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Original poster

Uninvited to a wedding for asking a question

239 replies

mrshiddleston69 · 28/12/2022 00:00

Hi I'll try to be brief.
I have a friend, we met when we were both living overseas 7 years ago. We became really close and moved back to our home country within months of eachother. Although we live in different cities we kept in touch, occasionally spending a night or two at eachothers house some weekends and she even spent 2 Christmases with me and my family when she was single .
She is getting married next year and in July 2022, her and her fiancé called me and asked if my DD could be a flower girl at their destination wedding. ofcourse both me and DD (8) were delighted.
A few weeks down the line she mentioned in passing in a conversation that it was a 'no children allowed wedding'. And I took this to mean my 2 year old DS wouldn't be allowed and I wasn't planning on taking him anyway so I thought nothing of this. My DH then made a comment about his come DD was invited but not DS as friend is his mother to DS. I said it's their wedding their choice. But it nagged me so I asked my friend. She became really defensive and it was during this conversation that I learned that 'no children' meant even DD was no longer invited as a flower girl to the wedding and I had totally missed her subtle hint earlier. So i asked why they hadn't called to tell DD that she was no longer a flower girl, same way as they had done when they asked her. I said I was totally okay with coming on my own, I actually preferred it and was so excited for them. I mentioned that we've been to many weddings where kids are not allowed and we've always found a sitter. But because this was a destination wedding I was going to come on my own and DH was okay with that.
A few minutes later I got a phone call from friend and fiancé saying I had really pressed the 'no kids' issue too far and was causing stress. I didn't see it that way and said I was seeking clarity because I hadn't realised the policy had changed.
She was upset and unfriended me on FB, Instagram and blocked me on WhatsApp.
I was very hurt, I sent her an email apologising and then I blocked her on everything.
I've never fallen out with anyone like this so I'm not sure what to do. Should I seek her out again and apologise? This all happened in August. Or is it safe to assume she doesn't want me in her life anymore?

Thanks

OP posts:
lieselotte · 28/12/2022 10:04

DreamingOfAGreenChristmas · 28/12/2022 09:58

She’s a nightmare. You are well out of it.

But I’m not sure why you asked about your Ds not being invited when you hadn’t intended to take him anyway and after she had said ‘child free’. I think that deserved an eye roll, tbf.

Not really, if you think your 8 year old is invited. It's fine to clarify that she means siblings of the wedding party are excluded as well.

She does sound like a right drama queen.

KnickerlessParsons · 28/12/2022 10:14

mrshiddleston69 · 28/12/2022 00:14

I must add for fairness that the wedding planner said part of the wedding ceremony will involve getting a canoe to the location so wasn't safe for children.

A canoe? How ridiculous!

nettie434 · 28/12/2022 10:17

I think it was perfectly ok to clarify about your daughter being a flower girl as some couples do have children as flower girls or page boys, even if there are no other children invited.

The bit about the canoe gondola trip confirmed my view that you have had a lucky escape. It's sad that, having been a close friend, she has behaved this way but she is not a friend if she blocks you for asking a perfectly reasonable question.

FirstnameSuesecondnamePerb · 28/12/2022 10:30

You can't reason with an unreasonable person. You did well to stop trying in August.

AreOttersJustWetCats · 28/12/2022 10:35

mrshiddleston69 · 28/12/2022 00:14

I must add for fairness that the wedding planner said part of the wedding ceremony will involve getting a canoe to the location so wasn't safe for children.

Batshit - the whole thing sounds a bit bridezilla. You're well off out of it OP, she's no loss if she is prepared to get an 8 year old excited about being flower girl, then uninvite her.

Sonyrecording · 28/12/2022 10:44

You're well rid aren't you Op? Don't let her come crawling back again. Block and move on.

Funnywonder · 28/12/2022 10:48

Possibly on account of dangers in the water eg crocodiles…

🤣🤣

Who said anything about crocodiles? And if this is the case, while I would be a tad upset at the prospect of children being swallowed whole by crocodiles, as a fully grown adult I'd prefer not to have a chunk of my arm removed by said fictional crocodiles.

On a serious note, I absolutely agree with pp's that the most important part of this bridezilla scenario, is how appallingly badly the OP's little girl was treated. Terrible behaviour. Maybe some day, if she has children of her own, she will come to understand this. I doubt it though.

Damnautocorrect · 28/12/2022 10:50

Take the money you would have spent on this destination wedding and have a lovely family holiday instead

Sceptre86 · 28/12/2022 10:55

She's nutty and you've had warnings of her behaviour and ignored them. If you are that desperate for a friendship you need to look inward and maybe seek some counselling. Leave her to her life and make other friends.

dcut · 28/12/2022 11:13

Awful to ask your DD to be flowergirl and then decide to have no children because of the fucking canoes and then not bother to mention to you that your DD couldn't come either.
She's not worth it.
Don't let her come crawling back in a year either.

quinceh · 28/12/2022 11:35

What a strange situation. Whatever the ‘rights and wrongs’ of the child free wedding issue, the way she handled it sounds totally OTT, unless you kicked off at her in a way you’ve not disclosed! It’s a shame to lose a friend, but you have to leave it with her now.

