Fight turned physical, can we salvage this?

[Ineedausername2]

We have been married 6 months, living together about 5 in total. No kids together, but several children between us who are all very close to us both and settled living with us.

we have been having a rough patch lately, I feel unappreciated and he feels I’m constantly having a go and that he’s forced into apologising because I push him to take the blame for things. I try and say how I feel, but he feels I’m twisting things when I do this, and so communication has stalled. That said, we love each other very much and are incredibly happy the majority of the time.

this morning we had another argument - we had a babysitter booked so we could go on a (rare) date, but he was wanted to cancel and I said I felt un important because of this. He feels he is showing me I’m important as we are going on holiday for my birthday and so we don’t need a date too. He started getting angry with me, saying he couldn’t say anything right and in frustration I pushed a load of laundry off the side and a bag of Christmas presents I’d wrapped went with it. I was COMPLETELY out of order, i acted in frustration and I very much need to address this as it isn’t the way I want to behave or should have. I’m not ignoring my huge part in this, I promise.

in return though, DH sort of picked me up by my hoody at the neck and pushed me. I was shouting “what are you doing?” Which he has now said was me manipulating the situation to make it sound worse than it was. I was in complete shock and just stood there crying, he was incredibly angry saying I had broke him.

i went out to the car where one of our kids was waiting and had seen me be pushed up against the glass of the patio door, and reassured them
i was okay. I then went back in the house and DH said I should leave as he wanted to stab me. He then hugged me and said I’d made him the bad guy again, he had never hurt a woman ever and he wasn’t pushing me he was moving me out the way to stop me trashing the house.

it sounds horrendous on paper, I get that. Neither of us come off well, but I had no idea it was going to escalate when I pushed the laundry off the side. We are normally so happy, I love him. He loves me. I took our kids to the cinema, and he messaged to say he loved me. I’ve come home and we are clearly not talking properly but are being polite to each other.

i don’t know how to fix this. It it was my daughter I’d want her to leave, if it was my son I’d be so disappointed and angry in him. Is there any way back from this? I realise most people will say I need to leave, but god, I really don’t want to. I love him and we have this perfect life and the kids would be devestated. I can’t believe I’m writing this.

Nope. Telling a woman it's safe for her to stay in a relationship with a man who has grabbed her by the neck (via her clothing) and has said he wants to stab her, suggesting that she bears some responsibility and that this sounds loving is wrong. It's not a matter of opinion.

I can't believe there's apparently a second adult on the thread who claims not to know this.

Hopefully MN admin will pull their finger out and remove the abuse apologists.

I should have left when she cheated on me
I should have left the second time
I should have left when she started throwing things at me
And when she threatened to hit me numerous times.
I should have left when she threatened to stab me
I should have left when she physically abused my 2 yr old daughter
I should have left when she tried killing herself 5 times over 4 years
I should have left after years of alcoholism
I did eventually leave after another suicide attempt that was discovered by my 7 year old daughter (on her own, I was away) because of another affair that broke down.

Anything could have happened to me or my daughter. I left it too long and risked us both. You should leave (and stay left) for you and your kid's sake. Stay safe.

I'm going to track back to the issue in the first place, where he wanted to cancel a rare date night because you have a hol for your birthday- when is that? So I get youre upset on that. Is money a worry? Affording both an issue? Or does he just not want to go on a date with you? There is something other wrong if the latter is true. Also, does he go out on his own without you, and do you get to go out as much as he does?

Op report this to the police. The incident plus the trauma from his forces and army work. He has knowledge about how to hurt and seems unhinged. Also mention feeling unsafe when your back is turned.

I’m still here, I have had an hours sleep but am back reading as my head is just broken.

I know that unless he recognises how wrong today was that he can’t come home - even if it’s PTSD. I was so in the wrong, I can’t throw things around, but he can’t ever hurt me and threaten me. He just can’t. I’m more upset about him threatening to stab me, that feels more serious than him actually hurting me? I can see he sort of went into autopilot with how he picked me up, but that’s not okay and I’d be gutted if it was our daughters.

I had wondered if he was worried about money - we sold out businesses a few years ago, and have only recently both returned to work after a few years off. We don’t need the money, we have savings, but it’s focussed him more on earning again if that makes sense?

im gutted its Christmas Eve, I want him to come home, but he can’t unless he even starts to recognise and admit he was out of order. We can’t even start to process this because we can’t even get over that first hurdle.

