Fear of reading a message

[Captainfairylights]

Recently I was introduced to a man by a matchmaking friend. I had admired him for some time from afar. He is temporarily living near to me after his divorce in a flat of another friend while he sorts himself out. We hit it off, spent quite a lot of time together over a short space of time and he decided to rent something more long term in the area. I am newly divorced too and building my life. Anyway, although we hit it off he is not ready for a relationship. Not that we have discussed it directly but it's obvious. Not in a good place overall. I may also not be ready. I felt he was all over the place, very demanding of my time, but not really giving anything of himself. He knows I like him, and I felt was starting to take advantage of that really just for my company. I felt I had to get some clarity into it all, so I sent him a message, saying that although I liked him, if he wanted to spend time with me that he had to value it, that I didn't like short notice meetings or being dropped for other things. That I was further along the road than he was and was protective of the life I was trying to build. I felt relived initially to have been honest. But something has happened that I am gripped with anxiety about his reply. I can see he has replied but I have not looked at the message. If he is cold, or indifferent, this will affect me, and I have become stupidly anxious about it. We are loosely int he same circle of friends, he is now my neighbour and so I can't avoid him. I don't know why I can't face the consequences of telling him how I feel. I do not want to be his gal pal, but I do like him and wish him well, and am not cross if he's not into me (though I would distance myself in that case) I am just seemingly incapable of reading his response to my real feelings. Any advice or insight gratefully received. JUST READ IT isn't quite enough without some insight. Thank you, I know it must seem daft.

Or....

the OP would have created an emotional attachment by going to a social event with someone who is highly likely to be a complete timewaster.

who even knows if the swanky party even existed. It could have been a figment of his imagination to hoover the OP back in.

it shouldn't be this complicated this early on, if it is it is highly likely to be a complete waste of time.

To be honest you’re the one who is coming across as not ready for a relationship to me, more than him?

It’s ok to not be ready, or simply to think a relationship with him isn’t what you want, but I do think you’re being pretty rude to him atm. If you want to keep the door open and/or just not feel awkward if you run into him then I think you need to reply pretty soon to apologise for keeping him hanging and say you need a bit of time to process your feelings. Because you really do!

Its sounding like a cheesy xmas movie

This, all of this.

I'm worrying that so many people are egging you on when really this man doesn't sound at all good news. Being very demanding of your time while not giving much in return is a massive red flag. Also the drinkin. I don't know whether it's because he's just out of a relationship or because he's naturally like that but either way it doesn't sound good. Nor does the fact he moved to be nearer you. You've only just met.

You sound naturally very vulnerable, having just come out of a marriage. Hooking up with someone else so soon is a really bad idea when you're still hurting. He is not just a friend as if he were you wouldn't be so invested in the outcome. Seriously, this is not a good relationship for you as a 'friendship' or anything else.

@KettrickenSmiled Arrogant Twat Translator 😆Love it!

Well done for opening it @Captainfairylights . I think you've proven to yourself that you're not ready. You were strong enough to set your boundaries but went into a tailspin thereafter.

My feeling is that you are discovering your values and self esteem since your divorce but then slipping back into doubting yourself, so still need time to strengthen your confidence.

You're well on your way but I think this guy will screw with your head. Not on purpose necessarily, but you are still vulnerable.

His larger than life character, whilen exciting prospect, has disaster written all over it for you right now.

Stay as casual friends. The alternative wil mess with your head. You said something similar in your post. It's not even particularly about this guy.

Enjoy building your new life for yourself on your terms and embrace the peace you need to recover fully.

Also, in a healthy relationship you shouldn't be constantly wondering what things mean and having to ask other people. Romantic movies are terrible for giving us the idea that that's okay and we should be constantly ruminating on the other person and that they change over time. In reality, people don't tend to change 360 degrees because they fall in love. 'He's just not that into you' is a much more honest account of real relationships.

You just need to reply and apologise, I genuinely think I'd claim I didn't see the messages. On most phones you can see when someone reads your messages so he'll know you haven't read them.
Just apologise and ask to meet up sometime. Its fixable, he replied well.

I think it's too early days to call it either way. He might be a flaky arse or he might be being protective of himself and just trying to survive after the trauma of divorce. The lengths he has to go to to prevent himself drinking sounds worrying though whichever it is and your total fear over instilling a small boundary is equally concerning.

It seems like you don't really know what you want from this, neither of you seem ready for a relationship but you don't want to just be his 'gal pal'. I think you like him too much in an unhealthy way and that it's unlikely to be a good relationship for you - I think it could become emotional dependence on your part and he will either be flaky and useless and/or use you as a security blanket.

