationship. He asked you to please not do that. That it is a dealbreaker. Then you do it again. He now questions himself on the wisdom of marrying you. You said yourself he is not controlling. There are plenty of people who do not want a spouse who gets drunk at nightclubs until 4am. So you need a bf, fiancé, husband who thinks that’s noble and fantastic haha like some of the posters here. To me, that is the red flag, getting drunk until 4am and sloshing in without letting anyone know if they’re ok before that. Immature. What sounds fun for some sounds dumb to others. So you need someone who holds your same priorities.


I am with him. Same if it were reversed and it was a man doing this, I’d be on the other side.

You are blithely skating past the clear warning signs of a man who uses language like "my woman" & "disrespecting me", as well as the many PP who have experienced the slippery slope of coercive control & how it initially manifests.

You've also invented a scenario in which OP is "getting drunk" & "not letting him know", & "sloshing in". None of which you know as a fact.

I am with him. Same if it were reversed and it was a man doing this, I’d be on the other side.
You think anybody in a relationship shouldn't be 'allowed' two late nights out a year? That is insanely controlling,