Found something put about a man I'm really into... wwyd?

[007sky]

We have been dating for a while and I don't think I've ever been this attracted to someone. He ticks every box however I've always thought there's something about him but could never put my finger on it.

I have recently found out that he has been abusive in previous relationships. This information has not come from just one source. Not sure if this is relevant but he Is a respected professional. Very conflicting I know.

What would your thoughts/feeling be about continuing to see him? He has never been abusive to me.

ps ‘I am finding it hard not to see him again and I’m not sure why’ — this is his manipulation, though you can’t see the strings behind it yet. Men like this very subtly manipulate you using your own weak spots (which you probably don’t know about yet; damage from your past; specific needs you have).

Let me guess. Great at sex. Sex has never been so good. Etc.

Why hasn’t it put you off him that he has treated others so badly? The “ well he’s always been nice to me” doesn’t make sense. I wouldn’t want to be friends with someone who treated other humans, or animals, badly - never mind be in a serious relationship with them!

It says something about you OP that isn’t very nice.

Let me guess. Great at sex. Sex has never been so good. Etc.

Oh, OP has already said that the sex is great. I also predicted that before she said it.

@007sky i know you're probably fed up hearing the same thing by now but you posted for opinions so even though I've already commented please hear me out.
I was involved in an abusive relationship last year, fortunately my first but that meant I was in too deep before I realised and it did me a great deal of emotional damage. I moved on with the help of therapy and met someone else part way in to this year. As I said previously I'd found out he'd been abusive in earlier relationships and thought the same as you, I'll get out at the first sign. I actually walked away once as my gut was screaming at me but went back because I thought I was being hasty. Even though I knew every single red flag to look for I ended up excusing his poor behaviour because it wasn't actually abusive. He was also distant at times but always had a 'reason' for it. Guess what, his behaviour deteriorated and I'm now single and trying to navigate feeling much like I did the back end of last year. Trouble is these kinds of men are that manipulative you don't realise what's happening until it's too late, it's very very subtle like someone is eating away at you but you don't realise. Trust your gut, those feelings are there for a reason.

None so blind.

We'll be here when it goes tits up.

We will. Don't hesitate, OP.

We are here, happy to help, and won't judge.

My abusive ex also a professional man. Charming to all who know him... To the extent that Iost friends when I ran away with our child.
Early in our relationship he showed me pictures of bruising from a 'crazy" ex who'd hit him. In hindsight these were probably self defence.
I got a Claire law disclosure which was terrifying.
I later had coffee with crazy ex and believe me, I got away at the right time.
I would run over hot coals to inform any new partner of his what he's capable of.
Ask yourself, what's in it for these 'multiple sources' to lie to you?

One of my DDs is with a man who claims to have a crazy ex.
It worries me terribly.

@007sky OF COURSE the sex is good! Why I’d bet he thrills at the things you do for him! He might even give a bit.

Now over time use those brain cells to hear his criticisms… maybe you aren’t as biologically “ready” for him as you’d like.. or you might get some REAL energy and want something more sexually than his praise for you pleasing him (again not to worry you’ll soon be told how deficient you are in his eyes).

Basically OP if you need to say sex is good .. it means you have given your body over for bad sex often. Telling you, you have been selling short for longer than you’ve known this man. Perfect target.

Your idea of good sex is suspect and I’m here to bet you wi t tell us what is good!!!!

OP you are long gone. A sister in this that ALMOST got it right. You’ll later be dreaming of the day you just turned your back. Not you, you’re on that wooden roller coaster that millions have been tall enough to ride. Yay!

You serve as a learning device, just like me. I keep putting out my humiliating knowledge so that maybe one will be saved.

I hope one woman will be astute enough to understand that she is deserving of consistent and safe relationships wherein sex is always great because she has boundaries and clear expectations.

I hope you have the intelligence and honor to share your story after it turns bad. I hope after your relationship turns tit’s up you do your service here.

For now… enjoy that “good sex” I hope I’m wrong and I’m here to build you up. If you’re trolling than whatever. Still hoping these personal stories reach someone

good sex” is a minimum entry to the wonders of your body.

i hope someone somewhere gets this point. we ought to stop putting up with crappy sex and learning good sex is a basic requirement.

I agree but the problem is they will make an effort at the start of relationship until you've made a commitment and can't escape without losing something, then they stop trying.... the good sex was only a means to an end.... the means to getting you under control so they can reap the benefits of a woman who will do their bidding!

