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Original poster

Dcs dad wants to "camp" on my drive for 3 weeks in Jan 🤯

295 replies

Haveagentlechristmas · 28/12/2022 14:23

The ex has just decided to hit the early retirement button (he's 57). I do suspect one of the motivations is to stop paying child support (which he was only paying a fraction of anyway).

5 years ago I moved 70 miles away so I could start a new life away from him and his weird ways, just me and the kids. We have our own routine going.

It's been hard but worth it. Though I don't have much help in the new place (relevant).

Ex has unilaterally decided that he plans to "camp in his campervan" in January to "help" with the children and to see more of them. I'm not up for this. Though I would like more help, I will find this irritating I think. I'm not sure the neighbours will want him there peeing in the bushes in the morning!

I would like to have some kind of shared care agreement, but not this!

What the fuck can I tell him!

OP posts:
SheilaFentiman · 09/01/2023 08:32

Intrepid, you are rude… “trouble seeing things” indeed.

User was not saying she didn’t see those points, just that many people simply wouldn’t call the police on their ex in these circumstances.

MissTakenForAnother · 09/01/2023 08:34

And no doubt it will go on for longer than three weeks!

Intrepidescape · 09/01/2023 08:36

@SheilaFentiman

Damn right I called the police. Cars were mounting the pavement and going over our lawn.

Police responded in 2 minutes. That’s not an exaggeration. By the time I came downstairs there was a cop car down the road. He couldn’t get closer to the house because the entire street was blocked off.

You might consider something like that to be minor until a child gets run over or property gets damaged or someone gets assaulted.

Noone knocked on the neighbours door as we don’t do that here - not to these neighbours. A couple of my neighbours put nasty notes on the car but not one person knocked.

The cop appeared pissed at the driver and made them come out of the house and not just move the car but told them what was happening in the street as a consequence of what they had done.

User359472111111 · 09/01/2023 08:39

Gosh, @Intrepidescape, I’m not going to ask if you meant to be so rude, because clearly you did.

I don’t engage with rudeness.

Intrepidescape · 09/01/2023 08:49

SheilaFentiman · 09/01/2023 08:32

Intrepid, you are rude… “trouble seeing things” indeed.

User was not saying she didn’t see those points, just that many people simply wouldn’t call the police on their ex in these circumstances.

@SheilaFentiman - you said you were surprised that the police would come in those circumstances. I’m not being rude; I’m being assertive.

Why wouldn’t you call the police when someone is inviting themselves to live with you and you’ve already told them know and they come in anyway and cause drama?

What would you suggest the OP do? Give him a cuppa and money for a hotel?

Theheartmustpausetobreathe · 09/01/2023 08:54

OP is in an incredibly difficult situation .She may not be responding the way many think she should but honestly what's the point of criticising and berating her ?
The guy doesn't listen to her ,she said don't come and he did .He knows that it's very unlikely that the police can help unless it can be demonstrated that he's being abusive
PCSC Act 2022 introduced this as a new offence.

This means that it will now be a criminal offence (rather than a civil matter) for a person aged 18 or over to reside on land without the consent of the owner if they have, or intend to have, a vehicle with them, and refuse to leave and remove their property when asked. They also need to be causing, or deemed likely to cause, significant damage (including excessive noise, smells, litter or other damage to the environment), disruption (including interference with a ‘supply of water, energy or fuel’) or distress (including using words or displaying any writing that is ‘threatening, abusive or insulting’). If police believe this is happening, they may seize any ‘relevant’ property belonging to, or in the possession or control of the alleged defendant, including vehicles or any property on the land, which they may keep for up to 3 months or until the end of any criminal proceedings that result from the matter.

SheilaFentiman · 09/01/2023 08:54

Not about the police. You were rude to User, asking if she had trouble seeing things

BunchHarman · 09/01/2023 09:09

So despite you saying no, he’s not only turned up anyway and tried to stay inside your house, he’s now ‘compromising’ by camping in his van on your drive? As per the original ludicrous idea you’d said no to?

Don't accept that outcome because it’s the lesser of two evils, you’ve already said no to it @Haveagentlechristmas.

KettrickenSmiled · 09/01/2023 09:15

Theheartmustpausetobreathe · 09/01/2023 08:54

OP is in an incredibly difficult situation .She may not be responding the way many think she should but honestly what's the point of criticising and berating her ?
The guy doesn't listen to her ,she said don't come and he did .He knows that it's very unlikely that the police can help unless it can be demonstrated that he's being abusive
PCSC Act 2022 introduced this as a new offence.

