I think it’s over, please can I have a handhold?

[LadyB156]

DP and I have been together for 9 years. Some time back, from reading MN boards and speaking to a friend I realised that he’s probably been emotionally/ verbally abusive and I’ve responded reactively with it culminating with a toxic cycle. One thing that has really brought all of this home to me is that he doesn’t behave like this in front of other people, which makes me realise that on some level he must know it’s wrong. Aside from that, we have generally rubbed along well and love each other. We have no children.

For a while now, I have felt taken for granted on top of the above, that I don’t matter. He is a higher earner and works long hours (usually from home). We both work for large organisations. A vacancy for me came up recently that would involve relocating (and included a relocation package) which I was interested in. I tried to talk to him about it but he wouldn’t engage in conversation on it other than to say he wasn’t interested in relocating but if I wanted to go for it I could and I felt hurt. With my general unhappiness, I applied for it, interviewed and got the job. I didn’t tell him until after the offer because I didn’t think he really cared and my plan was to leave him and I felt that this gave me an opportunity to.

Since I told him, he has been devastated and wants to fight for me. He’s saying all the right things and recognises all he has done wrong, didn’t know I was unhappy etc. - but, crucially, says that he doesn’t want me to relocate as it couldn’t possibly work. I didn’t expect this and feel quite cut up. But I have to follow through, don’t I? An abuser doesn’t change his spots and if we have a toxic behaviour pattern is any change really going to stick?

Sorry, I’m not sure what my question is to you all. No matter how hard it is, I have to leave him and start again, don’t I?

I’ve sorted it out with the council and they’ve closed our account and are issuing me with a refund of council tax from the date I moved out, I am just waiting for the payment to clear.

I am loving having a dog again, it’s been a bit of a change to my lifestyle but in a good way as I’m more selective about what I go out to and what I don’t. I can take her along with me to some social things I do. I had a weekend away and a friend looked after the dog for me and has offered to have her any time in the future and I’ve also got paid care arranged for her and can take her into work with me sometimes which is nice. It’s also been a good way for me to stay home, and have moments of quiet reflection as before now I was out a lot - at least 6 nights a week and very rarely ate at home. Now I’m making food, drinking less alcohol and sleeping better. I feel better within myself and more settled / grounded.

Part of me misses being in a relationship / wants to have a person / intimacy but I also know that it’s not the right time for me and I’ve a lot of work to do on myself before I’m ready for it. It was my birthday recently and I have decided that this year is going to be my year - it’s about me doing the things I want and what makes me happy and not doing things to please others. It feels like something has shifted in me.

Congratulations @LadyB156 you have come a long way since your first post, both literally and figuratively. I can hear the calmness in your post. You did it

Delighted to read this.

Happy Birthday and many happy returns.

Here's to YOUR year and future.

Thanks @Pixiedust1234 and @billy1966 I do feel really content with things in the round. I am becoming more aware of my feelings and sitting with them rather than blocking or numbing them or distracting myself in some way.

It’s only been a couple of weeks but I thought I would post a bit of an update.

I had a few days this week of feeling a bit low, and then I got my period and I was fine. Things that bothered me were the fact my ex has already started seeing someone which made me feel irrelevant and like I didn’t matter that much and his revisionism of our relationship. I was also feeling frustrated about immature man. I feel fine about it all now, it’s funny how it comes and goes but I am trying to continue to “do the work”.

A really good friend of mine is due to leave here soon and go back to the UK and I am feeling really apprehensive about that. We do spend a lot of time together and so I feel a bit sad about that.

This sounds more about the loss of a really good friend getting bundled up into loss of immature boy and loss of (ex) partner/previous life. The past is getting dragged into your feelings because it is loss. No idea how to comfort you but I figure this is why you have been unsettled thinking about the other two.

if Ex is dating how do you feel letting him live in your joint house now? Is it time to bring forward the selling of it so you can finally cut all ties and no longer have to know what he is doing?

@Pixiedust1234 is correct, feelings getting mixed up.

I lived abroad as a young woman for 12 years and I remember clearly some incredible intensely deep friendships that I made in those first years.

Wonderful people that I deeply connected with, and I remember feeling bereft several times when circumstances moved them on.

I remember being taken aback by the intensity of the loss.

