Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Found something put about a man I'm really into... wwyd?

366 replies

007sky · 29/12/2022 18:52

We have been dating for a while and I don't think I've ever been this attracted to someone. He ticks every box however I've always thought there's something about him but could never put my finger on it.

I have recently found out that he has been abusive in previous relationships. This information has not come from just one source. Not sure if this is relevant but he Is a respected professional. Very conflicting I know.

What would your thoughts/feeling be about continuing to see him? He has never been abusive to me.

OP posts:
ShandaLear · 29/12/2022 20:30

Mine was a psychologist, and a textbook narcissist. He even admitted he thought he was one. I got love bombed and discarded every few months for a few years until I got my act together and left the relationship. It was constant torment and I even missed the drama after the split. If you can, run for the hills.

Tessabelle74 · 29/12/2022 20:31

If you're sure of the information, and it sounds legit if from more than one source, I'd be out of there! Abusive men never start a relationship that way, they sucker you in, gradually remove you from your family and friends and the abuse is so gradual you'll be making excuses for your black eyes before you know it

Homebaby · 29/12/2022 20:31

I also "found" something about my ex early on. Decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and he'd always peddled the "she's crazy, made my life hell" story. Soon after that the subtle manipulation started, I had arguments with myself as to whether I'd see his behaviour as manipulative if I hadn't seen what I had, almost convinced myself I was being paranoid. Long story short he was an abusive tosser and I could have saved myself a decent chunk of time if I'd allowed my eyes to open in the first place. They never change op, they just move on to the next person.

mrshenny · 29/12/2022 20:31

100% end it, what he's doing write now is acting until he's got you under his thumb. Then you'll be a victim too.

LexMitior · 29/12/2022 20:32

Yes definitely do not tell him why. Unless you fancy seeing a nasty response.

The fact he is a professional guy means nothing. Men are often better than women at identifying abusive men like this, ironically.

ArabellaScott · 29/12/2022 20:35

Run like the fucking wind and count yourself lucky.

FlissyPaps · 29/12/2022 20:35

Not sure if this is relevant but he Is a respected professional. Very conflicting I know.

Nope. Not relevant.

Men who are homeless can be abusive. Men on job seekers can be abusive. Men in trades can be abusive. Men who are doctors can be abusive. Men who are accountants can be abusive. Men in the armed forces can be abusive. Men who are business owners can be abusive. Men who are aristocrats can be abusive.

What would I do? End it. Don’t risk your life.

Do a ‘Clare’s law’ application if you want some concrete evidence.

Majority of time with abusers they start off charming. The honeymoon period is amazing. They’re the best thing that’s ever happened to you. This could be weeks, months or a year down the line. And slowly but surely, the coercion starts. Followed by threats and emotional abuse. Then followed by violence.

C1N1C · 29/12/2022 20:37

I'd probably get him to spend lots of money on dates (expensive dinners etc), ensure these are time-limited, in public, and a bit of an effort for him... then say you're not interested.

That's just me... because f* him :)

Atethehalloweenchocs · 29/12/2022 20:37

Depends on the source.

ScreamingInfidelities · 29/12/2022 20:37

Run like your tampon string is on fire 🏃🏻‍♀️🔥

LizzieVereker · 29/12/2022 20:38

Nope. Bin him.

marlowe5 · 29/12/2022 20:44

CharlieJulietOscar · 29/12/2022 20:25

Run for the hills. Abusers never make it obvious, it's done over a period of time and usually only realised when the relationship ends upon reflection. There's no smoke without fire. It got to the point I wanted my husband to hit me (as at least then there would be proof) rather than continue with the mental abuse as I got the impression no one would believe me.

Most people only have the mind set to actually report it after the relationship, as when you actually tell people after the fact you realise it's not normal, it's what you've been conditioned to. Unfortunately, this stops women from reporting it as they can be made feel they are doing it out of spite, which is not the case

This made me want to cry. And my relationship like this was 21 years ago... the repercussions lasted for another 18 until DS left home. Really... take this seriously.

