Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Found something put about a man I'm really into... wwyd?

366 replies

007sky · 29/12/2022 18:52

We have been dating for a while and I don't think I've ever been this attracted to someone. He ticks every box however I've always thought there's something about him but could never put my finger on it.

I have recently found out that he has been abusive in previous relationships. This information has not come from just one source. Not sure if this is relevant but he Is a respected professional. Very conflicting I know.

What would your thoughts/feeling be about continuing to see him? He has never been abusive to me.

OP posts:
007sky · 30/12/2022 21:57

Apologies as I think it sounded as though I haven't taken anything on board - I have. Thank you all. I am finding it hard to not see him again and I'm not sure why. Albeit if I do see him again I will take things very slowly and will not get into a position that I can not get out of. This is not me being naive and he hasn't been love bombing or anything of that sort.

OP posts:
FlissyPaps · 30/12/2022 22:07

I am finding it hard to not see him again and I'm not sure why.

Because men like this appear charming and charismatic in the beginning. They make you believe that they’re amazing and they’re the best thing that’s happened to you. You can’t believe your luck at how well this is going.

You feel all mushy inside like a teenager. You can’t believe they’ve chosen you!

Then they lovebomb you. They tell you how amazing you are, and how happy you make them.

They make you fall for their bullshit. Fast and hard. You really like him. You like the idea of him. You’re creating a fantasy in your head of an exciting and prefect future together.

That’s why you’re finding this hard OP. You don’t want it all to come crashing down. You don’t want to believe he can be evil. That this can all be taken away from you.

And that’s normal! Your feelings are valid. But you must act on your own gut feelings and make informed choices on the information you have heard. Which doesn’t look great, does it? Multiple sources all saying similar things.

You need to think rationally and logically with your head. Not your heart.

Albeit if I do see him again I will take things very slowly and will not get into a position that I can not get out of.

I urge you don’t see him again OP. Please. Save yourself the future heartbreak. The future problems. He will destroy your self esteem.

Use this as an opportunity to work on your self esteem and self worth.

FartWrangler · 30/12/2022 22:21

Oh OP. He's already sucked you in. Get out now, before he sucks you in any further. You're full of good intentions, but once you're well and truly enmeshed, it's very difficult to back out again, and it fucks with your mental health.

Thedoglovesmemore · 30/12/2022 22:29

OP I’m really interested to know what it was you had recognised yourself that gave you pause before you heard the abuse stuff from their parties. That might be the bit you most need to tune into and analyse here.

007sky · 30/12/2022 22:36

OP I’m really interested to know what it was you had recognised yourself that gave you pause before you heard the abuse stuff from their parties

I still do not know what it was but there has always been something there. I always had a kind of feeling that he had skeletons in the closet iyswim but I could never put my finger on it and I don't know what gave me that feeling. I can't even recall that it was from anything that he has said.

OP posts:
007sky · 30/12/2022 22:39

Just to add. He can be very distant at times and other times he can be very loving. I did find that rather strange too.

OP posts:
LaLuz7 · 30/12/2022 22:40

@007sky I think it would serve you well if you had a look at Dr Ramani on youtube. She's a mental health professionals who specialises in narcissism.

Just to be better prepared to recognise the signs early, should he be one, as most abusers are.

Also the book Why does he do that? By Lundy Bancroft is golden.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 30/12/2022 22:40

He's had at least two other women (probably far, far more than that) to practice his manipulation and techniques upon before he got to working on you and your boundaries. This isn't some daft 19 year old who hasn't worked out what's acceptable yet, it's a fully grown man who is well experienced in abuse and covering his intentions - but you still sensed something was wrong.

He's dangerous. Stay away.

ArabellaScott · 30/12/2022 22:41

Yes, a coercive/abusive relationship is like an addiction. 100%. Wild, romantic, exciting, amazing, unbelievable.

Then jealous, intense, passionate, stormy.

Then isolating, destabilising, confusing.

Very high highs, very low lows. Eventually, it's all lows, and they get lower.

ArabellaScott · 30/12/2022 22:43

archive.org/details/giftoffearsurviv00debe_0

Gift of Fear, Gavin de Becker

archive.org/details/whydoeshedothati00banc_0

Why Does He Do that, Lundy Bancroft

SheldonsShoulder · 30/12/2022 22:44

He’s never been abusive to you……yet. Have you been in an abusive relationship before?

You’ve said there’s something you can’t put your finger on. There will be red flags you’re ignoring, and possibly don’t want to admit on here because you know everyone will tell you to dump him.

You sensed something wasn’t right and kept dating him. Two separate sources have confirmed he’s been abusive during two previous relationships and you’re still dating him. It doesn’t bode well.

Penguinsmum · 30/12/2022 22:49

Omg. raise your standards!

Takenoprisoner · 30/12/2022 22:52

007sky · 30/12/2022 22:39

Just to add. He can be very distant at times and other times he can be very loving. I did find that rather strange too.

He's already abusing you. The blowing hot/cold is part of the nasty/nice cycle. It's abuse.

category12 · 30/12/2022 23:05

007sky · 30/12/2022 22:39

Just to add. He can be very distant at times and other times he can be very loving. I did find that rather strange too.

Hot & cold treatment, as pp has said.

It's intermittent reinforcement and it is very addictive psychologically. You don't know why sometimes he's warm and sometimes he isn't, and you spend your time and mental energy trying to get the warmth back.

I'm afraid you ARE being very naive by saying that you'll continue to see him cautiously. No good can come of it. That you're finding it hard to stop seeing him despite your own misgivings and the warnings is because he's started the headwork on you.

Just break it off and stop all contact.