I honestly think he has detached now, so the danger has gone. He’s switched off from us - he was dangerous earlier and I was scared, but now he’s gone and he’s closed off from me I genuinely think we are okay. I don’t think I’m being naive - I know him, he might of lashed out but he’s not calculating. I really do think the danger has passed.

Sorry my point about how he’s worried about money was in reply to you. We really don’t need the money - we have 6 holidays booked this year for example, but we both went back to work recently and our focus has been shifted on what’s coming in, so it’s possible this is in the back of his mind.

I think he didn’t want to go on the date as he couldn’t be arsed! In his head we had this mini break for new year so we would spend time together then and so didn’t need to do it yesterday as well. he doesn’t really understand me saying i don’t feel appreciated. He said I have never wanted for anything, but I have tried to say that spending money is easy - to take the time instead is what makes me feel important to him. He adores me, he truly does, but he likes to throw money at a situation to fix it and I think I push him to the point where he doesn’t understand why I’m upset.

Right. And did you also “know him” well enough to predict that he was going assault and threaten to stab you??

You are minimising OP and you still sound like you’re searching for a way to have him home. I know you're scared of the unknown but aren't you infinitely more scared about your kids living in this household with the threat of violence hanging over you all?

You need to call the police. For your safety and that of your children.

If you do take him back, what do you plan to tell social services when one of the children makes a disclosure and the authorities want to know why you have allowed this man - who’s not even their dad - to continue to live with them?

I’m not trying to upset you but you don’t seem to have a clue how serious this is.

He is calculating though. He was telling you to stop overreacting whilst literally assaulting you. And telling you you wouldn't be believed if you went to the police. He couldn't be more calculating.

There should NEVER be danger from a partner. People who make you feel at risk belong nowhere near you. Tbh, it would even be fair to say he belongs in jail, he assaulted you and then threatened to stab you. If some nutter off the street did that would you be going 'oh but they've calmed down now so it's fine'. Would you buggery.

Don't make excuses for violent men.
He could kill you next time or your kids. Take no chances.

I just wanted to reiterate this fantastic advice

He adores me, he truly does, but he likes to throw money at a situation to fix it and I think I push him to the point where he doesn’t understand why I’m upset.

Bloody hell I just saw this ☝️

This is categorically, definitely, absolutely not the behaviour of a man who adores you. And I'm not just talking about the assault today. There are so many red flags in your description of the relationship.

And you have not pushed him into violence. That was his choice. You should be able to voice criticism and not be assaulted or otherwise abused. If a friend told you that her partner had choked her and threatened to stab her, would you wonder what she'd done to drive him to it?

He has threatened to kill you. Report this to Police immediately.

It doesn’t really change anything though, because unless he acknowledges that it was not okay, then it could happen again. Now this is the new normal, how does he escalate it next time to get my attention?

Actually that is not how it works. My violent ex was always sorry and apologetic after hitting me and it didn't stop him doing it again.

It's so traumatic OP. But I agree with PPs: you're minimising this. Which I think is a really common reaction.
But he sounds genuinely dangerous. You never thought he'd do what he did today. How can you be so confident of what he will/won't do next
Him being alone for Christmas is not important.
You being in hospital - or worse - for Christmas is the scenario you have to prevent.
Please ring the police for guidance.

I just don’t want this to be real.

If I was trashing the house it still wouldn’t be okay would it? Or even then he should be shocked by his behaviour and saying but you were awful too.

I don’t know how to get through Xmas. I promise I’m reading what you are all saying, I’m just so shocked that we have been so happy and now we are at this point.

someone we know through business had an accident and is on life support a few days ago and we were saying we had to appreciate each other and what we had because it can be taken away from you in the blink of an eye. I told him these things come in 3s and I was worried I would lose him (he has had bad health in the past) but I never thought I would lose him like this.

nope. his flipping it right back on you and refusing to take any accountability is the biggest , most glaring red flag possible.

OP please stop gaslighting yourself, he does not adore you. You are in danger, you must report this to the police.

Belongings & furniture can be replaced, your life can't. I left exh with nothing more than the clothes we stood up in & ds hamster, we spent our first night in a Travelodge after being got out by the police after exh had tried to set the house on fire with us in it. Ring the police in the morning & report him, leave him on the sofa tonight. The police have DV officers who can help you, hopefully they will remove him & you can stay where you are. If your dc go to school & tell someone what they saw you will be landed with social workers you can't get rid of. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your dc.

Sorry hadn't rtft I would still ring the police if he comes back.