This means that it will now be a criminal offence (rather than a civil matter) for a person aged 18 or over to reside on land without the consent of the owner if they have, or intend to have, a vehicle with them, and refuse to leave and remove their property when asked. They also need to be causing, or deemed likely to cause, significant damage (including excessive noise, smells, litter or other damage to the environment), disruption (including interference with a ‘supply of water, energy or fuel’) or distress (including using words or displaying any writing that is ‘threatening, abusive or insulting’). If police believe this is happening, they may seize any ‘relevant’ property belonging to, or in the possession or control of the alleged defendant, including vehicles or any property on the land, which they may keep for up to 3 months or until the end of any criminal proceedings that result from the matter.

The section you have quoted applies to land.
The police would certainly come out if OP rang them for help because her ex refused to leave her house. He wouldn't have had to be abusive for her to request the police move him on - he doesn't live there, he has no rights, & refusing to leave is threatening behaviour.

Moot points though, as OP won't even say "no" to her ex, let alone back herself up with readily available recourse to law.

Theheartmustpausetobreathe · 09/01/2023 09:26

Yes I know it's about land .He's not refusing to leave the house ,he's saying he'll stay in the van .
So he flounced upstairs and told my DC he was going. The sudden nature of it made my DC cry. That's what I was afraid of tbh. He's a manipulative bastard. Now he's backed down again and says he will stay on the drive.

AnotherNameChangeYes · 09/01/2023 09:50

Well what is your way of doing things other than letting him do whatever he wants.

KettrickenSmiled · 09/01/2023 09:57

Theheartmustpausetobreathe · 09/01/2023 09:26

Yes I know it's about land .He's not refusing to leave the house ,he's saying he'll stay in the van .
So he flounced upstairs and told my DC he was going. The sudden nature of it made my DC cry. That's what I was afraid of tbh. He's a manipulative bastard. Now he's backed down again and says he will stay on the drive.

He'll be back in her house this morning, mark my words. "For the kids", of course Hmm

ImBlueDab · 09/01/2023 09:58

Sorry OP I'd not let him in the house.

He wants to take the dc to clubs or school, hand over on the door step.

He wants to help out, ask him to babysit on Friday night, the kids can sleep in the van with him - they'll love it

He wants a shower, send him to the swimming pool

He wants to sit in your house and watch tv - just tell him no

Switch off your WiFi

If the dc ask why you won't let Daddy in the house, tell them that Daddy is having an adventure and living in his van so he doesn't need to come in the house. Tell them they are more than welcome to go and visit him in there - he'll soon get pissed off with no tv and the kids under his feet

Alaldlccmemsjzja · 09/01/2023 10:04

He’s way too comfortable in your house and property tbh

him watching tv and flouncing upstairs to declare his departure to his kids?
who is he to wander around your house?

stop letting him in
and I’m glad he isn’t squatting on your driveway. He’d never leave!

euff · 09/01/2023 10:24

He's got very thick skin. Has he indicated whether he is still going to leave in a few weeks or what his longer term plans are? If he wants to be involved with the kids more and is retired he could sell up and move closer and have them at his. I know you moved to get away from him but that might be better than him just deciding how he uses your home and making you out to be the bad guy with your kids. Sorry he's such a dick. Do you have any friends or family who could be popping over a little more while he is around to make it less comfortable for him to try and insert himself in your home?

Bettyfromlondon · 09/01/2023 10:28

How fucking dare he!
You were wrong-footed yesterday and tried to keep the peace but today is a new day.
Pull up those big girl's knickers and ROAR!!!!
Ex means Ex.
Please speak to the police today and ask them to send him away with a flea in his ear. Random people are not allowed to just decide to live on your drive.
Your children need to be told very clearly too!

KettrickenSmiled · 09/01/2023 10:36

Alaldlccmemsjzja · 09/01/2023 10:04

He’s way too comfortable in your house and property tbh

him watching tv and flouncing upstairs to declare his departure to his kids?
who is he to wander around your house?

stop letting him in
and I’m glad he isn’t squatting on your driveway. He’d never leave!

But he is squatting on her driveway.

