engagement ring expectations..

[newbie224]

so recently engaged.. well 2 months or so..i hate to admit but when i saw the ring my immediate feeling was disappointment, it looked cheap like costume jewelry and not what i expected. I'm not a jewelry wearer in general so my expectations about a ring were low. i tried the ring on and it was a bit big, he said he wud get it resized for me.. so 2 months has gone past and no mention of the ring or fixing it . out of curiosity today i researched the hallmark on the ring. It says sterling silver cubic zirconia. basically cheap..i know an engagement is not about money but i know he can afford so much more.. and is extravagant in his own spending on himself... am i entitled to feel disappointed or shud the ring price matter

@C1N1C you seem to be unable to step outside your own situation and appreciate that not everyone is in your relationship, which works for you, but this is not the OP's question.

There are customs in all societies, they're all different. One of them, in this society happens to be that its fairly normal for someone to propose with an engagement ring. Part of the custom is that it's generally not something that you might find in a Christmas cracker.

If you decide to veer away from the customs that's fine, if that works for both of you, which you have done, and great for you.

OP is not out of order or unreasonable to be offended that her partner has proposed to her with a crap ring, like a teenager, when he spends much more on various items day to day for himself.

Similarly, we have a custom of giving Christmas presents to loved ones. If he had turned up with a box of Maltesers that looked like it had been run over by a bus, she would be similarly reasonable to have higher expectations. You might have a wife that wouldnt mind because she can overlook this due to all of your other attributes, but OP doesn't seem to be in the same position.

It is a really good idea to have standards, most especially when you're choosing someone to enter into the legal contract of marriage with.

Standards are a really good thing for women to have, and in my opinion, more often than not they should be raised not lowered.

Suggest the ring budget is the same as his watch.

Is it sensible to throw everything you have at a token that could be lost or stolen?
it can be insured.

It is a really good idea to have standards, most especially when you're choosing someone to enter into the legal contract of marriage with.
Standards are a really good thing for women to have, and in my opinion, more often than not they should be raised not lowered.
very good point.

There is also a very wide middle ground between “everything you have” and “£25 from Argos” for most people, certainly OP’s fiancé.

@Campervangirl

Wow, sexist!. Imagine if a man popped in here, or on DN and said "trot on, because you're a woman. Your opinion isn't wanted here".

Because women are the prize. You're welcome ☺

I think this is the most worrying part.
He's happy to splash the cash on himself but not you and you're not even married.

I have fairly expensive taste ring wise, however I wouldn't actually expect that amount to be spent but a girl can dream. If my OH spent a reasonable amount and picked something he thought I'd like then I'd like to think I'd be more than happy with that. 100 percent would not be impressed if I received what you have. Do you think he's put any effort into the ring choice? Because that speaks volumes too if he hasn't.
Sorry you're going through this xx

I think when you are into engagement rings it's important that you get something that will last. It doesn't have to cost the earth but if wearing every day you'll need a better material than what he got you.

Just wondering how the sterling silver will work beside a wedding band, if you get a decent wedding band? I know with my rings I had to make sure that the wedding band was 18 carat as my engagement ring was, something about the materials eating into each other. You wouldn't want to ruin your wedding band if you get a good one.

can i just add i do feel like he deceived me because when he gave me the ring at some point that evening joked that it wasn't cheap or something along them lines.

oh, OP, that's really rubbish.
think again

I think you need to move this to the Feminism section.

Just imagine the crucifixion on here if a guy finished with a woman because she brought him a pair of cheap trainers for Christmas.

Basically you're prioritising your selfish needs (expensive token gesture) over the security and wellness of your children?

@@C1N1C I think you've misunderstood me here. I'm saying that when a couple have children their priority becomes their welfare, so unless there's plenty of money sloshing about, a couple will choose to buy things their kids need, rather than expensive jewellery.

Re equality, if we truly lived in an equal world I'd see your point more about engagement rings being obsolete. But since we live in a world where women routinely draw the short straw when it comes to maintaining a career, pension contributions, division of labour regarding childcare, a man's attitude towards an engagement ring is still a useful indicator of what his attitude might be down the line when a woman is on maternity leave!

And all that aside, it's a custom in our society - one that he voluntarily chose to adhere to. Nothing wrong with a couple opting out, but if he's going to do it then do it properly, with thought and care.
Again, no one is saying he has to spend the equivalent of the nation debt at DeBeers, just that he needs to get something his fiancée likes, that fits her and will last.

Yes, because a Xmas gift of trainers is expected to last a lifetime and symbolises a promise of marriage. 🤔🙄

Not comparable. This is an engagement ring that OP can't wear because it's too big, and it's too cheap to be resized, it's useless.

