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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Found something put about a man I'm really into... wwyd?

366 replies

007sky · 29/12/2022 18:52

We have been dating for a while and I don't think I've ever been this attracted to someone. He ticks every box however I've always thought there's something about him but could never put my finger on it.

I have recently found out that he has been abusive in previous relationships. This information has not come from just one source. Not sure if this is relevant but he Is a respected professional. Very conflicting I know.

What would your thoughts/feeling be about continuing to see him? He has never been abusive to me.

OP posts:
Maverickess · 01/01/2023 21:11

*earnings should read warnings

UnderTheBench · 01/01/2023 21:18

Rabbitsandhabits · 01/01/2023 20:57

@UnderTheBench I am so sorry you experienced that. And I’m so very glad you are free and healing. My very best wishes to you.

Thanks Rabbits. It's all good, it was a long time ago - it just gives me heartache to think of other women in danger of going through it all now.

ShakespearesBlister · 01/01/2023 21:21

007sky · 01/01/2023 18:07

I'm definitely not a troll.
I am taking on board all of your advice and I appreciate it. I may come across as a troll because I can't seem to recognise how serious this could be from what you say in your posts. One of the reasons being that I do not think he is being abusive by the hot cold behavior. I wouldn't have called that abuse. Maybe cold was the wrong word, more distant that cold.

Your description of genuine and non intense doesn’t really match what you’ve said about him blowing hot and cold and you as sensing skeletons in the closet

Yes he can be very confusing at times. He is not full on and he gives me my own space. I do like seeing him and if I do decide to give it a bit longer I will always have my own independence, he will have no control over me in that way and I will know when to pull away. I hope this makes sense. I suppose I'm trying to say what harm can there be if I'm on my guard and I enjoy seeing him.

With respect if you can't even tell when your instinct is screaming at you to run a mile then how on earth are you going to recognise when you need to pull back? I really don't think you're getting it but good luck. I'm out.

Blastmydogintospace · 01/01/2023 22:28

You do realise he will probably have many women who idolise him.

Look maybe you're not a niave woman, maybe you've had narcissistic qualities and dumped men previously and think you can handle him, I personally think you know who holds the power already.

Your comment about his attractiveness says it all, you are besotted and you are continuing to disregard the warnings.

You will learn the hard way.

FlissyPaps · 01/01/2023 22:30

@007sky May I ask again OP, why did you start this thread?

Original poster
007sky · 01/01/2023 22:53

@FlissyPaps I suppose it was for the encouragement to end it which I know I will have to do in the near future.

He is attractive, the sex is great and we have amazing chemistry. Right now he has not given me reason to end it and he does not know that I know about his past relationships.

I am also aware that there is a high chance things will not end well. Therefore I will not be hanging around for anything to escalate. First or next sign of abuse and I will be out.

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 01/01/2023 22:55

I had a feeling the sex would be great, somehow.

FlissyPaps · 01/01/2023 22:59

I am also aware that there is a high chance things will not end well

In the nicest way possible, get some respect for yourself and for the women he has previously abused.

Prolonging and entertaining this man will only hurt you more the longer you allow this to go on.

watchfulwishes · 01/01/2023 23:05

007sky · 01/01/2023 13:33

I will not be asking him about it.
He is not behaving in ways to try to make me fall for him or love bombing etc. It is very genuine and non intense. Very breezy, friendly and lots of attraction iyswim.

Confused How can you possibly know it is 'genuine' on his side??

This is just ridiculous, the whole thread is ridiculous.

Blastmydogintospace · 01/01/2023 23:20

First or next sign of abuse and I will be out.

NEXT

Does this mean there has already been abuse

Original poster
007sky · 01/01/2023 23:25

@FlissyPaps he is not hurting me.

@watchfulwishes genuine in the way of he actions are matching his words and he is not love bombing etc.

@Blastmydogintospace I only say next because other posters said him being hot and cold/distant is abusive although I don't think it was done in a abusive way therefore I disagree.

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 01/01/2023 23:26

So basically you will be waiting for him to hurt you and then you will go? Can you see anything wrong with that? Would you really stay in a relationship where you knew you would get hurt just for good sex?

longcoffeebreak · 01/01/2023 23:50

This sounds well dodgy to me OP your instincts have told you there is something wrong, someone has told you he is abusive.

Seems you are very struck with him and confident you will act if necessary but if he is abusive it WON'T BE THAT EASY. Have you ever heard of the frog in boiling water analogy?

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Boiling_frog

If this isn't the case then fine but just so you know ...

ArabellaScott · 02/01/2023 00:01

007sky · 01/01/2023 22:53

@FlissyPaps I suppose it was for the encouragement to end it which I know I will have to do in the near future.

He is attractive, the sex is great and we have amazing chemistry. Right now he has not given me reason to end it and he does not know that I know about his past relationships.

I am also aware that there is a high chance things will not end well. Therefore I will not be hanging around for anything to escalate. First or next sign of abuse and I will be out.

You're not really making sense here, OP.

Why do you know you'll have to end it?

If you're going into a relationship knowing the man is an abuser, and with expectations that abuse will likely happen, then please just bear this in mind:

Leaving an abusive relationship is often when they become most dangerous.

SilentNightDancer · 02/01/2023 09:24

I say next because other posters said him being hot and cold/distant is abusive although I don't think it was done in a abusive way therefore I disagree.

