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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dad and Husband Disagree HELP!

165 replies

PositiveThoughtsWine · 02/01/2023 21:47

We’re getting work done on the house. My Dad very kindly offered to help and we really appreciate his help. Due to work and childcare commitments we can only work on the house certain days.

Anyway, today he’s helping. Me and my Husband start laughing about how much there is to do. My Dad gets really annoyed and starts shouting “You should have decided what you’re keeping and where things are going. You’re so disorganised, this isn’t funny.” He then starts telling me and my husband what to do - My dad was clearly annoyed.

My husband calmly told my Dad, “I really appreciate your help, however in this house we’re relaxed and we don’t speak to people like that. Today is the day we’re sorting and making decisions.”

To cut the story short my Dad left. Now I’m stuck between them, both are telling me the other person is in the wrong. My husband doesn’t understand my Dad has always been this way. My Dad doesn’t understand that my husband is more relaxed. Help!

OP posts:
RhymeHasAReason · 03/01/2023 06:17

If someone came in my house and started shouting and telling us what to do, they would be shown the door. Your husband was completely right. Let your dad have his strop.

You shouldn’t be stuck between them, you should be standing with your husband.

Because your dad has ‘always been like that’ is a bullshit excuse for a shouty angry man that can’t control his temper.

Startwithamimosa · 03/01/2023 06:19

saraclara · 02/01/2023 22:27

PP who said 'if this was decision making time then why was your dad there?' is bang on, you and your DH were wasting his time by not prepping before he arrived. Just because he's gifting you his time, doesn't mean it's not really rude to waste it for him...

He's the one doing you a favour so your DH needs to be the bigger person and apologise for any crossed wires, any impression you both gave that you don't value his time, and say that you'll try to communicate and prep better from here on out but if he doesn't want to help any more that's fine too

All of that. He gave up his time at a point when you actually weren't ready for him to do the useful stuff. And you were just mucking about.
If I offered to give up my time, I'd want those I was helping to have shown that they value it, by actually being ready to go.

And Jeeze, your husband was REALLY patronising.

Totally this. Actually really rude of you and your DH to just be faffing around when your dad has come to help you out

autienotnaughty · 03/01/2023 06:19

You are all wrong.

You and your dh was wrong because you asked your dad to come but then weren't ready for him which is really annoying.

Your dad was in the wrong for shouting.

If you want to make peace you could apologise for being disorganised (given he's the one doing you the favour here) but I'd also consider if you want your dad involved if he's liable to shout at you both.

NoSquirrels · 03/01/2023 06:21

How could your dad ‘empty the spare room’ if you hadn’t sorted it out? Presumably he also couldn’t get on with the actual DIY (taking down picture rails & shelves etc) if there was stuff everywhere. If you guys were supposed to be working on the bathroom, he didn’t think you’d be faffing about still in the spare room.

Next time, only ask for your dad’s help when you’ve done the prep work in advance. It’ll be better for everyone.

CeeceeBloomingdale · 03/01/2023 06:24

I'm with your dad. You wouldn't have a trades person around before your room's ready so don't waste his time or patronise him when he's helping you without charge.

MorningMeditation · 03/01/2023 06:25

Your dad was wrong. Shouting and telling you what to do? No way. Your husband calmly told him that it’s not acceptable. Good for him.

Mirabai · 03/01/2023 06:27

I would cringe if my DH came out with such patronising twaddle. Your dad was wrong for shouting but being twat was not the way to deal with him and simply escalated the situation.

Who asks someone round to help with a job that they’re not actually ready for? Why try to pass it off as being “relaxed”? Your dad was right it’s just disorganised and wasting his time. Why didn’t you just call him and postpone?

JanusTheFirst · 03/01/2023 06:28

Your poor dad. What a waste of his time. Very rude of both of you.

Rookriver · 03/01/2023 06:33

Actual diy aside, I don't think DH was patronising. He set a clear boundary. Surprised so many people think that was patronising.

TeamHerbivore · 03/01/2023 06:36

I’m guessing your husband knows you have always been shouted at by your dad and wasn’t going to let that happen to you or him in your house. I’m glad your husband spoke up. Your dad needs to control his temper.

TeamHerbivore · 03/01/2023 06:38

Rookriver · 03/01/2023 06:33

Actual diy aside, I don't think DH was patronising. He set a clear boundary. Surprised so many people think that was patronising.

