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Original poster

Dad and Husband Disagree HELP!

165 replies

PositiveThoughtsWine · 02/01/2023 21:47

We’re getting work done on the house. My Dad very kindly offered to help and we really appreciate his help. Due to work and childcare commitments we can only work on the house certain days.

Anyway, today he’s helping. Me and my Husband start laughing about how much there is to do. My Dad gets really annoyed and starts shouting “You should have decided what you’re keeping and where things are going. You’re so disorganised, this isn’t funny.” He then starts telling me and my husband what to do - My dad was clearly annoyed.

My husband calmly told my Dad, “I really appreciate your help, however in this house we’re relaxed and we don’t speak to people like that. Today is the day we’re sorting and making decisions.”

To cut the story short my Dad left. Now I’m stuck between them, both are telling me the other person is in the wrong. My husband doesn’t understand my Dad has always been this way. My Dad doesn’t understand that my husband is more relaxed. Help!

OP posts:
TheCatterall · 02/01/2023 22:23

@PositiveThoughtsWine if your FIL lost his rag with you and started shouting at you and being snarky and you politely called him on it and he stormed off… would you expect your partner to support you or just say ‘you know what he’s like you should have just let him stand there and talk down to you in your own home’….

I can tell you which option I would not find acceptable.

your partner was calm, polite and stood up to someone being unnecessarily rude. Just because that’s what your dad is like doesn’t make it acceptable.

if he’s told your dad to F’off etc then I can see an issue.

#TeamHusband

pictoosh · 02/01/2023 22:25

Could he access the shelves and picture rail? Was the room ready to be emptied? Dyswim?
I wouldn't want to waste my free time watching you and dh sort through your belongings.

saraclara · 02/01/2023 22:27

PP who said 'if this was decision making time then why was your dad there?' is bang on, you and your DH were wasting his time by not prepping before he arrived. Just because he's gifting you his time, doesn't mean it's not really rude to waste it for him...

He's the one doing you a favour so your DH needs to be the bigger person and apologise for any crossed wires, any impression you both gave that you don't value his time, and say that you'll try to communicate and prep better from here on out but if he doesn't want to help any more that's fine too

All of that. He gave up his time at a point when you actually weren't ready for him to do the useful stuff. And you were just mucking about.
If I offered to give up my time, I'd want those I was helping to have shown that they value it, by actually being ready to go.

And Jeeze, your husband was REALLY patronising.

bestchristmasever · 02/01/2023 22:28

saraclara · 02/01/2023 22:27

PP who said 'if this was decision making time then why was your dad there?' is bang on, you and your DH were wasting his time by not prepping before he arrived. Just because he's gifting you his time, doesn't mean it's not really rude to waste it for him...

He's the one doing you a favour so your DH needs to be the bigger person and apologise for any crossed wires, any impression you both gave that you don't value his time, and say that you'll try to communicate and prep better from here on out but if he doesn't want to help any more that's fine too

All of that. He gave up his time at a point when you actually weren't ready for him to do the useful stuff. And you were just mucking about.
If I offered to give up my time, I'd want those I was helping to have shown that they value it, by actually being ready to go.

And Jeeze, your husband was REALLY patronising.

Yeah this.

confusednewbie · 02/01/2023 22:29

I think your husband was incredibly patronising. ‘In this house…’ i’m surprised your dad didn’t give him a seriously strong talking to before leaving.

Hercisback · 02/01/2023 22:29

How could he have emptied a room if he didn't know where he was putting the stuff? You're in the wrong here OP.

Phone him and apologise.

MarshaMelrose · 02/01/2023 22:32

Adultchildofelderlyparents · 02/01/2023 21:58

Your dad is giving up his time, presumably for free, to help you out with some hard work, and he arrived to you and DH laughing and being childish. Then your DH was rude and patronising, talking to your dad as though he was a toddler.
If I was your dad I'd be fuming too. Learn to appreciate family support with gratitude!

100％ Your dads giving up his time and you two couldn't even be bothered to get a room sorted and thought it was funny. And then your husband was an arse to him. How very rude you both are.

Restlessinthenorth · 02/01/2023 22:35

Your husband sound insufferable. Imagine speaking like that to someone who was giving up his time and expertise to help you! I'd be furious if my husband spoke to my dad in such a patronising manner. Do it yourselves if you don't the courtesy to be ready for your dad to make a start

rwalker · 02/01/2023 22:35

Tbh I don’t see why your DH is the bad guy
Your disorganised but that doesn’t give your dad free rein to start shouting at you like kids

problem is with parents they still think there too if the tree and don’t grasp that they dynamic has changed

if this was a thread about a DIL and MIL doing the same there’d be a round of applause the response your DH gave

saraclara · 02/01/2023 22:36

Seriously, I'd far rather that someone snapped at me than did that smarmy, patronising "in this house.." thing. Your DH was obnoxious.

RandomPerson42 · 02/01/2023 22:38

I don’t see how you expected your dad to do anything if you weren’t ready and hadn’t already sorted stuff - you were very disrespectful of his time.

