I think it’s over, please can I have a handhold?

[LadyB156]

DP and I have been together for 9 years. Some time back, from reading MN boards and speaking to a friend I realised that he’s probably been emotionally/ verbally abusive and I’ve responded reactively with it culminating with a toxic cycle. One thing that has really brought all of this home to me is that he doesn’t behave like this in front of other people, which makes me realise that on some level he must know it’s wrong. Aside from that, we have generally rubbed along well and love each other. We have no children.

For a while now, I have felt taken for granted on top of the above, that I don’t matter. He is a higher earner and works long hours (usually from home). We both work for large organisations. A vacancy for me came up recently that would involve relocating (and included a relocation package) which I was interested in. I tried to talk to him about it but he wouldn’t engage in conversation on it other than to say he wasn’t interested in relocating but if I wanted to go for it I could and I felt hurt. With my general unhappiness, I applied for it, interviewed and got the job. I didn’t tell him until after the offer because I didn’t think he really cared and my plan was to leave him and I felt that this gave me an opportunity to.

Since I told him, he has been devastated and wants to fight for me. He’s saying all the right things and recognises all he has done wrong, didn’t know I was unhappy etc. - but, crucially, says that he doesn’t want me to relocate as it couldn’t possibly work. I didn’t expect this and feel quite cut up. But I have to follow through, don’t I? An abuser doesn’t change his spots and if we have a toxic behaviour pattern is any change really going to stick?

Sorry, I’m not sure what my question is to you all. No matter how hard it is, I have to leave him and start again, don’t I?

@Pixiedust1234 I went back and read my initial post after reading yours and it made me realise just how much I have changed. My overwhelming feeling has been one of relief and like this was the right thing to do.

It is probably too soon, I need to spend some time on myself and I need to do the freedom programme that @billy1966 has linked above but I am open to dating other people already. Not for anything serious, but just to explore and re-learn who I am. I was out the other evening with some friends and someone was hitting on me and I properly realised that there’s nothing wrong with me, and all the things he said about me were just horrible things to put me down. I confided in a friend who has taken on a more motherly role towards me here (which in itself is just lovely to have) and she told me it sounded like coercive control and that I should go out and have all the fun I want because I’m an amazing person. It’s so nice to have supportive people who have my back.

He is definitely using the dog as a form of control. Part of me hopes that it all turns to shit for him so he has to send the dog to live with me. I am waiting for the dust to settle on it all because for now we need to sell the house.

Great to read.

The go sow your oates and all is good advice.

Have some un-invested fun, you so deserve it.

An older woman to have your ear/ back is a great thing.

Even just a decade is a game changer in a woman's perspective and experience of men and relationships, through their own lived experience and those of friends.

He undoubtedly was coercively controlling you.

I don't refer to him as absolute scum for no reason.

He's a really ugly man and a nasty piece of work.

You are so well out of it.

I wouldn't be protecting his good name when that house is sold.

The less invested you are in the dog and putting distance between you and him and being super busy and happy with your freedom in your new home, the more likely he will not want to keep that dog.

Don't entertain shared ownership in any form.

All or nothing and hopefully you will find family or friends that would take him.

Keep loving and living your new found life.

Thank you @billy1966 I also think I need to spend a bit more time by myself. I seem to be filling my evenings and weekends with activities or hanging out with people which is great but I spend very little time totally alone and I need to get comfortable with that.

In other news, I slept with someone and was very happy to keep it casual and he’s turned it into this whole thing about how I’ve just left a really long relationship and doesn’t want to be a rebound or get hurt. He’s a friend of a friend, part of a social group and a bit younger than me and I think someone has said something to him about my situation and it has scared him off. It was good to get it over with and sleep with someone else but I don’t need any of the hassle attached with that person. Another friend over here has created some dating app profiles for me. I’ve chatted extensively to my best friend at home about it and she said to me to just be open to anything and continue to focus on myself and experiences and I’ll never know what will happen. It’s funny because I really don’t miss my ex, I just feel ready to move on with my life and I never thought I would really feel this way, I don’t feel sad.

Remember, you don't owe any man ANYTHING.

Not your time, affection, nor consideration.

Take your time to breathe the freedom.

You have come out of a long abusive relationship that was exhausting.

Getting involved with someone else without figuring yourself out, would be a mistake IMO.

Being able to be alone and happy on your terms, makes you a stronger, more rounded individual.