Pipsquiggle · 30/12/2022 23:05

Butterfly44 · 30/12/2022 21:38

I would

  1. find out what happened
  2. look him up citing Clare's law
  3. imagine this was your sister/best friend/daughter who told you this. What would your advice be!
  4. no one knowingly goes into a relationship with an abuser. They get reeled in then it comes to light.
  5. leave. No ...run. How could you be in a relationship knowing how he treated that person (s).

Thanks for coming back OP.

I think the above is really sage advice.

Imagine if your best mate /sister was completely infatuated with a new man, she really likes him but she said that something didn't feel quite right.

Then you hear from 2 separate sources he has been abusive.

What would you be telling your best mate?

Please take this information as a gift. Don't stick around 'to see how it goes' - it will end badly. It always does

ArabellaScott · 30/12/2022 23:05

Takenoprisoner · 30/12/2022 22:52

He's already abusing you. The blowing hot/cold is part of the nasty/nice cycle. It's abuse.

This. It keeps you on your toes, never sure if he's going to be 'on' or 'off'.

determinedtomakethiswork · 30/12/2022 23:10

You are persuading yourself into a situation when you see him again and again and again, even though you know he could be dangerous.

Can you think about why you would do this to yourself?

Were you brought up to think you were not worth anything and to be flattered by any attention?

JustKittenAround · 30/12/2022 23:13

You need to get your head right because it’s already happening. Distant than loving and so on and so forth is textbook. Shows that you’ll put up with him being “distant” so that you can get those little kibbles of romance when he isn’t. This is literally the bones of a toxic relationship and you’re being trained as we speak.

it’ll ramp up. More days of distance, less days of romance. You there, wagging your tail for the increasingly diminishing supply of romance kibbles.

you’ll start to question why? Well OP maybe if you didn’t do this! Or that! Or if you did this better? Like my past abuser maybe he will tell you that “you just don’t get it”…implying your stupid for wanting answers.

I was too stupid. I’ve wised up like many women here. I too, felt that unease at the start but didn’t get the gift of warning like you. Who knows if I would have listened to it anyway?

I regret not trusting myself and not listening to what was inside of me. No I wasn’t hit but I was severely emotionally abused (for me anyway, impacted my life) and yes we are professionals (they are dangerous abusers because they have more social skill and intelligence to mimic behaviors that are socially suitable).

You aren’t going to listen but I hope someone reading this does. OP is ALREADY being abused and still thinks she can spot it when it happens. Obviously not! If you are reading this listen to your insides and be able to walk away when things aren’t right. You’re worth more than hanging round someone who gives you a bad feeling, on to the next!

BIG word of advice. If someone is love bombing you and you decide to go, put planning into it. This is when they have their mask on, and they don’t like it when you figure them out so early.

OP’s man’s mask is already slipping. Anyone can see that. Best of luck and we are here for you OP.

ArabellaScott · 30/12/2022 23:28

I have wished, many, many times that someone would have warned me. But yes, whether I would have been able or willing to heed that at the time, I don't know.

OP, we are all here for you if you need to keep talking this through.

Herejustforthisone · 30/12/2022 23:36

Don’t be a fool.

It has already begun.

BadShepherd · 31/12/2022 06:53

He’s blowing hot and cold with you and you never know what mood you’ll find him in.

You: What’s wrong? You seem so distant. Did I do something wrong?

Him: dramatic sigh I miss you so much when you’re not here I don’t know how to handle it. Why don’t you move in with me? I can’t bear being without you.

You (in 2029): WTF just happened there?

Rabbitsandhabits · 31/12/2022 07:15

007sky · 30/12/2022 22:39

Just to add. He can be very distant at times and other times he can be very loving. I did find that rather strange too.

Please do some reading about abusive men- it can be very subtle and usually starts in such a way then slowly ramps up as you get more entrenched.

your survival instincts sound like they have been trying very hard to save you here.

Fightingitoff · 31/12/2022 07:53

007sky · 30/12/2022 22:39

Just to add. He can be very distant at times and other times he can be very loving. I did find that rather strange too.

You are already being abused.

This is a classic example of what abusers do. He’s always keeping you wondering, what sort of mood will he be in today? And if he’s being distant today, what do I have to do to get him to come back?

It’s rare for abuse to start with sudden physical violence out of nowhere. It starts with emotional abuse first. It starts small and ramps up so gradually that you don’t even realise it’s happening. And you’re fighting against your gut instinct when you already sensed that something was wrong.

You’re already in an emotionally abusive relationship, and as someone mentioned earlier, it’s like an addiction. Please end this now before it gets any worse. Two people have already independently warned you about him.

Lachimolala · 31/12/2022 09:09

@Soothsayer1 @ArabellaScott Thank you to you both for your kind words. I lost everything when I finally left him but I’m doing a lot better these days, it’s been two years I’m still in weekly therapy which is keeping me sane, it’s been a uphill struggle just to put one foot in front of the other at times, but we’re free and I’m alive.

Lavenderfowl · 31/12/2022 10:03

Dear @007sky we’re all trying to find the one thing to say that’ll get you walking away from him; but we also all know how difficult it is to hear and take on board because we’ve all been where you are- most of us without the benefit of a warning. I now realise that my XH himself told me who he really was several times in the early days, but because it didn’t fit with who he presented as, I didn’t understand it. It’s taken me years of legal arguments, risking losing my DC (who I don’t want anywhere near him but can’t prevent it) and my home in the process. Even now he seems so nice, so helpful…but now I know it’s just a facade, and even then I have to remind myself of that regularly, so as not to get sucked back in. I’ve wasted years and my MH has taken a real beating (same for my DC) so please don’t make the same mistake if you can possibly avoid it; he isn’t the nice guy you want him to be.