Partner accused of sexual abuse

[Anonuser456]

my partner has allegations of sexual abuse on his DBS in the “other” section so it only shows up on an enhanced check. I found out he has these allegations when he applied for a job a while back and was rejected due to his DBS. I found out he has 3 allegations of sexual abuse; one threatening revenge porn, one sexual assault by touching without consent, and the third was sexual interactions with an underage girl. He denies all allegations stating that the girls were all lying and had just tried to ruin his life. The allegations didn’t go further, all 3 dropped charges instead of going to court, he hasn’t been prosecuted hence why it only shows up on an enhanced check. He is also barred from working with children.

recently, the underage girl who reported him to the police got in touch with me via social media. She said she wanted to let me know that my partner sexually abused her when she was young. He was early 20’s and she was 12-13. She said there were several encounters of touching her and performing oral and obviously she was too young to consent. I showed my partner the messages and he denies it saying she is trying to ruin our relationship. He knows the girl and says she is the younger sister of the girl he once dated. He tells me to block and ignore it as it is untrue but won’t engage in a telephone conversation with the girl to discuss why she would make these false allegations.

Are they all liars because I’m starting to feel suspicious? he seems somewhat uncomfortable when discussing this and something tells me that he is lying to me as he doesn’t wish to confront the so called false accusations with the girl and would rather me just block.

I have never had any issues of sexual nature with him. He has always been respectful in that regard. However he has been physically abusive e.g. throwing things during arguments, hitting me during arguments (but not with excess force), punching walls doors furniture etc

Would you believe his word over theirs? What would you do in my situation if it was your DP, would you investigate further about the girl who’s come forward to me or block her as he says? Would you stay in a relationship with him?

note: these are all historical allegations way before we got together, around 7+ years ago these were reported and nothing since

hitting me during arguments (but not with excess force)

What the fuck did I just read?

So, it's okay that he hits you, as long as he doesn't render you unconscious? Can't you see how ridiculous that is?

Yes, believe these women. They have absolutely nothing to gain by saying these things. Ignore at your peril.

Also if you ask anyone who knows him they will say he’s an amazing guy very sociable and helpful to others so no one would believe he could be a pedophile

Ted Bundy was extremely charming, except for when he was raping and decapitating women or having sex with corpses.

OP based on what you've said so far you are extremely vulnerable to abuse. So vulnerable that you don't even realise that trying to break up with him and continuing to have conversations and find out the truth is a continuing pattern of vulnerability. All of this gives him the opportunity to sow more doubts, to get you arguing the finer points, make you feel unreasonable or guilty. Everyone here can see it plain as day. But you can't. You don't try to break up. You say 'it's done', you block him, you make sure he can't access your home, change the locks if you have to and that is IT. This isnt a negotiation.

Don't bother finding anything more out, there's enough comments on here telling you he's a wrong un. Calling you an idiot, how dare he! Just dump and block.

If he tells you that that he disagrees with you trying to break up with him, your response only needs to be, "I don't care. I don't want to continue the relationship." You don't need his permission to end it.

Also if he breaks an item of furniture he says “look what you made me do” so it is usually my fault.

This is what they all say 🙄

I hope you do end it. For your sake and your child's.

When I was a child, my dad used to hit me. The last time he hit me, I was 17 and it was 2 weeks before mum amd he split up. My mum kicked him out because she discovered he was having an affair.

I was in my mid 30s before I completely understood that being hit was no part of a relationship and that they don't hit because you annoyed them, and they don't hit because you made them do it and they don't hit because they love you and, if they didn't love you, you wouldn't be able to make you so angry (the last one was what an ex's mum used to say when her son hit me). They hit you because they are abusive.

Don't accept it for yourself.

Oh and they often don't leave bruises or marks because then someone might ask you where you got the bruise from and you might tell them. This tells you everything you need to know. They are completely in control of how hard and where on your body they hit you. They are in control of all of it. It is a choice.

1 in 35 men have a sexual interest in children. That is almost one father in every primary school class in the U.K. Of course he got away without being prosecuted, look at how many women have been assaulted and the perpetrator hasn’t been convicted. I think the three women were very brave to report it and this has allowed you to make an informed decision. Run.

fullfact.org/crime/how-many-men-have-sexual-interest-children/

If he has nothing to hide why is he bothered about others knowing. Surely they would help him fight to clear his name?

For your sake I'm really hoping you're a troll.

Read your source correctly. It says..

