I think it’s over, please can I have a handhold?

[LadyB156]

DP and I have been together for 9 years. Some time back, from reading MN boards and speaking to a friend I realised that he’s probably been emotionally/ verbally abusive and I’ve responded reactively with it culminating with a toxic cycle. One thing that has really brought all of this home to me is that he doesn’t behave like this in front of other people, which makes me realise that on some level he must know it’s wrong. Aside from that, we have generally rubbed along well and love each other. We have no children.

For a while now, I have felt taken for granted on top of the above, that I don’t matter. He is a higher earner and works long hours (usually from home). We both work for large organisations. A vacancy for me came up recently that would involve relocating (and included a relocation package) which I was interested in. I tried to talk to him about it but he wouldn’t engage in conversation on it other than to say he wasn’t interested in relocating but if I wanted to go for it I could and I felt hurt. With my general unhappiness, I applied for it, interviewed and got the job. I didn’t tell him until after the offer because I didn’t think he really cared and my plan was to leave him and I felt that this gave me an opportunity to.

Since I told him, he has been devastated and wants to fight for me. He’s saying all the right things and recognises all he has done wrong, didn’t know I was unhappy etc. - but, crucially, says that he doesn’t want me to relocate as it couldn’t possibly work. I didn’t expect this and feel quite cut up. But I have to follow through, don’t I? An abuser doesn’t change his spots and if we have a toxic behaviour pattern is any change really going to stick?

Sorry, I’m not sure what my question is to you all. No matter how hard it is, I have to leave him and start again, don’t I?

Thank you @billy1966 @Mix56 and @Lamelie, I have had such a great weekend filing my cup with things I enjoy. Spending time with people in different social settings and I’m now really looking forward to a quiet Sunday evening in my own house getting myself ready for the week ahead. Things have been a bit up and down with that other guy (we slept together after a night out) and I’ve seen him socially a few times since and found that I started to over think things a bit and I’ve had to remind myself that my life doesn’t revolve around a boy, this is my time and I need to just focus on me and do the things I need and want to do.

In relation to my parents, in particular my mum, have said that they’re really proud of me for doing what I’m doing. I’m going back for a visit soon and they seem really excited about that and collecting me from the airport.

I am finding things a bit difficult at the moment. I’ve been spiralling a bit, with the ex and the fact he now can’t afford what he was going to buy and also with the guy I met out here. He has very much made me feel like I’m an option, which I suppose is kind of what I offered him, and I’ve realised that I need to have some space from him. I do feel a bit better that the two people who know about it think he’s a massive dick for how he has behaved. I’ve explored this all with my therapist but I guess time is a healer.

the fact he now can’t afford what he was going to buy
That is not your problem. You wouldn't be selling the house or living in a different country if he had been a half decent human being in the beginning. This is entirely on him.

Time is certainly a healer but you seem to have hangups with two different men. Why? What has made them so elevated in your view? Did your parents (or grandparents) subconsciously feed you that you are not valid unless you are looked at by a man? Does your mother keep glancing at your father when she speaks and making sure he doesn't disagree by the frown or raised eyebrow (the pokerface cues)? It's those subtle clues you need to look for/think about.

holds out hands to stop OP from spiralling You can do this

LadyB156

im not suprised your spiralling

the ‘get under one to get over one ‘ is a guaranteed stress (I find !)

not sure why your ex is telling you this
how often are you texting 💬?

less comms with both and you will spiral less x

@Pixiedust1234 my parents and grandparents don’t do that, I know other people that do but mine haven’t. You’re right on the house front, I suppose it is that I thought things were going full steam ahead and now with the latest interest rate rises we may struggle to sell. I think there’s also an element of various things have gone wrong this week, or not quite right and I need to fix them and I’ve not got a person anymore who I can just say please can you deal with X and it would work. This also sounds a bit pathetic but when we moved house he did lots of unpacking and sorting and now I am having to do it for myself. There is obviously nothing wrong with any of that, it’s just different.

@Thisisworsethananticpated yes, I am realising that probably wasn’t the best approach! It wasn’t intended and the way I feel this evening, I know I just need to be alone for a bit. With my ex, we only speak about logistics on house stuff as and when we need to and tend to keep it over text or email.

I know that I’ve wanted this for so long, and I love my life here now, and I feel free but sometimes I miss the security of being in a relationship.

Of course you do.

You are doing so well, but of course there will be bumps on this new road.

Having to do lots of new stuff for yourself, while scary, is what will make you stronger and more confident in yourself.

His housing issue is his problem.

Hopefully it will work out ok, but you owe him nothing.

Suit yourself completely with anyone new, but a bit of head rest rather than head wreck for a bit might do you good.

Any fellow giving you any grief or pressure should be quickly dispatched!

Enjoy the women and have your fun.

There will always be bumps but you are so well able to deal with stuff.

Remind yourself how far you have come!

Than you @billy1966 , you are of course right. Sometimes I look back and think I never thought I could have the confidence to do xyz and yet here I am doing it. I suppose there’s just a lot of newness and one day I will look back on this and be proud of myself.

@Pixiedust1234 my parents and grandparents don’t do that, I know other people that do but mine haven’t.

That's good. So many women don't realise until it's pointed out to them (including myself) so I felt I had to mention it.

That day is today. You should be so proud of yourself today.

You removed yourself from an abusive relationship.

I cannot think of anything braver or stronger.

All these other things are nothing by comparison.

You did the absolute hardest thing imaginable IMO, you got out.

So many don't and can't.