Restlessinthenorth · 02/01/2023 22:39

I've just reread your post and actually it's worse than I thought! I'm not surprised your dad started "telling you what to do"; you clearly need it as you sound like a pair of disorganised teenagers! You can't truly think it's ok to ask someone to come help but to have not made your "decisions" or prepared the areas you want them to work? I'm presuming the "relaxed" that you refer to is actually code for a bit wet/idle/entitled?

gamerchick · 02/01/2023 22:40

I'm with your dad. You should have had the room ready for him to get stuck in. Let him off with helping and do it yourself and you can laugh and be as laid back as you want.

glasshole · 02/01/2023 22:51

I'm with your dad. I will happily help with things that I am skilled at with diy etc but if I turned up expecting to do tip runs and remove dado rails and actually they expected me to sort through their stuff I'd be royally pissed off as it isn't my junk to sort through! For me, my time is precious and if I give it up to help somebody out I expect to be actually helping. Not sorting through THEIR tat. So yeah I'd feel like I'd wasted a day when I could have made other plans AND the people that is offered to help didn't understand that a wasted day is exactly that. They wouldn't be getting the offer again.

XanaduKira · 02/01/2023 22:52

ExtraOnions · 02/01/2023 21:54

Neither is right or wrong (though I do think your husband sounds a tad patronising).

You and your husband crack on, and don’t ask your dad for anymore help.

By “relaxed” do you mean disorganised ? Because when it comes to getting trades in to do work, all a “relaxed” attitude will get you is a great big bill..

I thought this too.

Xrays · 02/01/2023 22:54

Another one with your dad. You should have both already sorted out what you want to keep etc.

paintitallover · 03/01/2023 04:19

Has your dad got building skills and is that why he is helping? If so, he may be wondering why he was there that day, as shifting stuff around isn't building. It's fine to go at your pace and certainly right to say you don't want shouting, but your dad would be right to feel his time is being wasted if my hunch is right. If so, delaying his start would be a simple matter of communication.

LinesAndDot · 03/01/2023 05:19

Another one agreeing with your Dad. Sure he could have expressed himself better, but I see why he was annoyed.

I also think your DH was patronising. Again, really he could have expressed himself and made the same point in a more respectful manner, that also acknowledged what you and your DH had done wrong and why your Dad was annoyed.

You seem young not to get this. I agree with others that once you’ve had some tradespeople in you’ll realise pretty quick that ‘sorting and deciding’ is done in advance and people’s time is valuable and costs money.

I’d be speaking to your DH and apologising to your Dad for your disorganisation and calling him in to help to early.

Ponderingwindow · 03/01/2023 05:28

I’m used to dealing with relatives who when they start shouting, it is inappropriate and at a minimum brings back bad memories. That is the baggage with which I read the op. Language like, “in this house we speak to one another with respect” is exactly how one deals with having a relationship with formerly abusive relatives who are trying to do better. It isn’t patronizing, it is setting firm boundaries.

I suspect this scenario reads very differently to different people. Even op’s husband may have his own background that influences his response.

WandaWonder · 03/01/2023 05:29

If you, dh and df all knew who was doing what when he showed then no I don't get your dads issue. If he just showed up unannounced type thing

But if you are having someone help then I presume they need a plan of what to do

If you can't work like that then maybe pay professionals is the best way

I can't imagine offering to help, turning up if the plan is for me to be there at said time then it is just waiting around for you to both workout what you want to do then

Youarethesun · 03/01/2023 05:39

So you get your dad round, get him working on clearing the spare room while you 2 stand around having a laugh and joke and have a deep discussion about what to keep from the bathroom?

ivykaty44 · 03/01/2023 05:47

So your dad came round, but could do the job until either if you had done some sorting?

if that’s the case then both of you were being unfair to your father, sort out before he comes as it’s wasting his time

category12 · 03/01/2023 06:03

Another vote for your dad.

You guys should apologise to him for wasting his time and your dh for speaking to him like a self righteous prick.

Original poster
PositiveThoughtsWine · 03/01/2023 06:15

@Ponderingwindow my Dad has always shouted at us all when he’s frustrated or we don’t agree with him. I think I’m too soft because I get upset! I know my husband doesn’t like it though. Hadn’t thought of it like this.

OP posts:
Judgyjudgy · 03/01/2023 06:17

PositiveThoughtsWine · 02/01/2023 21:54

@Onnabugeisha emptying the spare room, taking some shelves down and some old picture rails. So me and my husband could work on the bathroom. I got the impression he was upset that we hadn’t sorted the room in to things to keep and things to go in the skip. That’s what were doing when he started shouting.

Maybe missed communication. I have gone to a friend's before to help expecting some thought having gone into a plan, got there and there was none. She didn't even have boxes or anything. That's probably what annoyed your dad, especially if you were both joking about it. Not to be harsh but if you know your dad, didn't you know what he'd expect?