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Original poster

Dcs dad wants to "camp" on my drive for 3 weeks in Jan 🤯

295 replies

Haveagentlechristmas · 28/12/2022 14:23

The ex has just decided to hit the early retirement button (he's 57). I do suspect one of the motivations is to stop paying child support (which he was only paying a fraction of anyway).

5 years ago I moved 70 miles away so I could start a new life away from him and his weird ways, just me and the kids. We have our own routine going.

It's been hard but worth it. Though I don't have much help in the new place (relevant).

Ex has unilaterally decided that he plans to "camp in his campervan" in January to "help" with the children and to see more of them. I'm not up for this. Though I would like more help, I will find this irritating I think. I'm not sure the neighbours will want him there peeing in the bushes in the morning!

I would like to have some kind of shared care agreement, but not this!

What the fuck can I tell him!

OP posts:
TitsInAbsentia · 28/12/2022 16:11

NO.
For all the reasons other people have mentioned.
And he'll probably want to come in to use the loo.
And have a shower.
Charge up his phone/laptop whatever.
NO! Please be strong on this one!

RavenclawsPrincess · 28/12/2022 16:15

Oh HELL no.

FIL tried this one once, saying he’d come up and sleep in his van on our drive for 2 weeks, because he was too tight to pay for accommodation and it was before we moved to a place that had a guest room. I’m not normally a “but think of the neighbours” person, but ffs, I wasn’t having someone camping out in a van on my driveway in the middle of a suburban street! Was a weird thing to do IMO. If he’s determined to do his van life thing he can get a pitch at a local campsite. All this “free spirit in my van” type malarkey just smacks of bloody Peter Pan type men who don’t want to grow up and be responsible and pay their way in life, and I wouldn’t be enabling it, or in my case offering my sink for FIL to empty his night time pee bottles in! 😱

custardbear · 28/12/2022 16:18

How's he going to help except babysitting on these nights out you fancy?
Camping on your property is what travellers do so your neighbours won't be pleased! He'll likely take up a lot of the parking if it's small too as a camper is bigger than a parking space usually. He needs to commit to firm regular arrangements for money, not freeloading on you like a hippy using a pathetic excuse he wants to help with the children

Wonnle · 28/12/2022 16:22

Not exactly a difficult question to answer now is it !

Original poster
Haveagentlechristmas · 28/12/2022 16:29

All this “free spirit in my van” type malarkey just smacks of bloody Peter Pan type men who don’t want to grow up and be responsible and pay their way in life

Haha, you're right. You've all convinced me it is a very bad idea. But now the next step when he feigns sadness in front of the kids 'mummy won't let me come and see you in my campervan,' I know he's going to get the violin out next and make me into this terrible, unreasonable person.

OP posts:
WunWun · 28/12/2022 16:30

Why would the neighbours or lease even come into it? 😖

cynicat · 28/12/2022 16:32

I'd tell him he's welcome to see the kids as long as he takes them out, and isn't planning to use your water, electricity and cooking facilities.

Definitely don't let him come and basically use your house for 3 weeks!

KettrickenSmiled · 28/12/2022 16:34

Haveagentlechristmas · 28/12/2022 16:29

All this “free spirit in my van” type malarkey just smacks of bloody Peter Pan type men who don’t want to grow up and be responsible and pay their way in life

Haha, you're right. You've all convinced me it is a very bad idea. But now the next step when he feigns sadness in front of the kids 'mummy won't let me come and see you in my campervan,' I know he's going to get the violin out next and make me into this terrible, unreasonable person.

How old are the DC?

You need some age-appropriate way of letting them know that daddy need to grown the fuck up & stop using them as pawns to manipulate mummy with ...

WunWun · 28/12/2022 16:34

Surely you just remind them that you and Daddy are not together anymore? And so it would be inappropriate for him to be in your house, using your shower etc and you would end up arguing which you don't want to do in front of them.

When people aren't in a relationship anymore they don't spend all their time together, because they don't get on.

You haven't done anything that makes you out to be a bad person, so how could he do it?

FerretInAFrock · 28/12/2022 16:38

In January right?? It’s going to be freezing and he’ll shift his arse into your house (turn up the heating while you’re at work) and be asking what’s for dinner when you get home.

Camper van for weekend in summer is just about tolerable but 3 weeks in winter is a no!

AlisonDonut · 28/12/2022 16:39

How does he know where you now live?

Don't be lured in, for fucks sake. Nothing is worth this sort of help.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/12/2022 16:39

Sorry, op, but you're coming across as quite meek and passive. You should have said FUCK NO at the first mention of this along with telling him he will not be allowed in if he shows up.

Take control and put an end to this bright idea of his.

Marineboy67 · 28/12/2022 16:45

TitsInAbsentia · 28/12/2022 16:11

NO.
For all the reasons other people have mentioned.
And he'll probably want to come in to use the loo.
And have a shower.
Charge up his phone/laptop whatever.
NO! Please be strong on this one!