You need to be thinking of you and you alone.

Having a fling is persfect, but completely on YOUR terms.

Be very careful of being sucked into putting ANYONE ahead of you EVER again.

Love yourself first.

Assert yourself with anyone overstepping boundaries with you regarding dating profiles.

You don't need new "friends" that don't know you 5 minutes, making a project out of you🙄.

There is a bossy female type who go in for that, so beware.

Work on your assertiveness, it will help you so much.

The www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Look up the Shark cage analogy.

You are doing great.

Thanks @billy1966 I was quite up front with him and said that I don’t want a relationship but happy to keep things casual as we see each other socially but he seemed to change his mind. I know that I am not really ready to jump into a relationship but having someone to sleep with was all there was in it. It’s not worth my time thinking about it any more.

I don’t actually mind the dating app thing, I said I haven’t used them and I was discussing the whole thing with this guy with her. I don’t think she was taking it as seeing me as a project, just trying to help boost my ego. I will be mindful of what you have said though. I quite like having a flick through them every now and again.

I feel really sad today, I think in some ways it has finally hit me and maybe this is the crash I was waiting for. Until now I’ve felt like I’ve been on cloud 9 and it’s all just logistics. We’ve been messaging over logistics re the sale of the house and various trips back to the UK that I’ve got planned. I don’t have to stay at the house but I will for some stuff as I’m seeing local friends and, well, it’s my house too. I know I won’t go back to him, but it’s just hit me that I don’t have a person anymore (although that’s debatable as he wasn’t exactly a great one to have but I am sure the point is clear).

Just push through and power through

you can’t make an omelette without breaking any eggs
But this is normal , the ‘don’t have someone ‘ feeling
we all have it

bit better alone or with a better someone

I suspect you are feeling low because you had inconsequential sex, & the person involved, rather than just having the same is analysing & projecting his theory. etc;
You don't want his theory, you don't want some "bloke", telling you how you feel. You hardly know the idiot. This is more about him wanting to feel wanted & not accepting he is a casual material !!
I think its a tad too soon, you have a bit of confidence building & healing to do, before you are ready & able to say to him. "Just get over yourself".

@Mix56 I think you’re right, oh well, onwards and upwards. It is probably too soon to have done anything but at least I’ve done it and ripped the plaster off. I am going to focus on me and making my house my home and doing the things I want and that make me happy.

A small update on how things are going, although I appreciate that it hasn’t been long.

I am over the thing with that guy and mostly just think I can hold my head high around him, I think @Mix56 is right, some friends have overanalysed but I don’t think it matters. He clearly couldn’t cope with things being causal and it’s therefore not for me.

My ex (it feels weird) and I have been messaging about the logistics of the house sale, he’s been looking for places to buy. It feels sad to let go of my home even though I don’t live there anymore.

One thing I haven’t done a lot of since i left is spend time on my own. I’ve managed to fill my time and I think I need to force myself to be alone, and sit with my feelings. That’s my plan for tonight - to eat alone and just potted about in my house and I’m going to try and plan some time for this over the coming weeks.

Thats a good update @LadyB156 and forcing myself to be alone and sit with how I feel and cry if I want to or sing and dance if I want to - its done me the world of good, despite being difficult and downright lonely or painful at times.

Hope the house sale goes smoothly, and you get more closure and peace from that process ending.

Sitting with your feelings is important to process and accept.

You have done so well, but these things do take time.

Don't force yourself or berate yourself for feeling sad, it is all part of grieving an old relationship.

Of course you loved your old home and feel sad, why wouldn't you?

You invested time and energy in it.

This is all 100% normal.

Being by yourself and enjoying it is so important.

Enjoy this evening and try and embrace the peace.

Being alone is a skill, so one that we can practice.

Keep posting whenever, we are here for you👍

Thanks @billy1966 and @Nugg - I actually ended up failing at spending time on my own and have done all week. On Monday night a friend wanted to have dinner, so I did, on Tuesday I had plans already and Wednesday / Thursday involved work dinners and I’ve got a social engagement on Friday. I’m planning to try and earmark Saturday night to myself. I have made a really good friend out here who is only here for a couple of months for work and we spend a lot of time together. I will be sad when they leave.

Ex and I had a conversation this week and it was really nice and also a bit weird, I know it’s over and won’t ever go back, it was just odd and a bit sad to have such a normal conversation.

