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Original poster

Dcs dad wants to "camp" on my drive for 3 weeks in Jan 🤯

295 replies

Haveagentlechristmas · 28/12/2022 14:23

The ex has just decided to hit the early retirement button (he's 57). I do suspect one of the motivations is to stop paying child support (which he was only paying a fraction of anyway).

5 years ago I moved 70 miles away so I could start a new life away from him and his weird ways, just me and the kids. We have our own routine going.

It's been hard but worth it. Though I don't have much help in the new place (relevant).

Ex has unilaterally decided that he plans to "camp in his campervan" in January to "help" with the children and to see more of them. I'm not up for this. Though I would like more help, I will find this irritating I think. I'm not sure the neighbours will want him there peeing in the bushes in the morning!

I would like to have some kind of shared care agreement, but not this!

What the fuck can I tell him!

OP posts:
picklemewalnuts · 09/01/2023 16:22

Haveagentlechristmas · 09/01/2023 16:13

OP is there a risk he's going to try and take them full time, as he isn't working now? Could he try and claim maintenance from you? Do you have a record of his previous unreasonable behaviour? If not, it's time to start.

Yes there is a risk. However their life has been here for the last 5 years and when I got legal advice when leaving I was told courts favour the status quo, especially if they are in a good school, which they are.

Excellent. Well done. Don't let him do anything that undermines that!

I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this, it's outrageous and the man has no decency and no boundaries.

Another idea to make him uncomfortable, invite kid's friends over for play dates, ideally with a parent for part of the time. Make him see you aren't sitting around waiting for him.
When he moves the van (shopping trip?) get another car in the space so he can't stop there.

Can you ask any neighbour to assist with that?

You've done so well to reestablish yourself. Don't give him even an inch, you know what he'll try for.

BloodyHellHarry · 09/01/2023 16:25

Those of you advocating I call the police I do not believe that would be in the best interests of my children. However that does not mean I am being a "wet lettuce" as a pp 'kindly' put it. I am trying other routes and avenues. I have got rid of him once and will get rid of him again.
What other routes and avenues are you trying OP? You didn't get rid of him before - you left and moved away. He got the family home! If you had got rid of him you could have stayed in the family home. Please stand up to him and establish some boundaries - he's walking all over you.

SheilaFentiman · 09/01/2023 16:27

Haveagentlechristmas · 09/01/2023 16:09

Find your backbone and tell him to sort his life out.

For those telling me to get a backbone, have you ever had to move 70 miles away from the entire life you built up and house, job and friends you loved to get away from a toxic relationship? I defy you to tell me I have no backbone unless you have.

BTW, thanks to the other masses of comments which are helpful. Sorry I can't reply to everything as I'm working long hrs today (front door at home locked).

Well done on locking the door!

SheilaFentiman · 09/01/2023 16:29

KettrickenSmiled · 09/01/2023 16:09

Also, if I let a friend park their camper on my drive for a week, and then they don’t move it, they don’t gain rights to leave it there cos it’s been there for a bit already. Why do you think this is different?

It's totally different. Unlike your friend, this man has a history of manipulating & abusing the OP. This camper on the drive is the thin end of a wedge. He hasn't even bothered paying proper child support or keeping in regular contact with his DC until now - he has an agenda.

Sigh.

of course different if it is a friend, HOWEVER, I was disputing the suggestion that OP would lose rights if she didn’t summon the police at once.

purplecorkheart · 09/01/2023 16:40

I would get in touch with the council and find out the restrictions regarding someone living on your driveway without your consent. Following that I would put a letter on the windscreen advising him to remove his van immediately quoting the bylaws of the Council ideally. Take a photo and send that along with the copy of the letter to the Council, it at least shows the council that you are working with them in case they try to fine you etc.

Might be worth investing in a Ring Doorbell

RavenclawsPrincess · 09/01/2023 16:50

Locking the door is a start. Keep it locked, and absolutely do not let him in to use facilities or anything else. He wants the van life, he can have it! I would wager he hates the fact that you have moved away out of his control and this is a way to try and get some back, and wheedle his way back into your life. Stay strong. No is a complete sentence.

sunglassesonthetable · 09/01/2023 16:53

What other routes and avenues are you trying OP? You didn't get rid of him before - you left and moved away. He got the family home! If you had got rid of him you could have stayed in the family home.

Are you for real? You have no idea.

Do you know if she even wanted the family home.

God alive.

picklemewalnuts · 09/01/2023 16:56

Oh and find a way to laugh at it! That helps so much with the stress.

Call his RV his scooby bus, or Herbie, or shed on wheels.

Describe him as having a 'gentleman of the road phase', or call him a crusty (who was the famous eco chap that lived in trees as a protest?).
I'm not very up on popular culture, but you get my drift.

Maybe infer he can't afford to live in his house, or that his neighbours of kicked him out...
anything that rams home he isn't choosing to be here as a loving, generous act. Puncture his bubble, where he's the nice Disney dad that dotes in the DC.

SheilaFentiman · 09/01/2023 16:56

Exactly!

assuming they jointly owned the prior house (big assumption), how could she have “got rid of him”? She wouldn’t have had the right to evict him.

SheilaFentiman · 09/01/2023 16:57

Pickle, that was Swampy!

Frankensteinisamonster · 09/01/2023 17:03

Can you explain how this happened, how he thinks he’s welcome in your home and demonstrably is, as he’s sitting watching telly and thinking he will fix stuff.

there seems to be a communication issue?

SheilaFentiman · 09/01/2023 17:08

Frankensteinisamonster · 09/01/2023 17:03

Can you explain how this happened, how he thinks he’s welcome in your home and demonstrably is, as he’s sitting watching telly and thinking he will fix stuff.

there seems to be a communication issue?

