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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dad and Husband Disagree HELP!

165 replies

PositiveThoughtsWine · 02/01/2023 21:47

We’re getting work done on the house. My Dad very kindly offered to help and we really appreciate his help. Due to work and childcare commitments we can only work on the house certain days.

Anyway, today he’s helping. Me and my Husband start laughing about how much there is to do. My Dad gets really annoyed and starts shouting “You should have decided what you’re keeping and where things are going. You’re so disorganised, this isn’t funny.” He then starts telling me and my husband what to do - My dad was clearly annoyed.

My husband calmly told my Dad, “I really appreciate your help, however in this house we’re relaxed and we don’t speak to people like that. Today is the day we’re sorting and making decisions.”

To cut the story short my Dad left. Now I’m stuck between them, both are telling me the other person is in the wrong. My husband doesn’t understand my Dad has always been this way. My Dad doesn’t understand that my husband is more relaxed. Help!

OP posts:
ShowOfHands · 03/01/2023 07:34

PositiveThoughtsWine · 03/01/2023 06:54

@OnemoresliceofChristmascake
I’m not really sure what you are getting at? I’ve just told the story exactly how it happened. I’m not trying to make out anyone is anything, that is your own interpretation.

There's no such thing as telling a story exactly how it happened. We all interpret situations differently. Your relaxed and giggly is already somebody else's disorganised. Your Dad's shouting might be firm speech. Your husband's calm assertions might be passive aggressive and snide. Your plans might have been clear or muddled. The level of work needing doing might be small or insurmountable.

None of the above really matters tbh as we are only given your interpretation. It didn't work out as planned and you know everybody involved. Either you try again and in a way which avoids these problems and addressing the issues that you anticipate or you draw a line and come up with plan b.

Everydaywheniwakeup · 03/01/2023 07:48

I'm Team Dad. You wasted his time and when he got pissed off, had a passive aggressive telling off from your husband. I'd rather someone got pissed off and yelled anyday than a mansplaining "in my house.. " twat lecture. The shout I can excuse, the smugness would make my hackles rose instantly.

Original poster
PositiveThoughtsWine · 03/01/2023 07:52

@ShowOfHands “We all interpret things differently” was literally my point.

For a poster to suggest I know I’m wrong or I was trying to take sides when it’s an amicable post for help was factually incorrect. It was there interpretation as we all in interpret things differently.

OP posts:
WillyWonkasPony · 03/01/2023 07:52

Did you want your dad's help? I know you said you appreciated the offer. But did you actually ask him?
I'm wondering whether he is one of those dads that insists on 'helping' and then gets all cranky when it doesn't all go his way.
I suspect there's a whole heap of baggage around this (and I agree with pp who said that each poster is projecting their own baggage onto this too)

EasterIsland · 03/01/2023 08:02

Can totally see why your father was irritated. You should both apologise for wasting his time.

Original poster
PositiveThoughtsWine · 03/01/2023 08:04

@WillyWonkasPony my Dad offered but I was very grateful.

I think my Dad and husband just have two very different styles. Last time they worked together it was a flat pack furniture job. My husband took all the pieces out counted and checked them, read the instructions and then started - which does take forever! My Dad gets stuck right in. Anyway they were both putting units up my husband put something on the wrong way and asked if I could figure out why the unit didn’t fit. My Dad had finished by this point and said my hubby had wasted time at the start. Later on my Dad was putting the wardrobe up and couldn’t figure something out. My Dad started shouting. My husband got the instructions out and asked my Dad if he’d done XYZ. My Dad then started shouting it was stupid and he didn’t need to explain himself to my husband.

Clearly just two different ways of working. It normally doesn’t end in them not speaking though. I know I’ll need to refuse help in the future but I don’t know what to do now. I’m happy to apologise to my Dad he was just trying to help. Hubby said he’s had enough of my Dad’s shouting when he can’t get his own way.

OP posts:
Amazongirl9 · 03/01/2023 08:05

What I’ve picked up from what you’ve said OP I’d that your DF and DH have totally different and incompatible styles when it comes to diy. I’ve taken it that your DF gets stuck in, wants to be organised and crack on and get the job done. Your DH is a bit chill and it’s all a laugh and will get done eventually. They aren’t compatible. You’ll forever clash. And as it was your DF giving up his time to help you, it’s probably best if you just forgo his help and carry on without it. Both were wrong in the way they handled their frustration with each other.

WandaWonder · 03/01/2023 08:10

PositiveThoughtsWine · 03/01/2023 08:04

@WillyWonkasPony my Dad offered but I was very grateful.

