Page 10 | Dcs dad wants to "camp" on my drive for 3 weeks in Jan 🤯

Haveagentlechristmas · 2022-12-28T14:23:02+00:00

The ex has just decided to hit the early retirement button (he's 57). I do suspect one of the motivations is to stop paying child support (which he was only paying a fraction of anyway). 5 years ago I moved 70 miles away so I could start a new life away from him and his weird ways, just me and the kids. We have our own routine going. It's been hard but worth it. Though I don't have much help in the new place (relevant). Ex has unilaterally decided that he plans to "camp in his campervan" in January to "help" with the children and to see more of them. I'm not up for this. Though I would like more help, I will find this irritating I think. I'm not sure the neighbours will want him there peeing in the bushes in the morning! I would like to have some kind of shared care agreement, but not this! What the fuck can I tell him!

Maytodecember · 09/01/2023 14:56

Has he rented his house out, therefore freeloading at your house instead of a campsite? If he’s in a carpark he’d need to have his heating in gas overnight ( not cheap, gas bottle prices have shot up) and be limited on lights without electric hook up.
If you don’t want to call the police call the council, there are usually bylaws about camping in car parks because of the risk of fire ( if a camper van or caravan catches fire the whole lot usually burns out). You don’t have to give your name, just a concerned neighbour.

whattodo1975 · 09/01/2023 15:02

Haveagentlechristmas · 09/01/2023 14:47

How old are the kids (and also you) ? If he is 57, are they teenagers ? Presumably they would then understand if you explained why you didnt want him there.

11 and 7 years old. I'm 46.

From what you've said about him, he sounds like a right wanker. How come you got with him in first place ? was it the older guy thing ?

AcrossthePond55 · 09/01/2023 15:09

Maytodecember · 09/01/2023 14:56

Has he rented his house out, therefore freeloading at your house instead of a campsite? If he’s in a carpark he’d need to have his heating in gas overnight ( not cheap, gas bottle prices have shot up) and be limited on lights without electric hook up.
If you don’t want to call the police call the council, there are usually bylaws about camping in car parks because of the risk of fire ( if a camper van or caravan catches fire the whole lot usually burns out). You don’t have to give your name, just a concerned neighbour.

..camping in car parks because of the risk of fire ( if a camper van or caravan catches fire the whole lot usually burns out

This is true. There was recently a case here (US) involving a parked camper van in a Walmart lot that caught fire and resulted in the death of one child and severe injuries to her sibling who were napping in a nearby vehicle.

Trigger warning: I'm linking a story for 'provenance', but it is has very distressing details.

www.businessinsider.com/walmart-lawsuit-child-killed-fire-parking-lot-camping-2022-8

SheilaFentiman · 09/01/2023 15:13

whattodo1975 · 09/01/2023 15:02

From what you've said about him, he sounds like a right wanker. How come you got with him in first place ? was it the older guy thing ?

Show quote history

Relevance?!?

PeaceLillyWhiteFlower · 09/01/2023 15:13

Sorry OP but this is comedy gold. Do keep notes so you can sell the rights to the BBC.

More seriously, he wants to see his kids properly but sleeping rough in your residents car park not the way forward. Tell him to rent a place in your town.

sunglassesonthetable · 09/01/2023 15:15

OP it feels like he's used to getting his way around you. For whatever reason you seem to find putting your foot down difficult.

I would start by deciding one thing and pushing back on that. Suggesting he doesn't come into the house. Do all your talking on the door step. Seems like he's used to waltzing right in.

"sorry it's not a good time"
You don't need a reason.

Call the kids down to him if he want to see them. They can all go out to the camper van if they want to hang out. ( tbh the kids will probably love that ) and he can bring them back to the house for tea.

No he does not come in. No he does not go up to their rooms. Remember he's In your house.

Start with that one thing. Enforce it like you mean business.

It doesn't resolve the situation but it's a start. And a very good boundary.

Cigarettesaftersex1 · 09/01/2023 15:18

whattodo1975 · 09/01/2023 15:02

From what you've said about him, he sounds like a right wanker. How come you got with him in first place ? was it the older guy thing ?

Show quote history

He's not the only one that sounds like a wanker

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 09/01/2023 15:18

I have got rid of him once and will get rid of him again.

And then you let him straight back in again! No wonder people are finding your posts confusing. Not to mention that your kids must be wondering what the hell is going on.

