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Original poster

Genuinely confused about what to do - dating

289 replies

Givinguponthissituation · 24/12/2022 06:55

i (40) started seeing a man (48) at the beginning of September. We both have very busy jobs and divorced with DC and live two hours away from each other but both work in London.

At the beginning of dating we had quite an intense experience - seeing each other 2-3 times a week and going away together for 5 days (i went on a work trip and he opted to come with me - he owns his own business) where we first slept together. We both agreed it was wonderful, we got close, loved being together etc, not easy to stay in a hotel room for 5 days with someone you don’t know well etc. He told me he thought he “could really fall for me.”

he warned me in mid-nov that the lead up to Christmas would be crazy busy for him and he’d be less available. I assumed we would snatch time when we could but it did not work out like that. He was in London frequently going to various work related events and saying he would call / text when he had finished but then texting late and saying he was heading home. His DC also got quite ill with bugs (as did everyone) and so he stopped coming into London and worked from home. He was also not particularly consistent with contact. It averaged a few whatsapps every other day and a call 2-3 times a week. I would have liked more but did not over - text and took his lead.

i naturallly withdrew over this period as I took it to mean he was not as into me as I was into him (I certainly would have made the space and effort if I really liked someone.) When I initially withdrew he got upset and called and texted me a series of times telling me it was just difficult during this period and we would see each other a lot in the new year.

there we’re two events over the last two weeks that he said he’d see me after (both ended at 9/10 at night) but he went home instead and texted me. One of them he apparently thought it was too late (the event had gone on until 11.30) and the other he had to get home to look after his DC who were off school with illness the next day. He very much left me to draw conclusions of my own rather than be specific. For eg the first event, I had got dressed up and was waiting by the phone at 9.30 for him to call to say where to meet. Instead he texted at 11.30 saying his event had gone on longer and he was on his way home. No call or anything.

I withdrew again as I felt if he really wanted to see me he would have made the effort.

after 2 days of not responding to his contact with me, he sent me an email and a text. In the email were two tickets to NYC on 22jan and a hotel booking, and the text said the following:

I’m really sorry about the last few weeks. I don’t mean to give mixed messages.
I have an idea what you’re thinking but it’s not true. Work has been frantic, always is at this time as I’m sure it is with you. You are on my mind a lot, and when we speak and I see you it reminds me how much I miss time together. The new year will bring us more time. Xxx

this week I have been away in France with DC and he and I have had balanced, contact. It is not enough for me as it is but the future promise of “next year” keeps me hopeful. I don’t know what to think. Every time I bring it up or give him a chance to get out of it, he insists he doesn’t want that, or. Says something like “please don’t dump me for what I can’t control.”

what do you all think?

OP posts:
ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 27/12/2022 04:35

Trust me, he's married.

Remona · 27/12/2022 06:55

I was on the fence about this before, but the more you say the more it sounds like he's married. I'm sorry, OP. For every time he's used "the kids" as an excuse, read "wife".

To treat you like that on Boxing Day was absolutely unforgiveable. Something supposedly cropped up with "the kids" so he couldn't call but it was quite alright for you to take an hour out of YOUR Boxing Day with YOUR kids to walk in the freezing cold waiting for a call that never came. That call wasn't for a catch up either, that's a red herring, it was to pick your brains professionally. The man is a first class arsehole.

New York is very obviously a business trip for him, hence why he seemingly just booked it, set dates, you weren't consulted etc. He can't manage a 30 minute telephone call because of "his kids" but you're expected to just take a week off at the drop of a hat. What about your work and DC? It's not a romantic trip which is what he's trying to sell it as. The reason he mentioned looking up things to do is because if you go, and it's a big if because you'd be a fool to even consider it, you'll be doing these things on your own because he would be in meetings/working.

That's twice now he's let you down massively on top of everything else. You are the OW and he's treating you like shit whilst dangling the carrot of NYC in front of you. Christ, he's an absolute prick. Be angry, OP, because you should be.

Billslills · 27/12/2022 09:41

I’m done with him, on your behalf 😂

But seriously, your latest update is shocking. Even if something came up and he couldn’t get a spare moment without the kids, he still could’ve rung and chatted for a few minutes to explain.

I do also think there’s a very good chance he’s married but regardless, don’t tolerate such appalling and selfish behaviour this early on.