For me the solution is never to live with a man, gives them too much power🤷
(of course not all men are like it and some women may use a similar strategy)

The most awful dreadful Andrew potato recently shot down in flames by Greta thunberg, has said this himself, openly admitted he uses sex as a way to make women fall in love with him so that he can then make them do whatever he wants them to.
They use it to try and make you addicted to them so that they can own and control you.

I am only ever going to call him Andrew Potato now.

😁🙏

Please, for your own safety, ask for a disclosure under 'Clare's Law' at your local police force. At the very least you can then feel like you are taking some control. www.sarsas.org.uk/resources/clares-law/

She believes he's been abusive in the past. She knows what he is. She just thinks she's cleverer than the women before her.

He wasn’t abusive to the others ( you use plural). Until he was.

I guess my point is that once sex stops being “good” then it’s time to stop having it with that person.

It is high time women stop allowing our bodies to be used for a man’s pleasure without getting any of our own.

Plus I’m willing to bet OP has very little idea what good sex is…. The bar is low….. so low….

tragically low bar OP.

"...................tragically low bar OP"

Yes. Let's just hope she takes some of this advice on board, or we'll see yet another thread by an abused woman on here - which could really have been avoided.

OP - why are you different from the other women he's abused?

Why are you not in the least bothered that other women have reported abuse, anyway? I could not be with a man who I knew had had abusive relationships in the past.

Why do the other posters suggest the bar is low? You don't know these people. It is hard to just 'dump and move on' if the things that have been said about him have not directly affected you.

@JustKittenAround for you to even say that suggests that you are the one who doesn't know what good sex is. Your judgement says it all.

I still do not know what it was but there has always been something there. I always had a kind of feeling that he had skeletons in the closet iyswim but I could never put my finger on it and I don't know what gave me that feeling. I can't even recall that it was from anything that he has said.

It took me a long while to understand this but "the gap" is a major red flag.

It is really hard to identify the absence of something, but your gut knows something is missing. There is an evasiveness or vagueness around certain topics on his part, a lack of willingness to engage in certain ways.

It might feel like he 'plays his cards close to his chest' or is emotionally unavailable. Always keeping things light and breezy and fun is a way of being emotionally unavailable... as is always having activity-based dates and lots of sex, rather than taking time to talk and get to know each other well. But because your life together feels busy and full, it is easy to overlook this.

'The gap' also creates a feeling in you of constantly wanting more, and keeps you in pursuit. It's addictive. You always feel tantalisingly close to breaking through to a deeper level or a greater understanding, or moving forward, but it never actually happens.

You can waste years stuck in this space.

You've been given solid information about at least some of what this gap is really hiding. It's very easy to convince yourself that you're not like the others, that you're going to be the one he will change for. But he hasn't changed, and you know this because he hasn't given you the information about his past himself. Anyone who has been abusive in the past and who genuinely recognises this and is remorseful and working on change will be forthcoming with the information, including information on what he has done and is doing to be different.

Because that is a tragically low bar. My bar used to be low as well but I did not have the help of those here or anyone to warn me. I might have still had a low bar….

But I’m not going to sit here and help normalize having a low bar for men.

Not me. I won’t do it. You do you. I just am too good to normalize and co-sign on abusive behavior. You can go your own way on that.

Sex with an abusive man who runs hot and cold isn’t good sex. I feel like your bar may need rising up as well. But that’s just my opinion and if it’s good enough for you then have at it.

Continue to keep these trash men busy so others don’t have to deal with them. Thanks!

Thank you all for the encouragement as I know I shouldn't see him again and this is the push I needed. I have been making excuses as to why I can't see him and I am doing a slow drift away from him. I must admit it has been hard at times as part of me still wants to see him but I know that I shouldn't and the feeling of
wanting to see him will fade.

Any tips to take my mind off him and not go back there will be appreciated.

I'm sure I speak for us all when I say that I'm glad you've seen the light OP. All sorts of things have been suggested here such as The Freedom Programme and the excellent book The Gift of Fear.

Anything which takes your mind off this bloke, even a new hobby or interest, something which helps your self-esteem can help. Re-read the responses on here if ever you falter. Good luck OP.

I won't like, OP, it can take time to get over being coerced. It feels like loss at first, when in fact, years later, one realises it was an escape.

I'd suggest making a list of things you like to do, that bring you joy. See friends. Book a holiday. This book has nothing to do with food, despite the title:

marthabeck.com/2003/05/the-joy-diet/

If you're feeling stronger, might it be worth considering what it is that this man represented to you that seemed so attractive? Perhaps discussing with a trusted friend, or therapist or counsellor?