Found something put about a man I'm really into... wwyd?

[007sky]

We have been dating for a while and I don't think I've ever been this attracted to someone. He ticks every box however I've always thought there's something about him but could never put my finger on it.

I have recently found out that he has been abusive in previous relationships. This information has not come from just one source. Not sure if this is relevant but he Is a respected professional. Very conflicting I know.

What would your thoughts/feeling be about continuing to see him? He has never been abusive to me.

I won't *lie, not like!

You need to block his number OP.

Then delete it, so you’re not tempted to contact him.

Block him on any form of social media he may have.

Delete any messages you have from him. Any photos too.

Occupy yourself with other things. Hobbies, friends, exercise, anything you enjoy doing.

It will be hard. Really hard. As he has charmed you and pulled you in.

If he tries to contact you or beg for you - don’t fall for his bullshit. If he becomes aggressive or you sense any form of abuse coming - contact the police.

But please remember this is for the best. This feeling won’t last forever. Accepting he is no good for you is a really brave and sensible step, so honestly, well done for that!

It will get easier in time.

We’ll done @007sky this is a relief to read! I’m two years out if a coercive abusive relationship and the emotional distress has been immense at times. XH has played the victim to great effect, inc threatening suicide and to take the kids, but somehow it’s all the more subtle manipulation that does my head in.

You have done well to avoid getting any more involved with him, really well done.

Solo sport. Not necessarily alone, but one which relies on your own body/strength/wits - eg, mountaineering/skiing/swimming.

as the great Sharon Strezecki once said “the sooner you realise all men are bastards and develop an interest in sports - the happier you’ll be”. 😉

I jest - but if you take up a “tough” sport, you’ll realise you can do anything and you’ll feel mentally and physically strong.

best of luck!

It'll be interesting to see how he responds, OP.

IME abusers are not only canny, but patient. So I wouldn't be surprised at a bolt from the blue at some point, when you've relaxed your guard.

Great news OP. I would just stop responding at this point, rather than the slow fade.

Well done for spotting the flags and trusting your gut!

Well done @007sky . Yes, it will feel hard at the minute but nowhere near as hard as it would be if you’d stuck around and allowed the abuse to begin whilst he slowly eroded your self esteem, self worth and confidence. It’s much harder to pick yourself up from that.
You’ve absolutely done the right thing. As a PP said, be prepared for a bolt out the blue at some point as this is exactly how these men operate. They need attention and validation. Stay strong and don’t be sucked back in. You’ve got this 💪

Well done! You are saving yourself a lot of misery believe me.

After living with an abusive father my first boyfriend was abusive. Nothing physical- it started with hot and cold, moved onto the silent treatment, walking out after arguments etc. I ignored it and moved in with him, where it continued. After 18 months he pushed me hard into a wall. From somewhere I found the strength to leave.

His next girlfriend had the same treatment, but he ramped it up and she ended up hospitalised. It doesn't matter if it is violent or not violent the end result is you become a shell of a person.

That's good news, OP. I'm so glad you've decided to end things with this abusive man.

I echo PP who recommend that you take a firm stand, and make a clean break.

Block him. Delete his number. Delete his pictures on social media (if he has any).

Just ghost him completely, and do not give him a chance to beg you, or persuade you, or demand an explanation from you.

You will be safer this way. These men are very, very good at drawing women back in. They do not like women having the upper hand at all and they always feel that they should be the ones who finish a relationship.

I hope you find peace with your decision and that he doesn't start trying to harass you at all. Please keep posting if you find it helps.

If you waver, remember the women he has abused in the past. Remember our stories on this thread. Remember that we're all behind you and willing you to succeed in leaving him.

If you do decide to try to give him an explanation I believe that would be a grave mistake. You will easily get sucked back in - because these men are past masters at manipulation.

I expect you may get a few "but what have I done!" messages from him if you leave the door even slightly open.

It is safer to make a clean break.

Well done OP.

Please stay strong and take care. Just stay clear of him

Huge red flag x

OP… what exactly was the most compelling thing you read that got you to “see the light?”

I ask because I hope to help anyone else I can in this situation and if something said resonated with you then it would be helpful to know.

I had to learn the rough and hard way more than once about these trash men. So if I can help anyone else not waste their time then I am all about it!

Do you know what love bombing looks like?
You say he isn't doing it, but I'd never heard of it when I met my ex, in the first six -12 months of dating he did things like make me lunch to bring to my office, every day, he had the same interests as I did, he made me cards, cooked every night for me, a hundred more things that made me feel so important and loved.

This all came to a complete stop when I let him move into my home, which he did by stealth, out of his fathers spare room, by staying so often I gave in as he was there all the time, using my computer, hot water, tv, so he may as well chip in with my rent.

Love bombing isn't always so identifiable.

Do you know what love bombing looks like

Yes I'm aware of love bombing and he has not been doing that.

@beingsunny thank you for sharing. And everybody else who has shared their experiences, thank you.

Updates