Found something put about a man I'm really into... wwyd?

[007sky]

We have been dating for a while and I don't think I've ever been this attracted to someone. He ticks every box however I've always thought there's something about him but could never put my finger on it.

I have recently found out that he has been abusive in previous relationships. This information has not come from just one source. Not sure if this is relevant but he Is a respected professional. Very conflicting I know.

What would your thoughts/feeling be about continuing to see him? He has never been abusive to me.

Yet. He hasn't been abusive to me yet.

I'd run. Block, delete the lot.

Does it need to be physical?

Abuse is abuse regardless of how it’s dealt.

I always ask myself whether I would want my best friend to be in this situation & if not, run don’t walk.

Run for the fucking hills OP.

Most women don't get a warning.

Thanks for the replies. I don't know the extent of this or the details therefore I don't know if any physical violence was involved.

Hmm, so how much abuse are you prepared for? Just a little bit of emotional and mental abuse, smidgen of verbal abuse, a bit of light financial abuse? 🙄

Don't be naive enough to think that you are the person special enough for it not to happen to you and that he will be different with you. Does it matter if it is physical or not - it's a mindset and indicator of him not being a good person? I was warned about my ex, not for abuse but for being a womaniser. I wish I had listened. I was silly enough to think that I was 'the one' since he wanted to marry me and hadn't with others. I am a successful well educated woman. He was a successful professional. Many abusers are. I have known a doctor who was a physical abuser to his wife, but nevertheless the anchor of the village and well respected. No one knew. How lucky that you have this information before it was too late.

You do not want to risk this. Extracting yourself from a mentally or emotionally abusive relationship is just as hard as physical abuse. They wear your sense of self down until you are broken. In fact I used to wish he'd hit me so I could explain it.

Multiple sources?.. Jesus, That’s not just a red flag it’s a giant warning klaxon telling you to get the hell out of there.

I’m guessing that if you’re in England or Wales you’ve already made a domestic violence disclosure request using Clare’s Law:

www.gov.uk/government/publications/domestic-abuse-bill-2020-factsheets/domestic-violence-disclosure-scheme-factsheet

The fact he’s a professional is neither here nor there: abusers come from all walks of life. Just because he’s on his best behaviour with you is also neither here nor there; it’ll be your turn soon: that’s how they operate. Trust your instincts and run.

Unless you want to be another victim then obviously dump him.

Be careful with Claire’s law because not all abuse is reported so while it’s beneficial to do it’s not enough on its own.
If someone is telling you he’s been abusive, believe them. Domestic abuse is really common, false reports are not common.
Step away it’s not worth it.

If he’s an energy lawyer with two failed marriages behind him, then let me add to the multiple sources: run.

Respected professionals are no less likely to be abusers.

I'd end it OP - in my professional experience men don't stop perpetrating abuse without extensive therapy and professional support. The fact this is coming from multiple sources says an awful lot.

Emotional/financial/controlling abusive behaviours are just as horrendous as physical abuse - please don't let it not being physical trick you into thinking it is any less bad.

Would you expect an abuser to call you a stupid bitch and smack you round the head on the first date? Or is it more likely they'll manipulate you, get what they want from you and when they've had their fill of that the real fun starts?

Think about it (for one millisecond) then get the fuck away

'Ticking every box' is a sign in itself. Abusive men play at being your ideal person to reel you in. Only once you are where they want you do they let the mask slip.

I would try to find out more, though. I wouldn't assume it was true. But I'd be extremely wary and might also test him a bit - by disagreeing with him on a few points, doing something different from what he wants and seeing how he reacts.

Oh for goodness sake, do you honestly think abusive men show that side of themselves at the start?

It really doesn't matter if it was physical or not. Emotional abuse really is as bad, and is usually carried out by narcissistic personality types who can be high achievers.

I felt "off" about a man once, and ended it after we spent a weekend together, I finally listened to all those niggles and realised his facade was slipping. He ended up stalking me online for a while, but shortly after I broke it off, lockdown happened, and he didn't escalate further. His behaviour confirmed my instincts, though. Listen to yours.

I've never understood women who say "he's never been abusive to me" while knowing that he has to other women. Is your bar that low? If he's nice to you it doesn't matter to you how bad he was or is to other people?
That's before you even start with the extremely likely chance of him chaning from nice to not so nice with you too, at some stage.....

My ex is a salt-of-the-earth type, will help anyone do anything. He’s gentle and quiet and you’d trust him with anything. I fell for it, thought I’d found my soulmate.

At home he was emotionally and financially abusive, a sex pest, spiteful, coercive and manipulative. To me and our DC.

I’m a smart professional woman with my head screwed on. I never saw it coming but in hindsight it was all there. He now won’t leave me alone even though we’re divorced because of his abuse.

If someone has done you the favour of warning you, listen to them.

I reported my abusive ex to the police, although he wasn't violent he is emotionally abusive and financially abusive.

I want to help other women who may be a victim of him, thing is if I tell them they probably won't believe me and he will tell them I'm crazy.

Absolutely - you’re lucky that you’ve been warned. What you do with that warning is of course up to you, but you’d be daft to think you’re somehow immune to his abuse. It happens to the best of us. And fwiw, Both the abusers that I ended up with took 2 years for their true colours to come out, so just because he hasn’t done anything to you yet, doesn’t mean he won’t.

I know that very rarely these people can change. But not unless they acknowledge what they’ve done and the impact it’s had and have taken steps to improve themselves. I know my most recent ex definitely didn’t take any responsibility for how he behaved and I know that the next woman will be wined, dined, treated like a goddess and worshipped, until she expresses an opinion or a need of her own. At which point the real him will emerge. It’s galling to imagine that someone else will get all the good stuff but I have to remember that it comes at a high price.

God, no, get out now! Your instincts are telling you something is seriously wrong about him and luckily that's been backed up by others.

Leave before it's too late, before you can no longer say he didn't abuse you too:

Multiple sources and you'd picked up that something was off. I think you know you should end it.

I'd run like the wind and not look back.

You know he's love bombing you, right?

He'll change when he's got you where he wants you.