If you're thinking of/open to having an affair, please read this (coming from someone who did)

[IfYouTakeOnePieceOfAdviceTakeThisOne]

I've seen a lot of posts lately that remind me of me in the early days before I made the worst decision I ever made. I just wanted to say these things in the hope that it stops someone from crossing the line when they're being charmed and chased and feel like they've met someone who makes them feel so happy and alive.

I didn't just fuck up by having an affair. I fucked up for FIVE WHOLE YEARS because I was so consumed by the affair fog and my inability to separate reality from fantasy. I never got caught so I'm saying this without having to deal with the ramifications of that on top. My relationship had become very stale, we had been together from teens to thirties, morphed into flatmate territory, this person engineered themselves into my life, chased me when I wasn't even interested at first and made themselves indispensable. I didn't go looking for it and didn't even realise what was happening until boundaries had already been crossed.

To any of you feeling similar and getting attention from that colleague at work, that old ex boyfriend, a mutual friend etc - run, do not walk, far in the opposite direction before you engage in a phase of fantasy and it consumes your life. Before, inevitably whether after months or years, it eventually comes undone. And when it does your life will feel 50x worse than it did before when you were a little bored and lapping up the attention.

After the fall out of mine, I had to see a therapist because I went from being perfectly stable to unable to focus on my day job, eat, or function day to day. I felt suicidal and couldn't talk to anyone about it because of the shame of what I had done. I felt addicted to a person, much like a hardcore drug addiction, and had to quit cold Turkey when neither of us wanted to. My heart felt blitzed into smithereens and I felt that I had nothing to live for. All this for someone that in the very beginning, I wasn't even attracted to!

Not to mention the guilt towards other people - living a secret double life and trying to justify or downplay it to yourself, neglecting your relationship even further and fully checking out when if you reframed your mind, you could either work through it or leave and be happy in a genuine relationship. Some of the things I did I never would have thought possible of me before, and looking back now that reality has set in I'm horrified at myself. We had sex in my house, my bed I share with my partner. His house, once while his young child was asleep upstairs. My mums house, his mums house, work events. The things you will do once you're in the thick of this are absolutely disgusting and shameful.

Not only that but we had close calls a few times, but we didn't stop. We were too addicted to each other. We just found new ways to stay in touch, became extra secretive (don't ever doubt someone's ability to continue cheating if they really want to, even if you are monitoring their phone - the level of determination and creativity is next level).

I've realised that I definitely have some trauma I needed to work through and most people who engage in this type of thing suffer from self esteem issues, anxiety or general self doubt which make them susceptible to getting involved without realising what a dumb decision it is. Our affair borderlined on obsession, we barely went an hour without contact, we called each other and kept frequently in touch when on long haul holidays, we messaged continually through the work day, we even 'worked from home' together a few times.

What seems at first like harmless flirting, something you can walk away from, little chats to make you feel good about yourself, that's just dipping your toe in before falling into the lake. It's not worth it. It will all be ripped away overnight and you will have become so dependent on this you won't be able to function.

NOTHING good will come of engaging in an affair. If you want to leave your relationship, leave, take some time to learn what you want, and then you can start looking for something healthy and sustainable. An exit affair won't help you. If you want to stay in your relationship, don't play with fire, you may find yourself suddenly getting the ick with your partner or finding them intolerable because you're so wrapped up in your fantasy.

If you want to work through your issues, you need to start talking. Communication shutting down or feeling difficult was the start of where it all went wrong for me. I seem to be seeing so many posts lately of me years ago and I want to warn people of what's to come if they go down this path. So hopefully this helps someone even if nobody responds to this post.

And yes, I am very well aware of what a total asshole I've been. How I've treated my partner, how me and my affair partner have both together manipulated his partner so we could keep things going between us. You will become the absolute worst version of yourself if you do this, and like a drug addict you will do things you never thought you were capable of to ensure you get to keep the addiction going.

I'm happy to answer anyone's questions if it helps to stop people ending up like me. If you feel in a rut at home, start a new hobby, make some new friends, enrich your life in other ways.. it won't be as intense a high, but is a far better option than human Heroin.

Yes, I wouldn't want to know. Based on my post above when I went through similar it was horrible and destroyed my self esteem. I'm not saying what he did made what I did okay, but that's how my idiot mind saw it.

Regarding telling your DH - don’t hurt them just to get this off your conscience. If it was a genuine thing you’ve properly learnt from then move on, don’t tell your partner and let it be you that has to live with the ongoing pain and guilt of what you did. Or leave them if you can’t do that. They’ll still be hurt but you don’t have to maximise the pain.

Please read the full thread. It's not black and white.

Don't you think you should tell the wife?

Thank you. AP and I thought we loved each other and frequently told each other, yes. But it was a fantasy love really, or limerence I think it's called. Basically highly conditional and not really all that genuine.

I do love my partner, but he and I weren't passionate. So I thought it meant I loved AP more because we were. But fantasy is passionate and a long term relationship of living together is more settled and comfortable. I was comparing apples with oranges. I still have a lot of working out to do with my partner and I.

