I think it’s over, please can I have a handhold?

[LadyB156]

DP and I have been together for 9 years. Some time back, from reading MN boards and speaking to a friend I realised that he’s probably been emotionally/ verbally abusive and I’ve responded reactively with it culminating with a toxic cycle. One thing that has really brought all of this home to me is that he doesn’t behave like this in front of other people, which makes me realise that on some level he must know it’s wrong. Aside from that, we have generally rubbed along well and love each other. We have no children.

For a while now, I have felt taken for granted on top of the above, that I don’t matter. He is a higher earner and works long hours (usually from home). We both work for large organisations. A vacancy for me came up recently that would involve relocating (and included a relocation package) which I was interested in. I tried to talk to him about it but he wouldn’t engage in conversation on it other than to say he wasn’t interested in relocating but if I wanted to go for it I could and I felt hurt. With my general unhappiness, I applied for it, interviewed and got the job. I didn’t tell him until after the offer because I didn’t think he really cared and my plan was to leave him and I felt that this gave me an opportunity to.

Since I told him, he has been devastated and wants to fight for me. He’s saying all the right things and recognises all he has done wrong, didn’t know I was unhappy etc. - but, crucially, says that he doesn’t want me to relocate as it couldn’t possibly work. I didn’t expect this and feel quite cut up. But I have to follow through, don’t I? An abuser doesn’t change his spots and if we have a toxic behaviour pattern is any change really going to stick?

Sorry, I’m not sure what my question is to you all. No matter how hard it is, I have to leave him and start again, don’t I?

I thought spring/summer was a good time to sell generally.

Kindly meant but he is ripping you off.

He needs to forward that money to you.

His housing need is not your issue, neither is you having free rent.

You are no longer together.

This is a bad man that abused you.

He has no morals and I would absolutely expect him to try and screw you financially.

Did you contact local EA's to find out about the local housing market and find out what several of them think?

Do not trust him for a minute.

@billy1966 spring is, but the main summer period isn’t because of school holidays. It’s usually better to wait until the schools go back. Yes, have contacted several EAs and got valuations and their terms.

well, if you at peace with this situation, You need to send him a message, saying you agree to continuing paying your half of mortgage, (NOT elec/water/gas/other) until the end of the year, from then on he either buys you out,or you buy him out, or its put on the market.
As you will cease paying for him to rattle about in a big house.

You have both moved on, of course there are times when you think about him as still being part of you, you were together a long time....but he only being genial now as he is benefitting massively from your money

@Mix56 I am not paying any other bills at present other than half the mortgage and council tax. I’d rather not pay half the council tax, so long as he can get a single person discount. I have redirected all my mail so there seemed little point in officially changing my address straight away, because it might be easier for selling the house and it’s just admin. However given he’s not bothered about me paying half the council tax, I’m now looking into him getting a single person discount and he can pay it all.

Hi OP, I've been following your thread but not commenting. I think you should stop paying the council tax as you don't live there.

Regarding the level 5 arsehole, please don't dwell on this. Look at it like you had a itch to scratch, or a fleeting need and he served a purpose. It won't be repeated, you don't even like him but at the time it got you over a 'first'. There have been and will be lots of 'firsts' after your breakup and that one is done. Tick it off your list and don't give it another thought.

He is nothing to you. Ignore him being arsey, just smile serenely as if you have some lovely little secret thought in your head and engage with others instead.

Thank you @WallaceinAnderland L5A frustratingly before I went away was not arsey, was quite nice but I do take your point. I need to be single minded in it really and not think about it and move on. I’ve had confirmation from a friend that he will be around at a thing next week and I will be cool, calm and polite - nothing more.

I’m generally feeling quite good and content with things. I saw the level 5 arsehole this week at a social event and it was fine, it made me pretty comfortable with my decision. He will be at another thing in going to over the weekend and I can be a grown up about things.

I am starting to get a bit pissed off with the ex and housing situation, but I am trying to take some time to think about how I approach it and what is best for me. I have spoken to the council and he’s not eligible for a single person discount because I’m a co-owner and can move back in. I’ve got a busy couple of weeks coming up but I’m going to try and think about what I do next.

That's great.

Think about how you would advise a friend re the house.

He will try and screw you financially for sure.

Remember past behaviour is the best predictor of future behaviour!

Re the new arsehole, remind yourself of the old arsehole and how you dealt with him and all you have achieved since last year.

You are truly awesome.

Well able to deal with any arseholes that may pop up temporarily going forward.

Thanks @billy1966 that is really helpful. It does definitely help that I’ve got a couple of women friends out here that are really supportive and genuine. There are some less so but I have a couple of close confidants which is nice. They’ve also said his behaviour is on him, they’ve given me space to talk about my ex without any judgement and with that in mind, one of them got really annoyed at this other guy over his behaviour and told me I didn’t deserve it which I guess, to use the MN phrase, gave my head a wobble. Funnily enough at the social event this week the new arsehole said some things that my ex would have said (they were around a lack of emotional intelligence) and I just thought to myself thank goodness I’ve called time on this.

How great that you are quickly recognising arsehole behaviour and not tolerating it.

Remember this, I am like a broken record talking to my daughters about this.

You don't owe any boy your time, your interest, a date with you, a relationship with you.
You 100% put yourself first.
You love yourself, and be proud of the fact that you do.
Any boy that ever uses a negative remark about your appearance or personality, as banter (hate the word), to put you down, put you in your place, belittle you, is a nasty twat and needs cutting off firmly and brutally.

I am drilling this into them and they are great girls that get it.

They tell me EVERYTHING😱, which can be a bit horrifying as to some of the tales about their friends, but we discuss things very openly and frankly.