He knows full well he isn’t welcome. He’s banking on OP not wanting to upset the kids, and part of him believes he has rights over the home that she lives in, because he is a prick

AgentJohnson · 09/01/2023 17:10

No is a complete sentence, don’t get sucked in an explanation or justification for your decision.

SheilaFentiman · 09/01/2023 17:10

Clearly some posters haven’t been in relationships with boundary pushers, or have friends who have been!

sunglassesonthetable · 09/01/2023 17:19

Yep. They've never heard of coercion.

Theheartmustpausetobreathe · 09/01/2023 17:34

Just to flag up OP did say "no ,you can't come and live on my drive" .He agreed ,and then did it anyway .

Pixiedust1234 · 09/01/2023 17:35

It all sounds awful. Are you able to assert just one boundary do you think? He's not allowed in the house at all. No showers, no TV, no WiFi. Any food gets eaten in his van, any child visits are done there too.

If the children ask why daddy can't come in then make up something waffle-y, like "sometimes adults need to do things which seem weird to others" or "there are reasons but I cant explain until you are an adult" or "its grown up stuff, dont worry about it, we both love you though" .

I'm really hoping you are able to do this. Use your body to block the opening and never open it fully.

sunglassesonthetable · 09/01/2023 17:36

*Can you explain how this happened, how he thinks he’s welcome in your home and demonstrably is, as he’s sitting watching telly and thinking he will fix stuff.

there seems to be a communication issue?*

There's clearly a bit more than that.

Daleksatemyshed · 09/01/2023 18:42

Some of these posts are being very hard on you Op, which is uncalled for, but you've done so well for years and the thought of that all crashing and burning is too hard! He's a CF who thinks any house his DC live in must still be open to him, it's not even crossed his mind that he's unwelcome, or if it has, he doesn't care, he'll get his feet back under the table in no time because he'll blackmail you with the DC until it happens. Let's face it, he has no shame.
It's time to get him moved on by any means possible and no, he can't come in the house, the DC will come outside to him, No, he can't watch the TV, have a shower, No, he's not getting to have dinner with his DC unless he take them out.
You need to actively offend him anyway possible until he gets the hump and leaves. If you don't you're going to really regret this a few weeks down the line when he's manipulated the DC into pleading for Daddy to stay. Woman up Op, this is war!

Dullardmullard · 09/01/2023 18:44

Who has the kids seeing as the door is locked with him or childminder?

if him keep the door locked and he can entertain in his bloody van kids well younger one will love it not so much the older one I wouldn’t of thought.

id be inclined to report him to the council and I think your neighbours might too.

Every time he wants in a firm no, if he guilts the kids turn it on him dads on his adventure with his van go have fun in the van see you laters. Lock the door if kids come back do not let him in and state this isn’t what was agreed. You’d help yes but not in my home.

learn to grey rock the fukker. If he gets shitty or aggressive you know to call the cops immediately.

your also allowed to close the door in his face too as he has no claim to this house at all.

Oldnproud · 09/01/2023 19:05

Presumably, he has a chemical toilet in the van. Unless he is being given 24/7 access to the indoor toilet, that chemical toilet will need regular emptying. Where is he doing this?

The van will be freezing cold at night. Has he run a cable from house to van to run electric heating?

How is he keeping his battery charged up?

Where is he getting water from to wash etc.?

OP, if he is using your property / services for any of these services, you are paying for it. It isnt acceptable. Don't let him.

In the long run, you are not doing your DC any favours by letting them see him treating you, your home and your authority with such contempt.

picklemewalnuts · 09/01/2023 19:06

SheilaFentiman · 09/01/2023 16:57

Pickle, that was Swampy!

That's it! Call him Swampy!

And tell the neighbours that you absolutely didn't invite him and you don't mind at all if they report him to the council! They may not do so mistakenly thinking it would upset you.

ImustLearn2Cook · 10/01/2023 01:37

@Haveagentlechristmas 💐You are doing a great job. I hope it works out for you and he leaves soon. Good luck.

NumberTheory · 10/01/2023 05:01

OP I hope you’re surviving okay and have managed to take the advice to deny him access to electricity and water. I would also suggest changing the wifi password and not giving it to him again (upthread you said you’d turned off the wifi in an attempt to get him to leave so assume he has the password).

You need to remind him (and maybe yourself, and perhaps tell the kids in a more limited way) that you can’t play happy families with him because he makes you very unhappy. Tell him that it’s too late for him to pretend he’s any good at this.

Tell him if he is determined to be more involved in the kids life then he needs to find a way to do that without relying on your good will - because you aren’t prepared to fund him by providing him with space for his van or anything else, especially since he’s refused to fund his kids properly for years so he’s got no leg to stand on in expecting anything from you.

Remind him that he’s turned up for three weeks without any agreement to do whatever he chooses with them and it’s no help to you. Point out that he’s only been there a couple of days and he has already been a shit to them, has already upset them by threatening to leave in a hissy fit because you wouldn’t let him freeload off you while you went to bed.

The kids might well get upset if he storms off, but they are going to get upset if you help him pretend he’s a good and loving dad. Because he is going to let them down again and the more attached to him they are, the more they believe the story he’s trying to weave by manipulating you into supporting his fiction for him at your expense, the more confused and hurt they are going to be when that happens.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 10/01/2023 06:18

Another option - charge him rent.

There are websites where you can rent out driveways or parking spaces. Ok, it’s probably more popular if you live close to an airport, train station or city center. But put your driveway up and tell him he needs to book it properly through the website and pay rent. If he doesn’t, he is costing you money and depriving your kids of….something they really want that costs money - a holiday, bike, toy, clothes, whatever.

I bet that if he has to pay, he will move on.