It really surprised me.

I now realise it was almost like a trauma bonding, where you are out of your comfort zone, in new surroundings and you meet really lovely people and connect deeply with them.

The connection is fast, deep and feels so real.
Sometimes these friendships survive, sometimes they don't, and just served a purpose at the time, which was to give you an anchor in the storm of new surroundings.

This is 100% normal.

You will be ok.

You made a lovely friend and you will make many others.

This is a period of transition.

You have a lot of emotions and investing in lovely friendships is a safe habour for them.

You will be fine.
It is complete normal to feel sick at the thought of your pal moving on and wondering how you will fill that void.

You will fill it, so don't worry.

You will find a new normal very quickly when she has gone.

Don't worry about that twat back home, he was always going to be desperately trying to replace you, poor woman whomever she is.

Lovely to hear from you, keep in touch.

We are always here.
You are doing so well.

Thanks @Pixiedust1234 and @billy1966 - that makes sense really.

My friend came out here not that long before I did and as newbies together we just naturally ended up spending a lot of time together - doing for dinner, going exploring etc. I know I will be fine when she goes, there’s still a good friendship group I’ve got and so plenty to do and then I do also have my dog now. I don’t mean that as the dog is a replacement but she is good company and has made me feel a lot more settled in my house. She’s a genuinely lovely person and I am dropping her off at the airport, which I think is probably good for me, although she has forewarned me that she will become very emotional. I think it’s a friendship that will endure (at least to begin with) as she is already planning to come back.

I think I found living on my own hard, much more than I had thought I would. I have always enjoyed my own space but once I came out here there was definitely an element of trying to fill my time all the time to make the the most of things but also to avoid thinking / feeling things. I suppose Covid and constantly having a person around in the house in the UK didn’t help either.

35 years on I can remember a couple of these people very fondly.

The clicking and spending lots of time socialising etc.

Great your dog is working out and will give you discipline to get out of the house.

Continue to push yourself to do new things and meet new people, join clubs etc.

Living alone takes real time to adjust to and having routines/activities/people that anchor your week is very helpful and healthy.

You are still very much in early days transition.

I think it takes about 12 months to fully settle into it.

@billy1966 thanks, I find it helpful to think that friends are here for a reason, a season or for life. There have been other friends I’ve clicked with and then drifted from and I don’t know what it will be with this person, but time will tell.

I am starting to feel really exhausted, just drained like I need a break from it all if I am honest with myself, I don’t have that much of a routine yet. I’ve done some travelling back to the UK over the summer for various things, have been so busy socially over here and am getting to grips with a new job. I expect part of this is also the emotional toll of everything else too. I have felt settled here for a while, in that I feel this is where I am meant to be but it’s only recently that my house has started to feel like my home and like I want to spend more time in it and do things (like buying decorative stuff etc to make it more homely). I do think that once my friend leaves, I will probably end up in a more settled place because we’ve been doing so much to make the most of the time she has here. I think I might try and have a few early nights and maybe take a few days off so I can have a long weekend and not do anything other than potter about at home.

Sounds good.

Don't underestimate how full on these last months have been.

Of course you are tired.

You have been through the wringer.

Ending an abusive relationship, move job, pack up your stuff, move country.

Huge upheaval.

Give yourself a break, literally!

Also, I think it's normal to feel some kind of ownership of your X, he was a massive part of your life & even though you chose I think it does hurt to see him move on so fast.. & realize you weren't unique & essential to his life.
(So shallow, along with manipulative & selfish !)
Remember You had to leave, for your own happiness.

Your friend leaving is sad, but you can call & as you say she will visit.
More people will come into your life.
Be yourself. Enjoy your freedom .

@billy1966 you're right, I might see if I can take some time off soon. This week is a busy work week but so far I’ve got nothing significant planned for the weekend and I’m hoping to keep it that way.

@Mix56 i think you’ve hit the nail on the head about how I felt / feel. I don’t want to be with him, I am so incredibly glad I left him but part of me would have preferred he pined over me a bit more!

sorry wrong post

I feel really sad, having dropped my friend off at the airport. I think you’re right about the loss thing @Mix56 - I hadn’t really allowed myself to think about the fact she’s going. She’s been here for as long as me and we have either seen each other or spoken to each other every day. I’m trying to give myself grace, I have lunch planned with some friends and am going to have a quiet evening in with the pooch.

