Partner accused of sexual abuse

[Anonuser456]

my partner has allegations of sexual abuse on his DBS in the “other” section so it only shows up on an enhanced check. I found out he has these allegations when he applied for a job a while back and was rejected due to his DBS. I found out he has 3 allegations of sexual abuse; one threatening revenge porn, one sexual assault by touching without consent, and the third was sexual interactions with an underage girl. He denies all allegations stating that the girls were all lying and had just tried to ruin his life. The allegations didn’t go further, all 3 dropped charges instead of going to court, he hasn’t been prosecuted hence why it only shows up on an enhanced check. He is also barred from working with children.

recently, the underage girl who reported him to the police got in touch with me via social media. She said she wanted to let me know that my partner sexually abused her when she was young. He was early 20’s and she was 12-13. She said there were several encounters of touching her and performing oral and obviously she was too young to consent. I showed my partner the messages and he denies it saying she is trying to ruin our relationship. He knows the girl and says she is the younger sister of the girl he once dated. He tells me to block and ignore it as it is untrue but won’t engage in a telephone conversation with the girl to discuss why she would make these false allegations.

Are they all liars because I’m starting to feel suspicious? he seems somewhat uncomfortable when discussing this and something tells me that he is lying to me as he doesn’t wish to confront the so called false accusations with the girl and would rather me just block.

I have never had any issues of sexual nature with him. He has always been respectful in that regard. However he has been physically abusive e.g. throwing things during arguments, hitting me during arguments (but not with excess force), punching walls doors furniture etc

Would you believe his word over theirs? What would you do in my situation if it was your DP, would you investigate further about the girl who’s come forward to me or block her as he says? Would you stay in a relationship with him?

note: these are all historical allegations way before we got together, around 7+ years ago these were reported and nothing since

I have never had any issues of sexual nature with him. He has always been respectful in that regard. However he has been physically abusive e.g. throwing things during arguments, hitting me during arguments (but not with excess force), punching walls doors furniture etc

Can you explain what you mean by "not with excess force" OP?
And what the hell has happened to you in either this relationship or your early life that you would tolerate ANY physical force from a man?

Are they all liars because I’m starting to feel suspicious?
How likely do you think it is that ALL these girls & young women decided to make up false allegations about your partner?

note: these are all historical allegations way before we got together, around 7+ years ago these were reported and nothing since
OP you are desperately looking for a way to make this new information "ok".
I can understand why - it's disturbing & very upsetting, & not something any of us would want to believe about our partners.

But look at the facts.
These allegations exist, they are serious & credible enough to show up on an enhanced DBS, & they are from more than a single source.
You cannot seriously be thinking that it's OK because the last report was 7 years ago? How does time passing make what he has done any less serious?
And you have no idea what he's been doing - who he might have threatened, coerced, or had inappropriate underage relations with in those 7 years.

You seem to think you can brush this under the carpet because you think he's respectful toward YOU sexually. Well he wasn't with at least 3 other girls/women, so how about you focus more on that? He's also NOT physically respectful to you. He's already hit you. Why do you think that's not going to escalate? It will. IT ALWAYS DOES. You seem to be persuading yourself to decide that the courts, & his victims, are liars, so that you can pretend you're with a decent man. You are not, & he will treat you worse & worse the longer you stay.

Not with excess force I mean it doesn’t hurt too badly, it does hurt but doesn’t leave any bruising if that makes sense, so it’s basically just minor. He tells me I provoked him which is why he hit me. So I just apologise for making him angry. Also if he breaks an item of furniture he says “look what you made me do” so it is usually my fault.

and you’re right I have now realised that 3 people are probably not liars. and I was stupid to believe him in that sense

OP, he is not going to have his happy ever after. You can, if you leave him. You and your son can have your happy ever after, safe and far away from him.❤️

Not with excess force I mean it doesn’t hurt too badly, it does hurt but doesn’t leave any bruising if that makes sense, so it’s basically just minor. He tells me I provoked him which is why he hit me. So I just apologise for making him angry. Also if he breaks an item of furniture he says “look what you made me do” so it is usually my fault.
NO level of pushing, hitting, punching walls or breaking things is ok.
This is not minor.
Abusers ALWAYS tell their victims it is their own fault. They all use the same Script.

and you’re right I have now realised that 3 people are probably not liars. and I was stupid to believe him in that sense
You've been conditioned to accept poor behaviour due to your own upbringing.
That's not your fault, & there are steps you can take to recover from it, & learn how to improve your self-esteem, recognise red flags, & set enforceable boundaries.

