Partner accused of sexual abuse

[Anonuser456]

my partner has allegations of sexual abuse on his DBS in the “other” section so it only shows up on an enhanced check. I found out he has these allegations when he applied for a job a while back and was rejected due to his DBS. I found out he has 3 allegations of sexual abuse; one threatening revenge porn, one sexual assault by touching without consent, and the third was sexual interactions with an underage girl. He denies all allegations stating that the girls were all lying and had just tried to ruin his life. The allegations didn’t go further, all 3 dropped charges instead of going to court, he hasn’t been prosecuted hence why it only shows up on an enhanced check. He is also barred from working with children.

recently, the underage girl who reported him to the police got in touch with me via social media. She said she wanted to let me know that my partner sexually abused her when she was young. He was early 20’s and she was 12-13. She said there were several encounters of touching her and performing oral and obviously she was too young to consent. I showed my partner the messages and he denies it saying she is trying to ruin our relationship. He knows the girl and says she is the younger sister of the girl he once dated. He tells me to block and ignore it as it is untrue but won’t engage in a telephone conversation with the girl to discuss why she would make these false allegations.

Are they all liars because I’m starting to feel suspicious? he seems somewhat uncomfortable when discussing this and something tells me that he is lying to me as he doesn’t wish to confront the so called false accusations with the girl and would rather me just block.

I have never had any issues of sexual nature with him. He has always been respectful in that regard. However he has been physically abusive e.g. throwing things during arguments, hitting me during arguments (but not with excess force), punching walls doors furniture etc

Would you believe his word over theirs? What would you do in my situation if it was your DP, would you investigate further about the girl who’s come forward to me or block her as he says? Would you stay in a relationship with him?

note: these are all historical allegations way before we got together, around 7+ years ago these were reported and nothing since

I've read this right through several times and conclude that you do not intend to leave this man. You will not report him to the police. You will stay and once your child is born a situation will arise when he is angry for what ever reason and violence will occur again. You will be reported by neighbours who hear what is going on and social services will get involved. Your baby will be taken from you. Sadly there isn't a happy ever after for you and your child because you are too stupid to make the right decision and leave. Sorry to be so direct but that is what I see happening because you won't listen to anyone

FFS OP.

Will the OP's partner be checked up on via the midwife/SS? I don't know how it works but surely something should be triggered to alert the right agencies? Sounds like OP isn't capable of making the right decisions for themselves nevermind their baby.

You're jealous of him being "happy with someone else" ?? Seriously??? He's a sex offender, what is wrong with you??

It's not jealousy it's you thinking about what might have been what life should be like if he was a normal decent person Instead of an abuser you have to alter your mindset but that can take awhile and even then you can still feel it I remember feeling irrationally ANGRY that I had to take ds2 to the hospital because ds1 was sick he should have been home in bed asleep with his dad watching over him instead he is "going on an adventure" and sleeping on the bloody floor in the hospital it's been years since we split and the unfairness of it all hits occasionally I don't want him back no way do I! But I want a normal family two parents sharing the load someone to make me a cup of tea and make sure sen ds doesn't destroy the house because I went to the toilet just once I want to breathe take a break but I cannot and the worst thing is even if we had stayed together i would still be doing everything but I would be abused at the same time

Look no educated, intelligent, attractive woman with options is going to put up with a chap with a history of sexual abuse of minors who hits her and breaks furniture while she fields calls from former victims. Paying child support will also put a crimp in his spending ability. I just feel very sad for your child. I suppose you can at least ensure in future that no little girl playmates come over to your house to play.

Why does he persistently apply for jobs which require an enhanced DBS check? Seems like he is trying to get a job in a situation where he has access to children, young people or vulnerable adults.

I know some people have questioned whether this thread is real or not.

I used to work within child protection. You'd be surprised what some women are prepared to risk just to be able to say they've got a boyfriend.

The CP register and LAC system is littered with children like the OP's child whose parents think its unfair.

I have broken up with him but I’m not functioning. Im so depressed and so low. I feel so bored and lonely without him. Any tips on dealing with heartbreak?

Get yourself netflix, watch a series (action ideally, monsters, marital arts, adventures). Then watch another one. Then another one. Maybe take up reading.

Basically, opt out of the real world for a few months :)

I'd also see your gp. They might be able to offer something I'm ways of depression help. Or maybe point you in the direction of a good therapist.

I can’t do that. Nothing can distract me from the pain I’m going through 😢
I’ve already tried to call to say I’ve made the wrong decision and he isn’t having any of it now. I’ve totally screwed this all up by quizzing him on all this 😭

I’ve totally screwed this all up by quizzing him on all this 😭

You need to stop thinking like this and start protecting yourself and your child.

He is not a nice person. He's an abuser. Men like him should be put down.... they're animals.

Why would you want to be with someone who will no doubt physically abuse your child?

I can’t do that. Nothing can distract me from the pain I’m going through 😢
Why are you selling yourself this bullshit?
What's so special about your pain? Almost every adult in the world has a broken love affair, a lost love, a cheating partner ... it happens to nearly everyone.
But here you are, rejecting PP's kind suggestions because you'd rather not even try to get yourself feeling better.