She will miss you too! So shed a tear, it IS sad
Its OK, Whatsapp video aperitif calls are the answer...
Potential new friends are everywhere

Of course it's sad.

She was a great buddy that fell into your lap at a time of vulnerable transition.

I remember a similar intense grief too.

Back then it wasn't as easy to keep in touch either.

As @Mix56 writes, nothing like face timing with a pal with a drink in your hand!

The grief and loss will likely be disproportionately stronger because you are still vulnerable after the twat.

It is important to acknowledge the grief.

Journaling can be a great way of putting structure and thought into framing our emotions too.

Invest time in your network.
The more you put yourself out there and keep yourself open to opportunities the better.

You are doing amazingly well for less than six months in a new place, amazingly.

Thank you @billy1966 and @Mix56 - I don’t really feel like crying, but those feelings tend to come on when I’m driving for some strange reason. I’ve had quite a nice day really, we spent the morning together as if it were a weekend before I dropped her off at the airport (where we both got upset), had lunch with some friends, worked half a day and then went to the beach for a bit with another friend for an hour after work and cuddles with the dog. I continue to (understandably) feel exhausted so I’m hoping an early night will be the tonic I need.

Yes you need to follow through and take the job. Thing is , men would expect the woman to relocate in same circumstances if he had job offer but other way round is rare. You need to look after your future... he will placate you, atm. Once you stay and reject offer, he will slip back. Go get your future job and he will follow if he really loves you.

Sorry OP wrong post i replied to x

I’m feeling quite sad today, had a bad night’s sleep and I am just feeling a bit bleurgh and have a long day of work meetings. It’s funny, I think about how far I’ve come since my first post and when I think about my previous relationship I don’t feel any sadness. I miss my friend, I’ve seen the other guy socially a few times and bumped into him getting coffee this morning and in my emotional state really just wanted a hug and felt sadder. The thing is I don’t even need or want it from him, he was just there. I was obviously nothing more than just polite. In a weird way I’m really pleased with myself for being able to identify the feeling and accept that it will pass, rather than acting on impulse or anything like that.

It is not like I haven’t done things socially with my other friends since my closest one left either, I think today might just be one of those days. A friend of mine has suggested going on dates just to get into the habit of socialising with other people and to help me move on. I have no intentions of getting into a relationship, and I am still “doing the work” but it is something I am toying with.

Just one of those days, particularly as you haven't slept well.

You are grieving the friendship.

Completely normal.

You met her when you were feeling so vulnerable and raw after huge upheaval and you deeply clicked.

It's been a very intense few months, of course you are feeling sad and empty.

Whilst it wasn't a romantic relationship, it was emotionally very deep for you as she is so lovely and you really got each other.

You are grieving and almost having withdrawal symptoms, but for a lovely friend. it is that simple.

Accept it and lean into these emotions and have a cry if you can.

As for going on a few dates? Why not.

Just try and get some good rest.
You sound tired.

Are you taking any supplements?

A tonic to pep you up and a BComplex to support your nervous system might be a good idea.

Perhaps get your bloods done and check your iron too.

Go easy on yourself.
You are doing great.

This is when I'd call best friend & have a good cathartic chat. it's not because she's not in a chair in the same room that she isn't all ears.
Send her a msg, "Billy No Mates here, lets have a WhatsApp this pm ?"

@billy1966 i have recently had my bloods done and nothing has come up on them. I could probably do a with taking some supplements though and taking some time off work. I took Friday off but ended up running errands and although I had a lovely weekend it wasn’t exactly the most restful. I’ve got plans to go out on Friday night but I plan to do nothing for the rest of the weekend.

@Mix56 good idea, we’ve been texting but we can still have a FaceTime call or something at the weekend or one evening. It’s just different - we lived so close to one another and would see each other every day, either having dinner or lunch together or both!

I’ve got a long work day today and I’m not sure I can be bothered to cook for myself, I’m shattered but maybe I will take myself out for dinner tonight.

Oh absolutely as @Mix56 wrote, definitely face time her for a chat or a plain old phone call.

You need to catch your breath and rest up a little.