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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dcs dad wants to "camp" on my drive for 3 weeks in Jan 🤯

295 replies

Haveagentlechristmas · 28/12/2022 14:23

The ex has just decided to hit the early retirement button (he's 57). I do suspect one of the motivations is to stop paying child support (which he was only paying a fraction of anyway).

5 years ago I moved 70 miles away so I could start a new life away from him and his weird ways, just me and the kids. We have our own routine going.

It's been hard but worth it. Though I don't have much help in the new place (relevant).

Ex has unilaterally decided that he plans to "camp in his campervan" in January to "help" with the children and to see more of them. I'm not up for this. Though I would like more help, I will find this irritating I think. I'm not sure the neighbours will want him there peeing in the bushes in the morning!

I would like to have some kind of shared care agreement, but not this!

What the fuck can I tell him!

OP posts:
EL8888 · 08/01/2023 23:35

I can see why some people might find this unbelievable but there are incredibly entitled and self absorbed people out there. My ex husband was like this (and one of the many reasons l divorced him), he could only think about what he wanted and needed. Anything outside of that beyond his comprehension and gave him the hump most of the time

In this situation the ex is a whole new level of lazy. Can’t be fucked working (cue “early retirement”), can’t be fucked paying his way (going to “help” with his own children). In reality flopping on OP’s sofa, watching her Netflix whilst cranking up her heating and scoffing her food. Attempting to be the ultimate cocklodger -especially as they aren’t even a relationship anymore!!

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 08/01/2023 23:42

Op I really feel for you that you’re not able to hold boudaries with your ex.

your children are upset because of him and his actions, but why allow him to stride upstairs and upset them? It just makes no sense to me.

I sense you think your doing the right thing for the children by not making a fuss and avoiding conflict. You’re not though. You’re just teacher them not to have boudaries and that their dad can do whatever he wants.

How can you feel comfortable in your own home knowing he can stride in whenever he wants.

I honestly just feel so sorry for you. It must fee incredibly disempowering

WhereYouLeftIt · 08/01/2023 23:46

"Please don't be rude just because I haven't called the police. Thats not my way of doing things!"

As the saying goes - 'if you do what you've always done, you'll get what you always got'. You're doing what you've always done - not caused a scene. You're getting what you've always got - him walking all over you. You have to be prepared to change your tactics, because the ones you're using now - they're not working, are they?

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/01/2023 23:51

WhereYouLeftIt · 08/01/2023 23:46

"Please don't be rude just because I haven't called the police. Thats not my way of doing things!"

As the saying goes - 'if you do what you've always done, you'll get what you always got'. You're doing what you've always done - not caused a scene. You're getting what you've always got - him walking all over you. You have to be prepared to change your tactics, because the ones you're using now - they're not working, are they?

And I've found that saying you will, meaning you will, means you seldom have to.

I have a person in my life who says boundary-crossing things. I've called 999 once. I've said I'll do it several times. After the one time I did, the person now believes me. And before I did, saying I was going to and meaning it went a long way.

It's not about calling the police. It's about having boundaries and being willing to defend them. Up to and including the police if necessary.

But if he knows you never will, OP, he will behave this way forever. And your children will learn nothing about good boundaries. Either you stand up to him, or they may be unable to stand up to worse in future.

KettrickenSmiled · 09/01/2023 00:42

Haveagentlechristmas · 08/01/2023 23:13

OP I've thought about reporting this one because it's unbelievable. Unbelievable that anyone would be such a mug.

Why would I make this shit up. Seriously. Please don't be rude just because I haven't called the police. Thats not my way of doing things!

You don't have a way of doing things, you just kowtow to anything he tells you he wants to do. Now he's in your house & has upset your kids. All because you cannot say "no".

Fraaahnces · 09/01/2023 02:11

Go over and speak to the neighbours and get them to report the strange van so you don’t have to.
Get the keys first.

Teaandtoast3 · 09/01/2023 02:24

Get the neighbours to report him if you can’t.

Don't let him back in the house.

After what you’ve written he sounds abusive.

This needs stopping now before he confuses your children even more. What a bellend he is!

Intrepidescape · 09/01/2023 05:30

Haveagentlechristmas · 08/01/2023 22:51

You’ve been told to call the police and you haven’t. I have little sympathy. You let him in your home and this is the outcome. Call the police and tell them a person is trespassing on your property.

Tbh I wouldn't call the police unless he was bring threatening. He's not. He's just being a dick.

@Haveagentlechristmas - then why post here? You are complaining about this and you’ve been told what you need to do. Him camping on your drive means he will be there for the next two weeks - knocking on the door to watch tv - to pee - to poop - to eat - to have a cup of tea. He’s moving in and you are too dense to even see this.

So don’t call the police - just keep venting here then.

Intrepidescape · 09/01/2023 05:32

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Busybutbored · 09/01/2023 05:35

DelphiniumBlue · 28/12/2022 14:26

Tell him no. It's probably against the lease/house covenants anyway, drives are not for living on, and you don't have to have him on yours.

