If you're thinking of/open to having an affair, please read this (coming from someone who did)

[IfYouTakeOnePieceOfAdviceTakeThisOne]

I've seen a lot of posts lately that remind me of me in the early days before I made the worst decision I ever made. I just wanted to say these things in the hope that it stops someone from crossing the line when they're being charmed and chased and feel like they've met someone who makes them feel so happy and alive.

I didn't just fuck up by having an affair. I fucked up for FIVE WHOLE YEARS because I was so consumed by the affair fog and my inability to separate reality from fantasy. I never got caught so I'm saying this without having to deal with the ramifications of that on top. My relationship had become very stale, we had been together from teens to thirties, morphed into flatmate territory, this person engineered themselves into my life, chased me when I wasn't even interested at first and made themselves indispensable. I didn't go looking for it and didn't even realise what was happening until boundaries had already been crossed.

To any of you feeling similar and getting attention from that colleague at work, that old ex boyfriend, a mutual friend etc - run, do not walk, far in the opposite direction before you engage in a phase of fantasy and it consumes your life. Before, inevitably whether after months or years, it eventually comes undone. And when it does your life will feel 50x worse than it did before when you were a little bored and lapping up the attention.

After the fall out of mine, I had to see a therapist because I went from being perfectly stable to unable to focus on my day job, eat, or function day to day. I felt suicidal and couldn't talk to anyone about it because of the shame of what I had done. I felt addicted to a person, much like a hardcore drug addiction, and had to quit cold Turkey when neither of us wanted to. My heart felt blitzed into smithereens and I felt that I had nothing to live for. All this for someone that in the very beginning, I wasn't even attracted to!

Not to mention the guilt towards other people - living a secret double life and trying to justify or downplay it to yourself, neglecting your relationship even further and fully checking out when if you reframed your mind, you could either work through it or leave and be happy in a genuine relationship. Some of the things I did I never would have thought possible of me before, and looking back now that reality has set in I'm horrified at myself. We had sex in my house, my bed I share with my partner. His house, once while his young child was asleep upstairs. My mums house, his mums house, work events. The things you will do once you're in the thick of this are absolutely disgusting and shameful.

Not only that but we had close calls a few times, but we didn't stop. We were too addicted to each other. We just found new ways to stay in touch, became extra secretive (don't ever doubt someone's ability to continue cheating if they really want to, even if you are monitoring their phone - the level of determination and creativity is next level).

I've realised that I definitely have some trauma I needed to work through and most people who engage in this type of thing suffer from self esteem issues, anxiety or general self doubt which make them susceptible to getting involved without realising what a dumb decision it is. Our affair borderlined on obsession, we barely went an hour without contact, we called each other and kept frequently in touch when on long haul holidays, we messaged continually through the work day, we even 'worked from home' together a few times.

What seems at first like harmless flirting, something you can walk away from, little chats to make you feel good about yourself, that's just dipping your toe in before falling into the lake. It's not worth it. It will all be ripped away overnight and you will have become so dependent on this you won't be able to function.

NOTHING good will come of engaging in an affair. If you want to leave your relationship, leave, take some time to learn what you want, and then you can start looking for something healthy and sustainable. An exit affair won't help you. If you want to stay in your relationship, don't play with fire, you may find yourself suddenly getting the ick with your partner or finding them intolerable because you're so wrapped up in your fantasy.

If you want to work through your issues, you need to start talking. Communication shutting down or feeling difficult was the start of where it all went wrong for me. I seem to be seeing so many posts lately of me years ago and I want to warn people of what's to come if they go down this path. So hopefully this helps someone even if nobody responds to this post.

And yes, I am very well aware of what a total asshole I've been. How I've treated my partner, how me and my affair partner have both together manipulated his partner so we could keep things going between us. You will become the absolute worst version of yourself if you do this, and like a drug addict you will do things you never thought you were capable of to ensure you get to keep the addiction going.

I'm happy to answer anyone's questions if it helps to stop people ending up like me. If you feel in a rut at home, start a new hobby, make some new friends, enrich your life in other ways.. it won't be as intense a high, but is a far better option than human Heroin.

I'm not denying any of this. I never planned to sleep with someone else, and I didn't for the first 18 months of it might I add, it was very intensely emotional at first. The difference is he had intent to start up an affair, and I was weak and stupid enough to lap up the attention and eventually jump into it.

Yes that was the first thing I did. It's dramatic alright, and it was exciting but the aftermath isn't. That's what I'm trying to say, you get swept up in bullshit like it's some great love story when it isn't.

Also OP I agree that people will take out all their bile and rage on you for daring to have an affair but you've been very brave. Wishing you all the best x

You are now cheating your DH out of an open honest relationship.

If he finds out about your affair years down the line, he will feel that not only the 5 'affair years' were a lie, but also the years of his life afterwards.

