Genuinely confused about what to do - dating

[Givinguponthissituation]

i (40) started seeing a man (48) at the beginning of September. We both have very busy jobs and divorced with DC and live two hours away from each other but both work in London.

At the beginning of dating we had quite an intense experience - seeing each other 2-3 times a week and going away together for 5 days (i went on a work trip and he opted to come with me - he owns his own business) where we first slept together. We both agreed it was wonderful, we got close, loved being together etc, not easy to stay in a hotel room for 5 days with someone you don’t know well etc. He told me he thought he “could really fall for me.”

he warned me in mid-nov that the lead up to Christmas would be crazy busy for him and he’d be less available. I assumed we would snatch time when we could but it did not work out like that. He was in London frequently going to various work related events and saying he would call / text when he had finished but then texting late and saying he was heading home. His DC also got quite ill with bugs (as did everyone) and so he stopped coming into London and worked from home. He was also not particularly consistent with contact. It averaged a few whatsapps every other day and a call 2-3 times a week. I would have liked more but did not over - text and took his lead.

i naturallly withdrew over this period as I took it to mean he was not as into me as I was into him (I certainly would have made the space and effort if I really liked someone.) When I initially withdrew he got upset and called and texted me a series of times telling me it was just difficult during this period and we would see each other a lot in the new year.

there we’re two events over the last two weeks that he said he’d see me after (both ended at 9/10 at night) but he went home instead and texted me. One of them he apparently thought it was too late (the event had gone on until 11.30) and the other he had to get home to look after his DC who were off school with illness the next day. He very much left me to draw conclusions of my own rather than be specific. For eg the first event, I had got dressed up and was waiting by the phone at 9.30 for him to call to say where to meet. Instead he texted at 11.30 saying his event had gone on longer and he was on his way home. No call or anything.

I withdrew again as I felt if he really wanted to see me he would have made the effort.

after 2 days of not responding to his contact with me, he sent me an email and a text. In the email were two tickets to NYC on 22jan and a hotel booking, and the text said the following:

I’m really sorry about the last few weeks. I don’t mean to give mixed messages.
I have an idea what you’re thinking but it’s not true. Work has been frantic, always is at this time as I’m sure it is with you. You are on my mind a lot, and when we speak and I see you it reminds me how much I miss time together. The new year will bring us more time. Xxx

this week I have been away in France with DC and he and I have had balanced, contact. It is not enough for me as it is but the future promise of “next year” keeps me hopeful. I don’t know what to think. Every time I bring it up or give him a chance to get out of it, he insists he doesn’t want that, or. Says something like “please don’t dump me for what I can’t control.”

what do you all think?

I would not do any of this back and forth, and would simply say "sorry this doesn't work for me, goodbye and good luck".

Leaving you waiting by the phone is the height of rudeness and honestly you don't do that to the woman you are supposedly "falling for".

Two scenarios here : he will either really take you to New York (unlikely) and then continue his shitty behaviour or (more likely) something will come up.

No one is ever so busy that they can't text you while at the event telling you he can't do.

It would be a goodbye from me

He can control his contact with you and he really isn't making an effort to give you timely communication, especially when he knows you are waiting for him. Why didn't he call you at 9.30 to let you know that it wasn't finished and update you throughout? Work is difficult when you are self-employed, but he knew you were expecting a call and instead, like a coward, contacted you on his way home. I could never treat someone with such disdain. Do nor wait around for this one. Now he's baiting you with a prize because he knows you are withholding. Everything is on his terms. Could you live with that?

So in September he could just take 5 days off to go on a trip with you but now work is so manic that he can’t even send you a quick message? Nah, I don’t buy into that and I don’t think you do either.

It takes seconds to send a text. To let you get dressed up for a night out and then not contact you until 11.30 is bloody mean and utterly thoughtless.

I think he enjoyed the thrill of the chase and now he’s cooling off. He has been trying to see how much you’ll tolerate and has picked up on the fact that you’re rightly holding back and, as a previous poster has said, he’s now dangling the carrot of NYC in front of you to try and keep you sweet and draw you back in.

I think you have different expectations and it all sounds too much like hard work to me.

Could he still be married OP? Either that or he is breadcrumbing and you are last on his list of priorities. If a man wants to see you he will make the time. Next!

Honestly.....you sound a bit hard work/needy/too high an expectation OP?

He warned you he would be busy.....he has been

You know he has children and they've been unwell and he has taken time to care for them and prioritised them over you as you would your own children over him (hopefully!)

So if he had dropped his kids to see you you'd have posters shouting red flags everywhere

You're "withdrawing" and ignoring his messages for 2 days sounds quite manipulative?

The not messaging until 11.30, knowing you were waiting to meet from 9.30, would be the dealbreaker for me. Fine if he's busy or can't make dates with you, but that's in another league. Unforgivably disrespectful and you know that already. Sorry, OP, not what you want to hear but he's not one of the good ones.

Apart from not letting you know he couldn’t come over he’s not done anything wrong? You’ve only been dating for 3 months! I think you need to chill out to be honest. You be spent a lot of time together and he warned you Christmas would be busy. It’s never a good idea to get too invested in a person you’re dating so soon, it takes months to get to know someone properly and you should protect yourself emotionally in that time.When you’ve backed off he’s contacted yoy & expressed concern so I’d say he’s definitely into you.
Give him some space, but don’t play games it’s just stupid. Tell him it upset you that he didn’t come over (he was wrong to not let you know) but otherwise it’s such early days and you are being very needy. Go to New York! See how it goes in the new year but in the meantime just protect your emotions - you can’t ask him to do that, you have to!

