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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Uninvited to a wedding for asking a question

239 replies

mrshiddleston69 · 28/12/2022 00:00

Hi I'll try to be brief.
I have a friend, we met when we were both living overseas 7 years ago. We became really close and moved back to our home country within months of eachother. Although we live in different cities we kept in touch, occasionally spending a night or two at eachothers house some weekends and she even spent 2 Christmases with me and my family when she was single .
She is getting married next year and in July 2022, her and her fiancé called me and asked if my DD could be a flower girl at their destination wedding. ofcourse both me and DD (8) were delighted.
A few weeks down the line she mentioned in passing in a conversation that it was a 'no children allowed wedding'. And I took this to mean my 2 year old DS wouldn't be allowed and I wasn't planning on taking him anyway so I thought nothing of this. My DH then made a comment about his come DD was invited but not DS as friend is his mother to DS. I said it's their wedding their choice. But it nagged me so I asked my friend. She became really defensive and it was during this conversation that I learned that 'no children' meant even DD was no longer invited as a flower girl to the wedding and I had totally missed her subtle hint earlier. So i asked why they hadn't called to tell DD that she was no longer a flower girl, same way as they had done when they asked her. I said I was totally okay with coming on my own, I actually preferred it and was so excited for them. I mentioned that we've been to many weddings where kids are not allowed and we've always found a sitter. But because this was a destination wedding I was going to come on my own and DH was okay with that.
A few minutes later I got a phone call from friend and fiancé saying I had really pressed the 'no kids' issue too far and was causing stress. I didn't see it that way and said I was seeking clarity because I hadn't realised the policy had changed.
She was upset and unfriended me on FB, Instagram and blocked me on WhatsApp.
I was very hurt, I sent her an email apologising and then I blocked her on everything.
I've never fallen out with anyone like this so I'm not sure what to do. Should I seek her out again and apologise? This all happened in August. Or is it safe to assume she doesn't want me in her life anymore?

Thanks

OP posts:
StarGoddess · 28/12/2022 04:28

The same people who make a huge deal of uninviting children from their prescious weddings usually have children and kick up a huge fuss and get very offended when it’s their turn.

Not saying there’s anything wrong with having child free weddings. Just the way she’s handling it is very immature.

HoppingPavlova · 28/12/2022 04:28

I can’t get past the canoes. How many acceptances to invites are they going to get when they put that you need to get frocked up AND then get in a canoe to get there. Fucked if I’d accept, I’d just laugh and respond saying no can do with the canoe.

Then I’m guessing canoes back, so are they limiting alcohol, as common sense says that’s not going to be a good combo with canoes?

IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 28/12/2022 04:29

KalvinPhillipsBoots · 28/12/2022 04:21

@IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 well some of us can read the signs, I am not the only one who thought the same.

There are absolutely no signs about the fiance, but blinking neon signs about the bride. Who the OP actually deals with, knows and has a friendship with. I can read the signs that the bride is a bridezilla and could have told OP at any point over the months, but just never did. How is the man responsible for OP's best friend never telling her?

LadyOfTheCanyon · 28/12/2022 04:34

Omfg Canoes! I die. 😂😂

Mummyoflittledragon · 28/12/2022 04:43

AliceOlive · 28/12/2022 04:08

I’m stuck on the canoes. And why a child can’t manage to ride in one. Better tell every children’s camp on the planet.

Possibly on account of dangers in the water eg crocodiles…

I don’t understand why you apologised to her op. She sounds awful, self centred and no longer much of a friend. It is very unkind to uninvite your dd.

StarGoddess · 28/12/2022 04:46

HoppingPavlova · 28/12/2022 04:28

I can’t get past the canoes. How many acceptances to invites are they going to get when they put that you need to get frocked up AND then get in a canoe to get there. Fucked if I’d accept, I’d just laugh and respond saying no can do with the canoe.

Then I’m guessing canoes back, so are they limiting alcohol, as common sense says that’s not going to be a good combo with canoes?

Both my mother and my husband have a ridiculous fear of water and would rather sever their dominant arm than get into a canoe. It turns out it’s a very common phobia. I wonder if bridezilla has considered this? If she just wants pretty pictures she should just have a few canoes do pictures or something and then carry on with a normal wedding.

Sunbird24 · 28/12/2022 05:06

I’d guess maybe the ceremony bit is on a private island and then everyone canoes back to the main venue for the reception? Still ridiculous.

Just gobsmacked that she could ask an 8yr old to be flower girl then change her mind but not outright say so, and completely blow up the friendship when the poor girl’s mum asks for clarification in such a nice way.

StClare101 · 28/12/2022 05:08

How kind of her to let toy know she’s a complete tosser before you wasted money on flights and accommodation. Win! I’d keep her blocked.

mrsbitaly · 28/12/2022 05:12

No you don't apologise that's really terrible what they did. Yes they are absolutely entitled to have a child free wedding but to ask your daughter to be a flower girl and not outright tell you she wasn't anymore and leave you to try and work it out yourself and have to ask directly is disgusting.