People have very low bars. They put up with this shit for years. Good to see OPs husband expects better.

reallyneedtosleep · 03/01/2023 06:40

I think your DH and you were wrong.
How would your dad know what was staying and going from the bedroom if you hadn't sorted it first? What was there to do in the bathroom that would take two of you to do?
Your dad felt like you were taking the piss, and it sounds like you were.
Your husband to speak to your dad like that?!! If I was your dad I wouldn't be offering any further help. You need someone like your dad to put the rocket up your bum to sort the house, your 'relaxed' attitude isn't going to get the house sorted.

olympicsrock · 03/01/2023 06:41

Yes you were all wrong.
You and DH were childish and disorganised. You shouldn’t have asked him to come before making decisions about what could be removed .

DF shouldn’t have shouted ( but shouldn’t have needed to) .
Uou know what he is like and put him in that position. I would apologise to DF in the hope that he helps you in the future

category12 · 03/01/2023 06:42

Rookriver · 03/01/2023 06:33

Actual diy aside, I don't think DH was patronising. He set a clear boundary. Surprised so many people think that was patronising.

I think it's just the phrasing. It comes across quite pompous.

I do agree that the dad shouldn't shout, but he was doing OP a favour, giving up his time & energy for them, and they weren't ready and were yukking it up. It was very disrespectful - and then to get a behaviour lecture from his son in law?

Everybody's wrong but the dad was being treated respectfully for someone doing them a favour.

TerfOnATrain · 03/01/2023 06:42

I’m on dads side. It’s incredibly irritating when you offer to help someone to see them actually not making much effort themselves.

relaxed? Do you mean lazy or inefficient? No reason why over Christmas your DH couldn’t already have ripped the shelves off and done a tip run. They were open every day except Christmas Day, Boxing Day and NY day.

category12 · 03/01/2023 06:44

category12 · 03/01/2023 06:42

I think it's just the phrasing. It comes across quite pompous.

I do agree that the dad shouldn't shout, but he was doing OP a favour, giving up his time & energy for them, and they weren't ready and were yukking it up. It was very disrespectful - and then to get a behaviour lecture from his son in law?

Everybody's wrong but the dad was being treated respectfully for someone doing them a favour.

Show quote history

Was NOT being treated respectfully, dang the lack of edit!

OnemoresliceofChristmascake · 03/01/2023 06:44

I think OP knows she and DH wasted her dad’s time and is trying to make him out to be unreasonable to justify it.

Take some responsibility, or pay for help who will wait happily and let you be all relaxed and giggly on the clock.

girlmom21 · 03/01/2023 06:50

I don't think your DH was in the wrong for the way he spoke to your dad. Yeah it may have come across as patronising but that's because your dad was being disrespectful in your home and behaving in a way that isn't respectful.

Your DH was much more reasonable than a lot of the suggested responses on here often are.

ChristmasCrackler · 03/01/2023 06:53

TeamHerbivore · 03/01/2023 06:36

I’m guessing your husband knows you have always been shouted at by your dad and wasn’t going to let that happen to you or him in your house. I’m glad your husband spoke up. Your dad needs to control his temper.

I read it that way too

Original poster
PositiveThoughtsWine · 03/01/2023 06:54

@OnemoresliceofChristmascake
I’m not really sure what you are getting at? I’ve just told the story exactly how it happened. I’m not trying to make out anyone is anything, that is your own interpretation.

OP posts:
NalaNana · 03/01/2023 07:00

Wether your dad had reason to be frustrated or not he shouldn't be shouting at you and your husband in your house - your husband was right to tell him not to and everyone should be grateful that he said it so kindly.

If it were me I'd tell your dad that you don't care who was wrong or right (plainly no one is blame free) but there's no need for him to come round to help again, you'll get on with it yourselves

StClare101 · 03/01/2023 07:05

You shouldn’t have told your Dad to come over today. You wasted his time.

He shouldn’t have yelled. Your husband sounds patronising.

Probably should pay for help.

PicaK · 03/01/2023 07:06

You showed very clearly that neither of you put any value on your dad's time.
I'd have been annoyed too.
You need to apologise for being disorganised and not appreciating his help

Shoxfordian · 03/01/2023 07:11

It’s not ok for your dad to just shout at you so it’s good your husband stood up for you but he did sound a little patronising from his comment. Also you should have been more organised

knittingaddict · 03/01/2023 07:25

I don't understand the connection between sorting the spare room out and you working on the bathroom. Why did one need doing before the other?

My husband has helped our adult children with stuff around the house, but he does the things that they can't do. Sorting your own stuff is really on the two of you, isn't it?

Unlike some others, I read it that you are a bit disorganised and dad felt like you were wasting his time. The patronising "relaxed" speech would have infuriated me too.

I'm going team dad until the drip feed that he is actually a monster.

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