This is a red flag, being waved right in your face!

pigwood · 27/12/2022 09:45

It sounds like he's married. You are the bit on the side I'm afraid OP

Theonlywayisup1 · 27/12/2022 10:01

He sounds like me OP. I’ve just started seeing someone, communicated to him I would I be very busy over the Christmas period. He hasn’t thrown his dummy out when low and behold, I was actually busy! I own my own business too and have a child. I am not married, doing anything shady, playing games, or not interested. I am, like I said I would be, busy! I think it’s great he has his own full life, and I see that he is trying to tell you he is into you. I think you sound like you need to have a little more in your own life and not waiting around for someone who you knew would have prior arrangements in the busiest time of the year for most.

AreWeThereYet69 · 27/12/2022 10:05

That is so disrespectful. At a bare minimum he could have contacted you at the arranged time and had a brief chat.
Sorry, but I'd be done after that

tyipat · 27/12/2022 10:17

Even if he isn't married (which I suspect he is), this would be a red flag for how he might treat you in a relationship. He made an arrangement and he left you hanging. This is how much regard he gives you. Sorry OP. I suspect he is married and NY is a business trip too

category12 · 27/12/2022 10:22

Theonlywayisup1 · 27/12/2022 10:01

He sounds like me OP. I’ve just started seeing someone, communicated to him I would I be very busy over the Christmas period. He hasn’t thrown his dummy out when low and behold, I was actually busy! I own my own business too and have a child. I am not married, doing anything shady, playing games, or not interested. I am, like I said I would be, busy! I think it’s great he has his own full life, and I see that he is trying to tell you he is into you. I think you sound like you need to have a little more in your own life and not waiting around for someone who you knew would have prior arrangements in the busiest time of the year for most.

It's not OK to ask her to be available for a call where she has to walk half an hour to get signal, then not bother calling her at the prearranged time.

That's not BUSY, that's fucking rude. It's treating her time & effort as worthless.

Boomboom22 · 27/12/2022 10:23

It's not the being busy It's the constant standing up and disappearing acts when plans have been made. Seems married.

Original poster
Givinguponthissituation · 27/12/2022 10:24

Thank you for all your replies, I totally feel the same. The cognitive dissonance he creates is quite astounding and I am trying to unstick my mind around it. In the 48 hours before "the call" he was in constant touch. It was "our call today" this and "new york next month" that and "when you get back tomorrow" the other.

Then the actual call time rolls around and I am chasing him and he's MIA with excuses about DC. And then nothing! Not last night or this morning. I also believe he must be married - thank you for telling me that early on. The other irony is that the "work advice" thing was actually something he directly requested from me: he had asked me if I could nominate him to be on the board of one of the subsidiary companies of the one of I work for (this would be prestigious in the industry he works in). This is a huge deal, something only I could nominate/grant and I said we could talk about it today. I find it so strange he would directly ask for it, I would be positive, and he would just not make the call without explanation. Surely there is a basic human principle at play here, if you really want something!

Haven't made up my mind yet whether to block/ignore now or wait til he creeps back then give him a piece of my mind.

OP posts:
napody · 27/12/2022 10:28

Givinguponthissituation · 27/12/2022 10:24

Thank you for all your replies, I totally feel the same. The cognitive dissonance he creates is quite astounding and I am trying to unstick my mind around it. In the 48 hours before "the call" he was in constant touch. It was "our call today" this and "new york next month" that and "when you get back tomorrow" the other.

Then the actual call time rolls around and I am chasing him and he's MIA with excuses about DC. And then nothing! Not last night or this morning. I also believe he must be married - thank you for telling me that early on. The other irony is that the "work advice" thing was actually something he directly requested from me: he had asked me if I could nominate him to be on the board of one of the subsidiary companies of the one of I work for (this would be prestigious in the industry he works in). This is a huge deal, something only I could nominate/grant and I said we could talk about it today. I find it so strange he would directly ask for it, I would be positive, and he would just not make the call without explanation. Surely there is a basic human principle at play here, if you really want something!

Haven't made up my mind yet whether to block/ignore now or wait til he creeps back then give him a piece of my mind.

