Fight turned physical, can we salvage this?

[Ineedausername2]

We have been married 6 months, living together about 5 in total. No kids together, but several children between us who are all very close to us both and settled living with us.

we have been having a rough patch lately, I feel unappreciated and he feels I’m constantly having a go and that he’s forced into apologising because I push him to take the blame for things. I try and say how I feel, but he feels I’m twisting things when I do this, and so communication has stalled. That said, we love each other very much and are incredibly happy the majority of the time.

this morning we had another argument - we had a babysitter booked so we could go on a (rare) date, but he was wanted to cancel and I said I felt un important because of this. He feels he is showing me I’m important as we are going on holiday for my birthday and so we don’t need a date too. He started getting angry with me, saying he couldn’t say anything right and in frustration I pushed a load of laundry off the side and a bag of Christmas presents I’d wrapped went with it. I was COMPLETELY out of order, i acted in frustration and I very much need to address this as it isn’t the way I want to behave or should have. I’m not ignoring my huge part in this, I promise.

in return though, DH sort of picked me up by my hoody at the neck and pushed me. I was shouting “what are you doing?” Which he has now said was me manipulating the situation to make it sound worse than it was. I was in complete shock and just stood there crying, he was incredibly angry saying I had broke him.

i went out to the car where one of our kids was waiting and had seen me be pushed up against the glass of the patio door, and reassured them
i was okay. I then went back in the house and DH said I should leave as he wanted to stab me. He then hugged me and said I’d made him the bad guy again, he had never hurt a woman ever and he wasn’t pushing me he was moving me out the way to stop me trashing the house.

it sounds horrendous on paper, I get that. Neither of us come off well, but I had no idea it was going to escalate when I pushed the laundry off the side. We are normally so happy, I love him. He loves me. I took our kids to the cinema, and he messaged to say he loved me. I’ve come home and we are clearly not talking properly but are being polite to each other.

i don’t know how to fix this. It it was my daughter I’d want her to leave, if it was my son I’d be so disappointed and angry in him. Is there any way back from this? I realise most people will say I need to leave, but god, I really don’t want to. I love him and we have this perfect life and the kids would be devestated. I can’t believe I’m writing this.

I just wanted to say I’m safe and he’s gone. It was heartbreaking and I feel horrendous but me and the kids are watching Bluey and I’m holding it together. I’ve put the key in the back of the door so he can’t get in if he comes back, but I don’t think he will. I think he’s checked out now, when he was leaving he was so defensive. I can’t believe tomorrow is xmas eve. This is all so surreal. Thank you for holding my hand this evening, I am exhausted and I know this isn’t over yet, but I feel calmer now he’s at the hotel.

I'm so sorry. It must be so hard.

But if he was actually sorry he's have apologised and acknowledged he was wrong.

Instead he's sticking his feet in having a tantrum and making you feel bad. He has no idea what it's like being so much smaller than someone. Knowing they can seriously hurt you.

He's being a dick.

You've got this xxx

You tipped some washing over.

He grabbed you by the neck and threatened to stab you.

And he is blaming it all on you. 'you broke me', I had to do it as you would have trashed the house' (have you ever trashed a house??), 'you're manipulating the situation by bringing it up' etc etc etc...he is taking absolutely no responsibility for his actions at all and that's why you know you've done the right thing. He actually believes he can justify this disgusting behaviour. You won't be able to change this. Ever

You are being so strong. My heart breaks for you but please never let him come back. He is not even showing any remorse- he is dangerous.

What you've said on here OP, makes me think he needs help, I'm really not saying that to excuse him, I think he's unstable and not in control of his impulses, it sounds as if something in him recognizes this because he did agree to go.
This must be terrifying and extremely upsetting for you.
You mention ptsd, I think what can happen here is that the fear and anger from whatever traumatic events he's been through is like a volcano in his unconscious mind ready to erupt at the slightest thing. ( please note, I say that as a layperson, I have no qualifications in this area)
He sounds damaged and I hope he can accept that and access the help he needs. I'm not saying that to excuse him AT ALL, and none of this is your fault OP, you have to protect yourself from him

It’s to late for counselling after that

This.