It's a shame she felt the need to block you It's childish and even more disgusting I wouldn't have anything more to do with her and certainly wouldn't be apologising.

daretodenim · 28/12/2022 05:12

Ok OP we've established she's unreasonable and you don't need her as a friend.

But..
Please unblock and contact her just so we can get updates about the canoe wedding. I feel this is a thread Mumsnet needs. 😃

My main question is, if it's not safe for children (who could obviously wear life jackets), in what way is it safe for drunken adults, elderly infirm relatives and anybody who hasn't canoed before - or can't swim?

Is the celebrant going to be canoeing across too?

Gosh, so many questions!

See, you need to fake refriend her to give us updates! We absolutely need more information about this wedding!

On the original issue, she was rude, unthoughtful and I'm going to guess you're not the only people who she's treated badly. But treating a child like that is really low - and inviting her but not inviting her actual godson who is her brother?! Yeah, she saw DD as an ornament and treated her like one. Not someone you need in your life.

SunflowerTed · 28/12/2022 05:31

bumpertobumper · 28/12/2022 00:42

She of course behaved badly and threw a strop when found out... but OP I think you were a bit unreasonable by blocking her on everything after sending the email (not that you needed to apologise). Because by doing that she was unable to come back to you to apologise and make up after calming down. She may not have wanted too, but if she did you made it impossible and now it's all gone on too long and the friendship is lost it would seem.
Although, that you are posting about it maybe it's not from your side and there is only one way to find out how she's feeling.

I am more forgiving of my friends than most on Mumsnet, and luckily for me most of my friends are too.Grin

Totally agree

SeatonCarew · 28/12/2022 05:36

In years to come you will be glad you attended the wedding dress appointment OP - so as all the better to imagine her trying to stuff it into a canoe. 😄

It sounds like a particularly awful episode of Don't Tell The Bride, some particularly cloth eared groom's idea of a good wheeze. You are well out of it.

Rustyheart · 28/12/2022 05:47

Definitely her loss. You sound like a fantastic friend. But I would now drop her. It won’t be the same again now because she’s behaved badly.

Cinecitta · 28/12/2022 06:01

Do NOT apologise to this rude bitch, you’ve done nothing wrong. She sounds mental.

Untitledsquatboulder · 28/12/2022 06:05

She behaved badly but the person who ended the friendship by blocking her on everything is you. Which is fine but I don't know why you are sat there wondering whether its over or not. Confused

Shoxfordian · 28/12/2022 06:11

Sounds like your friendship is over but maybe unblock her so you can see what this canoe involves

IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 28/12/2022 06:13

Untitledsquatboulder · 28/12/2022 06:05

She behaved badly but the person who ended the friendship by blocking her on everything is you. Which is fine but I don't know why you are sat there wondering whether its over or not. Confused

Her friend is the one who blocked her first. She was upset and unfriended me on FB, Instagram and blocked me on WhatsApp.

Cinecitta · 28/12/2022 06:14

Untitledsquatboulder · 28/12/2022 06:05

She behaved badly but the person who ended the friendship by blocking her on everything is you. Which is fine but I don't know why you are sat there wondering whether its over or not. Confused

Read OP’s story again. It was rude friend who unfriended her first and blocked her.

meetmeinthespring · 28/12/2022 06:16

What absolute nonsense 😂
This "friend " sounds bonkers!id seriously rethink her as a Godparent too....

olympicsrock · 28/12/2022 06:21

She is being bonkers and pretty awful but I don’t understand why YOu have blocked her too. Stops her from being in touch to apologise.
leave them alone now.

Lockheart · 28/12/2022 06:43

I'd be interested to hear the other side of the story. People rarely go off the deep end after a reasonable conversation. It sounds like a lot of these plans were discussed verbally and no actual formal invitation had been received, so there's lots of room for misinterpretation and confusion by both sides.

Regardless, the damage is done now. I wouldn't keep trying to contact her. You've tried and she's clearly not interested.

Museya15 · 28/12/2022 06:55

I'd like to hear her side of the story too!

Blueink · 28/12/2022 07:00

Why did you block her if you were hoping to smooth things over? We don’t know if or how she responded at the time and it’s now months later.

The canoe thing is odd, but more so that you didn’t include it in your OP. Likely she was feeling bad about your DD and didn’t handle the situation well.

It does seem the friendship may be difficult to salvage even if you wanted to, were u thinking about visiting her?

MyEasterEggs · 28/12/2022 07:00

It sounds a little infantile with all the unfriendling and blocking. Social media really has complicated our lives! But it does seem like a “slight” overreaction on her part so perhaps best to steer clear. Why couldn’t she just be straight instead of drop a subtle hint? Wedding planning does strange things to people…

Eddielizzard · 28/12/2022 07:06

She's gone totally off the rails. This whole bridezilla thing is so weird.

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