Better they hear their mother call a boy a nasty little prick, and they have zero ambiguity on the point, than be vague and wishy washy on the behaviour.

Fake it till you make it.

You are worthy, have great value, and deserve to be treated with kindness, respect, and courtesy.

Any hint of anything else is a waste of your valuable time.

Finally, acknowledge red flags in men when your gut warns you, don't collect them.

Don't wait for a bunch of red flags to stack up.

Dump as soon as you spot one.

Red flags are never in isolation.

Ok lecture over....have a good day😁

Thank you @billy1966 I had a good cry on Friday night and felt a lot better after. I’m going to try and distance myself from the guy I see socially, I think I liked him more than I realised and seeing each other so much didn’t help. Things have been fine between us, even really quite friendly but the amount with which we see each other in social settings is probably a bit much for me. I don’t doubt that it’s also just the culmination of the last few months.

I have also decided to get a dog. I have thought through this decision for days, weighed up the pros and cons. I really miss having one about the place and I think I need to build a life for me and one that I want. I’ve spent a lot of the last few months out socialising which has been great and I will still do that (to a slightly lesser extent) but it’s not sustainable for me to constantly be out for dinners and drinks like I have been. I’ve enjoyed the time I’ve done it, and I also want to spend more time in the place I’ve made my home. Plus as I know from dog ownership before, if I want to go out I can, I just either have to be back within a certain number of hours or arrange for care.

Its so very limiting, I say this as someone who has 2 large dogs.
If you are late to or from work.....
Can you leave the dog out? Secured garden ?
Trips back to UK.. work?
Vet, trips, bills.
Holidays, kennels/carer
Spontaneous outing/invitation ? Forget it

I have had dogs always, over the last40!years.
This is too soon. IMHO

Better ti get a cat

I do not have a dog due to the reasons @Mix56 mentions.

I also think it will tie you too soon.

Could you foster?
Could you dog walk in the area?

Could you volunteer locally?

Anything to satisfy this need at the moment which seems a bit knee jerk.

A cat first is good!

I’ve spent some time deliberating over it and thought through the pros and cons of it. I don’t work long hours, everything I do is within a short drive (10-15mins), can take the dog to work if I want to but probably won’t, dog fits into the social stuff I do and dogs in general are a big part of it. Vet bills and care in general out here are much cheaper than the UK as is care and I’ve also done my sums for when I eventually return to the UK. If I come back to the UK then I can pay for kennels/boarding and the same applies for holidays. I have also built quite a good social circle with people who also live close by and can pop in if I did have a spontaneous day out.

Best of luck with your decision.

Good that you feel you have thought it through thoroughly.

I have and I’ve discussed it at length with friends at home but also with a friend out here who manages with several and has a more active social life than I do. Without going into a huge amount of detail, I live within a fair sized community of ex-pats which range from families to single people and a lot of people have dogs out here and it is normal for someone to pop in to check on a friends dog. It’s a small place and people are generally willing to help each other out and a lot of my friends have dogs too. If I didn’t live in this way I wouldn’t do it and certainly not now.

I would try again re council tax. My DD and her DP have split up. He has moved out, they are co owners but she is receiving the single person discount on her Council Tax

I’ve just got back from being in the UK for a long weekend. In that time I saw my ex briefly as I went to collect some stuff from the house and found out he’s seeing someone. It feels strange. I also told him that I have no liability for council tax and he was a dick about that.

He is a dick, so no surprise there.

Be very careful.

He will happily enjoy you paying the morgage on a house you don't live in, with his new partner.

This will go on for as long as you tolerate it.

It would be very wise to confirm by email, the date you left the house and ceased to be responsible for council and utilities.

Create a paper trail or you will regret it.

Utilities have been transferred over, there are a couple of things just in my name but I have been reimbursed for them and they are set to expire shortly so won’t renew them.

He has agreed in writing to sell the house in the new year and I’m content with that as it also gives me time to sort out my stuff in the house at my convenience.

He hasn’t confirmed that he’s seeing anyone, just what I worked out from things he mentioned he is doing. I knew he would move on quickly, I was just surprised at how quickly. Part of me wanted to be the one to move on first, but in a way I have because I was the one who walked away and I’m really proud of myself for doing that.

Let there be NO confusion, you walking away was YOU choosing to move on.

You are rightly proud of your incredible bravery.

You owe him zero.

You are very clever but please don't treat him as a friend, he really isn't.

He's a foe.

It will serve you well to not forget that.

You are amazing.

Remember, every single day in most peoples life isn't ever perfect.

Mind yourself and focus on being the best friend to yourself that you can be, always.

Wishing you continued strength.

I greatly admire and applaud you for what you’ve done, OP.
However, I just don’t understand why you’re contributing to the mortgage when you’re not living in the property and he hasn’t bought you out. Perhaps you feel you’re investing in it for its sale value but in some parts of the UK house prices are falling. This will sound snarky but he appears to be indirectly benefiting from your accommodation being provided. Some posters have advised you not to trust him and neither would I. Apologies for being so blunt.
A clean break for me would be both emotional and financial.
I wish you all the best.

Thanks @billy1966 i do agree - he isn’t my friend at all. We only interact for logistical stuff.

@ADornChorus i have a legal obligation to continue to pay my half of the mortgage, that’s it. It’s as simple as that.

Get your own valuations
Tell him that as agreed he puts it on the market. ( No garantie it will sell immediately), he could start sooner.
You will be reclaiming your share of the mortgage payments from 1st Jan from the equity from the sale.
He is in NO HURRY, he is living in a nice comfortable house you are paying half for.

Thanks, OP. Mix56 gives sound advice.