If you're thinking of/open to having an affair, please read this (coming from someone who did)

[IfYouTakeOnePieceOfAdviceTakeThisOne]

I've seen a lot of posts lately that remind me of me in the early days before I made the worst decision I ever made. I just wanted to say these things in the hope that it stops someone from crossing the line when they're being charmed and chased and feel like they've met someone who makes them feel so happy and alive.

I didn't just fuck up by having an affair. I fucked up for FIVE WHOLE YEARS because I was so consumed by the affair fog and my inability to separate reality from fantasy. I never got caught so I'm saying this without having to deal with the ramifications of that on top. My relationship had become very stale, we had been together from teens to thirties, morphed into flatmate territory, this person engineered themselves into my life, chased me when I wasn't even interested at first and made themselves indispensable. I didn't go looking for it and didn't even realise what was happening until boundaries had already been crossed.

To any of you feeling similar and getting attention from that colleague at work, that old ex boyfriend, a mutual friend etc - run, do not walk, far in the opposite direction before you engage in a phase of fantasy and it consumes your life. Before, inevitably whether after months or years, it eventually comes undone. And when it does your life will feel 50x worse than it did before when you were a little bored and lapping up the attention.

After the fall out of mine, I had to see a therapist because I went from being perfectly stable to unable to focus on my day job, eat, or function day to day. I felt suicidal and couldn't talk to anyone about it because of the shame of what I had done. I felt addicted to a person, much like a hardcore drug addiction, and had to quit cold Turkey when neither of us wanted to. My heart felt blitzed into smithereens and I felt that I had nothing to live for. All this for someone that in the very beginning, I wasn't even attracted to!

Not to mention the guilt towards other people - living a secret double life and trying to justify or downplay it to yourself, neglecting your relationship even further and fully checking out when if you reframed your mind, you could either work through it or leave and be happy in a genuine relationship. Some of the things I did I never would have thought possible of me before, and looking back now that reality has set in I'm horrified at myself. We had sex in my house, my bed I share with my partner. His house, once while his young child was asleep upstairs. My mums house, his mums house, work events. The things you will do once you're in the thick of this are absolutely disgusting and shameful.

Not only that but we had close calls a few times, but we didn't stop. We were too addicted to each other. We just found new ways to stay in touch, became extra secretive (don't ever doubt someone's ability to continue cheating if they really want to, even if you are monitoring their phone - the level of determination and creativity is next level).

I've realised that I definitely have some trauma I needed to work through and most people who engage in this type of thing suffer from self esteem issues, anxiety or general self doubt which make them susceptible to getting involved without realising what a dumb decision it is. Our affair borderlined on obsession, we barely went an hour without contact, we called each other and kept frequently in touch when on long haul holidays, we messaged continually through the work day, we even 'worked from home' together a few times.

What seems at first like harmless flirting, something you can walk away from, little chats to make you feel good about yourself, that's just dipping your toe in before falling into the lake. It's not worth it. It will all be ripped away overnight and you will have become so dependent on this you won't be able to function.

NOTHING good will come of engaging in an affair. If you want to leave your relationship, leave, take some time to learn what you want, and then you can start looking for something healthy and sustainable. An exit affair won't help you. If you want to stay in your relationship, don't play with fire, you may find yourself suddenly getting the ick with your partner or finding them intolerable because you're so wrapped up in your fantasy.

If you want to work through your issues, you need to start talking. Communication shutting down or feeling difficult was the start of where it all went wrong for me. I seem to be seeing so many posts lately of me years ago and I want to warn people of what's to come if they go down this path. So hopefully this helps someone even if nobody responds to this post.

And yes, I am very well aware of what a total asshole I've been. How I've treated my partner, how me and my affair partner have both together manipulated his partner so we could keep things going between us. You will become the absolute worst version of yourself if you do this, and like a drug addict you will do things you never thought you were capable of to ensure you get to keep the addiction going.