I’ve already tried to call to say I’ve made the wrong decision and he isn’t having any of it now. I’ve totally screwed this all up by quizzing him on all this 😭
Stop fucking wallowing in it.
Why are you chasing a perverted predator & woman beater?
You have a baby to think about, & then a child to raise.

Get some therapy to deal with the fallout of all the DV you witnessed as a child, then get some more therapy to deal with why you are attracted to criminal monsters.
And stay single while you do that. It will make you far, far, happier than pining after some inadequate man. Don't you want to be independent, & happy, & free? All that is within your own control. Do it.

You said your Dad was physically abusive, so you see your relationship as "normal". You go crawling back to him O.P. Let your child see a repetition of a disfunctional relationship, so that they can possibly follow the same abusive pattern.

Might help.

I would suggest that you commit to starting the Freedom Programme. I think that if he has gone for good (please God) it is because you got very close to the truth about him and that isn't something he can tolerate.

Oh OP please don't attempt to win him back.

He's flexing his power over you still.

You need to remove yourself from the situation totally.
It hurts loads.
I've been there, got the T-shirt. But the only thing that saved my sanity and allowed my kids to grow up in a healthier environment was to go totally cold turkey.

People like that don't change but by pleading with him you are weakening your own position.

You've left. Forge forwards. Womens Aid is amazing and will help. Obviously when you're stronger there are specific courses they run - Journey to Freedom being one. They help you identify these types of behaviour and patterns going forward.

I’ve totally screwed this all up by quizzing him on all this

Fuck me. OP unless you stay well away from him you will have social services all over you. Do you understand this? You tick so many safeguarding boxes it’s unreal. Your child could be taken away.

I know someone who stayed with a paedophile who had all her 3 children removed from her care. She kept having babies with him and they were all removed at birth.

Where the fuck are your boundaries? Your baby deserves more than this.

OP - something really really awful happened to you before you met - probably in your childhood for a long time. You are now trauma bonded with this vile man to repeat that pattern.

you should enrol in the freedom programme

for your sake and the sake of your child you need to do a LOT of work on yourself and stay the fuck away from this vile waste of space

I mean the inclination is to go 'suck it up buttercup!' but - just because he's an extra evil fucker with a cherry on top doesn't necessarily mean it's easy for you to walk away when you've had years of mindfuckery from him.

You're still in the fog. Still caught up in the trauma bond.

But stop telling yourself you can't and start telling yourself- I can. One day at a time.

You need to change your internal narrative.
Look in the mirror and say:

• I deserve to live free from unkind people
• I am enough.
• I won't accept bad people in my life.
• I am strong, I am capable, I'm ready to move on to a happy life.

Things like that. Every day.

You could also say- 'right, it's 1pm. Until 3pm I'm going to be doing xyz (something like a task or reading). At 3pm I can think about him. Before 3pm if my mind wanders, I will say aloud - 'it's not 3pm yet so its not time to think about that'. And redirect you attention back to what you were doing.

If you find it difficult to redirect - physically get up and do something - running, dancing, even just making a tea. Focus on your actions. Say 'I am making tea right now so that's all I will think about. Pouring the milk. Stirring the sugar' ect...
Then just 'its not time yet' for any future wanderings. 3pm rolls around. Have 10 minutes thinking IF you need it. Then set the next time. Extend the time period as you go.

(I used the above technique for ocd impulses. But...I mean, intrusive thoughts are intrusive thoughts so, all the same thing really).

It’s not the scenario I question, or the desperation of women to hang on to a man. I’ve worked in the CJS, I’ve locked up thousands of video tapes and DVDs of children’s evidence of CSA, I’ve listened to that evidence in court. I know what men are capable of and what women will overlook.

But this seems too ‘pat’, too carefully calculated to generate maximum froth. But I’ve reported it and MN don’t agree, so therefore of course it must be true…(unfortunately for the women and children in this scenario, if so).

I am a real person and this situation is very real for me. If you knew this guy you’d be shocked too. And unfortunately for me I am in love with this man and very attached to him so finding it hard to let go of all of this.

You know that at absolute best, he is physically abusive, because he's been physically abusive to you.

At worst he is also a sex offender, potentially with offences against children as well as adults.

You have a duty of care to the child you're expecting to not be in a relationship with a man who is at best physically abusive and at worst also sexually abusive.

If you don't end the relationship completely now and for good, your child is going to grow up like you did, thinking it's normal for men to hit women and that women should do as they're told by men.

Co-parenting can be sorted out further down the line, with legal measures put in place to support you and your child to keep you both as protected as possible.

But in the short term, you need to realise (sorry I know this doesn't sound very nice) that every time you call someone who has physically abused you and beg him back, you're letting down your unborn child.

Because you're increasing the likelihood you'll start a relationship with him again. And that increases the likelihood he'll end up getting abused himself / witnessing abuse. And that increases the risk he'll replicate this relationship as an adult himself.

It's time to focus on the baby and not on this man.

And remind yourself that every time you / he / the press use the phrase 'underage girl', the correct term is simply 'child'. He's been accused of child sexual abuse.

You need to leave as he has physically assaulted you
I would believe the allegations