Okay, good that you are safe. Please speak to people in RL as well. I hope you can manage some rest tonight and that he leaves you and DC in peace. This is not your fault.

What a horrific day, I’m so sorry.

It’s a line crossed. It would always be at the back of my mind and I’d worry it would escalate further. I’d never be able to relax again around someone who threatened to stab, that it was even a thought they would have as to something you’d do.

Hopefully now he has gone and the door is locked you can start to feel safer.

can your friend help talk you through next steps? It may seem like a mountain but broken down it will be more manageable. If not there are plenty of more wise people on here who can provide support

Are the kids with you? Are they ok or shaken up? They may need help processing this once you’re feeling able. You may need to talk to the ex wife also so she is prepared also should they say something.

If I i had wanted to stab you I would have is hardly a reassuring statement. I am glad you have followed through with starting to separate, who knows where things could have ended up otherwise. Someone chucking washing on the floor is irritating, but escalating to violence is a huge step up from that. Stay strong op!

I’m rereading all my posts and it doesn’t feel real. I feel like I’ve over reacted, but then I remember him grabbing me and i always swore I’d never stay if anything physical ever happened. My friend came round before so that’s 2 people who know now. She thinks he has PTSD for him to flip so suddenly. It doesn’t really change anything though, because unless he acknowledges that it was not okay, then it could happen again. Now this is the new normal, how does he escalate it next time to get my attention?

We currently have 2 homes - one is completely empty and so potentially he could move there and we share furniture from this place, and I stay here with the kids. It’s literally on the same lane, so a bit close for comfort, but would get us through till summer when I can potentially move schools if I wanted to relocate back to where we were before.

i don’t want him to be alone in a hotel for Christmas. I need to go to the shops tomorrow with the kids as we have no food in (I was meant to go today while he watched everyone) I just don’t want this to be happening. I am embarrassed to tell anyone - we literally just got married a few months ago. I’m worried about him x

I am so sorry OP but he is a thug.

You throwing something on the floor, even in anger is not in any way on the same planet as him grabbing you.

Stopping you from thrashing the house is bullshit.
He knows well he is wrong.

He assaulted you and wanted to stab you.

There is no going back.

Your children need you safe and well.

He is not a good man.

He is dangerous.

I'm glad he's gone.

It would still be wise to phone the police.

Re: PTSD. I have this, at times very severely. It does not make me or anyone else I know with it "stabby" or violent.

Sorry op but no, that was not ptsd. He attempted to gaslight and manipulate you during and afterwards. So it was not a loss of control, it was a deliberate power play to intimidate you. Followed by him even trying to make you feel the police wouldn't believe you. He's an evil bastard.

Stop worrying about him. Start worrying about the affect seeing his behaviour will have on your children. They cannot be around a violent man. So put them and your safety first.

He isn't sorry, he has shown you that. Even if he was, he'd still be a threat. Keep him gone.

Also, you don't have to tell anyone anything if you don't want to. Make something up!

i always swore I’d never stay if anything physical ever happened

This indicates that you have always felt unsafe in the relationship. This isn't something that is on a woman's radar in a healthy relationship. You don't have to think "what would I do if he hit me".

You’re safe now. No more drama. Hope you can move on with your life xx

🌺

I don't believe for a second that someone could believe such utter nonsense, let alone say it to a woman whose partner has grabbed her by the neck of her clothes (which is a method of choking someone), told her he wants to stab her and is now engaged in denial and further anger.

I don't know what people like you get out of making up crap like this on internet forums but you are actually at risk of causing a woman with dependant children to take grave risks with her safety. People like you have blood on their hands.

@Newusernameaug I think you are on the wrong thread?

Does he have children? Where are they?

He sounds pretty dangerous to me. I’m so sorry. That he continued to argue with you when you said it made you scared when he said he wanted to stab you? That’s really really bad. He is not safe to be around.