After he told her this is what he wanted to do "for 3 weeks" & she said NO - he rocked up anyway. Op then let him into the house, he got pissed off when she wanted to switch off his Netflix programme, & flounced upstairs - in HER house! - to upset the kids.

He's now offering the drive-squatting as an alternative to his previous insistence he stay up watching her tv while she went to bed. OP has accepted that as she seems to believe it's a concession he's graciously offering HER.

This man obviously has form & expertise eroding her boundaries. His next trick will be something like "I'm thinking of staying 6 months" so she agrees to 3.

Theheartmustpausetobreathe · 09/01/2023 10:37

@KettrickenSmiled He'll be back in her house this morning, mark my words. "For the kids", of course Hmm
I'm sure you're right .But my point is that it's not as easy (even if the OP were willing/felt strong enough to do so ) as calling the police .Which a lot of posters seem to think .
If he's not being violent or overtly abusive what can the police do ? Someone has let their ex into the house ,he's left when she's insisted and he's staying in a van on private property seemingly not causing any trouble .
The OP needs help and advice - and has had some useful phrases suggested -to be more assertive .Although I'd wager all the assertiveness in the world will be like water of her ex's back.

Theheartmustpausetobreathe · 09/01/2023 10:39

Sorry OP I'd not let him in the house.

He wants to take the dc to clubs or school, hand over on the door step.

He wants to help out, ask him to babysit on Friday night, the kids can sleep in the van with him - they'll love it

He wants a shower, send him to the swimming pool

He wants to sit in your house and watch tv - just tell him no

Switch off your WiFi

If the dc ask why you won't let Daddy in the house, tell them that Daddy is having an adventure and living in his van so he doesn't need to come in the house. Tell them they are more than welcome to go and visit him in there - he'll soon get pissed off with no tv and the kids under his feet

I think this ^ is a plan that might work .

BunchHarman · 09/01/2023 11:01

KettrickenSmiled · 09/01/2023 10:36

But he is squatting on her driveway.

After he told her this is what he wanted to do "for 3 weeks" & she said NO - he rocked up anyway. Op then let him into the house, he got pissed off when she wanted to switch off his Netflix programme, & flounced upstairs - in HER house! - to upset the kids.

He's now offering the drive-squatting as an alternative to his previous insistence he stay up watching her tv while she went to bed. OP has accepted that as she seems to believe it's a concession he's graciously offering HER.

This man obviously has form & expertise eroding her boundaries. His next trick will be something like "I'm thinking of staying 6 months" so she agrees to 3.

Show quote history

This is exactly what will happen. It’s already begun. I can’t believe anyone would accept this.

itsthefinalcountdown1 · 09/01/2023 11:12

Threads like this just reinforce for me, how important it is that I teach my daughter about boundaries with examples I set for her.

LunaTheCat · 09/01/2023 11:19

Haveagentlechristmas · 28/12/2022 14:59

“You’ve paid fuck-all towards your children, you’ve now decided you’re retired and want to camp for free on my property? No. You’re a strange, tedious, freeloading cheap skate. Fuck off.”

😂 That about sums it up.

😂😂
This…

octoberfarm · 09/01/2023 11:44

I think if it were me (and I know this is really hard), I would be taking a stand today and saying no to any further showers/tv usage/bathroom access. Tell him that it's so lovely he's here to be more involved for the next few weeks but that he needs to do it from a local site where he can park up legally, and not in your driveway. If any of the "mean Mum" nonsense starts up, you can explain to the kids that you're really happy Dad's here to spend more time with him but unfortunately it's against the local rules for him to camp in any driveway, and anyway it would be much nicer for him to have a proper camping set up at a local site and they might even be able to go there too and explore with him.

I'd try really hard then to not enter any further discussion, just ultra polite but firm ushering him out the door and then privately letting him know that if he doesn't take you seriously, you will involve the police to have him removed which as you're sure he'd understand would be very upsetting for the kids and not in anyone's best interests. Having him around to help more is fabulous, but he absolutely does not get to do it from your driveway. You broke up - he no longer gets to decide anything unilaterally about you or your property. Sorry you're dealing with this, OP Flowers

JoyPeaceHealth · 09/01/2023 12:09

If he had consistently paid maintenance that was genuinely fair given his income I'd still want to say no but might feel conflicted but as he has not paid consistently fair maintenance it should feel easier. He owes you! Not the other way around

kingtamponthefurred · 09/01/2023 12:14

Bollards. That is a suggestion, not a comment.

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