Found something put about a man I'm really into... wwyd?

[007sky]

We have been dating for a while and I don't think I've ever been this attracted to someone. He ticks every box however I've always thought there's something about him but could never put my finger on it.

I have recently found out that he has been abusive in previous relationships. This information has not come from just one source. Not sure if this is relevant but he Is a respected professional. Very conflicting I know.

What would your thoughts/feeling be about continuing to see him? He has never been abusive to me.

You don't need to know. Just dump him.

When you say 'something about him' - like what?

@007sky someone/people care enough about you to warn you what you are setting yourself up for. They have seen it before and know how it ends.
If one person warned me off I might think they were jealous perhaps, but multiple? Listen to your doubts and instincts.

Another one worth a read, though it's a novel, is This Charming Man by Marian Keyes. It shocked me. Though it's fiction, the character is based on fact.

I was in a relationship with a physically abusive professional. He is kind, caring and was himself the victim of a very hard childhood where he was beaten by his own father who was…a well respected professional. His father was also domestically abusive towards my ex dp’s mother, including punching her in the face. She is also a professional and they had a lovely house and apparently perfect life.

My ex wants to improve but I’m pretty sure he remains a risk to any woman he ends up with. I heard after we were together that a previous partner before me had threatened to report him for pushing her.

With me it was all low level stuff compared to what some women go through - he smashed up the house, threw cold drinks on me, broke precious things, threw my clothes away. It was awful to experience though. He was always very sorry afterwards, went to therapy to try to stop etc etc, but these men don’t change easily.

I wouldnt risk it, most abuse doesnt come out til youve been together a long time or married or kids, once its out youll kick yourself for not listening

Come on, OP. Listen to your intuition. I always say this, but you have instincts for a reason and you've now received information that tells you that you were right. Get out while you can.

Exactly this. He doesn't tick every box as there's something wrong that you can't put your finger on? What has he done or said, or not said that has rung a very faint alarm bell?

In any case if multiple sources are telling you he's abusive, you need to get out now.

OP "Not sure if this is relevant but he Is a respected professional. Very conflicting I know."

it's not conflicting at all.

please end it.

Even if he never hurts you, he has hurt others. Why would you want to be with a man capable of that?

I agree, best to steer clear of this person...he has 'form'!

George Carman QC, one of the most respected criminal barristers of his generation, beat his wife and children.

He was a very professional man, great barrister and an utter bastard. A man's professional status means nothing

Run for the hills OP.
Don't ignore your feeling that something isn't quite right.

I have just split from very abusive dh and also found out that he was like it with previous partner. I can't say I didn't have an idea. He was abusive to me before we even lived together, not going to go into details. But I don't think these men can change.
Please bin him op. Plenty more fish.

You can do a Claire's law application with the police. They won't notify him but they can give you some information and tell you if you are at risk, if that will help you make a decision. I do agree with the majority here I would run. But as someone who stayed with someone believing all the lies until I had physical proof I know how hard it can be to leave xx

My ex husband was a respected professional. He was also an abuser of the very worst kind. I wish someone had told me about his history.

There are millions of men who aren't abusers, so you will still have loads to choose from if you bin this one.

well done for escaping, it's very common to doubt yourself and abusers can exploit that, but when there are reports from multiple sources then it all looks VERY different.
That's part of why these types need to control the victim, they know that if word gets about their reputation takes a hit and they can no longer get away with it, that's why they have to put so much effort into maintaining the nice façade!

the higher his professional status the more people will unquestioningly trust him & the more he can get away with
it's the old 'power corrupts' thing...many people just cant help exploiting it

Hey @007sky

Are you OK? Is this thread helping you?
I really hope it is

Everyone around me kept their mouths shut about what they knew about my ex's past, but were quick to tell me all about it after the event when it all blew up.
If I'd been told sooner, in the first few weeks I'd have at least been making an informed decision, further on I'm not sure I'd have listened tbh - as sad as that sounds because I was in too deep.
I too had a 'feeling' early on and because of his attention I ignored it.
I really wish I hadn't, but you live and learn, maybe my feeling and warnings from others combined would have stopped me getting in too deep and I'd have walked away.
Trust yourself first and foremost, and if the source(s) are trustworthy then add them in to the bigger picture - and get out.

My father was a police officer - he made it to inspector - he abused both me and my mum, being a professional, or even someone that should protect others is no indicator at all.

Please end it now.

It's part of the "violent men use their fists or are cruel because they are inarticulate" crap.

A lot of people get stuck on this idea, because they can only imagine violence as a last resort. So professional men aren't.

These people do not understand an abusive mentality, which is enjoyment of abusing others and feeling superior. As a first response.

It is all the difference in the world

I have recently found out that he has been abusive in previous relationships. This information has not come from just one source. Not sure if this is relevant but he Is a respected professional. Very conflicting I know.

In what way is it conflicting?

I would run, very fast!

Everyone around me kept their mouths shut about what they knew about my ex's past, but were quick to tell me all about it after the event when it all blew up
awful, I am sorry. I think what happens is that some people's default setting is not to speak out against a man, probably unconscious fear that he will find out and come after them. Not saying that to defend them, just that I think it is done unthinkingly. It's wrong, we should name & shame.
My father was a police officer - he made it to inspector - he abused both me and my mum
I think predators can 'smell' those who have already been victims of abuse, they are always feeling for weaknesses, existing wounds that they can open.

It doesn't matter if there was physical violence or not. Emotional abuse is just as bad.

Unless anyone has motive to make rumours up about him, I'd run.

Everything you wrote in the first paragraph of your original post is irrelevant if he's an abuser.

I'd take a step back from this whilst you still can. You sound like you are falling hard for him but still have your eyes open right now. If you stay with him, you will be so deep in love that there will be no way out.