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Original poster

Uninvited to a wedding for asking a question

239 replies

mrshiddleston69 · 28/12/2022 00:00

Hi I'll try to be brief.
I have a friend, we met when we were both living overseas 7 years ago. We became really close and moved back to our home country within months of eachother. Although we live in different cities we kept in touch, occasionally spending a night or two at eachothers house some weekends and she even spent 2 Christmases with me and my family when she was single .
She is getting married next year and in July 2022, her and her fiancé called me and asked if my DD could be a flower girl at their destination wedding. ofcourse both me and DD (8) were delighted.
A few weeks down the line she mentioned in passing in a conversation that it was a 'no children allowed wedding'. And I took this to mean my 2 year old DS wouldn't be allowed and I wasn't planning on taking him anyway so I thought nothing of this. My DH then made a comment about his come DD was invited but not DS as friend is his mother to DS. I said it's their wedding their choice. But it nagged me so I asked my friend. She became really defensive and it was during this conversation that I learned that 'no children' meant even DD was no longer invited as a flower girl to the wedding and I had totally missed her subtle hint earlier. So i asked why they hadn't called to tell DD that she was no longer a flower girl, same way as they had done when they asked her. I said I was totally okay with coming on my own, I actually preferred it and was so excited for them. I mentioned that we've been to many weddings where kids are not allowed and we've always found a sitter. But because this was a destination wedding I was going to come on my own and DH was okay with that.
A few minutes later I got a phone call from friend and fiancé saying I had really pressed the 'no kids' issue too far and was causing stress. I didn't see it that way and said I was seeking clarity because I hadn't realised the policy had changed.
She was upset and unfriended me on FB, Instagram and blocked me on WhatsApp.
I was very hurt, I sent her an email apologising and then I blocked her on everything.
I've never fallen out with anyone like this so I'm not sure what to do. Should I seek her out again and apologise? This all happened in August. Or is it safe to assume she doesn't want me in her life anymore?

Thanks

OP posts:
FoxCorner · 28/12/2022 01:56

Are they going to canoe up the aisle?

RunAwayTurnAwayRunAwayTurnAway · 28/12/2022 01:59

excelledyourself · 28/12/2022 01:16

Should I seek her out again and apologise?

No. Best not make waves, OP.

'Specially not at a canoe wedding!

daschundthroughthesnow · 28/12/2022 02:08

No, OP you did nothing wrong. I would've assumed the same and also blocked her. I wouldn't contact her again - you don't need anyone that wacko in your life, she sounds wild

BananaCocktails · 28/12/2022 02:12

mrshiddleston69 · 28/12/2022 00:14

I must add for fairness that the wedding planner said part of the wedding ceremony will involve getting a canoe to the location so wasn't safe for children.

Pretentious nonsense
send her a text message telling her exactly what you think about stupid behaviour and never speak to her again -that’s not a friend

AToughCookie · 28/12/2022 02:29

@mrshiddleston69 she told you she wanted your daughter to be the flower girl and made you feel like a part of her special day by involving your daughter and then she tells you she changed her mind only when you asked her.
Just imagine if you had shown up with your daughter at her wedding to be told "um.. your kids no longer the flower girl, it is a no kids wedding" .. how horrible would that have been for you and your daughter.. you would have had to leave infront of everyone.
You should not be the one apologising, she should.. but instead, she made you look like the one at fault and unfriended you etc. Etc.

If it was me, i would have sent a strongly worded email to her and blocked her.
You dont need friends like that who do not value your feelings. Yes it is her wedding, but that does not give her the right to make you feel like craxp.

Dont be apologetic. Get rid of her and find friends that actually care and value you instead of friends that get dramatic over petty things... like getting stressed over you rightfully asking about the flower girl situation...
She will come crawling back once you get rid of her, just watch.

PaperwhiteTheGhost · 28/12/2022 02:32

I appreciate this isn’t the point of the thread but I can’t get past the canoes.

Is every guest expected to arrive via canoe? What about elderly relatives? Pregnant women? Anyone with a dodgy back or shoulder? Or is it just the wedding party?

