Partner accused of sexual abuse

[Anonuser456]

my partner has allegations of sexual abuse on his DBS in the “other” section so it only shows up on an enhanced check. I found out he has these allegations when he applied for a job a while back and was rejected due to his DBS. I found out he has 3 allegations of sexual abuse; one threatening revenge porn, one sexual assault by touching without consent, and the third was sexual interactions with an underage girl. He denies all allegations stating that the girls were all lying and had just tried to ruin his life. The allegations didn’t go further, all 3 dropped charges instead of going to court, he hasn’t been prosecuted hence why it only shows up on an enhanced check. He is also barred from working with children.

recently, the underage girl who reported him to the police got in touch with me via social media. She said she wanted to let me know that my partner sexually abused her when she was young. He was early 20’s and she was 12-13. She said there were several encounters of touching her and performing oral and obviously she was too young to consent. I showed my partner the messages and he denies it saying she is trying to ruin our relationship. He knows the girl and says she is the younger sister of the girl he once dated. He tells me to block and ignore it as it is untrue but won’t engage in a telephone conversation with the girl to discuss why she would make these false allegations.

Are they all liars because I’m starting to feel suspicious? he seems somewhat uncomfortable when discussing this and something tells me that he is lying to me as he doesn’t wish to confront the so called false accusations with the girl and would rather me just block.

I have never had any issues of sexual nature with him. He has always been respectful in that regard. However he has been physically abusive e.g. throwing things during arguments, hitting me during arguments (but not with excess force), punching walls doors furniture etc

Would you believe his word over theirs? What would you do in my situation if it was your DP, would you investigate further about the girl who’s come forward to me or block her as he says? Would you stay in a relationship with him?

note: these are all historical allegations way before we got together, around 7+ years ago these were reported and nothing since

I feel really sad that you think so little of yourself and your unborn child that you are desperate for this bad person to be in your life. Please if you cannot put yourself first please do it for your child.

If you can't let go of him, get used to the idea of losing your baby. He's violent, it will escalate, before we get to the fact he is a sexual predator. The baby being taken in to care is actually one of the better outcomes you might be looking at if you get back together with him.

Although I do get an uneasy feeling about this thread, tbh and I hope I'm right there.

Tbf though op, the person you loved never existed. It was just an act to draw you in. Who he really is is a child abuser who also hits women. So you're not mourning his loss, your mourning the death of the person you thought he was. That person is never coming back, wherever you are. Because you see what he really is now. There's no way back from that.

"However I don’t see him as a pedophile though he seems far from it because he is very kind to me apart from during arguments. So I wouldn’t wanna label him as such. Also if you ask anyone who knows him they will say he’s an amazing guy very sociable and helpful to others so no one would believe he could be a pedophile. But no one would also believe he’s hit me neither."

PLEASE REMEMBER - *A LOT OF PEOPLE NEVER assumed Jimmy saville was a PEADOPHILE EITHER!
*
I'm very sorry you're going through this, but you have to think of yourself and if you have kids in the future, how could you ever trust him? Regardless of you feel unsure if 3 women are telling the truth or not. However, the probability is highly likely they are telling the truth. She's messaged you to try and save you. Not to ruin him.
Scum like that come across charming/caring/innocent to everyone else but in reality a monster.

Please be careful, I hope you do the correct thing but keep your guard up as no matter how well you assume you "know" him, you probably don't. You know what he's chosen to show you, like you said "no one would believe he hit you"
If possible, go to women's aid (assuming you're in the U.K.) they can get you far away and safe.

Try to detach how you feel for him and realise the reality of the fact he's fed you a fairytale of a person. NO REAL MAN RAISES A HAND TO A WOMAN. NO REAL MAN HARMS A CHILD OR WOMAN IN THAT WAY. He's a predator.

You will get yourself a decent life, a decent relationship and a decent future far, far away from him.

I wish you luck x

As this goes on I cant believe this is really happening. You went to beg for him back!?!? Are you actually serious? What are you DOING!

In almost every obvious case of abuse where they choose to stay on here the person says 'but I love him and its painful'. so what? It's painful. You've a child on the way, you need to get a grip. I'm sorry if this seems harsh but the fact you're pregnant and still talking to this man tells me you'd rather put a kid through god knows what because you cant learn to distract yourself from a broken heart.

You keep saying how he has 'conditioned' and 'persuaded' you to accept abuse, OP. It was one of the things that made me also think you were a troll. People who have actually been 'conditioned' in an abusive relationship almost always do not see it at the time. Because er, they have been conditioned... Somehow, unusually, you did see this. It gives the impression of someone describing a situation that they are not actually part of.

And here you are, having left him, asking him to 'condition' and 'persuade' you a bit more.

What is it exactly that you want?

I want him back that’s what I want. I’m not coping well single 😢

You’re not listening to anything anyone is saying OP

have you called womens aid?

No I haven’t. Can you give me a number? I’ll call them now for advice

@mnhq are you able to give the OP who is in need contact details for womens services for domestic abuse?

good luck OP. You deserve much much much better than him. As does your baby.

Then go back and live with a man who fucks children. Own it, though. No excuses about being persuaded. Tell your friends and family that your dp fucks and assaults children but that you can't 'cope' being single.