Your update honestly had me open mouthed. What a shameless user. Honestly you deserve better than this weasel. I would block now... don't give him the satisfaction of 'getting round you' again... he clearly thinks you'll put up with any old shit.

category12 · 27/12/2022 10:29

Givinguponthissituation · 27/12/2022 10:24

Thank you for all your replies, I totally feel the same. The cognitive dissonance he creates is quite astounding and I am trying to unstick my mind around it. In the 48 hours before "the call" he was in constant touch. It was "our call today" this and "new york next month" that and "when you get back tomorrow" the other.

Then the actual call time rolls around and I am chasing him and he's MIA with excuses about DC. And then nothing! Not last night or this morning. I also believe he must be married - thank you for telling me that early on. The other irony is that the "work advice" thing was actually something he directly requested from me: he had asked me if I could nominate him to be on the board of one of the subsidiary companies of the one of I work for (this would be prestigious in the industry he works in). This is a huge deal, something only I could nominate/grant and I said we could talk about it today. I find it so strange he would directly ask for it, I would be positive, and he would just not make the call without explanation. Surely there is a basic human principle at play here, if you really want something!

Haven't made up my mind yet whether to block/ignore now or wait til he creeps back then give him a piece of my mind.

Seriously?

What a user.

Just block him.

Remona · 27/12/2022 10:31

he had asked me if I could nominate him to be on the board of one of the subsidiary companies of the one of I work for (this would be prestigious in the industry he works in). This is a huge deal, something only I could nominate/grant and I said we could talk about it today.

Ah, and there we have the truth of the matter. What’s the betting that once you got this prestigious position for him, you wouldn’t see him for dust.

It gets worse with every post. He’s an inconsiderate, underhand prick. Do NOT nominate him for anything. Small wonder he’s trying to keep you sweet.

napody · 27/12/2022 10:32

And I hope you're in a position to vote down his nomination in future if he ever gets some other sucker person to nominate him?

Theonlywayisup1 · 27/12/2022 10:34

Sorry OP, after reading your update regarding a work offer he has asked for, I doubt his intentions are honourable. There really are some shits out there

Clymene · 27/12/2022 10:38

I'm guessing there was some situation with his wife which made it difficult to call you yesterday.

@Theonlywayisup1 - being self employed is no excuse for being rude and so disrespectful of other people's time and professional advice. I hope you don't behave like this - not a great trait in building business loyalty.

yellowsmileyface · 27/12/2022 10:40

As tempting as it is to give him a piece of your mind, I'd just block him now so you can start moving on. Otherwise you're still in a position where you're waiting to hear from him.

2021mumma · 27/12/2022 10:42

I was going to say give him the benefit of the doubt until I read your last post.

He sounds like a user.

Reindeersnooker · 27/12/2022 10:44

I also think he sounds married.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 27/12/2022 10:50

I’m sorry
im another one who since last update thinks married

VisaGeezer · 27/12/2022 11:01

What a user.

It sounds like he used you for sex.

Then he realised he could use you for career advancement and is trying to use you for that.

But (unbelievably) he's so flaky that he can't even keep polite, decent contact going long enough to achieve that.

He sounds all over the place. There's something going on with him.

There are clearly reasons he "can't" even stick to arrangements that are in his interest ... wife, coke habit (??)

VisaGeezer · 27/12/2022 11:04

You've got to be a particular kind of stupid & flaky to treat someone who could do you a big favour professionally (and therefore financially) so cavalierly and rudely.

Theres definitely something going on with him.

I presume he thought since you've stayed on the hook all through the previous cancellations and flakes, that he'd get away with it again .... Dumb and immature.

VisaGeezer · 27/12/2022 11:05

In a way though it's a good thing he's so flaky even when trying to use someone..... Otherwise you could have been thinking you were in a lovely promising relationship and then he'd have ghosted/flaked when he got his nomination.

VisaGeezer · 27/12/2022 11:08

I think if you did the kind of research (electoral role, land registry, 192 people, social media, going through his phone if you had the opportunity) that women on here have been forced to do ....you'd discover some enlightening info.

Remona · 27/12/2022 11:11

VisaGeezer · 27/12/2022 11:05

In a way though it's a good thing he's so flaky even when trying to use someone..... Otherwise you could have been thinking you were in a lovely promising relationship and then he'd have ghosted/flaked when he got his nomination.

I agree with this. He’s done you a MASSIVE favour.

You’ve now seen through his BS BEFORE he gets the position he’s after.

Call me an old cynic, but I can’t help but wonder if he actually sought you out at the start knowing what you could provide🤔

What a user 😡