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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Found something put about a man I'm really into... wwyd?

366 replies

007sky · 29/12/2022 18:52

We have been dating for a while and I don't think I've ever been this attracted to someone. He ticks every box however I've always thought there's something about him but could never put my finger on it.

I have recently found out that he has been abusive in previous relationships. This information has not come from just one source. Not sure if this is relevant but he Is a respected professional. Very conflicting I know.

What would your thoughts/feeling be about continuing to see him? He has never been abusive to me.

OP posts:
Maverickess · 31/12/2022 10:09

@007sky

I don't think it will really make much difference what any of us say at this point because I think, from your responses, he's inside your head already.
That's said with no judgement, I know how it's done and how it happens but please, when you do realise, when things get too much and reach a head, don't feel stupid or like everyone will be 'told you so' - reach out and get help, because it will make the process so much more bearable. I felt so humiliated when I realised where I was and what had happened to me, what I'd let happen to me. And that's all part of it, it took me longer to break away because I didn't feel like even if people believed me, they'd care about what he was doing, he had convinced me I was utterly worthless.

The more independent, the stronger you are, the more attractive you are to a man like this, it's more satisfying to an abusive man to break a strong and independent woman and to put her in the place he wants her to be, subservient and submissive to him. You're more of a challenge, he doesn't admire those qualities about you, he wants to break them. It makes him feel more powerful.

But, it's not you at fault, it's him, these are his issues not yours and that, if nothing else is what you need to keep firmly in your head for the future.

SuperSange · 31/12/2022 10:10

You say you're not being naive, but here you are, not ending a relationship for which you have two independent sources telling you he's been abusive in the past. That you can go slowly, won't move in together, etc. What about, a year down the line, once he's reeled you in and you're resisting moving in together? What's the point of the relationship if not to progress it?

I think you're being very naive, and wilfully ignoring all the Ted bunting waving about because you have feelings for him. Those feelings are not serving you well, your gut is.

Good luck. You're going to need it.

ArabellaScott · 31/12/2022 10:31

Well, a gentle reminder that it's all entirely up to the OP.

Trying to berate or pressurise her is not helpful - that risks replicating the dynamic of a controlling relationshp. Wiser women than me have explained this all on here before - all one can do is offer information, and support. It's always got to be up to the OP to take it, or not.

OP just to let you know that no matter what, there are and always will be women who will be there for you, and willing and able to help you. All the best.

Lavenderfowl · 31/12/2022 11:07

YY @ArabellaScott no judgement from me and I’ll be here for @007sky if she needs our help later; us survivors/escapees must stick together!

LlynTegid · 31/12/2022 11:09

The only question for me in your shoes would be whether or not to tell him the reason why you are ending the relationship.

End it now.

Soothsayer1 · 31/12/2022 11:48

LlynTegid · 31/12/2022 11:09

The only question for me in your shoes would be whether or not to tell him the reason why you are ending the relationship.

End it now.

And how do you think a clever charismatic manipulative abuser would respond if you told him the reason you're ending the relationship......?

Soothsayer1 · 31/12/2022 11:50

Answer
You'd be playing right into his hands!

Soothsayer1 · 31/12/2022 11:55

Or maybe you're working at high level and it's part of a sophisticated plan the like of which I could not begin to imagine @LlynTegid 😁
Anyway.... if it was me I would capitalise on the time that he is distant and be very distant with him and then just keep being more and more distant until I dropped off his radar 📡
broadly speaking that would be my strategy😁

layladomino · 31/12/2022 12:46

It's come from two separarte sources. It ties in with what your gut was already telling you. He already blows hot and cold (a bad sign even without the other stuff).

All the above shows that it's likely true. So, what to do with that information?

Either stick around and wait to see if he becomes (more) abusive - the risk is very high of this happening. It will be much harder to extracate yourself, the longer you stay with him, as you will be in deeper, make more excuses for him and you will have been weakened by his abuse. You will wish you'd listened to those warnings when they appeared, and saved yourself months or years or decades of abuse (and perhaps months and years of waiting for it to come).

Or - listen to the warnings and leave, and be certain of it never happening to you.

In the extremely unlikely scenario that this man would choose not to abuse you, despite abusing previous partners, why would you want to stay with him? You'd still spend your life waiting for it to happen, and would you really want to be with a man who has abused other women?

TheShellBeach · 31/12/2022 14:17

LlynTegid · 31/12/2022 11:09

The only question for me in your shoes would be whether or not to tell him the reason why you are ending the relationship.

End it now.