OP you spoke about wanting to see if your relationship is worth saving by putting your energy into it. That's admirable but I think your partner has to be able to do the same whilst knowing what you did. He may well decide not to, that's his free choice.

And if you don't tell him it will eat away at you unless you really have no conscience, which seems unlikely from what you've said. Living with hidden guilt and shame will affect your relationship too.

Be the best version of you that you can. Own your behaviours and find ways to grow so they change in the future. Good luck.

I'm so glad you saw my thread. If you can get out of this and it be your decision I think you will cope a lot better. But prepare for some really fucking tough times ahead, stay busy, find hobbies, get into the gym, and have a think with yourself about if you want to be with your partner or not. I think if you imagine them cheating on you and how that might make you feel it will help with your answer. Therapy and journaling really helped me - I know it sounds silly, but the first thing to do is make a list of all the things they do that make you want them around. Then look at how you can replicate those things in other ways or if you need to work on some things so you don't value them the same. Good luck 💕

Thank you so much for posting this. I completely agree that most people who get mixed up in this have issues that they need to work through with a therapist - and in an ideal world they'd do that before hurting anyone else.

Sounds like you've done amazingly at recognising all of this though so well done! I think a lot of my issues are around my father as well. And possibly why I did get involved with a man almost 13 years older than me.

Thank you @IfYouTakeOnePieceOfAdviceTakeThisOne - good luck to you too xx

It should be DPs choice if there is something to save. Not yours. You've lied and lied to this man for half a decade, and you're still doing it. That's the facts regardless of "not black or white."

I know I'm not a victim and could easily have said no in this - but at the same time it felt like he knew exactly what to do to get me where he ultimately wanted and it worked, and I've heard this happening before, almost like another form of 'the script' - and it's usually older guy, younger girl. It's also a particular type of person, like myself, who is less likely to call them out on their shit and eventually fall for it.

I totally 'get' where you are coming from, op, including how ill the affair made you. The hardest thing in the world is forgiving oneself. Try to see yourself objectively and forgive that person.

All the very best to you, you are already turning your life around. Everything will be lighter before too long.

How is therapy going? What are you working on?

You sound distressed but you also sound disassociated OP - would it be kinder to say to you 'Well you were clearly weren't happy so no wonder you had an affair, your primary relationship sounds rubbish dear' or is it better to point out to you that the reality of what you have done needs accounting for (for your sake more than anyone's!). If he was on dating sites - why did you decide to go for tit for tat instead of just leaving him? If you don't have sex why are you staying together? Do you love him deep down and this was one phenomenal lashing out because your ego is bruised? Do you actually want to leave but your self esteem is too low?

Thank you I'll take a look at this. I've been doing a lot of self work on why I made the decisions I made and did the things I did.

I agree, unfortunately affairs are common, it's not on par with murder but the consequences can be up there. And obviously some people view you as if you're one and the same! Yet so many people get wrapped up in it, and I imagine only a small proportion do so with intent from the beginning. (I'm not too sure about the male view, I think they can be a lot more sex driven, I was emotionally driven)

And if that happens then I will of course face the music. I won't be lying or gaslighting like him. I can't see AP doing it as it would just cause more problems for himself, his wife could if she feels she has adequate proof, I may even tell him myself.

It might not be right but at the moment I'm lying by omission not denying facts that are staring someone in the face. If it were to get to that I'd tell the full truth. Gaslighting is abuse.

Thank you, this is my viewpoint at the moment. I know some will be strongly the other way.

No I don't think that's my place to. I don't want to cause any more hurt there - I don't think it's appropriate for the AP to reach out to the betrayed spouse and reveal all. If she contacted me it might be different but I think it's inappropriate for me to try and contact her, and would only make me look unhinged so he could spin the story that way if he wanted.

If it helps, I've never been cheated on either, I'm not pouring out revenge on you OP. I just think it's one of the absolute shittiest things you can do to another person, and you did it for years and years. People deserve the chance to get away from cheaters.

I'm still working this through with the therapist. I'm not against telling him, just need to do some more work on my self and headspace before I cross that bridge.

Easy for you to judge then isn't it. You may feel differently if it were your best friend, sister, mother, daughter..

This means a lot, thanks so much ☀️

how would you feel if your hypothetical son or brother had been cheated on for 5 year?

Still working through a lot of this stuff. There is a lot to unpick. At the moment therapy is working on my childhood and the behaviours as a result - abusive dad, childhood sexual abuse (not my dad), abandonment issues, there's a whole lot in there to unpick that she's made me aware of.

I also chose a female therapist due to a male one making inappropriate comments in the past. I've been holding on to a lot of trauma that no doubt influenced my decisions above in both of these relationships.

I don't disagree with you - I'm not proud of my actions. And I'm not using my childhood issues as an excuse, but I'm hoping working through them will help me be a better person and not indulge in stupid, selfish, dangerous behaviours again.