So he feels like you don't 'deserve' a date night, just because you're going on holiday for your birthday? How does make sense? Is he saying he doesn't want to spend any more time with you than necessary? Like as if it's enough energy to go on holiday with you as a birthday present? It sounds incredibly insulting and I would be hurt at that, alone. He sounds quite heartless, insensitive and selfish. It sounds like he gaslights you because he wants to do the bare minimum and have everything his own way. So he is the one twisting things to make you the bad guy, to ease his guilt for being so selfish and thoughtless.

He is also gaslighting you by saying you pushing a bag to one side means you'd go to the extremes of 'trashing the house'. Just for moving a bag out of the way. He sounds like he is projecting what he would do, onto you. It takes a lot of reaching to suggesting pushing a bag out of the way equates to 'trashing the house. A LOT of reaching. He is exaggerating to make you the bad guy, as a way to absolve himself. You pushing the bag out of the way gave him the perfect excuse.

Him grabbing you, and then threatening to stab you is not something you can ever come back from. Ever. Especially saying he wanted to stab you. What sort of devoted husband in love even thinks like that, even has that thought in his head, let alone actually says it? It's not helpful but I would never, ever, ever, ever get in a relationship with anyone involved in the military (or police), ex or current serving. On the whole that area seems to attract a certain type - violent men and they are further trained that way. Most seem to be from experience very conservative and misogynistic also. In my mind, they're dangerous. No matter how charming they appear to be. Him even saying he wanted to stab you is all you need to know about his thought process.

Do you want your children to come across their dead, stabbed mother? Or see it happen? Because when a man utters these violent, hateful, vicious comments, it's always been on their mind for a while, and they usually escalate. Get out now. Take with gratitude that you didn't go on a 'date night' with this maggot. Love sometimes is not enough, don't stay 'for the sake of the kids', save your life so they don't have to deal with the trauma of a dead mum. Take him very seriously when he said he wanted to stab you. It's been in his mind, he is capable of violence, trained for it, and will do it. Take this as fair warning. Your children will be fine. They will adjust. Children are resilient especially if they have a close relationship with their mum. They'd rather have you in their life than not have you exist. Put your kids, yourself and your self respect first. You did not wrong, but you owe it to yourself, and your kids, to take this threat seriously and walk out and not return.

Were you going to trash the house? Have you ever trashed a house?

he doesn’t adore you. He doesn’t even like you. He does not adore you.

who wants to be adored anyway? You want love & kindness & respect & fun & working as a team.

You’re an adult woman with children not a doll to be adored.

In a way it’s nothing personal with abusers. They go looking for a victim. You happened to be there for him.

I bet he tells you your relationship is special & better than other peoples & you have a unique bond.

There is no form of words that you can use to get him to see the wrongness oh his actions because he doesn’t believe he has done anything wrong.

but he’s not calculating.

Yes he is. You said earlier that it was like he had 'planned' what he was going to say. He already set the narrative. On top of that, he used you throwing the basket aside as an excuse to turn the narrative around so you seem 'unstable' and about to 'trash the house'.

This is a very dangerous, highly manipulative, gaslighting and highly calculated man. Everything he says is planned. From your posts, he is VERY calculating.

☝️☝️☝️☝️☝️☝️☝️
do not let him back in the house, whatever he says!!

Protect your children from this man, he isn’t even their father ffs. You have no idea what he is capable of.

I’m sorry to break it to you OP, the danger hasn’t passed because he’s gone. My worry is that all he has to do is apologise and you’d let him back. I have been there, the disbelief and the shock but what you don’t know is that he has cast himself as the victim and his behaviour can’t be challenged because it. Men like him rely on you being to scared to call the Police either out of fear or loyalty.

I remember wanting the apology, some small sign that he acknowledged his behaviour and the impact it had had on me. Instead there was a ‘joke’ about how handy that MacDonalds drinks came with straws, I could barely open my jaw because of the impact it had with the floor when he pinned me to it. I ended it that night but I was still desperate for an apology so that I could un end it. The lack of apology was the best thing that could have happened because I couldn’t excuse it away. He moved out and nine months later it happened again in front of DD and I ended up in hospital. Even with the Police involved and him being sent to prison and more mediation upon his release, he still saw himself as the victim. Hindsight is a marvellous thing but if I had truly comprehended his ‘I’m putting myself first’ statement during our first stint of mediation, I would have understood the extent to how much he saw me as a lesser being. There were flashes of his contempt for me but I dismissed them because for the most part he was cordial.

As long as he sees himself the victim and you the perpetrator, you will always be in danger. This man has serious issues and your love for him can not change that. I know you think calling the Police is a no way back action but what happened needs to be acknowledged and documented because it did happened.