Fear of reading a message

[Captainfairylights]

Recently I was introduced to a man by a matchmaking friend. I had admired him for some time from afar. He is temporarily living near to me after his divorce in a flat of another friend while he sorts himself out. We hit it off, spent quite a lot of time together over a short space of time and he decided to rent something more long term in the area. I am newly divorced too and building my life. Anyway, although we hit it off he is not ready for a relationship. Not that we have discussed it directly but it's obvious. Not in a good place overall. I may also not be ready. I felt he was all over the place, very demanding of my time, but not really giving anything of himself. He knows I like him, and I felt was starting to take advantage of that really just for my company. I felt I had to get some clarity into it all, so I sent him a message, saying that although I liked him, if he wanted to spend time with me that he had to value it, that I didn't like short notice meetings or being dropped for other things. That I was further along the road than he was and was protective of the life I was trying to build. I felt relived initially to have been honest. But something has happened that I am gripped with anxiety about his reply. I can see he has replied but I have not looked at the message. If he is cold, or indifferent, this will affect me, and I have become stupidly anxious about it. We are loosely int he same circle of friends, he is now my neighbour and so I can't avoid him. I don't know why I can't face the consequences of telling him how I feel. I do not want to be his gal pal, but I do like him and wish him well, and am not cross if he's not into me (though I would distance myself in that case) I am just seemingly incapable of reading his response to my real feelings. Any advice or insight gratefully received. JUST READ IT isn't quite enough without some insight. Thank you, I know it must seem daft.

@KettrickenSmiled has done an excellent translation job! 🤩

This guy fascinates you with his charisma and the promise of excitement, but you already know you'd get burned.

I am afraid I would not be able to handle a relationship with him. I think it would be high octane crazy. I think he could really hurt me, not because he's horrible but because I might be consumed.

You've long admired him from afar, you're in awe of him to the point that you can't bring yourself to open his reply to your message in case you've upset him, and last but not least: when setting boundaries, the only way you can bring yourself to do it is by text. I bet you spent ages composing the message, after thinking it over again and again, and that there is no way in the world you could have said that sort of thing to his face.

I'm guessing that you were used to being controlled in your marriage? Was that the kind of relationship where you'd have to write a list of notes to prepare for an argument, and still never won?

I am a mess masquerading as someone who sets boundaries and knows what they want.
Which is fine, because you recognise it, and know it will take time to heal. As someone who has spent years of my life struggling with similar difficulties, please take care around this guy. In the words of Craig Revel-Horwood, it would be a disaaaaaaaaaaaaaster.

You might have got into the habit of putting men on a pedestal. Keep deflating him, not inflating him. "High octane crazy" is not romantic and thrilling, it's just a potentially very damaging headfuck.

Fuck me, you can't win if you're a pisshead or stopping drinking!
He's not in a good place for a relationship neither are you but no need to have a pop at the bloke's character meanwhile we gloss over the ridiculousness of feeling too anxious to read a couple of texts after so bravely telling him what for. Not exactly a strong independent woman, either. You both have your own problems which is why you should leave well alone. All the poor bloke's doing is trying to get his life together, last thing he needs is all this intensity and snide comments on his desire to sober up. He literally can't win.

Yes but he doesn’t know about it therefore he won’t be affected will he?. Whereas this anonymous thread is designed to support OP and help her make sense of her experience.

You do know a lot of men read and post on here? Who's to say he hasn't?

It's MN. You should be used to the 'anti men' feeling and also a lot of women projecting their own (clearly bad) experiences.

If the OP had written that she's received a message from this man questioning the nature of their relationship and that she'd sent off three replies but had heard nothing for 5 days, he'd still be at fault!

To be honest, if I sent a message to a friend like the one you did, and part of my response was to then invite you to a "swanky" party at short notice, plus I knew you were about to go away for Christmas - I'd pick up the bloody phone and speak to you. If you were my friend. If I valued that......

So unlikely

And what is it that has been said that shouldn’t have been said?

I think I’d just be honest - and say -

“ so sorry I took so long to pick up your messages. It was quite a big deal for me to say what I did in my message to you and I guess after that I needed a little space to sit with that 😄. It was lovely of you to respond and to invite me to X. I’d love to do Y in the new year if you’re free.

assuming of course you do want to continue the friendship. I think his response was fine.