This. Tell him it will annoy the neighbours, which is probably true

ChateauMargaux · 09/01/2023 05:48

Point him in the direction of the nearest camp site. If he wants to help with school run and clubs, he can do that from nearby.

Shoxfordian · 09/01/2023 06:07

Why did you even let him into your house? Don’t be a mug op

itsthefinalcountdown1 · 09/01/2023 06:48

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 08/01/2023 23:33

Oh, he's already back in.

Well, this is on you then.

You have ignored all the advice you asked for. And you haven't called the police. You've let him upset your children.

Good luck.

I came here to say this.

User787878787878 · 09/01/2023 06:58

OP, I mean this very nicely, but you need to find your spine. Your ex sounds like one of those people where if you give then an inch then they will take a mile.

He also sounds like someone who will constantly chip away at you, looking for an "in" and working on the basis that if he's persistent, then you'll probably give in for a quiet life.

If that's the case then you have to be consistent with your boundaries. If you "give" then he knows that all he has to do is keep trying because you'll cave in eventually.

I want to watch telly; I'll post the keys back through the door when I'm done
No. My home is not a hotel. You need to leave now.

Fine, I'll stay on the driveway then
No. My drive is not a campsite. I have already told you that you cannot stay on my property. If you refuse to move your van then I will call a towing company and have your vehicle removed. Go and move it somewhere else.

Don't get angry, don't get emotional. Straight face, even tone of voice and keep repeating what he needs to do.

It's going to be hard but it's the only way you will solve the issue. Eventually he will realise that it's not worth trying because he won't get anywhere and you won't give him a reaction.

User787878787878 · 09/01/2023 07:00

And if he does park up round the corner then do not let him in the house. No popping in to see the kids (and whilst he's there, using the loo and having a shower). No hanging around to help with the kids' breakfast (and conveniently feeding himself at the same time).

If he wants to help with drop offs and similar then he waits on the doorstep and you bring the kids out to him.

SheilaFentiman · 09/01/2023 07:10

User7878… is right.

Bobbins36 · 09/01/2023 07:35

He does not live there, it’s not up to him when he wants to pop in, watch tv, ‘help’.

a firm explanation of ‘we are not together’ you cannot hang around my house whenever you want is what’s needed here op.

and get off MY drive.

Intrepidescape · 09/01/2023 07:46

@SheilaFentiman absolutely the police could come out!!! Domestics can become very volatile and dangerous! He could end up assaulting her. The police came to my street when the neighbour had a visitor parking on the road and forcing people to drive over my front garden.

SheilaFentiman · 09/01/2023 07:51

Intrepid, was it you that called the police, in that instance?

User359472111111 · 09/01/2023 07:54

I’m amazed that there are so many people who would call the police and (1) expect them to respond to a non-violent family member slightly overstaying their welcome and (2) if they did respond expect that to be something reasonable to subject their kids to.

The situation isn’t great. Of course lots of us can understand why you wouldn’t call the police on your own kids’ dad and why it’s so hard to manage the manipulative behaviour.

Bayleaf25 · 09/01/2023 07:56

I’m sorry but I absolutely don’t understand why you’ve even let him in the house. It’s clearly upsetting for your children and not helpful for you. You set the boundaries here. By all means allow him to take the children out after school/pick them up from school/take them to after school clubs. But it really beggars belief that you’d let him sit on your sofa watching Netflix and camp on your driveway.

Stravaig · 09/01/2023 07:58

Either enforce whatever your official childcare custody/contact arrangements are, or call a lawyer and formalise them. No contact other than stipulated handover times, and he hosts the children in his own home. Anything else is you being harassed and stalked by your ex-partner, so get the police involved.

rookiemere · 09/01/2023 08:01

Today is another day OP.

Message him and say that in reflection it is confusing for the DCs that he is in the house, and you are not prepared to have nightly debates about what time the TV is switched off in your own home. With immediate effect he is not allowed in the house. He is welcome to see the DCs outside the house.

SheilaFentiman · 09/01/2023 08:07

Agree with rookiemere.

Intrepid, the person parked on your road was committing the offence of obstructing a public road, I would guess.

Intrepidescape · 09/01/2023 08:28

User359472111111 · 09/01/2023 07:54

I’m amazed that there are so many people who would call the police and (1) expect them to respond to a non-violent family member slightly overstaying their welcome and (2) if they did respond expect that to be something reasonable to subject their kids to.

The situation isn’t great. Of course lots of us can understand why you wouldn’t call the police on your own kids’ dad and why it’s so hard to manage the manipulative behaviour.

@User359472111111 - because

  • He has no legal reason to be there;

(a) it’s not his house & he’s uninvited; and

(b) his not a public space

  • It’s harassment

  • He is trespassing.

You really have trouble seeing things. Are you always like this?

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