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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Fear of reading a message

160 replies

Captainfairylights · 21/12/2022 22:24

Recently I was introduced to a man by a matchmaking friend. I had admired him for some time from afar. He is temporarily living near to me after his divorce in a flat of another friend while he sorts himself out. We hit it off, spent quite a lot of time together over a short space of time and he decided to rent something more long term in the area. I am newly divorced too and building my life. Anyway, although we hit it off he is not ready for a relationship. Not that we have discussed it directly but it's obvious. Not in a good place overall. I may also not be ready. I felt he was all over the place, very demanding of my time, but not really giving anything of himself. He knows I like him, and I felt was starting to take advantage of that really just for my company. I felt I had to get some clarity into it all, so I sent him a message, saying that although I liked him, if he wanted to spend time with me that he had to value it, that I didn't like short notice meetings or being dropped for other things. That I was further along the road than he was and was protective of the life I was trying to build. I felt relived initially to have been honest. But something has happened that I am gripped with anxiety about his reply. I can see he has replied but I have not looked at the message. If he is cold, or indifferent, this will affect me, and I have become stupidly anxious about it. We are loosely int he same circle of friends, he is now my neighbour and so I can't avoid him. I don't know why I can't face the consequences of telling him how I feel. I do not want to be his gal pal, but I do like him and wish him well, and am not cross if he's not into me (though I would distance myself in that case) I am just seemingly incapable of reading his response to my real feelings. Any advice or insight gratefully received. JUST READ IT isn't quite enough without some insight. Thank you, I know it must seem daft.

OP posts:
junebirthdaygirl · 21/12/2022 22:39

Well done to you for saying exactly what you want so that's a great start. Maybe think what is the worst thing that can be in the message: that he thinks you are over the top and calls a halt to everything. So accept that's what's there so anything else is a bonus. Go for it!!

Batcountry8 · 21/12/2022 22:44

Understandable, glad you called it.
At least you'll know.

Nsky62 · 21/12/2022 22:48

Better to know, you’ve been honest and up front,no misunderstandings,which is great.
just open the message!
let us know

Captainfairylights · 21/12/2022 23:05

Is there literally any world where not reading it is the right thing to do?? (I know there isn't but I am clutching at straws). It was Friday when I sent it. I'm going to seem rude soon. I think I am anxious about the consequences. I don't think he will be rude (as he will have to see me around). I think I am embarrassed that he knows I like him plus I know I don't want to be friends in the way we were developing. The only good reply is something along the lines of, 'I can see why you feel like that, let's have dinner and talk about it' and of all the things he could say, I don't think it's the most likely. I am realising this is why these conversations are best had in person so it's done and dusted! I would have done, but he cancelled a meeting at short notice and this is why I sent the message. We had a tentative plan to meet up at new year he has his kids, I have my dd, they are all around the same age. It's pretty rude of me to go from clearly liking someone to not reading their messages but it's hard to articulate how frightened I am that he might say something that hurts me. The whole thing makes me feel panicky how much I liked him, how unready he is, and how much I don't want to destabilise my new life.

OP posts:
Captainfairylights · 21/12/2022 23:06

Don't know why some words are crossed out in my post!

OP posts:
CuriousMama · 21/12/2022 23:11

Just read it. The longer you leave it you'll end up even more anxious.

You really don't sound ready for a relationship if you're investing so much overthinking in this man.

Newwardrobe · 21/12/2022 23:14

It's probably the thought of him agreeing with you and calling it a day, no one likes rejection but the longer you leave it the harder it will be to make yourself read it.

ShippingNews · 21/12/2022 23:16

The worst reply would be that he doesn't want to see you any more, and you have mentally prepared for that. The best would be " let's have dinner and talk about it", which would need an answer pretty soon. If you have any positive hopes about him, you need to read his answer. Go for it !

BigsyMalone · 21/12/2022 23:20

You are doing great OP. Don't worry about this guy. You do not need a headfuck. Stick to the good life you have built yourself.

RP2211 · 21/12/2022 23:21

You'll stop being anxious once you've read it.

HaggisBurger · 21/12/2022 23:23

You do need to open it. It’s unfair not to. Well done for setting a good boundary. It’s really heathy to do post divorce.

HaggisBurger · 21/12/2022 23:24

Just think - whatever the message is - it will tell you something useful. It will show how he reacts to a healthy boundary. And that’s good information 😄

determinedtomakethiswork · 21/12/2022 23:28

HaggisBurger · 21/12/2022 23:24

Just think - whatever the message is - it will tell you something useful. It will show how he reacts to a healthy boundary. And that’s good information 😄

I agree with this. Whatever it says it will teach you something about him.

beatsin8s · 21/12/2022 23:30

I think the most concerning thing is already you're feeling unhappy with his effort and now you're frightened to read his reply because you think it will be negative.

You maturely explained your feelings, now read his response so you know where you are with this. If he nicely agrees it wasn't meant to be, if he says he understands and lets discuss it, great - if he's an absolute knob about it be grateful you found out now and stay away from him!

You have set your boundaries, you've done the right thing.

beatsin8s · 21/12/2022 23:31

*if he nicely agrees THEN it wasn't meant to be that should say

OneDayFri · 21/12/2022 23:35

It's probably just a sentence long response apologising for wasting your time. After which he'll go completely quiet and you will contact him coz you miss him so much. Then hate yourself for allowing him back then .......

Byfleet · 21/12/2022 23:35

OP there will be no ‘bad’ outcome to reading the message.

He won’t be rude because you have friends in common and live nearby. He will want to keep it civil. The ‘worst’ response would be that he agrees with you that the relationship isn’t going anywhere. And it’s quite possible that it is a very friendly reply, even that he wants to carry on being friends and to see you again. You have nothing to fear from his reply.

melchim · 21/12/2022 23:35

You don't need to read it right away. Sleep on it perhaps, and think of a time when you're relaxed and calm with a cup of tea or glass of wine, or call a friend to sit on the phone while you open the message.

Basically be gentle with yourself. Your conscience knows you have to read his reply, and you will, when the time is right.

Jellybean23 · 21/12/2022 23:36

How would you feel if he hadn't read the message you sent him? You need to put on your big girl pants and open the message.

From your misgivings about opening the message, it does seem like you are not ready for another relationship at all at the moment.

Aussiebean · 21/12/2022 23:38

Ask a trusted person to read it and give you the gist. That way you have support if you need it but don’t actually have to read it if it is negative

Byfleet · 21/12/2022 23:42

Copy and paste it to this thread and we will read it for you

CuriousMama · 21/12/2022 23:42

If you sent yours Fri when did he send his? If it was same day then no matter what his text says I'd say any hope of a relationship is dead in the water.

SouperNoodle · 21/12/2022 23:49

Byfleet · 21/12/2022 23:42

Copy and paste it to this thread and we will read it for you

I'll even proof read it!

Trez1510 · 21/12/2022 23:52

He'll know you haven't read it and assume you're playing games.

HaggisBurger · 21/12/2022 23:53

SouperNoodle · 21/12/2022 23:49

I'll even proof read it!

But he will receive the wrath of MN if he uses “u” and “r” instead of “you” and “are” …