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Original poster

I know it's the most boring question - but is it always best to LTB?

162 replies

TinselTinselTinsel · 27/12/2022 20:25

A tale as old as time. DH has become v annoying, small minded, can be mean in arguments. Daily low level lack of respect.

Can be v loving. Is good with kids mostly. Funny.

I don't have respect for him. He chats a load of nonsense these days. Mansplains everything. Talks at me. I don't hate spending time with him weirdly but I know if it wasn't for kids I'd have gone ages ago.

I promised 2023 is the year to leave. I've watched a couple of films/TV recently which feature divorce (including I Hate Suzie which would put anyone off). And basically I've got scared

My husband is alright but I know 100% he would HATE me for leaving and see it as me destroying him and he would do everything he could to make it as painful as possible. Every pick up, every weekend, every school play - he would make as difficult as possible. I am also the breadwinner and he would get every penny he could despite me doing 90% of housework and admin etc. He has quite poor MH sometimes and I hate to think how messy it could all get.

Anyway. Sorry for the ramble. I know people say it's always better to leave but really? Low level irritation is better than a decade of absolute awfulness which the DC would be stuck in the middle of their whole childhood?(DC are 2 and 3)??

Any advice or stories would be so appreciated

X

OP posts:
LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 27/12/2022 20:27

In this case it sounds like it would be better for you to not live with him.

pinkyredrose · 27/12/2022 20:28

If you asked him to leave would he go? Is the house in joint names?

HornyHandedSonOfTroll · 27/12/2022 20:31

If the problem with my ex husband had been "low level irritation", there is nfw that I would have left him. I could have coped ok with just getting on with it, seeing friends, having hobbies, encouraging his hobbies with his own friends etc etc etc.

Divorce is horrendous for children, and should only ever be an absolute last resort.

Thingshavebecomeweird · 27/12/2022 20:32

Your kids are 2&3 and you already feel like this?! It really is time to look at all the options.

Start documenting/ keeping a diary of all that he spends and all the domestic chores and managing the children that you do.

If he will want cash, he will need to prove his needs. Can he look after the children by himself? My ex could so we went for a clean 50/50.

Angeldelight81 · 27/12/2022 20:32

If you’re going to do it, do it now is my advice I grow, received my teeth for 10 years until eventually I just fucking exploded and unfortunately my dear little children were right in the middle of their childhood precisely 10 years older than yours. It couldn’t have been a worst time.
If I have left when they were toddlers, there’s a good chance I could’ve met somebody else had more children things could’ve been calm by the time they hit their teenage years which would’ve been far far better for all of us.

I stayed because I thought I couldn’t do it financially, and I was right I couldn’t, but the implications with much much worse again, with teenagers toddlers wouldn’t of cared about secondhand, clothes and toys.

10 years on and I’m back to normal and everything is back to how it was but of course the damage has been done with the kiddies.

girlmom21 · 27/12/2022 20:35

It's best for the children to do it while they're young enough to not really remember the separation as they grow.

How flexible is your work? Do you think he'd go for custody?

HornyHandedSonOfTroll · 27/12/2022 20:35

If I have left when they were toddlers, there’s a good chance I could’ve met somebody else had more children

Not being goady @Angeldelight81, but I'd have thought that meeting someone else and having more children was right at the bottom of desiderata post-divorce. There's a lot to be said for not meeting someone else, and for prioritising the children you already have in a situation that is already difficult for them.

Fireflygal · 27/12/2022 20:37

With young children then it's possible you are both in a bad phase. Don't understand estimate the last few years which have been stressful and then add in young children.

I left an abusive man and it was affecting the children. It was horrendous to divorce and taken years to recover. I don't advocate divorce where there may be factors such as raising young children that are clouding your thoughts.

Would you go to counselling?

Mamoun · 27/12/2022 20:38

Have you tried speaking to him?
Have you tried counselling? Do you think he might change?
If so it's worth a shot...