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 28/12/2022 12:21

Canoes 😂😂😂😂😂

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 28/12/2022 12:22

It'd be a shame if bride fell in wouldn't it?

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 28/12/2022 12:25

Interesting that you were the only one who went to the dress fitting... sounds like plenty of others aren't interested in bride's demands either.

beachcitygirl · 28/12/2022 12:57

Everything @5YearsLeft said with bells on!

She's a fucking bitch & you're well rid.

Straycatblue · 28/12/2022 13:15

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 28/12/2022 12:25

Interesting that you were the only one who went to the dress fitting... sounds like plenty of others aren't interested in bride's demands either.

Yeah I wouldnt be surprised if when wedding gets closer & she finds herself without any bridal party due to her behaviour that she will suddenly make up with you & ask you to go so it looks like to the world she's got friends in her photos

YetAnotherSpartacus · 28/12/2022 13:22

I thought this was a piss-take but apparently canoe weddings are a thing. I Googled wished I hadn't.

RiverSkater · 28/12/2022 13:29

mrshiddleston69 · 28/12/2022 00:14

I must add for fairness that the wedding planner said part of the wedding ceremony will involve getting a canoe to the location so wasn't safe for children.

Wedding involving getting a canoe?

I've heard some bonkers wedding stuff but that is the best! Your daughter was disinvited in the most off hand manner due to her need for a canoe ride.

You've lost nothing here - this woman had been rude to you and your family. And you sound lovely.

5YearsLeft · 28/12/2022 13:32

I can’t get past the canoes.

@HoppingPavlova Try rowing faster?

StarGoddess · 28/12/2022 16:08

I wonder how much debt she is stacking up with this ridiculous wedding. I miss the days when people just got married in barns. My sister stacked up 50K in debt for her wedding and then got divorced 5 years later. I’m glad my partner and I eloped. Why start your new life worrying about paying off a huge loan?

Ofcourseshecan · 28/12/2022 16:16

Good riddance to Bridezilla, who is not a friend. Sympathy to DD, dumping her was a disgusting thing to do.

CantGetDecentNickname · 28/12/2022 16:48

5YearsLeft · 28/12/2022 13:32

I can’t get past the canoes.

@HoppingPavlova Try rowing faster?

😂loved this comment

OP, you are much better off without your very inconsistent friend. Not only did she uninvite your DD, but she didn't tell her or you. You were somehow supposed to figure this out (are you psychic?) from a vague mention of "no children" after she had already been invited. You were then supposed to do her dirty work for her and let your DD know which would be bound to be upsetting for her. This, coupled with her other treatment of you makes your friend seem self-centred, shallow and a coward.

Apart from sadness that you won't get to have a good laugh at the canoes, I'd secretly be pleased to be able to have a nice break with DD and DH and arrange something you'd all enjoy instead. You won't miss this friend and please ignore her when she tries to contact you which she will probably do nearer the time. Don't be available to her again. If she is like this with you, she'll probably be minus half the wedding party by the time of the event.

iklboo · 28/12/2022 16:53

Up from the depths
Thirty storeys high
Breathing ire
Head up her arse
Bridezilla!
Bridezilla!
Bridezilla!

Mom2K · 28/12/2022 17:20

You're well rid of this so called 'friend' and I wouldn't have apologized before blocking her. If I'd bothered to say anything at all, it would be to point out how awful her behavior was.

There were two little girls that I was very close to as they were growing up. I really loved them and had said (mainly to their mother though, as the girls would have been to young to remember) that if I got married one day I would have them as my flower girls. I got married a few years later, but by that point in time I was no longer close to the girls hadn't seen them in a while and even their mom was I not frequently in touch with. Their mom did bring up the flower girl thing (when she was invited to the wedding.. and it was a child free wedding) though and I think she had said it im front of her kids so I did just let them be flower girls still anyway even though I had no particular interest in still having them. It was no big deal but if I had changed my mind all that time later and then said we were doing things differently now, I would have hoped they would understand and accept it gracefully.

I think it's really weird to tell your dd she can be in the wedding and then to take it back in such a shot timeframe, but sometimes circumstances, costs, plans etc change and she should have just been upfront about it. It was bang out of order for her to 'hint' that your dd was no longer in the wedding party by saying no children allowed instead of just telling you and having a proper conversation about it.

Namaste6 · 29/12/2022 04:56

Well I hope they enjoy their self absorbed wedding OP; they've ruined a friendship over it.

You have done absolutely nothing wrong. Your poor DD - I'm sure she was beyond excited and felt special to be asked to be their flower girl.

There's a certain etiquette to life and expecting you to take a 'hint' at your DD no longer having that role and effectively being uninvited wasn't it.