ClemDanFango · 29/12/2022 20:44

Your intuition was already activated, now you know why. End it

GirloutofAfrica · 29/12/2022 20:49

I think you could possibly do some kind of check under Clare's law with the Police but I'm not confident of what the criteria would be. Google

NoMoreAgeJokes · 29/12/2022 20:52

This book by Sandra Horley (former Chief Executive of Refuge) made me see how abusers exist in all walks of life:

www.amazon.co.uk/Power-Control-Charming-Dangerous-Lovers/dp/0091884322

Power And Control: Why Charming Men Can Make Dangerous Lovers

Toohardtofindaproperusername · 29/12/2022 20:54

OP how long have you been dating, and are you pulled in so much that even these comments are not going to help you to avoid getting sucked in? Your intuition, followed by knowledge, and now posting here, means you are sufficiently, at the moment, able to 'think'. But abusers will be slowly impacting on that, and he sounds like he is seducing you well. Please try and get out and leave well alone..... it will be very hard, nad he may be very 'tempting'... but don't do it to yourself.
if you can help yourself

FlissyPaps · 29/12/2022 20:54

C1N1C · 29/12/2022 20:37

I'd probably get him to spend lots of money on dates (expensive dinners etc), ensure these are time-limited, in public, and a bit of an effort for him... then say you're not interested.

That's just me... because f* him :)

This is a bad idea.

An abusive man who thinks his time and money has been wasted and then rejected = recipe for disaster. You don’t know what he is capable of.

The amount of times I’ve turned down guys in bars who have insisted on buying me a drink and the turn incredibly nasty, is scary.

CharlieBoo · 29/12/2022 20:56

Red flags are off the scale here.. if you’ve been told, you’ve been told for a reason.

Abusers don’t start off as abusers, there’s no badge, no disclaimer. They are often charming, charismatic, you literally feel like you’re being swept off your feet. They hold off until they know they’ve got you where they want you. It may not be physical abuse, but don’t underestimate the impact emotional abuse has and you don’t even realise it’s begun until you’re already hooked on the end of that line..

run for the hills and don’t look back

NewMoonPhase · 29/12/2022 20:56

007sky · 29/12/2022 19:03

Thanks for the replies. I don't know the extent of this or the details therefore I don't know if any physical violence was involved.

So what DO you know?

Velvetween · 29/12/2022 20:57

The fact that he is a respected professional is not conflicting at all. In fact it raises even more flags for me. He has the ideal cover. Assuming the rumours have some foundation, the reason he is walking around free to abuse women is likely BECAUSE he is a respected professional.

Listen to your instincts and walk away from this. You are, and will be, no different to the others. Sorry.

Talia99 · 29/12/2022 20:58

FlissyPaps · 29/12/2022 20:35

Not sure if this is relevant but he Is a respected professional. Very conflicting I know.

Nope. Not relevant.

Men who are homeless can be abusive. Men on job seekers can be abusive. Men in trades can be abusive. Men who are doctors can be abusive. Men who are accountants can be abusive. Men in the armed forces can be abusive. Men who are business owners can be abusive. Men who are aristocrats can be abusive.

What would I do? End it. Don’t risk your life.

Do a ‘Clare’s law’ application if you want some concrete evidence.

Majority of time with abusers they start off charming. The honeymoon period is amazing. They’re the best thing that’s ever happened to you. This could be weeks, months or a year down the line. And slowly but surely, the coercion starts. Followed by threats and emotional abuse. Then followed by violence.

This. See Lord Glenconnor (friend of the RF) who beat his wife so badly she was left permanently disabled.

DV occurs in all walks of life. It’s just easier to conceal in a detached house or a palatial mansion as the neighbours are less likely to overhear.

I remember years ago Kevin Whately going against his normal likeable every man image to play a professional man who beat his wife (played by Stella Gonet) behind closed doors while appearing as the charming good husband in public. While fictional, it was a very accurate portrayal of middle class domestic violence.

LexMitior · 29/12/2022 20:58

Do yourself a favour and don't start into the "I don't quite believe this as he was not physically violent".

He is so lovely you cannot believe it. But then lots of women choose not to, because they do not have enough evidence.

Run

Lovemusic33 · 29/12/2022 20:59

I think it’s unlikely he will show his true colours so early on, at the moment he probably on his best behaviour, no one really argues during the early stages of a relationship, it’s not until later (once they have got you) that the abuse start. He’s probably already priming you, making you feel amazing and making out he is some kind of gentleman. Get out now before you get hurt.

Zanatdy · 29/12/2022 20:59

I’d end it. If you know the info is likely to be true. I mean you can ask him for an explanation but I can bet you won’t get a factual version of events by the sounds of it

Dottymug · 29/12/2022 20:59

@FlissyPaps agreed. Crazy plan.