I think my Dad and husband just have two very different styles. Last time they worked together it was a flat pack furniture job. My husband took all the pieces out counted and checked them, read the instructions and then started - which does take forever! My Dad gets stuck right in. Anyway they were both putting units up my husband put something on the wrong way and asked if I could figure out why the unit didn’t fit. My Dad had finished by this point and said my hubby had wasted time at the start. Later on my Dad was putting the wardrobe up and couldn’t figure something out. My Dad started shouting. My husband got the instructions out and asked my Dad if he’d done XYZ. My Dad then started shouting it was stupid and he didn’t need to explain himself to my husband.

Clearly just two different ways of working. It normally doesn’t end in them not speaking though. I know I’ll need to refuse help in the future but I don’t know what to do now. I’m happy to apologise to my Dad he was just trying to help. Hubby said he’s had enough of my Dad’s shouting when he can’t get his own way.

Then the only option is to either do it yourselves or get paid help

Lobelia123 · 03/01/2023 08:10

Yes, I'm also on Dad's side. He gave up his time to come help and it's kind of disrespectful that when he arrived ready to get stuck in, you weren't prepared and were still stuffing around. Would you do that to a contractor whose time you were paying for, and let him sit back and watch the meter run while you giggled and fooled around in your 'relaxed' way, or would you have prepared and be ready to get the job done? And he's probably shouty about it because of a combination of the frustration of being a more hands on, lets get it done and out the way, action-oriented person having to deal with ditherers and gigglers, and probably a long history of similar incidents that probably drive him batty. You dont have to change who you are or the way you do things, but either dont bug your dad with these kind of tasks again, or show him that youre functioning adults and prepare and be ready to go when he arrives. If as your DH so gently said, today was the day for organising and deciding, why did you leave it till the day your dad - the doer - arrived to do this....surely thats something he would have no input in and is a task for you and DH to do alone? You sound like absolute timewasters and if I were your dad Id also be hacked off.

WillyWonkasPony · 03/01/2023 08:13

Your dad sounds pretty awful to work with based on your update @PositiveThoughtsWine

Suggest you stick to having the odd coffee and chat with him and not have him involved with any jobs 💐

Sparkletastic · 03/01/2023 08:20

I think you should avoid asking for or accepting help from your father in future and you and DH should sort your own DIY out.

Ellie1015 · 03/01/2023 08:22

Your dad shouldn't have shouted.

I can understand him being frustrated if he was there to help move stuff and hanging about watching you and dh sort/organise. It was rude to waste his time, I can't think of anything more boring. And i expect if you were paying someone to empty room you would have been ready for them.

Original poster
PositiveThoughtsWine · 03/01/2023 08:22

@WillyWonkasPony I think they’re both just very different. I don’t think either means any harm.

I agree, no more DIY together. Hopefully, this will all just blow over and I’m not stuck in the middle of them both.

OP posts:
VahineNuiWentHome · 03/01/2023 08:22

I’m with @OnemoresliceofChristmascake

My dad is the type to shout a lot. I’ve learnt as a child to just ignore that and it somehow has become ‘normal’. In some way like abuse is becoming normal to the person abused. I often dont even notice it.
DH has major issues with the shouting. It’s not part of his own experience and he can’t ignore it.
From my pov, it looks like a similar situation.

I suspect you have a similar situation with the ‘room not being ready for your dad’.
In a situation like this, I would have expected him to much around WITH us. He isn’t a tradesman. He proposed to help so I’d expect him to come and help us work our way.
Of we had asked him to come over to do a specific job that we couldn’t do (like my FIL has done a few times for us) THEN, I think the expectation to have everything ready is fair enough.

Again, it’s very much an issue if two different outlooks on what it means to help out a family member.
I don’t think one is wrong or wrong. The issue is that none of you actually made the expectations clear to the other party. You’ve all expected the other person to do things like you do and it hasn’t worked,

Herejustforthisone · 03/01/2023 08:45

Your dad sounds like a dick.

loislovesstewie · 03/01/2023 09:02

From reading the update I think you were a bit over optimistic to expect things to go well. I admit I can't stand people mucking about or not being prepared so can sort of see your dad's side. If you know that they work differently I wouldn't put them together, they clearly have clashed in the past. Just accept they shouldn't work together. Ask your dad to do DIY by himself and make sure you have prepared, or pay someone to do the work.

Eleganz · 03/01/2023 09:06

At the end of the day, disorganised or not, it is your Dad's behaviour that has caused this issue and from your update it does sounds like it is not the first time he has got angry with your husband around DIY.

