Dad and Husband Disagree HELP!

[PositiveThoughtsWine]

We’re getting work done on the house. My Dad very kindly offered to help and we really appreciate his help. Due to work and childcare commitments we can only work on the house certain days.

Anyway, today he’s helping. Me and my Husband start laughing about how much there is to do. My Dad gets really annoyed and starts shouting “You should have decided what you’re keeping and where things are going. You’re so disorganised, this isn’t funny.” He then starts telling me and my husband what to do - My dad was clearly annoyed.

My husband calmly told my Dad, “I really appreciate your help, however in this house we’re relaxed and we don’t speak to people like that. Today is the day we’re sorting and making decisions.”

To cut the story short my Dad left. Now I’m stuck between them, both are telling me the other person is in the wrong. My husband doesn’t understand my Dad has always been this way. My Dad doesn’t understand that my husband is more relaxed. Help!

@SugarplumFairyyy Nope neither backing down.

Dad says husband is patronising he was only trying to help. He only shouted because Husband made him because husband didn’t have a good plan.

Husband says he’s not wrong just because my dad didn’t like his plan. He’s had enough of Dad shouting (lots of different situations) when he loses his temper or can’t get his way.

Hmm I've been in similar situation. My dad doesn't shout but gets super moody and direct. Oh had enough and told him so. He found it patronising, and stormed off and they didn't talk or back down for almost a week. Eventually they both got a bit bored and couldn't be bothered reigniting the fuel. I think they had a calm discussion a week later and they are much better now.

Who is the more reasonable of the two?

It sounds quite fresh. Give it a few more days and talk to the more reasonable one to initial some peace talks.

Failing that, knock their heads together and tell them to get over it

I wouldn't stay with somebody who's parent shouted at me. Or if i did, i would certainly not have contact with that parent.

I get the feeling that you want DH to appease dad the way you do

Well OP, let's think about this.

Which of those responses is an attempt to blame others for their own behaviour?

I think that may give you a clue here.

I didn't say your dad's behaviour is your fault, I said the situation you posted about was your fault. Big difference.

There's also a big difference between someone who has a short temper and shouts when annoyed, and someone who is abuse and controlling. If you genuinely think your dad is abusive then that's something to address.
But going by the situation you posted about, your dad came over to help you with something, you and DH had faffed around and were not ready for the help but had still let your dad give up his time and you even joked about it, your dad was rightly angry, then your DH was patronisingly rude to your dad.

@paintitallover I thought I’d tagged you.

Ah, I did see this. No he hasn’t his day job is office based. He does the odd handy man job around his house, shelves, painting etc but always pays tradesmen. He always offers his help with all of us (grown children) He always says he likes to be in control of situations and it makes him anxious if not, this has never bothered me but clearly bothers my husband.

I don't like people who shout. Personally I think he needs to learn some manners. It doesn't matter that he's 'always been like this', in that case, he's always had poor manners.

I'm not surprised your husband spoke to him in the way that he did, I expect he's had enough of his childish outbursts.

In your dad's shoes i would have turned round and gone home and withdrawn all offers of help because you are too disorganised to use his time effectively.

And while i feel he shouldn't have shouted, your DH was a patronising berk. Have fun doing it all in a disorganised way without your dad's help though.

Did the husband ask OP's dad for help? I haven't seen OP state that at all. She said her dad offered. I suspect that after being shouted at previously by her dad OP's husband was probably not bothered about his help to be honest,

The op said...
My Dad very kindly offered to help and we really appreciate his help.
If he really appreciates his father in law's help, that doesn't sound like he's not bothered. He had his father in law come round when he knew all they were going to be doing was sorting and decision making - which is not what op's dad was there to do. So he was happy to waste his fil's time.

he is someone who can't even keep his cool when putting up a bit of flat pack furniture.

He didn't lose his cool putting flat pack furniture together. He lost his cool because his daughters and son-in-law's fannying around prevented him from putting flat pack furniture together and they expected him to just sit around watching them make decisions. Pfft.

Look at it this way, if you had a leaking radiator in your boxroom which was being used for storage, you wouldn't just expect the plumber to fight his way through the clutter and to empty the room himself. You'd sort it out yourself before he came so he could get to work straightaway. If you'd do it for a tradesman, surely you'd do it for someone who was giving up his own time to help.