I didn't push for an expensive engagement ring, I've already said mine wasn't expensive. And actually in interests of transparency, I thought me getting an engagement ring and my partner getting nothing wasn't fair and so I bought him an engagement present. Not a ring because he didn't want one, but something sentimental which he values to this day.

If my DH had told me that he though engagement rings were outdated symbols of the patriarchy and he would prefer not to give me one, or to exchange other gifts I would have been fine with that.

If my DH had told me that he thought rings had an environmental impact he was uncomfortable with, or he was concerned about ethics (my diamond is lab grown) then I would have been fine with that

If my DH had spend £20 because that's all he could afford I would have been fine with that

If my DH spend 100s on his clothes and 1000s on his watches and £30 on my ring I without any conversation I would have been concerned that he didnt value me.

And I outearn my husband. But that's not the point. The point is that women disproportionately take parental leave, disproportionately care for disabled children and family members, women disproportionately had to give up work during the pandemic due to childcare issues, women are disproportionately affected by the gender pay gap and women are disproportionately impacted by domestic violence and abuse

You want equality, start campaigning for better paternity leave, sure start centres, more uptake of shared parental leave, respite for disabled children, better cheaper child care, close the loopholes that allow self employed men to skip out on CMS, a better CMS system, a benefits system that doesnt penalise single parents, rather than moan men having to buy an engagement ring is unfair.

You said you were playing devils advocate and in a random conversation around whether engagement rings should still be a thing I think it would be an interesting debate.

But you have a group of women warning a woman that she might want to see this behaviour as a red flag, it could be a sign of future domestic violence and she might want to put it in the context of his other behaviour and see if its a cause for concern.

And then you come along and say 'oh devil's advocate here, in a completely different situation i did something similar so you dont need to worry about abuse stop being a gold digger'

If you think that's a moral, ethical stance to take, given 1 in 5 women will be financially abused then fair enough. I'm not keen on 'intellectual debates' when it comes to an actual individual situation

And finally it doesn't matter how much women, or men for that matter, earn they can still be financially and domestically abused. Being the breadwinner in no way stops that from happening. If you think outearning a man is enough to stop him from abusing you I would politely suggest you do not understand domestic abuse.

Why do men feel the need to hijack MN when there's a Dadsnet.

I'm a woman and my opinion - if it's OK with you - is that engagement rings are regressive nonsense and I can't believe that women these days still think they should be a thing

Indeed, but lots of people indulge in the tradition still.

No-one forced this man into proposing with a ring. Not sure why "women" are getting the blame here when he instigated the whole thing.

@Letitrainletitrainletitrain 👏👏👏👏👏

This is a good thing, hopefully it will open your eyes to the person you want to marry. If he’s defensive and dismissive about this, I’m guessing he’s this way about anything that challenges his behaviour. Please, please, please don’t treat this like an isolated incident because deep down you know it isn’t.

@Letitrainletitrainletitrain one hundred percent this 👌

There's a lot of research on girl's doing better in a single sex school because if they are in a mixed classroom the boys take up all the time, shout over them etc etc. @C1N1C has just demonstrated that on this thread. A woman posts to ask other women how they would feel in her specific situation and if her feelings are unreasonable or not. A lot of women then reply, often with the really sensible warning that a man who thinks a piece of cheap tat is OK for his fiancee but spends a lot on himself is likely to be equally tight about paying for bills etc when children come along and that this tightness may well tip over into financial abuse. A sensible nuanced debate is in progress. However, C1N1C has to jump in to give the wimmin the benefit of his opinion. Bad enough but some men can't help themselves. However he then has to revert to the schoolboy in the classroom type and go on and on and on even when he has been asked to shut up because the little wimmin don't all agree with view point now the mighty man has spoken.

I wouldn't even consider marrying a man who would give me a silver cz ring...are you sure he's the man for you?

This.
You are not unreasonable to be disappointed with silver and CZ if he can afford more.

Oh dear. I understand you OP. If the two of you had sat down and budgeted for your life together and you'd both gone, "screw the ring, we need a new roof on the house" and set the actual cost of your ring as the ring budget - you would STILL expect a lot of thought and care to go into finding one that looked pretty, that you liked, that was special SOMEHOW even though it wasn't expensive.

It's not the ring. It's the lack of thought. The lack of care. The lack of communication. The message it sends about how much he values you (would he have spent just £50 on an engagement ring if you were Taylor Swift or whoever?).

If he'd been upfront and said, "it's daft to spend that much now, we'll get a nice eternity ring for you when we have more money, but I spent weeks finding you this special unique vintage ring", and hadn't spaffed £££ on a watch for himself - that would have all been fine, no?

If he turns round and spontaneously and sincerely apologizes, and you believe he now understands how he fucked up and won't again - okay. If not... well, if you were my daughter I'd say, you can do better.