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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Found something put about a man I'm really into... wwyd?

366 replies

007sky · 29/12/2022 18:52

We have been dating for a while and I don't think I've ever been this attracted to someone. He ticks every box however I've always thought there's something about him but could never put my finger on it.

I have recently found out that he has been abusive in previous relationships. This information has not come from just one source. Not sure if this is relevant but he Is a respected professional. Very conflicting I know.

What would your thoughts/feeling be about continuing to see him? He has never been abusive to me.

OP posts:
Ballcactus · 29/12/2022 20:09

Not yet he hasn’t. End it. He will show his true colours

viques · 29/12/2022 20:09

If it looks like a duck………..

quack.

Janemact · 29/12/2022 20:09

Get out, but do it gently. The most dangerous time with abusive men is when you leave them. If you can make it look as if you’re just drifting apart, it’s probably safer. But leave! Professional men get away with more cos people don’t believe they could be so vile.

Janemact · 29/12/2022 20:10

Get out, but do it gently. The most dangerous time with abusive men is when you leave them. If you can make it look as if you’re just drifting apart, it’s probably safer. But leave! Professional men get away with more cos people don’t believe they could be so vile.

sageandrosemary · 29/12/2022 20:12

End it now.

itsnotmeitisactuallyyou · 29/12/2022 20:12

That something you cant put your finger on but know something is not quite right is your gut,listen to it and run for the hills.

pastypirate · 29/12/2022 20:13

If someone has gone out of their way to warn you then run for the hills. The abuse must have been very obvious.

OnemoresliceofChristmascake · 29/12/2022 20:13

That 'something about him you can't put your finger on' . That's your intuition warning you that you are in danger. Listen to it.

Justatoe2 · 29/12/2022 20:14

I really wish I'd listened (to the crazy ex). Currently having therapy to unpick the psychological damage from my 'perfect relationship'.

PurpleFlower1983 · 29/12/2022 20:16

Sorry OP but I would end it, abusers get their kicks one way or another eventually.

jetadore · 29/12/2022 20:17

What would your thoughts/feeling be about continuing to see him? He has never been abusive to me.

Yet. He hasn’t been abusive to you yet.

PurpleFlower1983 · 29/12/2022 20:17

Another one here who believed there was a crazy ex! Don’t waste the years!

ohfourfoxache · 29/12/2022 20:17

Run like fuck

Then run some more

LexMitior · 29/12/2022 20:17

Run

Puppers · 29/12/2022 20:19

Come on. You’re a grown up. You know what you need to do.

emptythelitterbox · 29/12/2022 20:20

Run for the hills.

There's a phrase called street angel, house devil to describe men like that.

They usually don't unleash the abuse until they know you are hooked on them and unlikely to leave. They'll push your boundaries and give you little shit tests to see how much you'll put up with.

Many crack around the 3 to 8 month mark. Some when the woman is pregnant or after she gives birth.

They are masters at putting on the good front and can play the long game as long as they need to.

Then there is the covert narcissist abuser. These fuckers are the most evil of them all. Many will never raise their voice or lay a hand on you but their mental abuse is devastating.

If you want him to show his true colours quickly, just start saying no and being disagreeable with him. No, you don't feel like going out. No, you're not in the mood for sex. No, he can't come over as you're busy. No, you'd rather not go to that restaurant.

Simple things like that, that non abusive men take in stride.

user12345678912334 · 29/12/2022 20:21

To add to my original post.
I believe professionals are worse. They are intelligent and educated. So should know their behaviour is unacceptable.
My 'D'P dropped out of therapy because he thought he was better than the other perpetrators on the course. He obviously isn't. Things have escalated.
Don't be me. I am a shadow of the woman I used to be.

JinglingXmasbells · 29/12/2022 20:21

I wonder how you managed to talk to so many of his ex's?
Do you live near each other and discuss men you have dated?

I'm not saying these men exist, but it's unusual to find a clutch of ex's who have all dated the same man.

What's he background to that from your side?

Talia99 · 29/12/2022 20:21

jetadore · 29/12/2022 20:17

What would your thoughts/feeling be about continuing to see him? He has never been abusive to me.

Yet. He hasn’t been abusive to you yet.

So much this.

Violent men don’t change.

emptythelitterbox · 29/12/2022 20:25

I forgot to mention, look up mirroring.
Abusive men are experts at it.
They make your think they tick all the boxes and create such a soul mate type of familiarity.

CharlieJulietOscar · 29/12/2022 20:25

Run for the hills. Abusers never make it obvious, it's done over a period of time and usually only realised when the relationship ends upon reflection. There's no smoke without fire. It got to the point I wanted my husband to hit me (as at least then there would be proof) rather than continue with the mental abuse as I got the impression no one would believe me.

Most people only have the mind set to actually report it after the relationship, as when you actually tell people after the fact you realise it's not normal, it's what you've been conditioned to. Unfortunately, this stops women from reporting it as they can be made feel they are doing it out of spite, which is not the case

LexMitior · 29/12/2022 20:26

I bet he likes all the things you like.

Amazing

watchfulwishes · 29/12/2022 20:27

He ticks every box however I've always thought there's something about him but could never put my finger on it. Gut instinct is real and should never be ignored, even if vague.

I have recently found out that he has been abusive in previous relationships. This information has not come from just one source. If multiple sources, it is correct.

Not sure if this is relevant but he Is a respected professional. Completely irrelevant, and often professionals are better at covering it up in the early stages due to their social training.

What would your thoughts/feeling be about continuing to see him? I would end it immediately, you have been very lucky to be warned*

He has never been abusive to me yet. He is reeling you in, you have been given a chance to wriggle away before his grip tightens.

IrisCosyCottage · 29/12/2022 20:29

End it. And don't tell him why. Just 'it's not working for you'. If you open the door to a conversation about it you'll be putting his part partners at risk and you'll be giving him the opportunity to try to sweet talk you round eg it's different with you; they're all liars, etc, etc.
Be grateful you've found out this early and without having to experience it yourself. Flowers

IrisCosyCottage · 29/12/2022 20:30

past partners not part partners