Dad and Husband Disagree HELP!

[PositiveThoughtsWine]

We’re getting work done on the house. My Dad very kindly offered to help and we really appreciate his help. Due to work and childcare commitments we can only work on the house certain days.

Anyway, today he’s helping. Me and my Husband start laughing about how much there is to do. My Dad gets really annoyed and starts shouting “You should have decided what you’re keeping and where things are going. You’re so disorganised, this isn’t funny.” He then starts telling me and my husband what to do - My dad was clearly annoyed.

My husband calmly told my Dad, “I really appreciate your help, however in this house we’re relaxed and we don’t speak to people like that. Today is the day we’re sorting and making decisions.”

To cut the story short my Dad left. Now I’m stuck between them, both are telling me the other person is in the wrong. My husband doesn’t understand my Dad has always been this way. My Dad doesn’t understand that my husband is more relaxed. Help!

He lost his temper because someone else made him?

your H isn’t enabling this like you have, and you’re trying to make out he should.

as someone else said, if your h was a woman standing up to her MIL there’d be cheering from the rooftops

And the woman’s H not supporting her would be roundly called out as unacceptable

OP's Dad is not a paid tradesman there to do a specific job, he is a family member there to lend a hand. Not the same.

Exactly. He's a family member doing it for free. He should be treated better than a paid stranger.

Re: the flat pack - already pointed out by someone else that you've got the wrong end of the stick on that one.

I just said flat pack to follow your analogy. Is it really that important?

Clearly a royal "we" in terms of being grateful. It wasn't her husband that asked the dad it was the dad that offered.

The ops dad offered his help for free and turned up on the day he was asked to. If her husband didn't appreciate it, then hes not just rude in how he treated his fil but also very ungrateful.

Thank you, everyone. I think I’ve always just rolled with my Dad’s behaviour for an easy life, well to avoid confrontation and now it’s all blown up.

Thanks for all your advice, I’ll need it moving forward I think.

Okay. Having seen your forget posts, though I still think your disorganization and giggling was irritating, your dad shouldn't have shouted.

But it would have been far more effective and less patronising if your DH had just stared straight at him with a steely glare and said "do not shout at me".

The 'in this house..' bit was patronising, and the 'we're relaxed..' bit was justifying your disorganisation. Both of which would raise your dad's ire. Whereas your DH standing strong and focusing on not being shouted at would throw your dad, and leave nothing for him to criticise.

If the subject comes up again with your dad, your DH should just say "I will not be shouted at in my own house"

"Having seen your forget posts"?

Having seen your LATER posts!

I'm really curious, all those posters saying the fact that OP's DF has given up his own free time to help somehow entitles him to lay down the law re. how fast OP and DH should be getting their job done - how does that work? If you're helping another person in their own home surely it's them who sets the pace?
Genuinely surprised at the number of people who think father's behaviour was anything other than presumptuous and agressive.

I don't think that it's an excuse for him laying down the law, but I am of the opinion that if a person offers to help in their own time and without expecting payment then there should be a degree of thanks for doing that. So being ready and not mucking about would be my expectation. I don't think there should have been any shouting but if another is doing you a favour then understand that they don't have to be there. If I paid a tradesperson to work on something on Monday I would be ready for them on Monday and have done what needed to be done in order for them to get cracking. Time is money. In this case the father could be doing something else but has offered to help. BTW' a soft word turneth away wrath'.

If someone had given up their time to help you out, it's really disrespectful to waste it, simple as that.

If OP & her DH weren't ready and still had loads to discuss, they should have said to the dad before he come round -
"Dad, sorry, we aren't prepared, we've still got loads to work out, today is the day we're sorting and making decisions. If you still want to help out, could you make it another day/later on."

Not waste his time bimbling about and having a laugh.

How is sorting out a room not helping out? The dad just didn't like that job and his son in law's approach so he decided to have a good old shout about it like, by OP's own admission, he always does.

The reference to flat pack was a specific prior incident that OP mentioned where her Dad did not like how her husband was approaching the job of assembling some flat pack kitchen units and had a shout at him then as well.

OP's husband had already mentioned to OP previously that he did not like her Dad's shouting and controlling behaviour and was not going to tolerate it. I very much doubt he was rushing to get the man round to put him in another situation where he could shout at him again.

The reality is you've decided which side you are on and are not comprehending OP's additional posts which show this was far from an isolated incident of a man losing his temper from being badly treated. This is a pattern of repeated bad behaviour that has already caused OP's husband to raise concerns about it and how it may impact their future child. That's fine you have every right to be wrong.

If you were busy and hadn't had the time to get everything ready for the tradesman and they shouted at you for it, would you be happy? Would you want them to continue working in your home? Would they be in the right for treating you that way?

The answer is, of course not.

The reality is that it is not about whether OP and her husband should have been better prepared or not it is that her Dad has a history of losing his temper at family members to the point that her husband has already mentioned it as an issue of concern for him and something be was not going to tolerate. Isolating it to a single incident and blaming circumstances and other people is exactly what people who engage in regular poor behaviour towards others do to try and minimise it.

No, I would be paying them for doing bugger all, so it would not happen. And if a family member volunteered to help me I would be ready for them because I am grateful for the help. I wouldn't be mucking about and treating the situation like a joke. And as I said much earlier they would be better paying for the work to be done.

So... You asked your dad to help sorting out a room, including putting up shelves, clearing stuff out.

Your dad got annoyed because you hadn't made all the decisions, cleared the room, got it ready to his satisfaction, before he arrived and so he shouted at you both.

Your husband told him that that behaviour isn't welcome in his house.

And some posters are still defending your dad for whom the worst things that happened was his daughter used some of his time. No mention of his treating both you and your DH like children, chastising 2 adults in their own home for not doing things his way!

I'm another who thinks your DH got this right. You may choose to meekly accept such bullying behaviour. But your DH doesn't, nor does he have to accept it for his own child.

How is sorting out a room not helping out? The dad just didn't like that job and his son in law's approach...

No. The op and her husband had to sort stuff out and make decisions. The father can't make decisions on what they should throw out. You'd be reallly kicking off if he chucked a load of his sil's clothes and itvturnedvouts not what themselves wanted.

OP's husband had already mentioned to OP previously that he did not like her Dad's shouting and controlling behaviour and was not going to tolerate it. I very much doubt he was rushing to get the man round to put him in another situation where he could shout at him again.

You're just surmising stuff now. Youve already said that when the op said, we're grateful, she was not referring to her husband. So youve negated what the op said because it doesn't fit your narrative.
Now you're saying her husband didn't really want him to help at all. In that case, if he's such a hotshot on how people should behave towards each other, why didn't he decline him coming instead of just rudely dicking him about and wasting his time?

The reality is you've decided which side you are on and are not comprehending OP's additional posts which show this was far from an isolated incident of a man losing his temper from being badly treated.

The reality is that you haven't read my posts. I grew up with a shouter - it's not my favourite way of being communicated with. On most occasions where I would not agree with the father. But in this case, I don't blame him. He was messed around, his time wasted and was insulted by his sil. Honestly, the more I consider the situation, the more angry I am on his behalf.

@Eleganz you speak so much sense! Thank you for your coherent responses.

When I think about his mannerisms I certainly don’t want him loosing his temper with my child in the future which is my husband biggest concern and I see it now too.

I guess some posters are so hung up on the original question they can’t see the bigger picture, which I now see. He’s controlling and short tempered which isn’t acceptable.