Find your backbone and tell him to sort his life out.

dontleaveitthere · 09/01/2023 15:20

He's not the only one that sounds like a wanker

(Chefs kiss) Utter perfection.

purplecorkheart · 09/01/2023 15:21

I suspect that he has rented his house out and fully expects that in three weeks time he will be comfortably settled into your house and then he will claim to have someone who wants to rent the house for a few weeks and then it will go on and on.

First thing make sure he does not get access to a house key. If you have spares in your house hide them and make sure the kids do not know where.

He does not come into the house for anything. If he wants to see the kids they go to him. If they want to show him something in the house send a photo. No meals, no showers, no tvs, etc.

If you could let him do a school run in the van and try an block off your driveway. Maybe ask a friend to park there etc

SheilaFentiman · 09/01/2023 15:25

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 09/01/2023 15:18

I have got rid of him once and will get rid of him again.

And then you let him straight back in again! No wonder people are finding your posts confusing. Not to mention that your kids must be wondering what the hell is going on.

Find your backbone and tell him to sort his life out.

Hardly “straight back in”. She moved away 5 years ago.

XH seemed to accept her “no” in late December.

then he brought the kids back (presumably in the van) (which may be on the drive or in the car park)

then he came in, then was a wanker about leaving.

sounds like OP has done most of the dropping the kids with him to date, he may or may not have come in for a cuppa or whatever on the occasions he has previously brought them back.

he’s a chancer and a wanker, but it is bloody hard to block the father of your children at the threshold without upsetting the kids. OP isn’t the first to have these concerns to balance.

sunglassesonthetable · 09/01/2023 15:26

And then you let him straight back in again! No wonder people are finding your posts confusing. Not to mention that your kids must be wondering what the hell is going on.

Not finding it confusing really.

Fascinating to think that some people think you can 'just' do this or that in a relationship when it goes against ingrained patterns.

OP clearly has issues with this man taking the piss with her. She's moved her kids miles away from the family home away from a dysfunctional relationship. She's on here asking what to say.

And all the foot stamping by posters because she can't 'just' turn it round and tell him to sling his hook.

And here are po

SheilaFentiman · 09/01/2023 15:28

sunglassesonthetable · 09/01/2023 15:15

OP it feels like he's used to getting his way around you. For whatever reason you seem to find putting your foot down difficult.

I would start by deciding one thing and pushing back on that. Suggesting he doesn't come into the house. Do all your talking on the door step. Seems like he's used to waltzing right in.

"sorry it's not a good time"
You don't need a reason.

Call the kids down to him if he want to see them. They can all go out to the camper van if they want to hang out. ( tbh the kids will probably love that ) and he can bring them back to the house for tea.

No he does not come in. No he does not go up to their rooms. Remember he's In your house.

Start with that one thing. Enforce it like you mean business.

It doesn't resolve the situation but it's a start. And a very good boundary.

Good post

whattodo1975 · 09/01/2023 15:31

SheilaFentiman · 09/01/2023 15:13

Relevance?!?

Show quote history

You are right its not relevant, its just the amount of threads appearing here recently which are along the lines of "i got married to guy much older than me, now 15 years later its gone to shit" should act as a cautionary tale.

picklemewalnuts · 09/01/2023 15:33

Gosh this is hard!

Firstly, things to say to the kids-

Daddy can't stay because he doesn't live here. He has his own house. You can't have a holiday on someone else's driveway.
This is my house not Daddy's. Daddy isn't allowed to try and live here, just like we can't decide we will move in with (random friend's name) and her mum when we haven't been invited.
Daddy isn't in charge in this house. He is in charge in his house.

OP is there a risk he's going to try and take them full time, as he isn't working now? Could he try and claim maintenance from you? Do you have a record of his previous unreasonable behaviour? If not, it's time to start.

I would ask school not to release them to anyone except you, for a start.

Do not let him babysit or anything else. Stick to whatever formal agreement has been arranged.

SheilaFentiman · 09/01/2023 15:35

picklemewalnuts · 09/01/2023 15:33

Gosh this is hard!

Firstly, things to say to the kids-

Daddy can't stay because he doesn't live here. He has his own house. You can't have a holiday on someone else's driveway.
This is my house not Daddy's. Daddy isn't allowed to try and live here, just like we can't decide we will move in with (random friend's name) and her mum when we haven't been invited.
Daddy isn't in charge in this house. He is in charge in his house.