You have choices in your life.

Better single than dead..... men who hit women often end up killing women.

Fine, go back to him. Wait for your child to be removed from your care, because they sure as hell cannot be brought up in that environment.

Don’t you think you’re worth more than being hit by a sexual predator? Not a single person on this thread has agreed with you that it’s ok or normal to be hit during arguments. Because it isn’t! It’s abuse. It doesn’t matter if it’s a light slap that doesn’t leave a mark, it’s still abuse. Most people DO NOT do this. It’s a criminal offence. Your boundaries and ideas about what relationships are have been destroyed and warped by your childhood and what you need urgently is therapy, not this child abusing scum back in your life.

Paedophiles can behave like nice people. If they didn’t, they wouldn’t be able to groom children. The fact everyone thinks he’s a great guy or that he’s nice to you (when he isn’t abusing you) means absolutely nothing. I’m sure some people thought Harold Shipman was a lovely doctor or Ian Watkins was a cool rock star. Didn’t stop either of them being heinous criminals.

Please get help. Call women’s aid and read about forms of domestic abuse. Do the freedom programme. Absolutely nothing about the relationship is healthy or normal. Even if it was - even if he was the nicest, non-abusive partner ever, the fact he has allegations against him from three women (well, two women and a child) would be a massive red flag/reason to dump someone for most people.

You have a duty of care to the child you're expecting to not be in a relationship with a man who is at best physically abusive and at worst also sexually abusive.

If you don't end the relationship completely now and for good, your child is going to grow up like you did, thinking it's normal for men to hit women and that women should do as they're told by men.

Co-parenting can be sorted out further down the line, with legal measures put in place to support you and your child to keep you both as protected as possible.

But in the short term, you need to realise (sorry I know this doesn't sound very nice) that every time you call someone who has physically abused you and beg him back, you're letting down your unborn child.

Please contact Women's Aid as soon as possible:

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/

PLEASE REMEMBER - A LOT OF PEOPLE NEVER assumed Jimmy saville was a PEADOPHILE EITHER!*

And most people never assume the paedophiles who abuse their kids were paedophiles either. They let them be in their kids lives or let them be alone with them because they trusted them and thought the other person was lovely and had a heart of gold. Boyfriends/uncles/sports coaches/neighbours etc.

Those people did not have the knowledge that there were accusations against the person, you do OP. There are multiple so there is no way he is innocent.

I want him back that’s what I want. I’m not coping well single 😢

It's been a couple of days. This is the break up part. It's not what being single feels like. This is the hardest part and you have no choice here in taking him back, you can't, you will lose your child.

Genuinely suspecting this is a troll now. Either that or the absolute worst case of waltzing back into a disaster I've read on here.

Thing is OP, social services will be involved from the moment that child is born. If you take him back, you will lose your child. They will not allow a child to live in a home where a known paedophile has access to them.

I know you don't want to label him a paedophile but the fact is that he had sex with a child, knowing she was only 12. He is a paedophile, no matter how kind he is to you.

A child and paedophile cannot be allowed to interact. It will be a case of either you remove him from your life or the baby will be removed. There is no version of this where you keep them both.

Raise your bar. This man is no good

You're in pain and struggling...understandable. Still not a reason to go back. Sometimes life is painful. You fight through it. Sometimes it gets worse before it gets better.

Most people have broke up with an asshole or 2 in their time. It hurt likes a bitch. But...so? Power through it.

Inoculation jags hurt. But the disease they prevent will kill you.

What do you think will hurt less, a few weeks breaking the trauma bond and then being bloody raging you tolerated his shit fir so long? Or when he catches another case and everyone finds out you knew he was a paedophile and stayed and you get ostracised from society and have too leave him anyway and, lose your child.

Even I have to say I op -stop being a baby. Man up und put your big girl pants on.

Why are you jealous of someone being with a sex offender?? You need to give your head a shake seriously. Think about your child ffs.

Are you under the care of a midwife?

You don’t seem to care for your unborn baby at all. Most women would be doing anything to keep the child safe, whereas you’re moaning about not being able to be with a paedophile.

Are social services involved?

If he isn’t allowed to work with children and still has this on his DBS, then if you keep with him it’s likely social services will be involved and possibly remove the child for their safety.

Also a child witnessing domestic violence ( hitting you is that , it’s not about how hard ! ) is seen as child abuse.

You need to show you are protecting your child. You need to report the violence to the police . You need to contact your midwife and probably social services and say you want to protect you child, your didn’t know about this record and you do now , plus he is physically violent and ask for their help. If not, he could want to see the child and you will need to evidence what you are doing to stop this .

you now know he has abused a child and women . That he can’t work with children, so be proactive and show social services you can protect your child and work with them and the police. If you don’t he will have access to your child.

With what you are saying here, it sounds like you would not stop him hitting your child as long as it didn’t leave a mark ! You need some therapy to help you see how abusive he is . Otherwise you will walk into another abusive relationship .

I really hope this isn’t true as it’s scary what you accept and how quickly you now have seen he is lying when we as strangers have told you that .

He isn’t convinced, he knows what he did . He is lying.

if you say he is convinced, you still have doubt.

You really need to get some support from womens aid , you can’t protect your child at the moment .