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Original poster

Dad and Husband Disagree HELP!

165 replies

PositiveThoughtsWine · 02/01/2023 21:47

We’re getting work done on the house. My Dad very kindly offered to help and we really appreciate his help. Due to work and childcare commitments we can only work on the house certain days.

Anyway, today he’s helping. Me and my Husband start laughing about how much there is to do. My Dad gets really annoyed and starts shouting “You should have decided what you’re keeping and where things are going. You’re so disorganised, this isn’t funny.” He then starts telling me and my husband what to do - My dad was clearly annoyed.

My husband calmly told my Dad, “I really appreciate your help, however in this house we’re relaxed and we don’t speak to people like that. Today is the day we’re sorting and making decisions.”

To cut the story short my Dad left. Now I’m stuck between them, both are telling me the other person is in the wrong. My husband doesn’t understand my Dad has always been this way. My Dad doesn’t understand that my husband is more relaxed. Help!

OP posts:
GCSquirrel · 02/01/2023 21:49

I think all you can do is thank your dad for his offer but decline any further help from him. It’s not compatible and it’s not going to work. All that will happen is you’ll al become resentful of one another. Just suck it up and accept the work is going to take longer.

Onnabugeisha · 02/01/2023 21:49

What was your Dad supposed to help with exactly?

Warspite · 02/01/2023 21:51

What a shame but I’d Keep out of it if you can.
Make a contingency plan for help from elsewhere in case they don’t patch it up?
If it’s early days into the project it doesn’t look good does it!
Your home, your project, to manage as you wish.

U1sce · 02/01/2023 21:51

Surely you bring your dad round once all the sorting has been done as that isnt something he can help with?
I can understand your dads a bit annoyed but he cant come into someone elses house and start shouting the odds.

Hercisback · 02/01/2023 21:51

So he arrived to help and no one knew what he was helping with?

I can see why he's pissed off to be honest.

Youarethesun · 02/01/2023 21:52

If today was all about decision making why was your dad there?

IncompleteSenten · 02/01/2023 21:53

So what was your dad round to do today?

OnemoresliceofChristmascake · 02/01/2023 21:53

Crikey - for context, did your dad come expecting to get stuck in and find nothing ready (cleared etc).

Imo both were wrong. Your dad should have said 'Ah, give me a shout when you're ready to start and I'll help where I can' and left.

Your DH shouldn't have treated him like a toddler (yes, what he said was true, but I would feel patronised as heck if I'd come round to help someone and they were just giggling and messing around and then told me off).

Alexandernevermind · 02/01/2023 21:53

Tell them they are being unfair by putting you in the middle of it all.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/01/2023 21:53

If this is how your father normally behaves, it's rather foolish to have him help. Your husband's style and your father's just won't work well together.

ExtraOnions · 02/01/2023 21:54

Neither is right or wrong (though I do think your husband sounds a tad patronising).

You and your husband crack on, and don’t ask your dad for anymore help.

By “relaxed” do you mean disorganised ? Because when it comes to getting trades in to do work, all a “relaxed” attitude will get you is a great big bill..

Iamblossom · 02/01/2023 21:54

I'm not sure this helps you much but omigiddy aunt I wish my husband was able to manage his irritation with my dad as well as your husband did his.

What a calm reasonable way to just say "back the truck up, this is what we are doing today, and don't speak to me like that in my own house".

Kudos to your DH.

Original poster
PositiveThoughtsWine · 02/01/2023 21:54

@Onnabugeisha emptying the spare room, taking some shelves down and some old picture rails. So me and my husband could work on the bathroom. I got the impression he was upset that we hadn’t sorted the room in to things to keep and things to go in the skip. That’s what were doing when he started shouting.

OP posts:
Adultchildofelderlyparents · 02/01/2023 21:58

Your dad is giving up his time, presumably for free, to help you out with some hard work, and he arrived to you and DH laughing and being childish. Then your DH was rude and patronising, talking to your dad as though he was a toddler.
If I was your dad I'd be fuming too. Learn to appreciate family support with gratitude!

Onnabugeisha · 02/01/2023 22:00

Thank you @PositiveThoughtsWine for the update.

I think your Dad was being overbearing then. Most people don’t pre-label what is going where prior to emptying a storage room. So I think your DH was right to step in when your Dad started to shout and call you disorganised.

I also think your Dad was right to leave, emptying the room was so obviously not something he could help with and so asking for help with that was wasting his time tbf.