OP - Other posters have warned you that this is a classic sign of early abuse 'pre-abuse', if you will. You disagree.

What would you consider to be 'the first or next sign of abuse'?

Because I'm pretty sure it's not going to be anything as obvious as 'shouting' or 'hitting'. I think it will be something almost as subtle as the hot/cold thing - something else written off, explained away or 'not done in an abusive way'.

So, I ask again - what would you consider to be 'the first or next sign of abuse' that would send you to the door without a backward glance?

Herejustforthisone · 02/01/2023 09:25

007sky · 01/01/2023 23:25

@FlissyPaps he is not hurting me.

@watchfulwishes genuine in the way of he actions are matching his words and he is not love bombing etc.

@Blastmydogintospace I only say next because other posters said him being hot and cold/distant is abusive although I don't think it was done in a abusive way therefore I disagree.

You are so, so foolish. Christ.

viques · 02/01/2023 09:53

Maverickess · 01/01/2023 20:49

One of the reasons being that I do not think he is being abusive by the hot cold behavior. I wouldn't have called that abuse. Maybe cold was the wrong word, more distant that cold.

A lot of posters have explained this but I'll try again, think of this as 'pre' abuse, grooming, he's trying to get you to question your behaviour by changing his, so he becomes distant and you wonder why, you may ask or not, but either way you will end up questioning why he's become distant and what you have done to cause it - and he will then build on that mindset that your behaviour is what is causing his behaviour to change so you then start exhibiting the behaviour he wants from you to avoid the punishment of his distant or cold times and get more reward by way of his attention.
I'd bet that you've already been questioning what you said/did before he went distant - even if you have said nothing to him or anyone else - and that is the first fatal step.

You are not doing anything to 'make' him behave like this, but it will come that he will suggest, then tell, the insist that you are, and that you 'make' him like that.

And a few years on the punishment is a black eye or broken wrist and the reward is not being hurt for existing. And all the while it's your fault because you made him do it.

You have intuition that he's secretive, you have two independent people who have been in a relationship with him that have both said he was abusive - and I'd bet my last pound that if it were to come out that you know, they'd be crazy ex's who want him back......... Or he may be more sophisticated and say he doesn't know why they'd say it as it ended on good terms - and he's hurt by what they've said - making you feel bad for him and less favourable for the women and more likely to dismiss their earnings.

This exactly. It’s actually how you train dogs, or teach children who are exhibiting poor behaviour.

You consistently ignore the behaviour you don’t want.

You consistently reward the behaviour you do want.

So the child/dog learns that good behaviour gets rewarded by attention and approval.

But abusers then up the ante by switching and being inconsistent with which behaviour they want to see, so you are never sure if what you are doing is the right thing, or the wrong thing. “ I thought he said he loved seeing me in this dress, that I looked sexy and beautiful and made him proud, now he says it makes me look like a tart, and I am wearing it to attract other men because I don’t love him”. Starts off hot /cold training , ends up as abuse.

You will gradually see it emerge OP, clothes, food, social events, family friends……. You will be so desperate to do the right thing that you will do nothing because all that matters is his opinion, whatever it is today .

ArabellaScott · 02/01/2023 10:25

The trouble is that if one is hooked, its hard to see clearly.

Movinghouseatlast · 02/01/2023 11:04

I can almost guarantee you that he will move onto the silent treatment before too long. It will be your fault he won't speak to you. The next day he will be back to normal.like nothing happened. You will think it's a one off, you won't want to 'spoil' it by dissecting his behaviour with him.

A few months later it will.happen again. You will then start to tread on eggshells because it is you who causes this behaviour in him, its your responsibility to stop him giving you the silent treatment.

category12 · 02/01/2023 11:27

007sky · 01/01/2023 23:25

@FlissyPaps he is not hurting me.

@watchfulwishes genuine in the way of he actions are matching his words and he is not love bombing etc.

@Blastmydogintospace I only say next because other posters said him being hot and cold/distant is abusive although I don't think it was done in a abusive way therefore I disagree.

You say you'd leave at the first sign of abuse, but the hot & cold (or hot & distant, if you prefer) is a classic first sign.

The truth is you don't recognise, or don't want to recognise, the first signs of abuse. You're making excuses already.

Grimsknee · 02/01/2023 11:32

2 previous relationships in which he was abusive are clear signs he's abusive. You're really deluding yourself! I hope you keep reading here and some of it sinks in.

TheShellBeach · 02/01/2023 12:04

I hope you realise that the time you decide to leave him is when you'll be in most danger.

BucketofTeaMassiveCake · 02/01/2023 13:31

Abusive types are always nice to start with OP - how else do you think they reel in the next victim? Please stop kidding yourself that he'll be different with you. In a few months you'll wish you'd listened to this advice and will feel embarrassed that you didn't listen. Please don't let that happen.

Notaboutthebass · 02/01/2023 13:37

Move on OP. You've had all the warnings, so don't ignore them.

gemsandmilk · 02/01/2023 16:43

This could as well be my ex. He was extremely abusive. Is a really respected professional. Is in a new relationship. Also he has almost a repeating routine where he does seem too good to be true, very sensitive, wronged by everyone etc.

Is be rushing the relationship? Here’s a great test: what happens if you say no to something he wants to happen?

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