No question. The OP should absolutely not mention this to the man.
It will put her in danger.

starinthenightsky · 31/12/2022 14:34

007sky · 30/12/2022 21:57

Apologies as I think it sounded as though I haven't taken anything on board - I have. Thank you all. I am finding it hard to not see him again and I'm not sure why. Albeit if I do see him again I will take things very slowly and will not get into a position that I can not get out of. This is not me being naive and he hasn't been love bombing or anything of that sort.

Sorry OP but this is you being naive. There are over 200 people on this post advising you to leave this man. Many women speaking from experience, including myself. This will not end well. Do not waste anymore time as it will get harder to walk away. When I heard rumours I thought i'll be cautious and I wasn't cautious enough as I got too caught up. Take the crystal clear advice that you asked for please.

JuneOsborne · 31/12/2022 18:41

And this is how abusive men don't, isn't it? It's unbelievable that he could be an abuser because he has been nice. But also distant at times. To keep you second guessing yourself.

You're playing a dangerous game op and I have no idea why you've got the appetite for it. There's so much better out there than this prick. I wish you could see that.

TheShellBeach · 31/12/2022 22:51

Well, if the OP is in need of support when she's eventually trying to get away from this man, we'll be here to help.

Original poster
007sky · 01/01/2023 13:33

I will not be asking him about it.
He is not behaving in ways to try to make me fall for him or love bombing etc. It is very genuine and non intense. Very breezy, friendly and lots of attraction iyswim.

OP posts:
Bassetlover · 01/01/2023 14:21

There's no helping some people 🙄

ArabellaScott · 01/01/2023 14:43

These are the reasons you made this post, OP:

'I've always thought there's something about him but could never put my finger on it'

'I am finding it hard to not see him again and I'm not sure why'

'I still do not know what it was but there has always been something there. I always had a kind of feeling that he had skeletons in the closet iyswim but I could never put my finger on it and I don't know what gave me that feeling'

'He can be very distant at times and other times he can be very loving. I did find that rather strange too.'

Movinghouseatlast · 01/01/2023 14:48

They don't all 'love bomb'.

My poor mum married an abuser when she was 19. She married him because he was 'kind'. Her life was made an absolute misery until.she died, a shell of a woman. Her 3 children were all deeoly fucked up by growing up in a family where coercive control happened on a daily basis. My mum was not allowed friends or to see her family. He had affairs. He smashed up the house. He threatened suicide if she stepped out of line. He never laid a finger on her or the children but everyone was wounded. Everyone on the outside thought he was charming and lovely.

I just can't believe you are contemplating doing this. Abusers make you feel everything I'd your fault, they mess with your head to convince you thst you have nowhere else to go.

Soothsayer1 · 01/01/2023 14:52

Leopards do not change their spots🐆

TheShellBeach · 01/01/2023 15:06

007sky · 01/01/2023 13:33

I will not be asking him about it.
He is not behaving in ways to try to make me fall for him or love bombing etc. It is very genuine and non intense. Very breezy, friendly and lots of attraction iyswim.

Still finding excuses to carry on seeing him?
Wake up, OP.

category12 · 01/01/2023 15:12

It's quite depressing that you are determined to pursue this despite real life warnings, your own misgivings and tons of advice on here.

Would you consider doing the Freedom Programme or something to ensure that you are as equipped as possible to recognise warning signs and what might be behind your desire to ignore your own gut instincts?

category12 · 01/01/2023 15:18

Also, even if you're going to keep seeing him, make a Claire's Law application. If the police don't have anything, it doesn't mean that he hasn't been abusive, but if he has had police involvement, at least you'll know for sure and for what.

Goldpaw · 01/01/2023 15:20

Let's look on the bright side, if it wasn't the OP it would be some other woman who may not have heard about his abusive nature, so at least the OP is making her decision in full knowledge, and saving someone else.

viques · 01/01/2023 15:20

007sky · 30/12/2022 21:24

Thank you for your replies. I have a lot to think about. We won't be moving in together or anything like that therfore I will always have my own independence if things did take a turn for the worse.

I think someone asked above how reliable the sources are. I do know that the two sources do not know eachother and they were both about two separate relationships and the thing is that they are the only relationships I know of him being in although I'm sure he has been in more and I'm not sure how they went.

You know of three of his relationships, you and two others.

So two abusive, and one making you uneasy when he blows hot and cold ( classic preliminary abusive behaviour see Abuse 101 The Manual, if you ask about it you will be either imagining it, or paranoid, or controlling or mis trustful. Whichever,it will be your fault. Try it and see.)

ding, ding, ding.

I think you could have hit the jackpot. Sadly no prize.

category12 · 01/01/2023 15:22

Your local police force will have a website and you should be able to apply online.

The Freedom Programme is here www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

Did you grow up in an abusive household yourself?

FlissyPaps · 01/01/2023 16:01

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