You are amazing.

He's not with you anymore putting you down.

So remind yourself how brave you are and look up "head/face/chest/inner wrist tapping for anxiety" videos on You tube, it is an excellent technique combined with deep breathing to ease tension and stress......good for your face too!😁

Thank you @billy1966, for what it’s worth, I am proud of myself today. I had a good sleep last night and think that’s made a big difference to how I feel at present too. I’m hoping for a relatively quiet weekend this week, with some down time on my own.

Everything feels better after a decent night sleep.😁

Have a lovely weekend.

Thanks @billy1966 your support on here, coupled with my friends irl and therapy has really helped.

I have just had a trip back to the UK to see family and friends, it felt like the right time to see everyone. Before going I felt settled enough to leave and while away really looked forward to getting back to my new life.

I have spoken to my parents separately about how they behaved at the end of last year / earlier this year and how it made me feel. I discussed this with my therapist in advance and one parent took it much better than the other and apologised, said that they hadn’t realised the extent of what was going on in my relationship when they should have and said that no matter what he will be there for me and if anything happens or I’m upset or want to talk, to phone him because I shouldn’t have to deal with anything on my own.

Broadly, I suppose I feel content for the first time in a really long time. While away I heard from friends abroad checking in with me and how things were going and it was really nice.

I'm so pleased to read this.

It's all a process and you are moving at your own pace in the right direction.

It's great that you felt positive about returning to your new home.

You are a lovely woman with a lot to offer friends so it is not the least surprising that you have been quickly embraced by new people.

That's great that you spoke frankly to your parents about how you felt.

One took it on the chin.
The other hopefully will reflect, perhaps discuss with the other, and accept that you have been justified to feel disappointed.

Whether they do or not is on them.
You have told them how you feel.

Well done.

I agree it's all extremely positive !
You looked forward to getting back to your new life, no wishing to stay in your old "home",
People new acquaintances dropping messages to you. Shows how you are in the right place for you..
I agree your Mother needs time to digest that she hurt you & basically let you down. it was good you got that off your chest.
In reality she was more than likely worried about herself when you said you were leaving.
She needs to realize you are grown & have your own life to fulfil

Thanks @billy1966 - it was really weird to go back to my old house and to see my ex. I felt a but apprehensive but it was actually okay.

@Mix56 yes I think you’re right. I do feel really let down. I have made my peace with it though.

Has he fully accepted things are over and co operating with the sale?

@billy1966 yes to co-operating but we’ve not put it on the market yet as he’s trying to buy me out instead. He’s accepted that this is over and isn’t being difficult so far.

Good. Remember you are entitled to every penny.

Don't be guilted by that twat.

You may regret it if you do.

Women are often ruthlessly guilted in these matters and are furious with themselves down the line.

You owe him zero.

Getting every penny you can is for your future.

He has financially abused you before.

Don't give an inch 💪😁

I won’t @billy1966 he is working out what he has and what he can borrow to buy me out. If he can’t then he knows that I want to sell the house. I know I need a clean break but I’m also happy to wait a couple of months to put the house on the market as I will need to fly back to sort stuff out and with the market uncertainty don’t want to screw myself over financially. We’re tied into a mortgage fix at the moment so if the bank will take me off, let him take it over and he has the cash to pay me off then that works too as there will be no early repayment charge. We will just have to see. I’m not any worse off as things stand as my accommodation costs abroad are covered by work.

Well done.

Delighted to read this.

He knows you have free accommodation, don't let him milk this situation for too long.
How long does he stay in the house with you paying half ....?

@Mix56 i hadn’t thought of that, and it has annoyed me. In the time I was back I filled the car up with petrol, bought dog food and some stuff for him (milk etc) and he’s not offered any money back for it. I wrote to the council to ask about a single person discount and I haven’t heard back so if I get the chance, I think I will call them later today. He plans to stay in the house until the new year at which point it either gets put on the market or he buys me out.

He was really awkward about some stuff when I was there e.g. I got the impression he was going on a date and outright asked and it sort of snowballed into another conversation where he was trying to hurt me and I didn’t rise to it. At one point I just thought to myself, how did I put up with this for so long? It really just cemented to me that I have done the right thing.

I’m also not feeling that great today. I suppose it’s normal that things will be up and down and so I’m going to try and take some time for me. I’ve got some fun things with friends planned this weekend but I might try and have an early night.

I feel like things are broadly settled with my ex in that I don’t want to be with him, I accept it is over and I don’t have any feelings for him. It’s just the logistical stuff now. I also know very much that I need time on my own, I need to find me again and I am comfortable with that. I am however slightly hung up on the guy I slept with, however just because (and to paraphrase the post that used to be pinned to the top of this board) he’s a level 5 arsehole instead of a level 10 one doesn’t make it okay and I know I deserve better than how he has treated me. We’ve not seen each other for a few weeks but will do next week in a social setting and I can start to feel myself getting a bit worked up by it and every time I do, I need to check myself. I’ve told myself what I need to do, I just need to follow through with it. I have no desire to be in a relationship and I have no desire to be in a relationship with him either.

@LadyB156 does it suit you that he stays in the house til next year and THEN he either buys you out or it goes on the market? He is not in sole charge of what happens with the house remember….

@goody2shooz it doesn’t really make a difference to me. I don’t see the point in forcing a sale for the sale of 5 months where the property market is supposedly so volatile. It is a large family home really and it being the summer holidays I don’t think now is the best time to put it on the market. I don’t mind keeping hold of the house if it makes financial sense.