Ditch this guy - safely - & do The Freedom Programme.

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/women-leave/

He tells me I provoked him which is why he hit me.

What happens when your son makes him angry?

Children being children don't always behave as adults want them to.

Do you want your child to be hit, have their toys destroyed and worse as punishment because he was provoked?

If you cannot leave him to protect yourself leave now to protect your child. Your child deserves to be brought up in a happy, safe and healthy environment.

So if I was your friend and we decided to be flatmates and one day when living together, I suddenly started breaking things, my phone, your coffee table ect... and then I said it was your fault because you made me angry - what would you say?

I'm guessing: 'what the fuck are you talking about you total lunatic?! Stop breaking my shit! I'm moving out!'

Why on earth is this any different? Why would someone breaking things be 'your fault'?

If I stab a cat and then say 'look what you made me do?' does that mean you made me do it? Of course not.

Abusers blame victims. To control them. To make you think you can change you to change them. It's all a big trap. A lie they want you to believe.

@Anonuser456 I couldn't read and not post.

Aside from the three allegations of sexual assault - he hits you. Why would you want to be with someone who thinks so little of you? That isn't a loving relationship. People NEVER hit people they love. The first time he hit you, you should have walked away and never looked back.

On top of that, of course he is guilty of the SA offences. Why would THREE separate women complain about him? Can you see that the chances of three separate people making allegations that aren't true is just not remotely likely? And even if they 'made it up' - why would they do that? What would someone have to do to you to make you so angry that you would make up such a thing? Not just one person but three? What would these people have to gain from making up their allegations? Why would they want to hurt him if he did nothing wrong? Surely you can see that logically their allegations are almost certainly true.

You say you don't believe he abused a child as he seems too decent. Yet you know he hits you, so you know he isn't decent. Other people might not beleive he hits you, but that doesn't mean it doesn't happen. You know it happens but that he can also appear very nice from the outside. So you have no reason at all to believe him over the woman he abused as a child. (and by the way, even if you think he may have abused a child years ago, and wouldn't do it now, could you honestly stay with someone who had done that EVER?)

You talked about waiting to see if they are true and wanting to leave him but sitting on the fence until you know. Why are you waiting? If you want to leave someone, you leave them. You don't need their permission or agreement or a specific reason even to leave. Wanting to leave is the only reason you need to leave.

The very best thing you can do for you and your child is to leave him and never look back. I wouldn't trust this violent, lying, absuve man anywhere near my child.

Ohhh. This made my heart sink. Please be categorically reassured beyond a shadow of a doubt that most men DO NOT EVER even think about hitting their partner. No ifs. No buts. No reasoning. * *

he says not to use dbs thing against him. That all cases were closed and he wasn’t convincted so it’s all made up. He says they’re just out to ruin his life and I’m an idiot to believe them. He said if I tell anyone about this no one would ever believe them anyway cos they know that he’s a “good person” and would never do such a thing. He said there’s no evidence. He shouts at me when I bring it up. Genuinely don’t know what to believe anymore 😞

I'm sorry, but don't be so stupid. Wake up and smell the coffee.

Focus on what you can prove.
He hits you. That's a fact and a reason you should leave.

Good men don't hit women. It is not normal for men to hit their wives or girlfriends.

Lack of conviction does not equal innocent. Sexual assault convictions are notoriously low in comparison to the number of cases.
He certainly isnt innocent of assaulting you. You arent lying about that so I can pretty much guarantee that the other women who have come forward about him arent lying either.
You've got to leave this bloke, honestly.

He says, he says, he says.