The poor guy is living a total lie, he doesn't know it and he certainly doesn't deserve it.

I've not said I was forced just that he initiated. You clearly haven't RTFT if you think that. Why would I be paying out for therapy and have suicidal ideation only to want him back. I'd not have deleted his number and been having sneaky conversations if that was the case (and was the case last time)

I feel so sorry for your H and the other wife. The poor sods. My exh had an affair, my gut reaction kicked in very early on and he lied and lied to me. But I knew. I didn’t need proof. I just knew. Your h probably knows too. But is choosing to ignore it whilst he gets his ducks in a row. My ex H was like a teenager with his first love. It was embarrassing and humiliating for him. I have absolutely no respect for my ex h or the ow. Karma will Be back.

Also my ex h played the suicide card too. I told him if he used it one more time I would call an ambulance for him.

Your DP (are you married or is he your DP, not clear?) might not have had an active role in your fantasy but he is very much involved. You should be putting your relationship and his feelings front and centre now. He doesn't deserve to be a bit player in your life, he is a human ffs, not some side story. Do you live with him?

I feel for him the most in this situation. You clearly don't respect or like him very much as you are failing to prioritise his feelings even after you have shit on him from a great height. You have fucked someone else in the bed he sleeps in nightly, the thought of that happening to me sickens me. Your DP doesn't even have the luxury of the AP's position - he is completely in the dark, that is not his fault. It might be (as you have hinted) that he doesn't care enough to notice or it might be that he trusts and loves you. You really need to get a grip and lens on your DP and relationship now - take that spotlight off yourself and your AP and shine it on your DP. If you don't want him, fine. Tell him. But you will never heal fully until you sort that out. Be a better person.

I have read the full thread. Even the therapy is part of the woe is me. What about your partner and the man’s wife??
how long has the therapy been going on? Has it been established whether the therapy is helping you with kissing this man or actually what you’ve done to your partner?

I agree with @Notimeforaname.

If you role reversed OP, would you feel you deserved to know?

You speak as though you feel remorse but to me there is not enough remorse felt to want to come clean to your partner?

Sorry but I'm not quite getting it. Why haven't you been honest with him?

Some posters said they would rather not know, I respect that personal choice but I myself would want to know out of a basic level of respect.

Oh OP why didn't you just break up with the poor sod. He'll get to look back on this on his deathbed and realise your selfishness stole 5 years of his life from him, when he could have been with someone who really valued him. At least tell him now and let him choose his own life.

Thank you so much for this. The latter half of this message is what I'm trying to make sense of right now - I think there are two types of affairs, those who are just greedy and want something on the side and love the attention, and those who's relationship is no longer in a good place, don't have sex/affection etc. Mine was the latter. So I want to truly put my all into it to see whether it can be saved.

And regarding the pitchfork comment - yes I expected as much and completely understand why. If this was my friend, sister, mum etc I'd be the same, or if I was on the other side of this. Humans fuck up and sometimes the reasons we do things aren't black and white. Especially if we have issues/trauma from the past that we didn't realised influenced our decisions and that is very much me. I didn't have the happiest and healthiest childhood, abusive then absent father, other family stuff etc which has all no likely lead to me making the decisions that I did.

I'll take the criticism I get, I can't say I dont deserve it. I'm choosing to go forwards in life and not head to dark places so I'll just do my best to rise above anything that hurts for now - as like everyone is saying it's very much my own doing.

Haven’t read every post op so sorry if this has already been asked - did you love your affair partner? And do you still love your partner? No one sounds happy here to me, and I wonder why you had your head turned in the first place? Morally of course it’s wrong and you should be truthful so your partner has some choice; but I do wonder from your original post if you do actually want to be with them. Five years is a long time… it’s the wrong thing to do but I also think there’s nothing to gain here by you berating yourself for the rest of your life. I think be honest with your partner, and yourself, work through this and then close the door on the negative feelings. Don’t hold them forever. Good luck to you xxxx

Thank you, I know some people are compassion first and others are rage first, we are all different people. This is the worst thing I've ever done and if anything, all the hate is just more of a reminder of how bad it was.

I hear you OP. I’m five years in too and starting to have clarity on what’s actually happening and will be ending things. Thank you for being so brave and articulating many of my jumbled thoughts.

That may be - but how would he find out years from now when this is very much over and there's no contact or reminders anywhere. I've thrown out every gift he ever got me, deleted every message, he is erased from my life for good.

As a piece of advice it's a good one. I left my first wife for my affair partner and we have been married 20 years plus now. On the surface that looks like 'we were meant to be together, Hollywood movie stuff'. But the reality is nothing like that. I had an affair because I failed to take responsibility for sorting out my shit. My childhood was pretty poor, my ability to attach to others never healthily developed but instead of looking at what I could do differently I used the 'poor me' justification for all my narcissistic behaviours. I had emotional affairs/limmerant friendships before the physical exit one (I am superficially charming and can be very manipulative in seeking validation) and in this marriage I have kissed someone else when drunk. Which is an affair. My wife knew when I told her next day.

