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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Fear of reading a message

160 replies

Captainfairylights · 21/12/2022 22:24

Recently I was introduced to a man by a matchmaking friend. I had admired him for some time from afar. He is temporarily living near to me after his divorce in a flat of another friend while he sorts himself out. We hit it off, spent quite a lot of time together over a short space of time and he decided to rent something more long term in the area. I am newly divorced too and building my life. Anyway, although we hit it off he is not ready for a relationship. Not that we have discussed it directly but it's obvious. Not in a good place overall. I may also not be ready. I felt he was all over the place, very demanding of my time, but not really giving anything of himself. He knows I like him, and I felt was starting to take advantage of that really just for my company. I felt I had to get some clarity into it all, so I sent him a message, saying that although I liked him, if he wanted to spend time with me that he had to value it, that I didn't like short notice meetings or being dropped for other things. That I was further along the road than he was and was protective of the life I was trying to build. I felt relived initially to have been honest. But something has happened that I am gripped with anxiety about his reply. I can see he has replied but I have not looked at the message. If he is cold, or indifferent, this will affect me, and I have become stupidly anxious about it. We are loosely int he same circle of friends, he is now my neighbour and so I can't avoid him. I don't know why I can't face the consequences of telling him how I feel. I do not want to be his gal pal, but I do like him and wish him well, and am not cross if he's not into me (though I would distance myself in that case) I am just seemingly incapable of reading his response to my real feelings. Any advice or insight gratefully received. JUST READ IT isn't quite enough without some insight. Thank you, I know it must seem daft.

OP posts:
KettrickenSmiled · 22/12/2022 15:54

There seems to be no consideration for any anxiety or anticipation he may have felt waiting for a reply from you?

Because it's not necessary.
The guy has form for dropping OP at short notice, when he has something else going on. He's not going to be feeling anxious over her not "seeing" ie reading his message, for a few days.

KettrickenSmiled · 22/12/2022 15:57

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 22/12/2022 08:29

@Sunshineandflipflops she didn't send it with that intention, she was caught by surprise at her emotional reaction to his reply.
This man is not a good romantic prospect, and given he is all over the place himself he likely hasn't paid too much heed or necessarily read much into a message remaining unread for a couple of days, especially a single mum at Xmas time.
I think it would be a fair assumption we are in a no hard feelings either way situation, and as they are in the same friendship circle likely things will just be pleasantly friendly with hopefully less dicking about in future. And that would be a decent outcome.

Suspect this is of of the most balanced & fair posts on the thread.

Hope it helps get OP to a place of "no biggie, just not for me."
Plus "reckon I need some more time before re-entering the dating pool".

KettrickenSmiled · 22/12/2022 15:58

MeJane · 22/12/2022 08:37

He might as well just shoot at your feet with his gun to make you dance, it’s so blatant.

😂😍

KettrickenSmiled · 22/12/2022 16:03

CrocodileFeet · 22/12/2022 09:02

Fuck me, you can't win if you're a pisshead or stopping drinking!
He's not in a good place for a relationship neither are you but no need to have a pop at the bloke's character meanwhile we gloss over the ridiculousness of feeling too anxious to read a couple of texts after so bravely telling him what for. Not exactly a strong independent woman, either. You both have your own problems which is why you should leave well alone. All the poor bloke's doing is trying to get his life together, last thing he needs is all this intensity and snide comments on his desire to sober up. He literally can't win.

Try not to fret Crocodile, he can't actually hear us dissing discussing his drinking problem, mixed messages, arrogance & double standards.

Captainfairylights · 22/12/2022 16:04

I am so grateful for al your responses. I reallt have never been able to look at the bigger picture in things like this. Anxiety makes me just get very closed down in how I think and I can't examine it from different perspectives. And this is a situation that needs approaching without my usual intensity which is why I turned to people on here rather than inflicting it on him. I am glad I took the time away before replying, and glad I have been completely honest with him about why. It's not a good habit of mine hiding but it's good to be truthful about it. I feel things are more clear now between us. He is not ready for a relationship. Neither am I (I see this clearly now). But we like each other and want to spend time together. He has his kids for new year (we are both away on separate christmases), I have my dd and there is a community thing which I will be going to with dd and some neighbours and he has asked to come along with me with his kids. I think that will be nice diffused by others. And helping us in our real lives. I really do feel a personal breakthrough not to do with him so much, as just saying how I feel and explaining what's I can do and what I can't, and finding that the consequences are not dire. Now I think I just have the normal uncertainty of having met someone I like. I can't thank you all enough. It probably won't be the last time I get into this state but at least I have a nice model for how things turned out.