I expect he also says he doesn't hit you.
Or if he did, he didn't mean to.
Or if he did mean to, it wasn't hard enough to leave evidence bruising.
Or if it did, you made him do it, & it's all your fault.
And if you want to be not hit, you need to shut up & never challenge him.

Yep.

have you heard of Claires law

Once is bad luck to have a malicious accuser but three accusers and all for the same offence! What are the odds against that?

Technically, your "dp" may not be a paedophile as they target pre-pubescent girls rather than say 12 year olds. However, he is a predator. People who commit these offences do tend to have a high recidivism rate so in all likelihood he will or has already offended again.

As for saying if you tell anyone about this no one would ever believe you because they know that he’s a “good person” and would never do such a thing, who cares? These people can be very convincing because otherwise they wouldn't have the opportunity to get to young children. They're not strange old men in macs. I bet his friends if they did know wouldn't be too happy with him being around their young children. ,

Leaving aside the sex abuse claims, do you want your son to be brought up in an environment where it is perfectly acceptable for dad to hit mum or break furniture in an argument? I think it would be terrifying for a child.

I hope you make the right choice and good luck with your baby. I would give the baby your name and do not let your dp con you into going along with putting his name down as the father. (As you are not married he'd have to go along with you to put his name down.) It doesn't stop you claiming maintenance for the child.

eh? 'Technically' 12 is underage and counts as paedophilia surely

I am not sure if what im reading is real but in all my time on MN I've never read anything so wild. OP it sounds like you're still talking to him. Stop talking to him. Stop all communication. He is a violent paedophiliac, and ABSOLUTELY do NOT put him on the birth certificate. If you do that he can claim rights over your child. What you choose to put up with is your own business, don't sign your kid up for it.

I seriously didn’t see my situation as that bad, I just thought I was in a bit of dilemma and never expected to have this reaction. I thought maybe people would agree that he could be innocent until proven guilty. But yes my situation is very true despite what others are saying. Yes I’m still talking to him because I’m trying to break up whilst try to get some truth out of him. He is utterly convinced that the dbs offences are untrue and all lies and shouts me down every time I try to bring it up or explore it. I almost feel like I am being gaslighted as he turns to me and says what sort of partner are you if you would question me about this without any evidence etc and doesn’t really give me a chance to discuss it properly

Of course 12 is definitely underage but the definition of paedophile refers to pre-pubescent victims and a 12 year old girl is likely to be going through puberty. I am not meaning in way to suggest this is acceptable behaviour or that people wouldn't be sickened by a 20 year old man behaving like this with a 12 year old

Well you feel gaslighted because he is gaslighting you.

You can break up without having to discuss the whys op. You don't need to hear anymore (lies) from him. If you keep trying to talk about it with him he is only going to turn your brain to mush.

STOP trying to discuss it. Get away from him. Save yourself.

and says what sort of partner are you if you would question me about this without any evidence

Without evidence 😂😡

You have evidence that THREE SEPARATE girls/women have accused him of sexual assault.
You have evidence that he threatens women with violence by smashing things & punching walls to scare them into backing down.
You have evidence that he hits women.

Why are you hanging around listening to him spout more hot air at you?
Get away from this man - NOW.

And once you are somewhere he cannot get to you, buy yourself a present - you need this book very much, but HE must never see it -
www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=

Then book yourself onto this course - you can do it online now - www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

Also you don't have to justify leaving him. The only reason you need to leave someone is wanting to leave them. You also don't need permission to leave. A relationship ends when one person wants to end it.

You're not going to get the truth put of him or get him to admit to anything.

Don't bother trying.

There are lots and lots of unprosecuted sexual offences; Ian Huntley had a list of them on his record. He wasn't convicted of any of them.

They're on his record.

That means the police and legal system thought they needed to go on his record .... Regardless of whether they were prosecuted or proven or not.

He hits you.

He blames you for hitting you

Oldest line in the book.

Would he take it from you if you hit him and said "well you drive me to it, you really annoyed me"
So why are you supposed to take it from him.why is anyone.

He'll probably hit your child too.

I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him.