I'm happy to answer anyone's questions if it helps to stop people ending up like me. If you feel in a rut at home, start a new hobby, make some new friends, enrich your life in other ways.. it won't be as intense a high, but is a far better option than human Heroin.

Have you ever started a thread on MN though? It's terrifying at the best of times! 😂

Good post. That second paragraph was exactly how it was with my ex and probably a factor in why our attempts at reconciliation didn't work (although the main factor was that I overcame the fear of leaving him and so compromising my principles wasn't worth the cost).

OP, this thread has gone how I expected it to go. Perhaps you get a sense of the pain that affairs cause from the hostile reaction you are getting. Don't be fooled, concealing will just amplify the damage if it does come out. My view is that you need to stop replying and focus on thinking hard about the big decision you need to make now.

Firstly please dont think about ending your life.Nothing is worth that.I often think in our world that Marriage is all about "Living happily ever after"The reality of course is very different.Many people seem to walk into an Affair.He came after you ,chased you,That means he was not happy with his wife.Day to day life with DC ,bills to pay and so on means people will often even subconsiously look for a way out ( A distraction ,if you like).You have ended things now, and need to look to your future .I would not tell him ,but would be very surprised if he didnt suspect something at least.Maybe a W/E away with DH or short holiday perhaps.Take things slowly at first .Dont expect miracles . You may feel you want to give your marriage another go ,or split up .Take your time ,dont beat yourself up and remember you are not the first person in this position nor the last!

@Alcemeg - yes fair point! I was a bit harsh there. Apologies

I'll stop replying for a bit now as I don't want this to turn into a bun fight. I'll check back later and reply to any other productive questions then.

It sounds to me, as though you and your AP should have left your marriages and been together. To be intoxicated for 5 years, is a long time. And neither of you are in love with your spouses. Just because you're married, it doesn't mean that you have to stay with that person forever, like some life long penance. Just leave your DH. It's over and has been for a very, very long time. I'm on my 2nd husband. Interestingly, I didn't grow and extra head or anything.

Hmmm. I think OP you maybe should read your posts on here and try and view them objectively. You talk about your AP as "engineering" his way into your life and "manipulating" you into having an affair. None of that is you taking responsibility. So although you go on to say that you take responsibility and accept you're to blame....you don't really. You're squarely blaming your AP for somehow manipulating you into shagging him.

You were a grown adult, and you know you were married. You were fully capable of refusing to get sucked in, and that would have been the reasonable and decent thing to do. You allowed him to "engineer" his way into your life. I think you need to genuinely take responsibility. You say he "initiated" the affair - that's not possible. An affair can't be initiated unless both parties participate.

I see a lot of blame-shifting language in your posts which suggests that you're nowhere near where you need to be just yet.

I'm not saying this to be nasty, just giving you an honest reflection of what I felt from reading your posts.

As for telling your DH, I can't see how anyone could forgive a five-year affair. I would imagine that would be the end of your marriage. Some people manage to forgive and move past an affair.....but five years? Oof. I can't imagine many people would ever be able to get past such a deception.

So the question of whether to tell him - what would that achieve? Clear your conscience, certainly. Give you the chance of a fresh start with no fear of being discovered, yes. But it burdens your DH with an enormous amount of pain, and probably will irreparably scar your relationship, even if you manage to continue.

Most people will default to insisting it's better you tell him. Because that's the easy and obvious answer. And it's an instinctive reaction for most of us because the idea of being deceived is so awful, it provokes a visceral response. But actually, if you are certain that you are never, ever going to do this again and can commit to the relationship with all of your heart, then I'm not sure what benefit there is to HIM in finding out what happened.

I think it's kinder to him to keep it to yourself - assuming that you're able to bear the burden and still give your all to the relationship. That's a huge ask for you, and only you know if you're able to do this. But protecting your DH from what happened is a kindness that he deserves. If you manage to get past this and have a happy and fulfilled marriage for the next 40-50 years, then what is the point of telling him now and destroying that potential? He will remain blissfully unaware and won't be scarred by your actions. You alone will bear the scars in order to protect him, and that's a real act of love.