I don’t know what the future holds but I don’t feel scared by it, I’m excited. I know I need to spend some time on my own and find myself again and my experience with other guy although not positive in the end has filled me with confidence in some ways, in that I will find someone else and I will live the life I want on my own terms. I spent years being told I was unattractive / fat / no one else would want me and that’s not true at all.

If you are happy and busy, it's okay to run with it.

Enjoy yourself and enjoy pleasing only yourself.

You will find the time when it is right for you.

I think "feeling"alone is different to "being" alone.
You can feel alone in a crowded room, or indeed an unhappy relationship!
So planning an evening off, is really "taking a break,"
You can be busy, tidying your house, painting your nails, taking time to call Granny... and be totally content.
Loneliness is something that covers you in a sorrowful cloud of introspection.
Sitting looking out if the window, & only seeing yourself alone looking out if the window, not the view
I think its fantastic that you are busy & have found new people & things that you enjoy. You have come up for air after being kept underwater,
Enjoy the oxygen

Great post @Mix56

People who've been in a long term relationship can't hack being by themselves when it falls apart - it's like they can't function without their "person" in the background - usually seem to want to get into another "dynamic" asap just to feel validated. Odd that.

Thank you @billy1966 and @Mix56 - that’s actually a really helpful way to think about things. I don’t think I’ve been avoiding being “alone” it’s just that my life has become very full and part of that is that I want to say yes to different things because I’m only here for a set period of time and I do need to find my groove a bit. I had plenty of loneliness in my previous relationship and very much am aware of that feeling. I haven’t had that since I left. I have tried to make a bit more time to just be alone, not least because I’m still living out of boxes and suitcases and keep in touch with friends and family at home and it’s been a bit better from a balancing perspective. I feel so settled and on a high because for the first time in a really long time, I feel like I’m enjoying my life and I’ve felt this way consistently (with the odd dip/ feeling of sadness over things ending). I had a few hours to myself on Saturday and ended up going out with friends for dinner and drinks, it ended up being a much later evening than planned but not once did I worry about the time, I just had fun.

@xfan I’m not really sure what your point is, I am perfectly functional thank you. I am not looking to replace a dynamic or to feel validated.

You are absolutely doing the right thing.

Enjoy this freedom.

Enjoy being truly your own master in your own home, answering to no one.

What a glorious feeling.

It's the most wonderful feeling.

Savour and embrace it.

It is as important as having down time.

I so loved leaving a mess and knowing that it was my decision to leave it and come back to it, ignore it, as much as I wanted to.

Impacting on no one.
Answerable to no one.

Glorious.

@billy1966 it really is glorious. I feel so so happy. I stop short of telling myself I should have left sooner because that’s not really helpful. I’m learning to live in the moment and to say yes to things. I have managed to build a support network of women a similar age to me and we spend a lot of time together, it’s not bitchy, it’s just friendly and it’s so nice.

You left when the time was right for you.

You set up a superb exit via work and you are having a great time.

You set up therapy to learn from it.

Enjoy the result of your efforts.

What a wonderful thread!
Enjoy your freedom and future.
(A thought about your parents- they’re not ‘reliable narrators’. As parents we want our children to be happy but we can never be completely neutral, so we can’t see a situation dispassionately; it’s noisy with ‘is it our fault’, ‘will she need more from us if the relationship ends’, ‘long relationships are good’, but it sounds as if them came through in the end.

This is so heartening to read.
Its your life to fulfill, why would you sacrifice yourself ? It wasn't making him happy either.
Ultimately you did the right thing for both of you
You have slotted into your new life perfectly
I hope you have made it clear to your parents that you are thriving & havent been this content in a very long time.
This is a great success story

Yes, there probably was a part of.. "how will this end? She was all set up, safely, all the boxes were ticked..."
It's unsettling for them, however they should have trusted your judgement.

I agree @Mix56

Of course parents are not neutral commentators about their children and can sometimes be bit selfish in wanting to know a child is settled.

But when you hear about such clear abuse and the efforts she has gone to get away, moving country!.....it is very poor to behave as they did.

The refusing to bring her to the airport and to work with her abuser is shameful.

I can call in nothing else but that.

I have two daughters and if I was ever to be told that they were being treated badly by anyone, there isn't anything we wouldn't do to get them out of that situation, and I suspect many parents are the same.

I know my husband would be 100% the same.