I know it's the most boring question - but is it always best to LTB?

[TinselTinselTinsel]

A tale as old as time. DH has become v annoying, small minded, can be mean in arguments. Daily low level lack of respect.

Can be v loving. Is good with kids mostly. Funny.

I don't have respect for him. He chats a load of nonsense these days. Mansplains everything. Talks at me. I don't hate spending time with him weirdly but I know if it wasn't for kids I'd have gone ages ago.

I promised 2023 is the year to leave. I've watched a couple of films/TV recently which feature divorce (including I Hate Suzie which would put anyone off). And basically I've got scared

My husband is alright but I know 100% he would HATE me for leaving and see it as me destroying him and he would do everything he could to make it as painful as possible. Every pick up, every weekend, every school play - he would make as difficult as possible. I am also the breadwinner and he would get every penny he could despite me doing 90% of housework and admin etc. He has quite poor MH sometimes and I hate to think how messy it could all get.

Anyway. Sorry for the ramble. I know people say it's always better to leave but really? Low level irritation is better than a decade of absolute awfulness which the DC would be stuck in the middle of their whole childhood?(DC are 2 and 3)??

Any advice or stories would be so appreciated

X

And yours is also a great post and absolutely spot on.

In your situation I would leave.

He sounds like a pig. I wonder if some of his 'natural order' sexism is him trying to put you back in your place because you earn more and do more. On some level he must know he's not contributing much.

If your DH phones in Christmas etc, that's not on you. You could do something really special a few days later.

He may get more than he deserves in a property settlement but, you're only mid 30s- your highest earning days are ahead of you- don't split that with him as well.

This man is a pig and he is laughing in your face OP
I would humour him for now, but privately work on your watertight escape plan, he won't see it coming and by the time he realises what has happened you'll be long gone and he won't be able to do anything about it
You need to do everything you can to make sure he can't cause problems for you.

I agree with this and this is where your intelligence and energy can allow you to “get ahead” of his inevitable (but very predictable) efforts to frustrate and punish you through any separation process.

Do loads of research. Get a good lawyer.

Have everything buttoned down before he has any inkling of what you are up to. Expect him to kick off - but know that he is not above the law and

Get reading up on all the emotional and practical stunts these guys pull and have systems set up / options at the ready to circumvent any impact from his actions - including legal options for harassment etc.

It’s ludicrous that you are staying because his abusive behaviour would escalate if you left - no one has to tolerate or be subjected to vile abusive behaviour - there are laws in place and services to access to intervene and protect you and your DCs from his abuse.

As others have said he might well find another victim ASAP as revenge - so you might actually get some respite.

he might well find another victim ASAP as revenge - so you might actually get some respite
I agree, if you are able to arrange things so that he has no other avenues for revenge he may default to this, thinking that you will be angry/jealous...of course nothing could be further from the truth!
However tempting it is I would say, dont take revenge, it will just draw him to you, be distant & very boring, take the heat out of the situation & drop right off his radar.

You’ve got a long time until the kids are 18 if you don’t want to co-parent, or at least until they are old enough to contact dad themselves. Would you consider marriage counselling? Speak to him about how you feel? Splits aren’t easy when children are involved and you can’t have a clean break, but neither is living in an unhappy marriage / relationship and you do only live once.

Thanks for the birthday wishes. It was alright. I did just come to bed and said "love with you do the dishes given its my birthday?" And he was pretty irritated by that. He said "at least if I do them I don't have to hear you whinge" or something like that. Ha ha!

I did ask that perhaps he could take the kids out so I could have a bath and relax but he said "so heart warming that a birthday treat is a mother getting rid of her kids" and I didn't push it. I don't want to give him ammunition. It was basically a normal day. Which is fine. I'm an adult.

I do feel totally terrified of the Co parenting business. Because I don't react to many of the comments - and we can get on well - the house isn't full of tension - and I'm struggling to see how the kids would be better off but I get they're only small. At the moment sexist comments go over their heads but they wo t forever. And they already see me as the person who does everything. My older DS follows me round all day. He is attached to me. He would scream his head off at being left somewhere without me. He asks DH "where is mummy" all day. Its hard to think of all drop offs etc without feel horrible horrible guilt.

Sorry for ramble. I've had a wine! Thank you for all the support and stories.

I don't react to many of the comments - and we can get on well

thats not getting on well. That’s you being completely run down and broken. That’s him being so relentlessly awful you do not speak back to him. That’s your coping strategy. It isn't an example of getting on well.

He has so much contempt for you it’s ugly and has managed to silence you.

Of course your young boys can’t determine the misogynistic vocabulary (yet) but they can sense and absorb the cold, nasty tone and disrespect and are afraid of him and anxious for you.

I would suggest this might be the reason your 5 year old is in your shadow which indicates he is possibly emotionally insecure.

IMHO this situation will only deteriorate each year (for you and your boys) and they would be more emotionally nourished and resilient in a better environment with you most of the time rather than in this environment all of the time.

@Glindara I do worry that my DS3 is very emotional insecure. He won't be left in a room with DH, he just follows me to the loo/shower anywhere. Or maybe that's just normal.

I will try to speak to solicitor in Jan.

I already have savings and work full time. I will save more and more - though I guess anything I save is also his.

Boys do copy their dads. I had to work hard to undo a lot of what they learnt from how their dad treated me. He’s not nice. If you are treading on eggshells to accommodate his horrid comments then your dc will grow up doing same. He won’t like dc as much when they start answering back as teens. Do you have other family support? You can do it on your own but as a working single parent having back up does make it much easier.