I’ve been there, done that, ifyou.

The deceit eventually was off the scale. My phone was jail broken to install an app that lit a single pixel in the top right when he’d messaged me. My messages were in a second interface that you’d never know existed if the phone hadn’t been jail broken and hacked. I cannot believe how awful I became. It horrifies me.

I was in something close to physical agony for 3 years after it ended because I was so addicted to it all, and even today, 10 years later I think of him more than I want to. And he was nothing worth having - I invented him. The rushing around and texts every 4 minutes and lovebombing was too much of a high. It was ridiculous, teenage mentality insane and as you say, human heroine.

Now I’m just a bag of self contempt. The lies and deceit will never stop waking me with a jolt of horrified adrenaline in the small hours of the morning. The thunder bolts of shame (quite literally) force me to make odd, horrified, uncontrollable moaning sounds sometimes that get me odd looks.

Its not worth it. ifyou, my heart goes out to you. It’s a horrible path ahead. The chains we forge….

Can I ask how your affair ended? I also had one, ended my primary relationship straight away so it wasn't an affair really, broke up with my affair partner and then got back together with him. What you said reminded me of mine, the euphoria, unable to sleep etc. During the brief period we split I tried to seek the help of a therapist but it was during COVID restrictions and they were only doing phone calls...I decided not to do it and eventually we reconciled anyway. My life is a lot less stable than it was though, my primary relationship was with my best friend, there are lots of ups and downs now, anxiety etc. I cheated in very unique circumstances though as my ex and I never consummated our relationship due to alcohol addiction issues/ED/sexual issues on his part.

I just wanted to say thanks for posting this OP. If just one person who is in the very beginnings of a possible affair reads it and gives their head a shake then it was well worth your time and emotions, and that's clearly why you were willing to put yourself in the firing line here.

"What seems at first like harmless flirting, something you can walk away from, little chats to make you feel good about yourself, that's just dipping your toe in before falling into the lake."

This is so true.

Also, so many affairs start with instant messages on phones. Maybe innocent to start with. Then you start looking out for the next message, getting a thrill when it arrives. Then keeping those messages secret from a partner, because you know they wouldn't appreciate you messaging someone every week. Then every day. It does become an addiction.

It's a shame a large section of MN reacts the way it does when people want to share their experiences like this.

I'd be wary about disclosing the affair, as people are pressuring you to do.

I had a very short affair when I was married in my early twenties. XH found out within a few weeks (I'm a very bad liar and it was obvious) and he was completely devastated.

I'm 40 now and I'm still suffering from the fallout. My lovely husband turned into a vengeful monster from hell who then made it his life's mission to make me suffer. If it meant making DC unhappy in the process, XH didn't care. I now have CTPSD and DC are in therapy.

If there's any advice I'd give to my past self, it would be to not have the affair in the first place, and failing that, keep it as silent as the grave.

It would also be to leave my XH. I didn't love him like everyone deserves and we weren't meant to be together.

Also, OP. You sound stronger than you think. Personally, I think you need some time alone and to meet someone else naturally where you can start to build from an honest foundation.

Good luck and look after yourself 🌺

I haven't read the full thread yet op but it sounds to me like you're in pain that it ended, by him. I mean, were you even close to ending it all the times his wife got suspicious? It's all very well coming on here proffering advice but I'd respect that advice more if you'd seen the error of your ways, ended it and told your dh. You did none of that.

What made you make this post today OP? To me it comes across differently as advice to others of what not to do.

It feels like you need closure and this is a version of writing that letter to an ex, the one you will never send.

But you don't know how careful your AP has been? I'm sure that my best friend carefully deleted all the messages from my first H, however, he was not so clever. In fact, he got very drunk and left his phone where I could see it, and scroll through his messages (I had suspicions), and there was all the incriminating evidence right there. Your AP's wife could find proof today, tomorrow, next week...then what?