He didn't lose his cool putting flat pack furniture together. He lost his cool because his daughters and son-in-law's fannying around prevented him from putting flat pack furniture together and they expected him to just sit around watching them make decisions.

No - they were two different scenarios.

He shouted at OP's DH for 'wasting time' reading the instructions and checking all the pieces then got angry when he couldn't do something and DH suggested reading the instructions.

Not surprised your Dad was annoyed. He gave up his time to help and you messed abot laughing and joking like a couple of kids. And hadn't prepared properl,y

It hasn’t bothered you because you’ve grown up with it and it’s now second nature to you.

But it’s not ok for an adult to want to being control of any situation incl when other adults have different views or opinions on how to do things.
it can’t be his way or the Highway.

He only shouted because Husband made him

That would be a red flag to me I’m afraid

If your DH issue is basically that he has enough of your dad shouting and doesn’t want that to happen in front of your dd
AND
Your dad thinks it’s normal to shout in any occasion he doesn’t have full control

You have a bigger issue on your hands than DIY tbh.

You’ll have to make a choice - supporting your DH or your dad.
And thinking about what environment you think is acceptable for your dd (eg her having sleepovers and your dad reaction if she is misbehave)

I agree. I’m on Team DH. It’s not OK for someone to shout at you and order you around in your home, even if they had come over to help. Not shouting at people isn’t much to ask. DH was calm and not rude. Father took offence and left.

@PositiveThoughtsWine It’s not your job to tell two adult men to play nicely together, even if you are a wife and daughter and therefore responsible for everyone’s feelings 😉! Shut them down when they both talk to you about the other, and tell them to talk to each other.

Lots to consider! Thank you.

Clearly a royal "we" in terms of being grateful. It wasn't her husband that asked the dad it was the dad that offered. We all know that was a conversation between OP and her dad. Perhaps she could confirm if DH really had any input into her dad coming and helping out.

Re: the flat pack - already pointed out by someone else that you've got the wrong end of the stick on that one.

OP's Dad is not a paid tradesman there to do a specific job, he is a family member there to lend a hand. Not the same.

The reality is, he behaved unreasonably and knows it and is trying to blame OP's husband for losing his temper and shouting over something trivial because he is a bad tempered control freak who acts like this a lot by OP's own admission.

It’s was OP as well pissng about that made him shout

You aren’t stuck between the two of them. Your father makes a habit of shouting at people. Your husband is standing up to a bully. There is only one side here.

Nobody ‘makes’ someone shout at them. Your dad decides to.

people annoy me. How I respond is on me. I don’t shout. I don’t throw things.

No one needs to shout at others to discuss things or express emotions. He doesn’t know how to manage his emotions and decides to erupt. That’s on him.

if someone on the office annoys him does he fly off and start shouting. if so that’s unacceptable behaviour in the workplace.

if you’re at work and a coworker starts shouting at you are you ok with that? Just need to toughen up right? No.

Have to add, if you grow up being shouted at and managing someone else’s aggression to avoid being abused, it really causes an immense amount of damage. If it wasn’t extreme, you may not even realize it happened.

How do you make someone shout? 🤔

Victim blaming mentality.

Your husband handled it well.

You may or may not have been properly prepped when your Dad arrived, and if you weren’t it’s not unreasonable to be annoyed. But it is not reasonable to shout. It is certainly not reasonable to shout all the time when you don’t like something. There is simply no excuse.

You sound pretty smart so I’m a bit bemused on how you got to adulthood without realising that people who shout regularly are bullies.

Your husband has rightly called time on your father’s bullying behaviour. You need to support him, and be clear to your Dad that he needs to adjust his behaviour with you, your husband and your daughter. Other than that, no more DIY, or any other joint projects, as even if you Dad drops the bullying he and your husband have different perspectives and will always clash.

You would do well to do a bit of reading around bullying behaviour and family dynamics, you sound rather downtrodden in all this - it is not your job to be family peacemaker or to pacify difficult men.

No one can make anyone else shout. We all have control of our own behaviours.

It’s clear from the OP’s additional posts her father shouts all the time and is a habitual bully.