Angeldelight81 · 27/12/2022 20:38

HornyHandedSonOfTroll · 27/12/2022 20:35

If I have left when they were toddlers, there’s a good chance I could’ve met somebody else had more children

Not being goady @Angeldelight81, but I'd have thought that meeting someone else and having more children was right at the bottom of desiderata post-divorce. There's a lot to be said for not meeting someone else, and for prioritising the children you already have in a situation that is already difficult for them.

Well with respect, you know absolutely nothing about my situation so probably best that you don’t pass comment.

HornyHandedSonOfTroll · 27/12/2022 20:41

Angeldelight81 · 27/12/2022 20:38

Well with respect, you know absolutely nothing about my situation so probably best that you don’t pass comment.

Show quote history

I'm not commenting on your specific situation, about which I know nothing. I'm merely saying that meeting someone else doesn't have to be at the top of the list of 'things to do post divorce', and that the children from the first marriage should be more of a priority than the mother or father meeting someone else and having more children. The children who already exist surely have to be the most important people in this situation.

Angeldelight81 · 27/12/2022 20:45

HornyHandedSonOfTroll · 27/12/2022 20:41

I'm not commenting on your specific situation, about which I know nothing. I'm merely saying that meeting someone else doesn't have to be at the top of the list of 'things to do post divorce', and that the children from the first marriage should be more of a priority than the mother or father meeting someone else and having more children. The children who already exist surely have to be the most important people in this situation.

Show quote history

Housing, feeding and clothing, the existing children is top of the list however, once those needs have been met for all parties, establishing a new relationship and a family is a perfectly natural need and want for most people. you get no medals for martyrdom at the end when the kids leave home.

Shall we stick to the matter in hand though rather than trying to peddle a misogynist agenda that women only get one bite of the cherry for a family/happiness?

Thingshavebecomeweird · 27/12/2022 20:52

Exactly. Why would one put one entire's life on hold just be a mother. Of course, the parenting needs of the children are the priority but so is getting on with life. No dramatic sacrifice required.

Ofcourseshecan · 27/12/2022 20:53

I know 100% he would HATE me for leaving and see it as me destroying him and he would do everything he could to make it as painful as possible. Every pick up, every weekend, every school play - he would make as difficult as possible. I am also the breadwinner and he would get every penny he could despite me doing 90% of housework and admin etc

OP, your reasons for staying are worse than your reasons for leaving!

Staying because you are frightened of him is a short-term strategy at best.

A horrible vindictive lazy mean and disrespectful man who would hurt you if he could? You and DC deserve better.

Angeldelight81 · 27/12/2022 20:56

Ofcourseshecan · 27/12/2022 20:53

I know 100% he would HATE me for leaving and see it as me destroying him and he would do everything he could to make it as painful as possible. Every pick up, every weekend, every school play - he would make as difficult as possible. I am also the breadwinner and he would get every penny he could despite me doing 90% of housework and admin etc

OP, your reasons for staying are worse than your reasons for leaving!

Staying because you are frightened of him is a short-term strategy at best.

A horrible vindictive lazy mean and disrespectful man who would hurt you if he could? You and DC deserve better.

There are of course several ways to skin a cat and sensible courses of action that can be put into place before a divorce is initiated. My advice would be to go and find a very good solicitor nothing less than £250 an hour. Explain the situation and that you want to leave and they will help you to put in the steps required to ensure that he doesn’t rinse you for every penny.

pointythings · 27/12/2022 21:04

Your comment about his small mindedness really struck me. This isn't just about minor irritations, is it? This is about his utter laziness and disrespect - you're the breadwinner so why isn't he pulling his weight around the home? And small mindedness means you lack shared values, which is crucial in a relationship.

If you're going to leave, it really is best to do it now that the DC are still young. It's much harder when they're past the toddler stage.

Lastly, if there is no mutual respect, there is no future and that means it is best to go.

CarmenOHara · 27/12/2022 21:09

It’s not always best to leave, of course. But I think if you’ve got to the stage where you’ve been planning to leave for a year or more, that tells you a lot. I’m a believer in giving things a good try when children are involved (except where there is abuse) but it sounds from your post as if you’ve done that.