‘ research suggests at least 1% and maybe up to 3% of adult men may have sexual interest in minors—so the upper end gives a figure of about one in 35’

If three women have had the guts to report him, there will be many more who haven't.

The fact you use emoticons when responding to posters about such a serious allegation turns my stomach. This man is a paedophile. You are an apologist. Fucking grow up and take some responsibility.

Yes I’m still talking to him because I’m trying to break up whilst try to get some truth out of him

Pathetic. "Still talking" to a sex offender. Seriously???

I seriously didn’t see my situation as that bad, I just thought I was in a bit of dilemma and never expected to have this reaction. I thought maybe people would agree that he could be innocent until proven guilty. But yes my situation is very true despite what others are saying. Yes I’m still talking to him because I’m trying to break up whilst try to get some truth out of him. He is utterly convinced that the dbs offences are untrue and all lies and shouts me down every time I try to bring it up or explore it. I almost feel like I am being gaslighted as he turns to me and says what sort of partner are you if you would question me about this without any evidence etc and doesn’t really give me a chance to discuss it properly

That is shocking OP. A bit of a dilemma? You need some serious therapy because it is worrying that you are bringing a child into this world with this attitude. If not you're going to stay with this man or be a magnet for men who are equally as bad.

He's not going to give you the truth. No sexual abuser admits it EVER, unless they go to court and they don't want all the details to come out in a trial and they want less time for pleading guilty.

He's not convinced that they are untrue, he knows that they are true.

I am jealous of him moving on with someone else. He will happily replace me without a problem as he is handsome, charming, sociable and popular. How do I cope seeing him happy with someone else? Particularly if that person never finds any of this out?

Seriously?

You are jealous that a serial sexual offender will move on to somebody else?

You need to work on your self-esteem & boundaries.
Therapy would be a good place to start. Find out what eroded your self-respect so far that you would consider staying with a man with his history.

Report what he's done to you.
Count yourself as having had a lucky escape.

Why you even want to be anywhere near him is beyond me.

I think you need to do the sensible, sane and responsible thing (get rid of this man) and then deal with the feelings of loss, envy, whatever, as and when they come up.

look, he hits you and has 3 sexual assaults on record and you're having a child. It's not a case of did he/didn't he kiss someone else down the pub.

@Anonuser456 ffs, had some sympathy for you till I saw your last post, you’ll be jealous of another woman being with a physically abusive pedophile.
you know what 12 year olds like doing? Doing tik tok dances with their friends, reading books and riding their bikes, not having sex with grown men, and if they do it’s because they’ve been seriously groomed into it, 12 is barely into puppetry, many 12 year olds don’t even have pubes or breasts yet, they are young children. You are seriously deluded, your midwife needs to be informed that your partner has been barred from working with children and social services informed as you seem to have your priorities seriously wrong and I don’t think you’re putting your unborn baby first

*puberty

He’s not charming, sociable and popular OP. He’s an inadequate, predatory sleaze.

They'll find out when he hits them.

However he has been physically abusive e.g. throwing things during arguments, hitting me during arguments (but not with excess force), punching walls doors furniture etc

You're jealous of someone else in future being on the receiving end of this behaviour, which is physically abusive and meets a criminal threshold.

I really think it would be useful for you to have counselling as soon as humanly possible in order to help you navigate the next few months as you're continuing your pregnancy.

And in the longer term too, as due to your parents modelling such an abusive relationship dynamic to you, you are very vulnerable to having future relationships that are also abusive because behaviour that would shock other people is normalised to you.

Please stop focusing on his future and put all of that mental energy into yours and your child's.

And don't feel pressured to give the baby his last name. There's no reason the baby should have his more than yours and due to ongoing allegations of sexual assault, plus the abuse you know about towards you, it would be irresponsible in my opinion to lumber a child with his last name just to placate him.

All you should be feeling if you saw him with someone else is; thank f* that's not me and then; I hope she gets away from him as soon as possible.

Why are you seeing him as some big prize that you will be missing out on. He is a serious danger to yourself and especially your unborn child. I echo others; I hope your midwife comes by this information as you don't appear to be thinking about safeguarding your child.

Is is still handsome when he’s thumping you?

If you stayed with him and he hit your child - is that ok as long as it wasnt excessive force or if he was provoked if child was naughty?

op these posts made me sad. You are worth so much more than being with this monsterous man.

No one is handsome enough to tolerate that shit from. What use is a pretty face if there's a big empty hole where his soul should be!

See with your mind, not your eyes. There's nothing handsome about him.