I think in a scenario where the grass seems greener but any behaviours are low level, it is better to communicate your feelings and give your partner the opportunity to communicate theirs. Where two people are both committed to open communication and to making a relationship work, there is little that can rock it. Problems occur when one or both partners check out and stop communicating or stop trying. You can't make another person change their behaviour and one person can't keep a relationship going alone. But communication is the most honest solution.

You say you're the breadwinner - doesn't he go to work at all? That would put me off.

@bathsheba have you RTFT? If this is your bar for low level, you need a rethink.

I'm glad you're thinking about solicitors, OP. You deserve better.

That sounds like a good plan, OP. Your DS3 being clingy could be related to him feeling anxious about your DH's behaviour or it could just be a stage- it's not uncommon.

Does your husband work much? There's a big difference between you being the main breadwinner in a house in which two adults are contributing well and you being the breadwinner and doing everything else and him doing sod all.

@AChristmasCaro he does work but isn't interested in work if that makes sense. He has been in exactly same job for years and actively avoids promotion because it looks "like hard work". We always agreed I was the "career minded one" and I've worked hard and got promoted a couple of times in the last 18 months. Problem is I do all the housework etc too. He says if I get promoted again he might as well give up work and be a "house husband".

He was meant to go out for NYE tonight but now he's not going and he's like "oh ill be a good boy and stay at home with my wife" and ill like DAMN I've been looking forward to an evening alone all week. He thinks because he doesn't go out and cheat and drink I should just be happy. He often says I don't know how lucky I am. Ha ha

Sorry to hear you’re going through this.

Tbh being married to someone like that is my idea of hell, it would affect me mentally and I wouldn’t be able to cope.

He's a fucking pig sometimes. I had to leave home to pick up dinner just now and my 3 year old didn't want me to leave and told me it was "too dark and rainy". DH refused to stop gaming to reassure him. DS literally said "daddy no more games" and he said "one sec this is important"and finished the game. Pig.

DH gets so grumpy that DS doesn't want to be left with him. I wonder bloody why.

I'm so angry I've done to this to Dc. What a man to pick.

I think he shouldn’t leave him with the children then, in that scenario, I would’ve taken the toddler with me. DS clearly does not have his full attention.

Wow. I'm sorry your experience has been so negative but please do not generalise from that.

I have been a lone parent since my children were babies. They are happy and well cared for. They will never be second best.

Yes it's hard work and of course I get no "time off", but it's far better than still living with their father would be. We have less money than we would with two incomes coming in but I've worked very hard to ensure they have a decent standard of living and it's comparable to that of most of their friends, in the "naice" area I moved us to.

As for men not wanting to become a step father, like hell would I put my children through that!!! If I decided to date, there is no reason whatsoever that it has to impact the children or their home life.

It's possible to prioritise them and be very happy myself. Everything does not have to be doom and gloom.

I agree that society needs a kick up the backside about the way single mothers are treated, especially ensuring child maintenance is raised from its current absurdly low level and enforced properly, and also that single parents (vast majority being women) aren't taxed more than a household with two adults with the same income, which is a disgrace.

But life doesn't have to be miserable by any means. It is what you make of it.

Thanks for sharing that @DustAndAshes feel v motivated reading that.

Does your ex still see the DC?

No. I bent over backwards to ensure I kept things amicable for their sake and ex-H saw them regularly in the early days. I let him have contact in my house as he had nowhere suitable and one was still breastfeeding, we did birthday trips for them together etc. He then did something so horrific that he is no longer allowed any contact. That has been hard; the impact on them of no longer seeing him at all. Peversely, my attempts to ensure they maintained a relationship with him did more damage than if I'd just let him wander off into the sunset when they were tiny, but I couldn't have known at the time what he would do later (it didn't involve them, but they're too young to have it explained properly still). And it would have been so much worse if we'd still been married when that happened.

Ultimately you are in a position where you can provide for your children and give them a happy home and you sound like a wonderful, caring mother. You don't need him. He's making you unhappy and I suspect that feeling will only grow. All these posts about "lonely old age" are ridiculous! I have many friends and when my children are a little older (5 and 6 now) I will have time to see them more. A good babysitter means I can go out for dinner sometimes etc, even had a night away with friends where she stayed over here with them. Like other people have said, you get one life. Make it as happy as you can. There's no point beating yourself up over past mistakes. But the future is what you decide to make it.

My advice would be leave, keep working very hard for more promotions, and get a cleaner and good childcare in place where you have some flexible options for some evening/ weekend cover when you want it. And be happy again!

I think the worst thing you could do would ne to wait and end up divorcing when they're ten years older. My sibling and me were around that age when our parents divorced and I think that's much, much harder on children.

Thank you so much @DustAndAshes I'm sorry for what you've been through with your ex. You sound like an amazing mum & woman! All credit to you. I agree about childcare!

I don't fear being lonely. That may be because I feel so suffocated that being alone and free sounds brilliant.

We just had a big talk. He got angry. I stood my ground and said I would not be spending 2023 clearing up after him and mothering him. He was v annoyed but I kept v calm and then he just stopped being angry and said v quietly "I have heard you" and then went to play video games.

Off to bed with a book I go.

Anyway thanks for all the support. I bloody hope I sort this out this year. I know it can't continue the way it is.