OP posts:
Captainfairylights · 22/12/2022 16:08

Alcemeg · 22/12/2022 09:01

@KettrickenSmiled has done an excellent translation job! 🤩

This guy fascinates you with his charisma and the promise of excitement, but you already know you'd get burned.

I am afraid I would not be able to handle a relationship with him. I think it would be high octane crazy. I think he could really hurt me, not because he's horrible but because I might be consumed.

You've long admired him from afar, you're in awe of him to the point that you can't bring yourself to open his reply to your message in case you've upset him, and last but not least: when setting boundaries, the only way you can bring yourself to do it is by text. I bet you spent ages composing the message, after thinking it over again and again, and that there is no way in the world you could have said that sort of thing to his face.

I'm guessing that you were used to being controlled in your marriage? Was that the kind of relationship where you'd have to write a list of notes to prepare for an argument, and still never won?

I am a mess masquerading as someone who sets boundaries and knows what they want.
Which is fine, because you recognise it, and know it will take time to heal. As someone who has spent years of my life struggling with similar difficulties, please take care around this guy. In the words of Craig Revel-Horwood, it would be a disaaaaaaaaaaaaaster.

You might have got into the habit of putting men on a pedestal. Keep deflating him, not inflating him. "High octane crazy" is not romantic and thrilling, it's just a potentially very damaging headfuck.

Yes, this is very wise. I do this, and am trying to stop. It is very helpful to be reminded.

OP posts:
Captainfairylights · 22/12/2022 16:10

And yes, I was controlled in my marriage and find being assertive with men quite difficult. Because I am going to be around this guy no matter what I really wanted to try and handle it better than I would normally. Or at least differently.

OP posts:
KettrickenSmiled · 22/12/2022 16:16

But we like each other and want to spend time together. He has his kids for new year (we are both away on separate christmases), I have my dd and there is a community thing which I will be going to with dd and some neighbours and he has asked to come along with me with his kids. I think that will be nice diffused by others. And helping us in our real lives. I really do feel a personal breakthrough not to do with him so much, as just saying how I feel and explaining what's I can do and what I can't, and finding that the consequences are not dire. Now I think I just have the normal uncertainty of having met someone I like.

So pleased for you OP.
You've put yourself through a grinding mill for nearly a week (no judgement, anxiety is NOT your 'fault' or a moral failing, & you are taking steps to self-manage)- but look how well it's repaid you. You sought support here, assessed what responses felt right for you, & used it to "feel the fear & do it anyway".

Enjoy the event! - & as you say, safe in the company of plenty of others. 😀

Captainfairylights · 22/12/2022 16:21

DontStopMeNow7 · 22/12/2022 08:53

THIS
100% agree

thanks for this. Taking space even if it seems rude to other people is just something I had to do. I can see it more clearly in myself. It takes me time to process things. I am getting better. It is lack of confidence and assertiveness not consideration. I am normally extremely conscientious about replying to people, too much so sometimes.

OP posts:
Alcemeg · 22/12/2022 16:33

I really do feel a personal breakthrough not to do with him so much, as just saying how I feel and explaining what's I can do and what I can't, and finding that the consequences are not dire.

Well done OP! really pleased for you.

If you're anything like me, which of course you might not be, the only danger in this situation is that you might feel incredibly grateful to him for not reacting negatively.

I stuck with someone chaotic for years because I thought the fact he didn't react the way my ex-DH had (belittling, bullying, gaslighting etc) meant he must possess wonderful compassion and insight. Erm, he didn't... he just used different methods of headfuckery 😁

It's a long journey and I hope that one day you'll feel happy about outcomes even if the consequences ARE dire, i.e. if someone is upset with you. (I'm still working on that one 😉)

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