I know it's the most boring question - but is it always best to LTB?

[TinselTinselTinsel]

A tale as old as time. DH has become v annoying, small minded, can be mean in arguments. Daily low level lack of respect.

Can be v loving. Is good with kids mostly. Funny.

I don't have respect for him. He chats a load of nonsense these days. Mansplains everything. Talks at me. I don't hate spending time with him weirdly but I know if it wasn't for kids I'd have gone ages ago.

I promised 2023 is the year to leave. I've watched a couple of films/TV recently which feature divorce (including I Hate Suzie which would put anyone off). And basically I've got scared

My husband is alright but I know 100% he would HATE me for leaving and see it as me destroying him and he would do everything he could to make it as painful as possible. Every pick up, every weekend, every school play - he would make as difficult as possible. I am also the breadwinner and he would get every penny he could despite me doing 90% of housework and admin etc. He has quite poor MH sometimes and I hate to think how messy it could all get.

Anyway. Sorry for the ramble. I know people say it's always better to leave but really? Low level irritation is better than a decade of absolute awfulness which the DC would be stuck in the middle of their whole childhood?(DC are 2 and 3)??

Any advice or stories would be so appreciated

X

Well done for speaking up and for keeping your cool. He can't then twist it around or say you've caused an argument or throw misogynistic tropes around like you being "hysterical" or whatever. Well handled!

But "I've heard you" then off to play video games? So what is he saying, I've heard you but do not care/ won't be doing anything about it?

Good to leave it for now, but I do think his reaction tells you everything you need to know.

And totally agree, I am never lonely! Time alone is bliss. I see people when I want to. Home is a safe haven of peace for me and my children. I hope 2023 brings you a lot more happiness. 💐

Hey. Just looking for a bit of reassurance. Sorry to post again. Just so worn down by the low level disrespect. Every morning I get up with the kids. Every morning he lies in. I've tried being more direct and said to him "please could you get up" and he said "no" and just pretends to sleep while the baby cries. I just end up getting up every time. I then asked if he could do some laundry at some point and it wasn't fair I did everyone's clothes and sheets and he said "ill do it when you get a more organised system, there is always stuff everywhere because you're so chaotic. If you can sort it out first then it will be possible for me to help"

I guess I thought if I was direct he might step up. Sorry for rant. I told him because i did so much i felt resentment and he just played video games and said "i heard you".

Just work is full on and 2 toddlers are exhausting and I just can't find it in me to pursue divorce with this guy but his daily lack of concern for me is so obvious. You know when it becomes undeniable and you have to do something about it but fuck I feel scared and so tired

Sorry for rant. I Nedd to find someone IRL!

Have you been to a solicitor yet?

The reason you pay them such an extraordinary amount of money is they take all this stress away from you and they deal with it.

OP, he sounds like a pig and you sound like his servant. Why TF can’t he do laundry? Blaming it on you like this while he carries on doing nothing is a sort of gaslighting really, or messing with you anyway- if you were a better wife he’s be a better husband. But you are already doing everything! It’s abusive.

I would be taking steps to separate asap. You sounds completely ground down. Can you afford to buy him out?

Maybe not relevant but what are his parents like? Is their dynamic that his dad sits about while his mum skivvies? If so, good luck changing this one, unless that’s what you want for yourself.

He's not going to change. This is your life, it will just get worse and as your boys get older they might start to think that this is the way a man should treat his wife.
You know you deserve better than this.
You may be scared & tired by the thought of divorce - picture yourself in ten years time if you stay with this man. How does that feel?

My husband is alright but I know 100% he would HATE me for leaving
Without wanting to paint too black a picture: if you don't respect him (for understandable reasons), it's not unlikely that he will hate you if you stay, too.
I had similar low-level complaints about my exh and mistakenly thought that it was my choice to stay or not. I thought I'd stay for the kids, as it was perfectly fine mostly (especially when he wasn't there ...), then reassess when they left home.
Turned out that part of the reason why his behaviour was getting worse was that he didn't respect me any more either, so felt entitled to see other women when away for work.
So I put up with mild discomfort for years, then he really fell for one of these women and treated me and the kids very poorly, and it ended far more messily than if I'd suggested breaking up earlier.

"I heard you" and back to gaming doesn't sound like he's happy. Don't assume you're the only one who's unhappy in the marriage; don't make your moves in this game of chess as if there's no second player.

Your DH sounds horrendous. I understand why you try to talk to him, but I'd stop and concentrate your efforts on your plan to leave. He's not suddenly going to 'get it' and it will cause you more frustration. Oh, and if he ends up with 50/50 with the children, i'll eat my hat.

Just work is full on and 2 toddlers are exhausting and I just can't find it in me to pursue divorce with this guy

More exhausting than living the rest of your life like this? Than still being there in 10 years?

Only you can answer that, but you need to take the long view not only the immediate moment.

Good to hear from you @TinselTinselTinsel but sorry to hear it is getting worse. Your stbx has lots of reasons to work hard to keep things as they are. He doesn't want change or growth or progress in your relationship. You wanting a partner and a parent will stifle the liberties he is taking. Anything he can say or do to manipulate the gravy train rolling on, is all he wants. He is looking after no.1. The more stubborn, contrary and resistant he is, the more likely you will back down.
I am just going to mention that seeing a divorce lawyer is not commiting to anything at all. Just a fact finding mission. Working out your rights. Give you a chance to ponder your options from an informed point of view. Knowledge is power and all that.

It is not more exhausting to divorce. Divorce admin has short peaks of work. The stress is usually in the break-up, but your stress is in your daily life. However, divorce stress has an end to it, then you will be free. I divorced after 18 years, it was fine. Not a breeze, but fine. And now I am So. Much. Happier.

It will be much easier the younger the kids are, emotionally, for them. Also you don't have to spend time worrying about his lack of help, you just crack on. Then suddenly the kids are older and more helpful.

I rather fancy that divorce would be a huge weight off your shoulders, in fact.

It was for me. Far better to on your own and know you have yourself to rely on and you choose what is important, what gets done, how to do it, without someone undermining you, criticising you or second-guessing you.

Life is better without struggling under the heavy burden of resentment of living with a fully grown adult who could share the work but doesn't. You don't realise the weight of it until you get rid.