OP is there a risk he's going to try and take them full time, as he isn't working now? Could he try and claim maintenance from you? Do you have a record of his previous unreasonable behaviour? If not, it's time to start.

I would ask school not to release them to anyone except you, for a start.

Do not let him babysit or anything else. Stick to whatever formal agreement has been arranged.

Also a good post, though hopefully OP being the RP for 5 years and the kids being settled at school would both help.

SheilaFentiman · 09/01/2023 15:36

whattodo1975 · 09/01/2023 15:31

You are right its not relevant, its just the amount of threads appearing here recently which are along the lines of "i got married to guy much older than me, now 15 years later its gone to shit" should act as a cautionary tale.

Show quote history

32 and 43, or whatever when they got together, isn’t massive. Anyway, he’s a wanker regardless of age.

tribpot · 09/01/2023 15:39

I have got rid of him once and will get rid of him again.

It sounds like last time you had to give him the family home and rehouse your children yourself? That is a guess on my part, but it seems odd that the three of you should be living elsewhere whilst he keeps the family home for himself.

It will be impossible for you later to call the police if you've been allowing him access to the home for weeks. I understand that you don't want to upset the children but the longer this goes on, the worse it will be for them when you have to escalate somehow to get him out.

picklemewalnuts · 09/01/2023 15:46

Firstly was what to say to the DC.
Secondly was supposed to have been what to say to him

Obviously, "no".

However, on a practical note-
be out. Go to kid's clubs, play dates, supermarket.
Get into PJs ready for bed. "No, you can't come in, we're doing bed time. "
Meals- "no you can't come in, we're eating. No I haven't made any for you, I didn't shop for you, I didn't invite you, I'm not going to magic food up for you."
"No, it's homework time."

No, you don't live here, you weren't invited here, I told you not to come here, you aren't welcome here.

Investigate with the council how to get someone off your drive. It's probably a letter from a solicitor that's needed- ask on the legal section here.

If you make it clear you won't be pushed into doing things his way, if he doesn't get extra access to the dc, he'll give up and go away. But you have to make him uncomfortable. He has to see you aren't rolling over.

That said, as he's happy to travel and has nothing else to do, he can do the driving to get them for contact from now on.

sunglassesonthetable · 09/01/2023 15:52

*It will be impossible for you later to call the police if you've been allowing him access to the home for weeks.
*

No. Why????

SheilaFentiman · 09/01/2023 15:57

“*It will be impossible for you later to call the police if you've been allowing him access to the home for weeks.”

It has been less than 24h, of which he’s been inside the house about an hour!

Also, if I let a friend park their camper on my drive for a week, and then they don’t move it, they don’t gain rights to leave it there cos it’s been there for a bit already. Why do you think this is different?

sunglassesonthetable · 09/01/2023 16:03

**It will be impossible for you later to call the police if you've been allowing him access to the home for weeks.
**
If you ever feel you the need to call the police you call them. You do not forfeit that right under any circumstances.

KettrickenSmiled · 09/01/2023 16:09

Also, if I let a friend park their camper on my drive for a week, and then they don’t move it, they don’t gain rights to leave it there cos it’s been there for a bit already. Why do you think this is different?

It's totally different. Unlike your friend, this man has a history of manipulating & abusing the OP. This camper on the drive is the thin end of a wedge. He hasn't even bothered paying proper child support or keeping in regular contact with his DC until now - he has an agenda.

Original poster

Haveagentlechristmas · 09/01/2023 16:09

Find your backbone and tell him to sort his life out.

For those telling me to get a backbone, have you ever had to move 70 miles away from the entire life you built up and house, job and friends you loved to get away from a toxic relationship? I defy you to tell me I have no backbone unless you have.

BTW, thanks to the other masses of comments which are helpful. Sorry I can't reply to everything as I'm working long hrs today (front door at home locked).

OP posts:

Original poster

Haveagentlechristmas · 09/01/2023 16:13

OP is there a risk he's going to try and take them full time, as he isn't working now? Could he try and claim maintenance from you? Do you have a record of his previous unreasonable behaviour? If not, it's time to start.

Yes there is a risk. However their life has been here for the last 5 years and when I got legal advice when leaving I was told courts favour the status quo, especially if they are in a good school, which they are.

OP posts: