Dad and Husband Disagree HELP!

[PositiveThoughtsWine]

We’re getting work done on the house. My Dad very kindly offered to help and we really appreciate his help. Due to work and childcare commitments we can only work on the house certain days.

Anyway, today he’s helping. Me and my Husband start laughing about how much there is to do. My Dad gets really annoyed and starts shouting “You should have decided what you’re keeping and where things are going. You’re so disorganised, this isn’t funny.” He then starts telling me and my husband what to do - My dad was clearly annoyed.

My husband calmly told my Dad, “I really appreciate your help, however in this house we’re relaxed and we don’t speak to people like that. Today is the day we’re sorting and making decisions.”

To cut the story short my Dad left. Now I’m stuck between them, both are telling me the other person is in the wrong. My husband doesn’t understand my Dad has always been this way. My Dad doesn’t understand that my husband is more relaxed. Help!

We need more men like your husband. Yet it seems more are accepting of your dads ways of going things. Depressing.

No, we need less men like her husband who are happy to waste other peoples time because it's being given for free. He sounds totally thoughtless and self-absorbed.

I think you’ll find it was OP as well not just DH

I think you’ll find it was OP as well not just DH.

I agree. I already told her they were both rude. Her poor dad, having his time wasted and being lectured for being annoyed about it. How taken for granted must he feel.

The way to deal with that though is not belittling and shouting. Use your big adult words to communicate. ..
Express disappointment that you feel your time was wasted..
Walk out stating they can rearrange when they are ready
Walk out stating you are not available to deal with this

Don't shout and tell adults how to manage their home.

Use your big adult words to communicate. ..

You're as patronising as her husband!

So you think it is okay to shout and bawl at people if they are not doing this as you like, in their own homes?

Getting so angry that you are shouting at someone means you've lost control. There are clearly some situations where that would be understandable - putting up a few shelves in your daughter's home isn't one of them. Totally unhelpful overreaction and everything that followed was a result of that behaviour.

@Eleganz this is literally what my husband said!

I’m not sure how much of my additional posts you’ve read but the bottom line is my Dad has a short fuse in most situations and starts shouting at people. It’s just the way he’s always been. My husband however, has had enough and said “I’ve let this go on long enough. It needs nipping in the bud before our daughter is old enough to be on the end of it.”

I'm struggling to disagree with your husband I'm afraid. It seems he is not going to accept behaviour that your dad has been indulged in by his family.

Your dad obviously likes things done his way and it is clear that, if he had been in control, someone would have had stuff in the room sorted (is this something he would have done or left to your mum?). He is, of course, entitled to his opinion and he may well be right that things will go faster if you follow his method. What he isn't entitled to do is blow up at people because they aren't doing things his way or aren't behaving in a way he thinks is the right way. He could have expressed himself in any number of better ways to get his point across.

@Eleganz I suppose because we’re all just so used to him I never questioned him. Thank you for being kind but honest.

Your husband sounds lovely OP. I hope you can stand up to your dad yourself in the future too if needed, which I’m sure it will be as I’d be shocked if your dad changed.

My 'father in law' (not married but we've been together nearly 14 years) is a control freak who expects everyone to do exactly what he says/thinks is right, all the time. A recent example is that between Christmas and the New Year my mother in law has broken her hip - she broke the other one 2 years ago, both have now been replaced. However, for the last 3 years she's been experiencing early symptoms of what could be dementia...her doctors have been trying to get her to have the necessary tests since she broke the first hip. Father in law thinks he knows better than 4 doctors, and has actually stopped her from having the tests. Told the doctors at the hospital she's currently in that not only is she not having the tests, they aren't 'allowed' to discuss dementia with her at all when he's not there. It's fucking awful and is causing my partner (only child) a lot of distress, particularly as he's worked in an associated field for nearly 25 years, so is well aware of the early warning signs/symptoms.

He tried his control bullshit on me when we were first together (I was 40) - I told my partner that he was his father, not mine and if I wouldn't take that type of crap from my own parents, no way on Earth would I take it from anyone else's! As a result I've been no contact with his parents for nearly 9 years. I live 200 miles away from them and we don't have children, so that makes it a lot easier.

Your husband was right in what he said to your father. Your father doesn't get to throw his weight around in someone else's house, for a start!

Then, knowing exactly how your father is, and knowing exactly how your husband is, you were very foolish to accept your fathers offer of help. Knowing that he would be arriving to a situation that would inevitably annoy him.

@Adultchildofelderlyparents A lot of people on here are telling me that continually shouting at people to control them because you’re annoyed isn’t “just this way he is.” It’s actually abusive. Something I’ve never thought off. I always just thought I needed to toughen up.

You do realise you’ve just told me my Dad’s behaviour is my fault.