It sounds to me like he gave you some unspecified offer of help and then was frustrated because you were not doing what he would have been doing in that situation and got cross. Your husband was right to pull him up on that as it is not a helpful way to behave.

It maybe true that if you had already sorted the room out it would have been faster but there are ways to raise that issue that don't involve shouting at someone in their own home. The most productive thing that your dad could have done would have been to help you sort the room out so he could get on rather than having an argument with your husband and flouncing off.

I personally wouldn't be involving your Dad in your DIY in future, he obviously can't get on with your husband when doing this and it causes more problems than it solves. I suspect you would have got more done without him.

Hoppinggreen · 03/01/2023 09:10

I thought you were being unfair to your Dad until I saw “he’s always like that”.
Does your Dad often shout and throw his weight around in your house? If so I think your H actually behaved very calmly and asserted his boundaries well.
If a MIL had come round shouting I think there may be some very different responses on here

Noonesperfect · 03/01/2023 09:19

girlmom21 · 03/01/2023 06:50

I don't think your DH was in the wrong for the way he spoke to your dad. Yeah it may have come across as patronising but that's because your dad was being disrespectful in your home and behaving in a way that isn't respectful.

Your DH was much more reasonable than a lot of the suggested responses on here often are.

Yes I agree. I think DH handled it well. DF should not be shouting at you in your own home. He needs to learn to control his temper. # Team husband!

Enko · 03/01/2023 09:22

my husband doesn’t understand my Dad has always been this way.

This part of your post was the telling part for me. Your dad is used to bullying his way to getting things done as he wants. You are so conditioned to this that you do not even question this. As "its just how dad is"

No its just how dad gets his way.

Imo your husband was right in stating how the rules are in your house.

If your dad doesn't like it he can leave but he is not owed an apology. He ought to be apologising for shouting. He won't though as he is so used to you all accepting his bullying manner.

He is angry right now that someone dared to stand up to him. He wants an apology to get back into his perceived role of can do no wrong.

Well shouting and belittling is wrong why would you apologise to someone who did that to you in your home?

Anotheryearsameshitshow · 03/01/2023 09:22

Does df actually help or do you just give him stuff to do to keep the peace? My fil came to 'fix' out toilet. Dropped a wrench on the cistern and smashed it. No offer of paying for a replacement.. Unblocked the kitchen sink at his insistance... Then poured the bowl of gunk done the plughole... all over the kitchen as the pipework was still off.... Insisted he replace a cracked floor tile and broke 3 more trying to get it op..

JassyRadlett · 03/01/2023 09:56

I think both OP and DH are at fault for not setting out clearly what the jobs were going to be like or agreeing with her father in advance what he could expect.

But her father lost any moral high ground when he shouted at them and was rude to them in their own home. DH is absolutely allowed to decide what is and isn't ok in his own home and whether or not he's happy with being shouted at. He isn't, and calmly stating his boundaries and how he expects to be treated isn't 'patronising', it's dealing with things like a proper adult. He didn't shout back, he didn't flounce off. He set out what the standards are in his own home.

If it was reversed and in FIL's home, people would be falling over themselves to point out that FIL gets to decide the standards for his own home and if you don't like it, leave.

ClickClack1 · 03/01/2023 10:16

I’m getting the impression your dads communication style is to shout and yell at other people if he’s frustrated. If this is the case, he’s a rude dick no matter what the provocation as it seems that’s normal behaviour for him. It’s silly that people put up,with that type of behaviour from relations, would you be friends with someone who yelled and screamed at you if he wasn’t your dad?

BarbedButterfly · 03/01/2023 10:42

I don't get all these people who are supporting the dad. Yes I can see his point but shouting at people isn't okay and I would rather not have help than apologise to someone who thinks the only way to communicate is shouting. The husband pointed that out politely enough

TeamHerbivore · 03/01/2023 11:08

Enko · 03/01/2023 09:22

my husband doesn’t understand my Dad has always been this way.

This part of your post was the telling part for me. Your dad is used to bullying his way to getting things done as he wants. You are so conditioned to this that you do not even question this. As "its just how dad is"

No its just how dad gets his way.

Imo your husband was right in stating how the rules are in your house.

If your dad doesn't like it he can leave but he is not owed an apology. He ought to be apologising for shouting. He won't though as he is so used to you all accepting his bullying manner.

He is angry right now that someone dared to stand up to him. He wants an apology to get back into his perceived role of can do no wrong.

Well shouting and belittling is wrong why would you apologise to someone who did that to you in your home?

This.

We need more men like your husband. Yet it seems more are accepting of your dads ways of going things. Depressing.