Hi OP.
I really didn't want to read and run.
Your OP sums up so perfectly exactly my feelings.
I did pretty much the same as you, I was 23 and ended up cheating with a 49 year old.

I feel like a despicable person. I am so ashamed. I feel so disgusting, a husk of a person.

Everyone does bad things.

I hope you are ok.
Feel free to pm me.

My ex left me for the OW (after 15 years and 2 children together). He won’t admit it but I have evidence and eye witnesses and it’s the fact that he won’t admit it that makes me hate him all the more. Frankly he disgusts me.
It would have given me peace to have some closure around behaviour that I was made to feel like I was imagining, I feel doubly cheated on to be honest because he has never apologised for gaslighting me over his actions.
You seem really sincere and like you understand that you’ve fucked up and are genuinely sorry but out of respect for your Dh, I hope you confess, which will likely help you overcome your own internal torture over feeling guilty, regardless of the consequences

Jesus christ, you're hard on yourself, OP. You're human, and therefore imperfect. Cut yourself some slack, for goodness sake.

Ps . Thank you for sharing this. Must have taken some guts.

I feel like it was an addiction

What a load of bullshit. All I see are excuses to why you don’t want to tell the poor sod who’s married to you.

You’ve made thousands of fucked up choices over a 5 year period (every text, a mistake. Every shag, a mistake. Every sneaky phone call, a mistake), yet you won’t tell your partner and allow him to make one decision?

Your partner deserves honesty and a bit of fucking respect. He deserves to be able to make his own choice. If he wants to stay with you then that’s great for you. If he doesn’t then that’s too bad.

Your partner deserves the opportunity to find love again if he chooses that path. He deserves to invest his time and effort into a partner who is worth that investment.

He deserves to be someone’s first choice.

Stop bleating on about how “terrible” you feel. Clearly not that terrible or you wouldn’t even be able to look at your partner.

You clearly still have feelings for the other guy, even if you have deluded yourself into thinking you don’t.

Do us a favour. Instead of typing a disgustingly selfish essay about how you’re such a sad little victim because this man “gaslit” you and made you shag him, maybe just sit your partner down and tell him you’ve been shagging another man for 5 years.

You won’t be writing vomit inducing posts on here giving people “advice” after that, anyway.

Would you have taken that advice when or at the point at which you engaged, OP? Doubt it. People don't learn from other's mistakes and never will.

I see you deleted my post. In fact I have two close friends who were cheated on and they are completely broken to this day by it. The children are also broken in their own way. It absolutely disgusts me that there are people out there like you, having sex in other people's marital bed. I've never been cheated on but I've seen lives torn apart by people who can't keep it in their pants.

All I see here are weak people. If you despise your partner so much, leave. I had opportunities to cheat, and possibly reasons to do it as I was abused, but I didn't.

what do you mean you would have told the truth by now if you were him? You aren’t telling the truth. You’re still lying to your husband?

Your DP has every right to know what you did and to make HIS OWN decision about if he wants a relationship with you going forward. Why on earth do you think that you should get to decide this for him by thinking you get to decide if you will tell him or keep it a secret?

Whether you are officially done and never intend to ever do anything like this again is irrelevant. You have lied to and cheated on your DP which means you are not the person he believes you are and your actions have already changed the dynamics of your relationship.

Don't think that you are doing him a favour by not telling him. If you didn't want to hurt him that's something you should have considered before you entered and sustained the affair in the first place. Let's be real, not telling him now isn't really about HIS feelings, it's about yours and the consequences you might face if you do. You can dress it up as trying to protect him all you like but the real reason to not tell is selfish.

And not telling is disgusting. Be an adult and own up to what you did. You don't get to dictate your DP's life and remive the decisions he might make for himself by through lying by omission.

Don't tell your DH,you're just trying to ease your feelings of guilt.