My marriage has been difficult and abusive on both sides. I have posted about it before and what I said was true although still filtered through my lens. You might say both my wife and I got what we deserve. We both have said we got married because of the affair and to 'prove' we were meant to be rather than love. I'd go further and say it was to 'prove' I hadn't wrecked two families for illicit thrills, ego boosts and gross insensitivity to others' needs.

In the last year, it has been brought home to me how so many other people got what they didn't deserve. A tip of the hat to Mumsnet - I was able to finally recognise my narcissism and 'nice guy' bullshit by reading here. As the scales fell from my eyes I can see, amongst all the other appalling things I've done, the damage my affair did and the ongoing fallout.

My ex wife has severe health problems. Did my affair and leaving cause them- probably not, they would have happened anyway in her case, but it wrecked her support networks that she needs now. Did her parents dying young happen because I had an affair? Not directly perhaps but then again their stress levels were added to by my actions as they supported their daughter and that may have damaged their health. So they aren't there now to support her. As for the children on both sides...

My long winded (narcissist) point is that affairs have consequences and even if you believe in the myth of 'the one', cheating hurts others. Badly. Do. Not. Do. It.

Not all relationships should continue but there are ways to end them that don't involve tearing other people apart. Caveat regarding abuse. If that is happening then if the abuser is badly hurt by you leaving, that's entirely on them. Still don't leave by affair. Just leave as safely as you can.

If I could change my life I'd not only not have an affair, I'd go back to the first therapist I saw and ask them to help me change my behaviour and find ways to relate to others that weren't exploitative, rather than listen to me go on about my fucking Dad.

If you are tempted to have an affair then you likely have some shit to sort out too. It wasn't your fault you got it but it is your responsibility to learn how to deal with it in a way that minimises the harm it might do to you and others.

It's exactly as you say, teenager love. It's all consuming and pathetic. I can accept your views on telling my partner but I need to do this in my own time. I am working with a therapist through everything and their guidance was to focus on my own wellbeing and mental state before getting into any of that, and that's what I'm doing.

I didn't play the card. I never told anyone to get sympathy for it, people just think I'm feeling a bit down. The only person who knows the full story is my therapist.

I'm not sticking up for anyone who does this but if they do they're in a really fucked up place and need a professional to help them. If they do it to manipulate someone else's actions then they're just an abusive twat.

Oh well if he’s never going to find out then wonderful, that’s just tickety boo for you, you get to take your time to “see whether it can be saved” but your DH doesn’t get a informed choice in the matter.

The affair might be over but your selfish, self centred, deceitful behaviour continues. You haven’t changed one bit.

Good luck (to your DH).

how would he find out years from now when this is very much over and there's no contact or reminders anywhere
Things slip through the net. Even deleted messages are not necessarily permanently deleted. You can't be sure that your affair partner, or his wife, won't at some point contact your partner, either.
When I found out about my exh's last affair, I searched a bit more and could piece a couple of other dalliances together based on photos in forgotten folders, deleted emails and my own memories of his behaviour that I had found odd at the time, but that only made sense now I knew what might have been going on.

I often recommend this book and I think you might find it useful, OP: Daphne Rose Kingma's Coming Apart: Why Relationships End and How to Live Through the Ending of Yours. It might help you to make sense of both relationships, and the exercises at the back are incredibly helpful in working out your own internal compass. The book saved my life.

Yes you fucked up, but please try not to hate yourself. We all have our weaknesses, and it is never too late to start living with integrity. Fuck me, it's the oldest human story in the universe. There would be no films in Hollywood or books on Amazon without the journey from imperfect to... well, we can never be perfect, but we can certainly become more self-aware.

I don't disagree with you.

Essentially he had been on dating sites in the past. He had never met anyone or so he told me, so that's why I felt some kind of justification about it. I know that doesn't make it okay, two wrongs don't make a right, and we either have an honest open relationship or we end it.

The past few months we are getting on the best we ever have, I know that makes me a bastard for keeping him in the dark, but he lied to me and gaslit me about the dating site stuff as well so we have both been bastards in this. I want us to have a more open dialogue with each other, to communicate properly and discuss issues when they crop up to hopefully avoid this happening again.

We haven't been having sex, so I haven't been sleeping with more than one person at once. He doesn't have much of a sex drive. I have got better at talking to him about this lately. Also AP and I's relationship was more emotional than sexual for the majority of the time, so we didn't sleep together particularly often, I know that makes no difference but I'm just explaining the full context.

your DH doesn’t get a informed choice in the matter

That's the term I was searching for, thank you. That's the crux of it. Five years of not having the facts to make your own choices about your life. He should decide whether you stay together, not you.