Just be very careful.

I don’t think those messages change anything. He is sorry (which is good). However message 2 basically says “but this is my life” and “I have a drinking problem”. The third message rather steps over 1 and 2 and goes back to impromptu invite at short notice territory.
Personally I’d take a huge step back. A guy with a brewing alcohol issue is way too dangerous. I wouldn’t even explain I’d just turn down invited to 1:1 things but be pleasant in wider social events. This guy is like a bomb waiting to go off in the middle of your nice happy new life.

This and you are going to appear extremely rude and ignorant for ignoring him. I wouldn't be with somebody (or believe they liked me) if they ignored my
Messages

PS you will now look weird/flaky/childish yourself for appearing to ignore his message.

Apologise for taking your time but tell him you need take things a little more slowly but consistently and it would be great to have a chat about it when you get back.

It sounds like things got too intense too quickly and you don't really have any idea where you stand with him.

@Captainfairylights sorry I'm going against the grain here but I think you should feel terrible. You've treated him appallingly and I hope he runs for the hills

You should have talked over the phone or in person rather than text something this heavy particularly as he is your neighbour (if I understood correctly).

This. Why send a message like that in the first place if you have no intention of reading it or replying for days? That alone would have send me running to be honest as you say you want your time valuing but what about his? It's ok for him to wait for a reply or for you to read it for days? My boundary would have been breached right there.

I hope you can salvage a friendship out of it but it sounds like that's where it ends for you both. I know when I started dating post separation, I thought I was more ready than I was and it's only now, looking back that I can see I wasn't. I took away some valuable lessons from it and did meet my dp sometime later but I had to do a lot of work on myself first.

that I didn't like short notice meetings or being dropped for other things.

Short notice meetings wouldn't necessarily bother me-you say yes or no as you want.

Being dropped for other things-he's not bothered about you per se, just a "time filler"

So the short notice is probably because something of his fell through.

No I agree as well. I think ghosting someone for days after they've sent a reply (and then further replies) to your original emotionally charged message is just bad form. There seems to be no consideration for any anxiety or anticipation he may have felt waiting for a reply from you? Even a brief message saying 'I need time to process all this' within a 24hr period would have sufficed. I wouldn't blame him if he thought you are into self created dramas and emotional game playing. That's how you've come across.

I think both of you aren't ready for any type of relationship as you should just let him go on his way and enjoy his going out, while you work on your anxieties and on yourself. Maybe look into therapy to help you make a new start.

🌺

Having read through the thread, I think your best off out of this OP. You've become real intense about this guy real fast and you sound really vulnerable. It shouldn't be this hard.

@Sunshineandflipflops she didn't send it with that intention, she was caught by surprise at her emotional reaction to his reply.
This man is not a good romantic prospect, and given he is all over the place himself he likely hasn't paid too much heed or necessarily read much into a message remaining unread for a couple of days, especially a single mum at Xmas time.
I think it would be a fair assumption we are in a no hard feelings either way situation, and as they are in the same friendship circle likely things will just be pleasantly friendly with hopefully less dicking about in future. And that would be a decent outcome.

I understand that but she had no idea what was in the reply so to deliberately not read it for days after he sent it is off. If he had not replied for 4/5 days after her initial message then most people would be saying he's not into you/playing games/forget him. They wouldn't be saying "he must be feeling really anxious and not able to read your message".

I'm just saying that if I were in his shoes (and I have been in similar situations of waiting for replies) then I would assume she wasn't going to reply and wasn't interested and move on.

He might as well just shoot at your feet with his gun to make you dance, it’s so blatant.

I understand your paralysis but it was a bit rough to leave him unread for nearly a week. I expect the situation isn't that easy for him either. I'd write a slightly grovelling response apologising for radio silence and maybe giving a little explanation.

OP has treated this flakey, moody man with a drinking problem "appalling" by expressing herself clearly and letting him know where she stands emotionally and re him? He wrote three contradictory messages in response. She owes him nothing. She's not in a relationship with him, and does not owe him anything - let alone swift responses to messages that ultimately just fuck with her head.

Having had more than my share of experience of the should stop drinking, the newly sober, the apparently sober but not really, the man who needs your help staying sober, the man who got shitfaced drunk because you didn't answer the phone while you were in the bathroom and missed his call, etc, I think the OP has done a stellar job in distancing herself from someone erratic whose treatment of her makes her feel lousy.

*appallingly

THIS
100% agree