I think he sounds fair. He was honest about having a lot on and he has to put his poorly kids first. You aren’t in a serious relationship yet and you don’t know what’s going on in his personal life.

I’d go to NYC but take things slowly and make sure you have a lot going on in your own life, too. Don’t wait by the phone. If that’s not for you, and you want a serious, committed relationship, talk to him to see if it’s a possibility. It doesn’t sound like he’s got the time for that at the moment, though, from what you’ve said

I have an idea what you’re thinking but it’s not true.

Still married?

I'd say married!

Regardless of the intricacies, all I would say is that after 12 weeks, dating should not be giving you this much angst.

The mistake in the above was letting him stay with you for 5 nights. It was too soon for that and that has led you to develop feelings much more quickly than you perhaps would have normally. Situations are now hurting you when it should still be early stage Giddiness.

I'd be thinking married or has a partner.

Sounds like he could still be married/in a relationship with someone else and therefore can only see you when he has work trips planned.

Or he simply is stringing you along so he can get sex whenever convenient for him.

Whatever the reason, this sounds way too complicated and stressful, so end it and focus on finding on someone who makes you a priority in his life.

Are you completely sure he is divorced? You deserve better than this

A few things look dodgy here.

He can’t even text you to say he won’t be meeting you. I absolutely refuse to believe anybody is too busy to send a text message, it takes 30 seconds.

his line about ‘I know what you’re thinking but it’s not true.’ In my experience, people who say that are projecting massively, which is never a good thing, regardless of what ever you’re thinking or not thinking, or whether what he’s thinking you’re thinking is true or not.

Big gestures like tickets to New York after a sustained period of messing you around just scream trying to reel you back in, as if waving something shiny in front of your face will persuade you after he’s treated you like crap and you’ve sensibly backed off.

One of these things in isolation could possibl be a blip, but this man seems to have a lot of blips, and they all point to him potentially, probably, becoming a serious problem. The great news for you, however is that your red flag radar is working fine, so congratulate yourself on spotting a wrongun in time, commiserate with yourself that he’s not who you wanted him to be, and move on.

I would hang in there and see what January brings. I’ve recently started dating someone who has their kids 100% and has just moved house so is super busy. It’s not serious yet, but I think it could be. Does it annoy me some days he doesn’t reply to messages for ages or not at all? Yes. But I’m trying to just be patient and see what happens. The not texting when he’s supposed to be meeting you would really annoy me. I’d want to be sure he’s definitely single.

I don't think he's married or has a partner, there's definitely signs that he's not that into you though. If he was, he wouldn't risk losing you, especially when he "knows what your thinking but it isn't true"

But it's only been a couple of months, and if he is genuinely busy then he may well be more interested in the new year. 🤷‍♀️

I would have dumped him when he stood me up at 9.30 with no good reason.

Homeboy is married, wife is off work and around too much during xmas. Texting late at night is a classic.
No matter how busy he could have texted you more often it only takes a few seconds. It's that his wife is around and he doesn't have enough privacy to talk properly without raising her suspescions. It's hard juggling a secret affair. He might have to go elsewhere or go through elaborate work to dig his affair phone. You might not be his only affair either.

It all seems very on his terms (including the trip in the NY) but at the same time, it has only 12 weeks... It is very early days, really. I would probably consider giving it one more chance in the NY. But I think a trip to NYC is a bit OTT given you've barely seen or spoken to each other since your last trip.

There's a fair bit to unpack here...

Busy December - some industries it's like that - my own area is like that and you bounce between long intensive days and attending end of year functions

Sick children - that could have been warned earlier and inexcusable to message so late

Function over-running - I go to a fair few at this time of year - balls, cocktail receptions and the like. If before you go you expect it to end at 10 then you can leave then - leaving late is down to him. It is entirely unfair to leave you standing.

I think in your shoes I would ask for a casual meeting and lay down the law i.e I'm not here at your beck and call and if your behaviour does not immediately be more considerate then we are done. You can decide on NY after that

Trip to NYC because it's an affair. It's safer for him to be far far away. Normal couples don't go on big trips at 3 months. 5 days is such a business trip amount of days as well.
He can get more handsy and comfy with PDAs.
Notice how even the OP's location is far from his home.

First thought from reading that is he is still married

They may be genuine reasons he had that things cropped up but it doesn't work for you. It's probably going to continue to be a theme of something always comes up. See how it goes in the new year and you'll soon find out.

The big gesture of whisking you off to NYC feels very manipulative. He can't give you the common decency of a text when you're waiting around for him, but you couldn't possibly be mad at him when he's made such a generous and romantic gesture! 🙄

The "please don't dump me for what I can't control" also feels very manipulative. Again, in a round about way he's telling you not to be mad at him.

I think you'd be saving yourself a lot of headache and grief to call it a day on this one. I predict this behaviour will continue, but there'll always be a big gesture round the corner to keep you sweet.

He told you in advance he was going to be busy. Everyone is at this time of year.

He sounds like he’s being upfront and open with you so see what the new year brings when the madness of the festive period is over and if he’s still flakey or not meeting your needs, then you have your answer.

Now isn’t the time to wonder how into you he is.