Unfortunately those are the conditions of temporarily staying on someone's drive in either a motor home or caravan. You have to use the bathroom and toilet facilities along with eating. He's not stupid and will use this as a lever. For fucks sake tell him No...

AngelontopoftheTree · 28/12/2022 16:46

I'm 5% lured in by the offer of help.
I'm going to get my crystal ball out now 🔮 .....
..... Yep, as suspected the 🔮 said HE WILL BE NO HELP WHATSOEVER!

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 28/12/2022 16:47

Haveagentlechristmas · 28/12/2022 14:26

Just say no, you can’t commit 😂

Nice idea. Playing him at his own game. But what if he literally turns up, it could get ugly.

Say no and if he turns up don’t let him in your house. It’s a simple (and hard) as that. Just make sure you are very clear and very blunt beforehand. The clearer and blunter the less likely he will be to just rock up.

can’t he find a local camp site?

forrestgreen · 28/12/2022 16:48

'Dc, dd has mentioned he might like to come up to visit you. Have a look at different camp sites he could use. I checked with the council and the neighbours and he can't just park it up around here'

Get in there first

TwoPointFourCatsAndDogs · 28/12/2022 16:50

He'll probably want to plug his van into your electricity supply.

TrentCrimm · 28/12/2022 16:51

Haveagentlechristmas · 28/12/2022 16:29

All this “free spirit in my van” type malarkey just smacks of bloody Peter Pan type men who don’t want to grow up and be responsible and pay their way in life

Haha, you're right. You've all convinced me it is a very bad idea. But now the next step when he feigns sadness in front of the kids 'mummy won't let me come and see you in my campervan,' I know he's going to get the violin out next and make me into this terrible, unreasonable person.

'Of course you can visit Daddy in his campervan kids, what's the campsite address Daddy?'

Purplecatshopaholic · 28/12/2022 16:52

Jeezo, he’s a CF isn’t he! As others have said, this is a big fat No! He can’t make you feel guilty if you don’t let him. Remind yourself of the wise words here and be strong op.

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 28/12/2022 16:53

Haveagentlechristmas · 28/12/2022 16:29

All this “free spirit in my van” type malarkey just smacks of bloody Peter Pan type men who don’t want to grow up and be responsible and pay their way in life

Haha, you're right. You've all convinced me it is a very bad idea. But now the next step when he feigns sadness in front of the kids 'mummy won't let me come and see you in my campervan,' I know he's going to get the violin out next and make me into this terrible, unreasonable person.

Mummy and daddy don’t live together. Mummy bought this house so there was somewhere for you (children) and me to live with each other, because that was he try important. Daddy decided to sell his house, so he does not have a house for you to stay in with him. Daddy decided to buy a camper to live in instead and there is not space in his camper for you to stay with him. There are 3 campsites by that daddy can camp at when he visits you. It is up to daddy to book one if he wants to visit. Daddy is a grown up and he doesn’t need mummy to do things for him.

Reugny · 28/12/2022 16:54

Tell him "No" verbally and in writing then if he turns up report to the police for harassing you.

The land isn't open to the public.

Mom2K · 28/12/2022 16:54

But now the next step when he feigns sadness in front of the kids 'mummy won't let me come and see you in my campervan,' I know he's going to get the violin out next and make me into this terrible, unreasonable person

Then preempt this by having a conversation with your children on their level (how old are they?) about healthy boundaries and why he, as a grown, single man, should be making all arrangements on his own and not expecting you to facilitate anything for them. Kids should be taught about healthy boundaries and not be manipulated especially when one of their parents clearly does this.

Unfortunately you can't control whatever he says and does, but you can try and control the narrative with your kids in a healthy way.

Original poster
Haveagentlechristmas · 28/12/2022 16:55

Daddy decided to sell his house, so he does not have a house for you to stay in with him

Just to clarify. He does have a house. The family one we all used to live in. Its just 70 miles away.

OP posts:
Mom2K · 28/12/2022 16:56

Mummy and daddy don’t live together. Mummy bought this house so there was somewhere for you (children) and me to live with each other, because that was he try important. Daddy decided to sell his house, so he does not have a house for you to stay in with him. Daddy decided to buy a camper to live in instead and there is not space in his camper for you to stay with him. There are 3 campsites by that daddy can camp at when he visits you. It is up to daddy to book one if he wants to visit. Daddy is a grown up and he doesn’t need mummy to do things for him.

^This^

Reugny · 28/12/2022 16:57

Haveagentlechristmas · 28/12/2022 16:55

Daddy decided to sell his house, so he does not have a house for you to stay in with him

Just to clarify. He does have a house. The family one we all used to live in. Its just 70 miles away.

Then why can't he drive up, pick them up and take them to stay in his house for part of the holidays?