Getting so angry that you are shouting at someone means you've lost control. There are clearly some situations where that would be understandable - putting up a few shelves in your daughter's home isn't one of them.

But he's not angry about putting up a few shelves. He's angry that his daughter and sil have so little respect for him and his time that they get him round to do them a favour and then not only have they not done the prep before he arrives but they treat it all like it's a joke and then the husband bold-facedly says that that day was for sorting and decision making. In that case they shouldn't have wasted the father's time getting him to go that day. That's just very rude behaviour and that disrespect can make you very angry. It would me.

@MarshaMelrose this was my original thinking. After lots of people’s different questions I’m getting the impression that shouting at people because you’re not happy is not okay. He’s always been like this, if he disagrees with you or gets annoyed about what you’re doing he’ll shout. Whether it’s in my house, his or a restaurant. I always just thought I needed to toughen up as “this was just him.” After all we are all different people.

I want to be sympathetic because I grew up with a shouter- my mum. So I do understand. However, you say you appreciated your dad's offer but you treated him with zippo respect or sympathy. He had the courtesy to show up as arranged to do some work for you. But you and your relaxed husband couldn't be bothered to do the prep beforehand so we're happy to waste your dad's time while you two fannied about laughing.

I got the impression he was upset that we hadn’t sorted the room in to things to keep and things to go in the skip. That’s what were doing when he started shouting.

Of course that's what he was blinking cross about. He's giving up his time and you're messing him around, you think its a joke and then your husband tells him you had had no intention of sorting the room before he came. So why ask him to come? Who isn't going to get cross about that?

It's OK your husband being relaxed and calm when no one is asking anything of him and actually it's him that's asking favours of others. If you said your dad kicked off because you didn't have a brand of coffee he liked, I'd thoroughly support you. But you disrespected him by showing him that you believe your time is more important than his. He put himself out for you and you showed no appreciation or remorse at your lack of preparedness. I don't blame him for shouting.

As I said before, shouting is not on. However, you barely answered any of the questions and I think you withheld information asked in clarification because it would show you both in a poor light. Best do your own DIY in future.

@paintitallover I wasn’t aware I hadn’t answered any of your questions. I must have missed you post. What was the clarification? I’ll happily explain anything further, to help resolve this issue.

My dad was like this. He offered to help me fix up my kitchen which was wonderful. However he decided when he'd do it and just came round with my uncle and started. It would never cross his mind to consider anyone else and whether it was convenient or not. He also expected me to drop everything to help, even though I was extremely busy at the time. We ended up having a furious row, and he stomped off.

He did come back after I placated him because he'd left the kitchen in turmoil and I couldn't afford to get someone else in. So I sucked it up even though it was massively stressful, and never took him up on an offer of help again. 😆

This one

Have they made up yet?

“you say you appreciated your dad's offer but you treated him with zippo respect or sympathy. He had the courtesy to show up as arranged to do some work for you. But you and your relaxed husband couldn't be bothered to do the prep beforehand so we're happy to waste your dad's time while you two fannied about laughing.

I got the impression he was upset that we hadn’t sorted the room in to things to keep and things to go in the skip. That’s what were doing when he started shouting.

Of course that's what he was blinking cross about. He's giving up his time and you're messing him around, you think its a joke and then your husband tells him you had had no intention of sorting the room before he came. So why ask him to come? Who isn't going to get cross about that?

It's OK your husband being relaxed and calm when no one is asking anything of him and actually it's him that's asking favours of others. If you said your dad kicked off because you didn't have a brand of coffee he liked, I'd thoroughly support you. But you disrespected him by showing him that you believe your time is more important than his. He put himself out for you and you showed no appreciation or remorse at your lack of preparedness. I don't blame him for shouting.”

This. It’s not ideal that your dad shouted but it is very possible to behave hurtfully and badly to people without shouting at them. You and your DH shouldn’t assume you’re completely in the right just because your DH isn’t the one shouting. You also need to look at what the situation was as well as how the situation was handled. You did mess your dad about. I’m not surprised he got annoyed.

I think you've made a few assumptions there.

Still doesn't mean that the shouting was acceptable or that OP's H enforcing how he wishes to be treated in his own home were unreasonable.

Ah, I did see this. No he hasn’t his day job is office based. He does the odd handy man job around his house, shelves, painting etc but always pays tradesmen. He always offers his help with all of us (grown children) He always says he likes to be in control of situations and it makes him anxious if not, this has never bothered me but clearly bothers my husband.

Did the husband ask OP's dad for help? I haven't seen OP state that at all. She said her dad offered.

I suspect that after being shouted at previously by her dad OP's husband was probably not bothered about his help to be honest, I certainly wouldn't have been. It was made clear that the dad's behaviour was far from an isolated incident and he is someone who can't even keep his cool when putting up a bit of flat pack furniture.