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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Uninvited to a wedding for asking a question

239 replies

mrshiddleston69 · 28/12/2022 00:00

Hi I'll try to be brief.
I have a friend, we met when we were both living overseas 7 years ago. We became really close and moved back to our home country within months of eachother. Although we live in different cities we kept in touch, occasionally spending a night or two at eachothers house some weekends and she even spent 2 Christmases with me and my family when she was single .
She is getting married next year and in July 2022, her and her fiancé called me and asked if my DD could be a flower girl at their destination wedding. ofcourse both me and DD (8) were delighted.
A few weeks down the line she mentioned in passing in a conversation that it was a 'no children allowed wedding'. And I took this to mean my 2 year old DS wouldn't be allowed and I wasn't planning on taking him anyway so I thought nothing of this. My DH then made a comment about his come DD was invited but not DS as friend is his mother to DS. I said it's their wedding their choice. But it nagged me so I asked my friend. She became really defensive and it was during this conversation that I learned that 'no children' meant even DD was no longer invited as a flower girl to the wedding and I had totally missed her subtle hint earlier. So i asked why they hadn't called to tell DD that she was no longer a flower girl, same way as they had done when they asked her. I said I was totally okay with coming on my own, I actually preferred it and was so excited for them. I mentioned that we've been to many weddings where kids are not allowed and we've always found a sitter. But because this was a destination wedding I was going to come on my own and DH was okay with that.
A few minutes later I got a phone call from friend and fiancé saying I had really pressed the 'no kids' issue too far and was causing stress. I didn't see it that way and said I was seeking clarity because I hadn't realised the policy had changed.
She was upset and unfriended me on FB, Instagram and blocked me on WhatsApp.
I was very hurt, I sent her an email apologising and then I blocked her on everything.
I've never fallen out with anyone like this so I'm not sure what to do. Should I seek her out again and apologise? This all happened in August. Or is it safe to assume she doesn't want me in her life anymore?

Thanks

OP posts:
VisaGeezer · 29/12/2022 10:18

Ironically she'll no doubt be just as precious and selfish about her kids when they come along .... But was happy to disappoint and discard yours.

VisaGeezer · 29/12/2022 10:19

I'd be slightly sickened that I'd included such a creature in my family Christmases.
But that's a reflection that you're a kind person, and that she is not.

Namaste6 · 29/12/2022 10:37

Good morning OP. I meant to add that I really hope you won't be at this wedding? I haven't read all of the posts (except for @5YearsLeft - bloody excellent 👌. I'm glad I didn't see that one at 5am, otherwise the entire house would have heard my 😂) but it's clear that you have overwhelming support from everyone here.

A friendship is tested during periods of hardship and/or entitlement - your 'friend' failed miserably. One of those, 'it's all about the wedding and not about the marriage or relationship' kind of person. Time to move on with friends that actually say what they mean and mean what they say.

Namaste6 · 29/12/2022 10:39

'Relationships!

Original poster
mrshiddleston69 · 29/12/2022 11:30

@Namaste6 and everyone
Thanks so much. The way I've described it is just how it happened. I did not over react and asked her plain and simple. I've taken the doormat comment a bit too seriously as it may be right. I've known her through so many major life stages but I've realised she wasn't there for me like I've been for her. It's hard to let go of friendships but I think this one has run it's course.

OP posts:
Railwayroad · 29/12/2022 11:35

Canoe???? WtAF. I wish your now ex friend was reading this so she could see what a utterly shit idea we all think that is.

Weddings bring out the worst in people. Be pleased she’s no longer a friend.

QueSyrahSyrah · 29/12/2022 11:44

Fuck her, and the canoe she rode in on.

LuluBlakey1 · 29/12/2022 11:50

hums
'Can I canoe you down the river?'

What a load of drivel this is!

Ramsbottom · 29/12/2022 11:55

There’s a big difference between a canoe and a gondola. It’s like telling folks they are getting a lift in a tractor but you actually mean a luxury 4x4.

it’s clear she feels guilty and has been a right twat about it. To ask a child to be flower girl then rescind is appalling but to not have the balls to tell them direct is shitty behaviour

what a horrible selfish woman

Frazzledmummy123 · 29/12/2022 12:06

Total nutter, keep her blocked and get on with your life away from this eejit. She is batshit (I am still trying to get my head around the canoes part!)

Leela100 · 29/12/2022 12:20

A f*ing canoe, what are these people actually on these days 🤣🤣🤣

LadyWithLapdog · 29/12/2022 12:26

It was probably better you told your DD about the flower girl thing, as it sounds like Bridezilla would have been totally insensitive about it.

I’ve told my family about the canoe. Heck, we all need a laugh 😂

Pugdogmom · 29/12/2022 12:27

I'm trying to get round the canoes as well, and we would never go to a wedding that involved fuckin canoes. I'm dyspraxic and DH walks with a crutch, so guaranteed that one of us would end up in the water...🤣. My 9 year old granddaughter who does gymnastics would be perfectly fine.

Having read your update on her previous huff, she sounds like an appalling human being. Who asks an 8 year old to be a flower girl and then retracts the invite. And doesn't have the balls to come out and tell the truth. She is a gaslighter. I'd never contact her again. I get your sadness that the friendship is over, but doesn't sound like a loss.
Did I read that this happened in August though? If no attempt to contact, I would 100% assume its over.