Do they also have to depart via canoe after drinking?

I’m sniggering at the thought of me and DP at my sister’s upcoming wedding, me trying to clamber in to the canoe in my bridesmaid dress, him ducking to avoid getting hit by my oar as I’m clumsy as all fuck. Being totally unable to coordinate rowing together.

I am going to suggest this to my sister. Although sadly she is getting married in Surrey. I’m not sure how many venues there are accessible by canoe :-(

itmustbemyage · 28/12/2022 02:39

Gosh potentially elderly or infirm relatives wearing fancy wedding clothes and travelling by canoe, sounds like a great idea I hope they can all swim 🙄.

changeme4this · 28/12/2022 02:39

Terrible behaviour towards yourself and DD.

However I wonder how much of this wedding carry on is her idea? I really agree with a poster above suggesting this is designed to isolate her (or him) from those closest around either of them.

not many people can afford to attend a destination wedding as a guest, or have appropriate weather wedding outfits if it’s out of their normal home climate/region, and get into a canoe. It all actually sounds story like, not in a good happy ending fairytale one either..

mathanxiety · 28/12/2022 02:44

LOL @ canoes at a wedding. Nothing could possibly go wrong there...

Thingiemajig · 28/12/2022 02:48

its very unkind of her, she should have explained properly to your DD and you.

5YearsLeft · 28/12/2022 02:58

excelledyourself · 28/12/2022 00:22

I can't wait to see the thread in S&B asking for wedding wetsuit suggestions

@excelledyourself It’ll be just like all other wedding guest S&B threads. OP will find the “perfect wetsuit,” then post asking, “But it might be a bit chilly (in the canoe). What would you wear for a jacket with this?” OP, to save you a thread, the answer is: a pashmina made of these inflatable arm floaties glued together. I chose the ones with the crabs because the pink scallops were all sold out. They had ones with Godzilla-type monsters on them, and I thought maybe those would send a nice, subtle, “You’re a Bridezilla” message, but anyone who has canoes at their wedding wouldn’t know ‘subtle’ if it bit them on the arse, and sadly, there were no floaties with “you're a total fucking bitch” on them, so I doubt she’d get the message.

Uninvited to a wedding for asking a question
LaBellina · 28/12/2022 03:22

She expects everyone to tiptoe around her whilst simultaneously treating you like shit. The trash took itself out when she blocked you.

HomeTheatreSystem · 28/12/2022 03:34

You've done absolutely nothing out of step here.
They were not being clear enough in setting out their change of plans regarding children particularly after inviting your daughter to be a flower girl. Maybe they have received so much pushback from other guests over the child issue that they were being overly sensitive and prickly about it.

Regardless, I do think she has treated you appallingly just for seeking clarity and would not re-engage with her until she has offered a full apology.

Raspberryjamsandwich · 28/12/2022 03:34

Opentooffers · 28/12/2022 01:11

How much do you know about her intended? Could he be pulling strings and slowly isolating her? Odd that non of the bridal party were there for dress fitting.
Perhaps block her from everything except email, so if one day she reaches her senses there's a channel for her to contact you. Not that she deserves it, and meantime move on without a second glance. It would not be the first time a partner has systematically alienated people, so you never know.

Opentooffers makes a very good point. Is this totally out of character for your friend? Do you know much about the guy she’s marrying?I feel sad for your DD. How did she take the news? Hope she’s not upset.

stopthebarking · 28/12/2022 03:39

I suspect she felt "stressed" because she knows she's in the wrong but is too immature to admit it and apologise for rudely uninviting your daughter after raising her hopes about being a flower girl and then not even making the "uninvitation" clear. Unless she's completely clueless, she has to be aware of how poor her behaviour has been.

Iflyaway · 28/12/2022 03:48

Regardless, I do think she has treated you appallingly just for seeking clarity and would not re-engage with her until she has offered a full apology.

I agree. And I bet that apology will come when she's seeking a divorce.