I think in future, it would be best to only have your Dad for specific tasks and the job site be all ready for him if he arrives. If he agrees to come back that is.

meatballsoup · 02/01/2023 22:01

Your husband didn't do anything wrong. He was firm and respectful. He was right to lay down a boundary in his own home. If this was a post about a mil & dil the dil would be cheered on for standing up to the mil

Tohaveandtohold · 02/01/2023 22:06

I can see why your dad was unhappy with the situation. He has already given up his time and was there to help however you and your husband has not sorted what you want him
to do. Would you expect him to waste another hour waiting for you to sort out what you need that instead of doing it, you were just there laughing. I would be pissed off as well.

Your dad could have just walked out instead of shouting and really your DH was also patronising. They need to sort it out between each other.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/01/2023 22:11

Neither is right or wrong (though I do think your husband sounds a tad patronising).

The father was dead wrong. Even if he was annoyed, shouting at them is totally unacceptable, and it's not being patronising to tell someone you won't tolerate that shit in your home.

Original poster
PositiveThoughtsWine · 02/01/2023 22:13

PositiveThoughtsWine · 02/01/2023 21:47

We’re getting work done on the house. My Dad very kindly offered to help and we really appreciate his help. Due to work and childcare commitments we can only work on the house certain days.

Anyway, today he’s helping. Me and my Husband start laughing about how much there is to do. My Dad gets really annoyed and starts shouting “You should have decided what you’re keeping and where things are going. You’re so disorganised, this isn’t funny.” He then starts telling me and my husband what to do - My dad was clearly annoyed.

My husband calmly told my Dad, “I really appreciate your help, however in this house we’re relaxed and we don’t speak to people like that. Today is the day we’re sorting and making decisions.”

To cut the story short my Dad left. Now I’m stuck between them, both are telling me the other person is in the wrong. My husband doesn’t understand my Dad has always been this way. My Dad doesn’t understand that my husband is more relaxed. Help!

To those asking “What was Dad there to do?”

Empty the spare room, take some shelves down and some old picture rails. So me and my husband could work on the bathroom. I got the impression he was upset that we hadn’t sorted the room in to things to keep and things to go in the skip. That’s what were doing when he started shouting.

OP posts:
GlassBunion · 02/01/2023 22:15

So your dad came to help todo up a room and you hadn't sorted things to keep and things to chuck. While you wanted to work on the bathroom with your husband?

You should have sorted that room beforehand. Surely?

SugarplumFairyyy · 02/01/2023 22:16

I see the difference in dynamic. Your dad must have felt a bit overwhelmed and annoyed and when your OH said "we don't talk to each other like that", it may have made your dad feel a bit foolish and patronised. I'm not saying it's wrong OH said that as it seemed to be in a calm manner but it just sounds like Dad got a bruised ego with his junior putting him in his place.
I think they will get over it to be honest.
I dont know if your dad is the type to want to talk about it or if he gets over things quickly?

WoolyMammoth55 · 02/01/2023 22:20

Hi OP, from what you've said I think your DH was wrong and your Dad is in the right.

Basically though you (if you're the person organising your Dad's help and time) are the one who messed up, by not telling your Dad what time you'd be ready for him to arrive.

It it was me, I'd text a few days before: "Hi Dad, we're going to start sorting the crap out at X o'clock, do you want to come and join in with that? You're welcome! Otherwise come at Y o'clock when we'll have it cleared ready for the shelves to come down. Thanks again!"

PP who said 'if this was decision making time then why was your dad there?' is bang on, you and your DH were wasting his time by not prepping before he arrived. Just because he's gifting you his time, doesn't mean it's not really rude to waste it for him...

He's the one doing you a favour so your DH needs to be the bigger person and apologise for any crossed wires, any impression you both gave that you don't value his time, and say that you'll try to communicate and prep better from here on out but if he doesn't want to help any more that's fine too. You love him and your relationship is more important than the free DIY help.

Your DH needs to step up and apologise otherwise your relationship with your Dad might be really affected.

musingsinmidlife · 02/01/2023 22:22

How could he empty the spare room if nothing was sorted? Just move 100% of it to another space? Throw it all out? Make decision himself about what to keep or toss?

I don’t really understand how he was to spend his time on arrival. Sorting out a room is usually done by the people who own the room contents as they usually make decisions about what to do with it. And your husbands comment to him makes it seem that it was you and DH who were going to sort the room.

it sounds like you didn’t value his time and it sounds like he wanted to ‘get things done’. Probably best he doesn’t help.

Tinkerbyebye · 02/01/2023 22:23

So your dad gives up his time and your husband speaks to him as if he is two years old and has definitely been patronising towards him

you dad was expecting you to have done something and you hadn't, you should have told him before he came what was going to take place so he understood you hadn’t sorted stuff as he thought

if I was your dad, after being spoken to like that I wouldn’t be helping again

pictoosh · 02/01/2023 22:23

Was the stuff that needed sorted in the way of the tasks your dad was there to do?

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