Life's too short for this crap. Red flags from you both. Raise you bar and definitely seek therapy. I was like you and kick myself now.

Oh, a whole orchestra of tiny violins!

Start you own thread of support for flakey headfucker men then.

He is trying to find his feet and keep his head up.
Not the load of rubbish written above.
He owes you nothing.
He replied.
Unless it does become sexual which I suggest you do not, how can anyone not want a person in a similar situation as a friend...much more value in some ways I think.
The guy is recovering his way
Your recovering yours but with very set ideas,,, good luck

Oh, I know this feeling of not being able to open a message or an emaile all too well. The longer I keep it, the worse it gets. I sometimes ask someone else to read it first. Sometimes I wait until I feel overall better and can cope better with the content. Sometimes I go outside to read it or make a phonecall. Sometimes I just bite the bullet. It usually isnt as bad as I think and I feel relieved.

OP, you sound vulnerable and fragile yourself and your gut is warning you to be wary of this "big" character with a drink problem.

You were 100% correct to establish your boundaries and take space.

You have a daughter to protect AND to protect yourself for.

I think @thewinterwitch and @Alcemeg are giving you good advice.

This is NOT who you need in your life now.

Take time and space to heal properly.

Your future self will thank you.

He clearly just wants to be your friend. You said you don't want to be a gal pal and that's what he's offering. If he was interested in something else he'd have made that clear .
Christmas will be a great opportunity for you to reflect on how you want things to be

If you’re “newly divorced and building your life” why on earth do you want to jump straight into another complicated relationship?

Build your own life without the need for a man to validate it for you. If you genuinely can’t manage without a man, date around. Don’t get so full on and intense with the first one to show you a bit of attention.

No way should the OP apologise. For what exactly? She has no obligation to respond within a timeframe and no obligation to explain why either. It all smacks of subservience, the OP is a free agent.

THIS! These are wise words OP, you should listen!

Plus, he really should have called you after having replied to you with a series of messages that you did not respond to.

He invited you to a party on Monday, so if he was really interested - he surely he would have phoned you to see if you were okay and able to make it.

Your initial instincts were correct. When people show you who they are, believe them.

He’s clearly got too much going on in his life right now and needs to sort that out without dragging you along in his drama.
You’ve got your own drama to sort out too, hence why you’re both not ready to be in a relationship.

You’re both relatively fresh out of your previous relationships and trying to find your feet as single people. You both need to work on yourselves as single people until you ready to bring your healthy and positive selves to a relationship. This level of drama and especially at this early stage is not necessary.

You want more. He’s not ready. He’s the wrong person for you, so move on. It’s okay to be single.

Personally, at this stage I would call him and verbally explain that I’ve not been in a good place this last week. Say that you were ill if you don’t want to mention the state of your MH although, I’m guessing that you may not be able to do that.

Stating your boundaries in your message to him was not wrong, but ignoring his multiple responses for a whole week was wrong. Text him back and say you missed his messages as you were ill or your phone’s been playing up, etc. And then let it fizzle out. You both need time alone to sort yourselves out whilst single.

*although, I’m guessing that you may not feel able to call him.

At what point in one of these threads does the OP already have enough different sets of advice to already work with? I hope she stopped reading a few pages ago. These MN advice things go on for days.

👀

@KettrickenSmiled you are spot on. OP read this again!

👀 (and adding that):

This is not a competition to see which PP’s give the best or right advice.

OP posted on MN for advice. They are allowed to read the varying differences of opinion and make their own life decisions regardless of what we all think.

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
If this thread hits the Daily Heil, what;s the betting your comment is the first one quoted?

In other news - you've failed to spot how entitled he feels to OP's time, but how protective he is of his OWN time.
I felt he was all over the place, very demanding of my time, but not really giving anything of himself. He knows I like him, and I felt was starting to take advantage of that really just for my company

Not sure how you missed the double standard:
Man's time: YOU SHOULD FEEL TERRIBLE
Woman's time: YOU SHOULD BE AVAILABLE & ATTENTIVE.
Otherwise, women who can't recognise their own internalised misogyny will police you for valuing yourself.

Neat trick, innit?

This is what I did. Almost these exact words! Encouraged by this amazing response on this thread. I normally torture myself alone and didn't this time. We had an exchange in the middle of the night.