Destination wedding with canoes?! No way I could be bothered with that.

But more importantly, she has treated you and your daughter appalingly too, I agree.

TulaDoesTheHula · 28/12/2022 04:03

Schnooze · 28/12/2022 00:35

I hope Great Aunt Jane can manage the canoes.

I’m imagining Great Aunt Jane in her best frock & hat trying to navigate rowing while wearing floaties 😂

StarGoddess · 28/12/2022 04:07

Yikes Bridezilla alert! Your friend is gonna have NO ONE in those canoes at this rate. 😂

AliceOlive · 28/12/2022 04:08

I’m stuck on the canoes. And why a child can’t manage to ride in one. Better tell every children’s camp on the planet.

KalvinPhillipsBoots · 28/12/2022 04:11

mrshiddleston69 · 28/12/2022 00:00

Hi I'll try to be brief.
I have a friend, we met when we were both living overseas 7 years ago. We became really close and moved back to our home country within months of eachother. Although we live in different cities we kept in touch, occasionally spending a night or two at eachothers house some weekends and she even spent 2 Christmases with me and my family when she was single .
She is getting married next year and in July 2022, her and her fiancé called me and asked if my DD could be a flower girl at their destination wedding. ofcourse both me and DD (8) were delighted.
A few weeks down the line she mentioned in passing in a conversation that it was a 'no children allowed wedding'. And I took this to mean my 2 year old DS wouldn't be allowed and I wasn't planning on taking him anyway so I thought nothing of this. My DH then made a comment about his come DD was invited but not DS as friend is his mother to DS. I said it's their wedding their choice. But it nagged me so I asked my friend. She became really defensive and it was during this conversation that I learned that 'no children' meant even DD was no longer invited as a flower girl to the wedding and I had totally missed her subtle hint earlier. So i asked why they hadn't called to tell DD that she was no longer a flower girl, same way as they had done when they asked her. I said I was totally okay with coming on my own, I actually preferred it and was so excited for them. I mentioned that we've been to many weddings where kids are not allowed and we've always found a sitter. But because this was a destination wedding I was going to come on my own and DH was okay with that.
A few minutes later I got a phone call from friend and fiancé saying I had really pressed the 'no kids' issue too far and was causing stress. I didn't see it that way and said I was seeking clarity because I hadn't realised the policy had changed.
She was upset and unfriended me on FB, Instagram and blocked me on WhatsApp.
I was very hurt, I sent her an email apologising and then I blocked her on everything.
I've never fallen out with anyone like this so I'm not sure what to do. Should I seek her out again and apologise? This all happened in August. Or is it safe to assume she doesn't want me in her life anymore?

Thanks

Seems like her stbh is calling the shots, she has behaved appallingly, your poor daughter. Please do not contact her, she made her bed she can lie in it.

AkoraEdelherb · 28/12/2022 04:15

And how much was this canoe expedition going to cost you? It certainly doesn’t sound cheap, or like she offered to cover the costs.

IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 28/12/2022 04:17

KalvinPhillipsBoots · 28/12/2022 04:11

Seems like her stbh is calling the shots, she has behaved appallingly, your poor daughter. Please do not contact her, she made her bed she can lie in it.

Show quote history

I'm the first to blame men but seriously this obviously has nothing to do with him. She has gone totally bridezilla, the canoes would not be a male idea. Also even if her fiance is calling shots (and on the whole men aren't interesting in wedding planning, the women are the ones more into that), it doesn't explain why her friend didn't tell OP ages ago. She has had many, many times. She just never bothered to.

KalvinPhillipsBoots · 28/12/2022 04:17

FoxCorner · 28/12/2022 01:56

Are they going to canoe up the aisle?

Seriously 🤣🤣🤣🤣 hahah

Where on earth is this wedding venue, she will dressed as Lara Croft 🤣🤣

IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 28/12/2022 04:19

*She has had many, many times where she could have told OP, that should read.

KalvinPhillipsBoots · 28/12/2022 04:21

@IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 well some of us can read the signs, I am not the only one who thought the same.