Broadbeansinthepan · 29/12/2022 12:33

OP - just popping in to say you absolutely don't need this person in your life. She sounds selfish and hard work and you've obviously been too kind too many times. Absolutely cut off any contact and never let her in your life even if she comes crawling back a year later!

As a former doormat myself I can 'smell the sh&t' from far away and would not give a second chance to someone like that.

TerraNostra · 29/12/2022 12:45

pizzaHeart · 28/12/2022 01:04

To me it sounds like they whimped out of telling you/your DD she could no longer be flower girl. When you actually asked directly about it they felt awkward and threw a strop.
I agree with this^
she clearly decided that it would be easier to cut you off completely to avoid awkwardness. She is not a friend.
Hope you haven’t spent any money on her wedding yet.

This is 100% it. If I read correctly, they actually asked your DD in person to be a flower girl. There is absolutely no excuse for not telling her in person that she couldn’t be one after all. And at the very least they had to make sure that you understood that she couldn’t be one after all.

Cakewineorgin · 29/12/2022 12:47

You are much better off without your so called friend. When I was in my late teens, I became friends with a work colleague in her early thirties. She had an affair with another teenage colleague, and left her family for him. A few weeks later, she left him for her best friend’s boyfriend. Her best friend worked with us, so the atmosphere was tense to say the least. Two months later she got engaged, and I left work shortly afterwards, but we stayed in touch as everyone else ended their friendships with her.

Once her divorce came through, I was asked to be a witness at a register office wedding a few weeks later. This was in a city around an hour away and I didn’t drive, but got a friend to give me a lift. We kept in touch weekly, and I rolled up on the big day only to find it was now a wedding for 80 and I was no longer a witness. She didn’t speak to me at any point on the day or after, and refused to take/return my calls. I’m still not sure what happened or why she didn’t tell me. I would have skipped it had I known she didn’t need my support.

zingally · 29/12/2022 12:48

Your "friend" has turned into a mental Bridezilla.

1 of 3 things will happen from here.
1: You'll get a message from her in 6 months to a year, either apologising profusely, or just blindly carrying on like this whole ho-hah didn't happen.
2: You'll literally never hear from her again.
3: A year from now you'll find out on the gossip grapevine that she's been badmouthing you left right and centre, because you "were being unreasonable" about her wedding decisions. She won't speak to you directly about it.

Come back in 18 months and tell us which one it was!

ReginaPhalangee · 29/12/2022 13:04

Is she marrying John Darwin?

2bazookas · 29/12/2022 13:09

No dear. YOU do not apologise for being treated appallingly rudely by a CF.

Instead of buying a wedding gift, treat DD to a pretty dress to compensate for being sacked from her unsolicited post as flower girl. (how can anyone be such a shit?)

Then cross the newly weds off the " welcome guest" list.

Stravaig · 29/12/2022 13:14

Please gods let Bridezilla find her way to Mumsnet, we need to hear all about this wedding, especially the canoes!

OP, you are only being unreasonable if you let this person back into your life again. Plan a lovely family outing instead, with a special treat for DD. Don't be afraid to model clear boundaries with people who treat you badly.

Broadbeansinthepan · 29/12/2022 13:32

zingally · 29/12/2022 12:48

Your "friend" has turned into a mental Bridezilla.

1 of 3 things will happen from here.
1: You'll get a message from her in 6 months to a year, either apologising profusely, or just blindly carrying on like this whole ho-hah didn't happen.
2: You'll literally never hear from her again.
3: A year from now you'll find out on the gossip grapevine that she's been badmouthing you left right and centre, because you "were being unreasonable" about her wedding decisions. She won't speak to you directly about it.

Come back in 18 months and tell us which one it was!

I agree with this

Ramsbottom · 29/12/2022 13:46

Sorry I’ve just realised this all happened in August.

so you’ve had no contact since?

cassiatwenty · 29/12/2022 14:13

Sleeking clarity isn't a bad thing.

Obviously, she needs take it slower, not blocking friendships, just managing things a bit better.

You did the right thing, sent an e-mail, apologised (even though you did nothing wrong, but shows you're a bigger person here).

When and if things cool down, she should contact you and apologise for taking it out on you, but she won't realise this while this is going on.

Pity, though, you've been hurt and you didn't deserve it 💞

StarGoddess · 29/12/2022 16:17

mrshiddleston69 · 29/12/2022 11:30

@Namaste6 and everyone
Thanks so much. The way I've described it is just how it happened. I did not over react and asked her plain and simple. I've taken the doormat comment a bit too seriously as it may be right. I've known her through so many major life stages but I've realised she wasn't there for me like I've been for her. It's hard to let go of friendships but I think this one has run it's course.

You may be right. I’m not making excuses for your friends as I do agree she reacted very badly and she is still very much responsible for her actions, but I wonder if she is struggling with her mental health in some ways? Even so it’s not your job to fix her. It’s merely just a thought that crossed my mind as recently I’ve changed medications for my own mental health and found myself getting the wrong idea about very normal social interactions. Though rather than lashing out I merely isolated myself and cried like a sulking teen girl. 😂 When the switch was over I realized how silly I was being and came to my senses. Ragardless you don’t need to light yourself on fire to keep her warm.

MissingMoominMamma · 29/12/2022 18:05

She’ll look back on this and feel really ashamed.

You can have a great break with your family with the money you save!