Is it helpful to try to imagine future you looking back? Do you want your life to be with this man? Is he a good role model for your child?

HornyHandedSonOfTroll · 27/12/2022 21:13

Oh FFS. I'm not saying that divorced mothers should don sackcloth and ashes and devote themselves slavishly to motherhood and never look at a man again. I was merely saying that meeting someone else and having more children should not be the priority immediately post divorce. There is nothing dramatic or sacrificial about this. Plus children need far more than "housing, feeding and clothing", especially when their parents have stuck a hand grenade in their world.

The OP asked a reasonable question, to which she will receive a variety of answers. My own view is that divorce should be a last resort because if it isn't, it can create more problems than it solves.

CarmenOHara · 27/12/2022 21:16

OP hasn’t said anything about wanting to meet other men so maybe let’s not derail the thread.

BanjoVio · 27/12/2022 21:19

Thingshavebecomeweird · 27/12/2022 20:32

Your kids are 2&3 and you already feel like this?! It really is time to look at all the options.

Start documenting/ keeping a diary of all that he spends and all the domestic chores and managing the children that you do.

If he will want cash, he will need to prove his needs. Can he look after the children by himself? My ex could so we went for a clean 50/50.

Yes 100%! When I got fed up with my ex-husband I started documenting incidents on my phone with dates. It was invaluable when it came to applying for divorce and I needed to cite several incidents of unreasonable behaviour. I don’t think you need to do that nowadays with ‘no fault divorce’ but it’d still be useful to remind yourself of why you’re going through with it. I LTB and have never once had an inkling of regret. Now married to the best man on the planet with Baby #1 on the way.

waterSpider · 27/12/2022 21:33

IF you're an 'average' woman you're likely to live to between 85 and 90. How much of that time do you want to spend with him???

NotReallySure · 27/12/2022 21:44

If it's not going to get better, then it won't be a great life going forward, likely tensions will get worse, and kids will bear repercussions of this. It's not that easy though, I know, it's a massive thing to be considering. It's my opinion that it's best when kids are younger, my 4 year old is generally taking it in her stride, my 6 year old a bit more upset/unsettled but doing ok. So hard. I'm struggling with not seeing my kids all the time, I really am, but I'm back to being happy with myself, and feel so much happier being on my own, in my own place.

QueefQueen80s · 27/12/2022 21:49

HornyHandedSonOfTroll · 27/12/2022 20:35

If I have left when they were toddlers, there’s a good chance I could’ve met somebody else had more children

Not being goady @Angeldelight81, but I'd have thought that meeting someone else and having more children was right at the bottom of desiderata post-divorce. There's a lot to be said for not meeting someone else, and for prioritising the children you already have in a situation that is already difficult for them.

Your posts are very depressing. Firstly why should a woman not meet someone in future and experience happiness as long as her kids always come first.
And secondly you're encouraging women to stay in unhappy marriages as long as there is nothing too bad happening.. so women have to live with being unfulfilled every day? Not experiencing love, desire, attraction? Feeling quietly resentful and frustrated every day.

We only get one life. It's too short to be a martyr.

SueVineer · 27/12/2022 21:54

HornyHandedSonOfTroll · 27/12/2022 20:41

I'm not commenting on your specific situation, about which I know nothing. I'm merely saying that meeting someone else doesn't have to be at the top of the list of 'things to do post divorce', and that the children from the first marriage should be more of a priority than the mother or father meeting someone else and having more children. The children who already exist surely have to be the most important people in this situation.

Show quote history

I agree @HornyHandedSonOfTroll I’m happy single - I left when mine were young

SueVineer · 27/12/2022 21:57

QueefQueen80s · 27/12/2022 21:49

Your posts are very depressing. Firstly why should a woman not meet someone in future and experience happiness as long as her kids always come first.
And secondly you're encouraging women to stay in unhappy marriages as long as there is nothing too bad happening.. so women have to live with being unfulfilled every day? Not experiencing love, desire, attraction? Feeling quietly resentful and frustrated every day.

We only get one life. It's too short to be a martyr.

Show quote history

You don’t have to live with a man to be happy or fulfilled.