Fear of reading a message

[Captainfairylights]

Recently I was introduced to a man by a matchmaking friend. I had admired him for some time from afar. He is temporarily living near to me after his divorce in a flat of another friend while he sorts himself out. We hit it off, spent quite a lot of time together over a short space of time and he decided to rent something more long term in the area. I am newly divorced too and building my life. Anyway, although we hit it off he is not ready for a relationship. Not that we have discussed it directly but it's obvious. Not in a good place overall. I may also not be ready. I felt he was all over the place, very demanding of my time, but not really giving anything of himself. He knows I like him, and I felt was starting to take advantage of that really just for my company. I felt I had to get some clarity into it all, so I sent him a message, saying that although I liked him, if he wanted to spend time with me that he had to value it, that I didn't like short notice meetings or being dropped for other things. That I was further along the road than he was and was protective of the life I was trying to build. I felt relived initially to have been honest. But something has happened that I am gripped with anxiety about his reply. I can see he has replied but I have not looked at the message. If he is cold, or indifferent, this will affect me, and I have become stupidly anxious about it. We are loosely int he same circle of friends, he is now my neighbour and so I can't avoid him. I don't know why I can't face the consequences of telling him how I feel. I do not want to be his gal pal, but I do like him and wish him well, and am not cross if he's not into me (though I would distance myself in that case) I am just seemingly incapable of reading his response to my real feelings. Any advice or insight gratefully received. JUST READ IT isn't quite enough without some insight. Thank you, I know it must seem daft.

Maybe it's a dick pic. Another guy used to send me those when he didn't know what to say.

So you let him do that more than once?
Come on OP. Tighten up those boundaries.

The whole thing makes me feel panicky how much I liked him, how unready he is, and how much I don't want to destabilise my new life.

Oh OP.
This isn't right.
He is not right for you.

Can you not hear your own instinct, SCREAMING at you?

Ugh. I’m sorry OP, but he sounds like way too much work. Just UGGGH.
the friendship has served some good purpose in your life: this has highlighted some self esteem triggers for you- it has brought up some things you can notice and work on healing.

no one else (ideally. I know this is work) should be able to shake you that much.

when you can trust that you’ll be able to weather and handle anything someone else can throw your way, you’ll know your traumas are finally healing.

and to hell with this guy. I’m sure he’s perfectly nice and blah blah, but he sounds like WORK 😂

Sorry OP I'm late to this but FWIW:

• usually for me, I've learned that if I'm avoiding reading a message it's because the relationship (romantic or platonic) is usually over for me. This is because I know whatever is said will either fall short of my expectations or be v upsetting.

• I think he's in a very selfish place after a break up, which isn't a bad thing for him but for the people around him it isn't great.

• He's motivated by his own wants and needs and that's ok too - for him. He wants to be busy, be out of his flat, be invited places etc which he is entitled to.

• But that doesn't need to mean that you have to sacrifice your peace or what you've built for yourself for him. He's someone that at one stage in life you've got on with and you've both maybe been through similar experiences. You're not wedded to him.

• If you're having a fear based reaction to him (as in, he could really hurt you emotionally etc) that's your gut instinct screaming DON'T DO THIS. You don't have to sacrifice yourself because this person you had no idea existed only a while ago needs a friend or whatever the fuck.

• Swanky party invites don't paper over anxiety.

You're allowed distance from him, politely or impolitely, and that doesn't mean that you mark him down as a never but just as a not right now. Do what you want and need now, not what anyone else wants.

Don’t think {worry’ so much, just enjoy!

You sound like you need therapy. You started the message trail! Being this anxious about a message is ridiculous and from his perspective he’ll think you are playing games. Don’t date anyone else until you sort your shit out.

"Yes, I am afraid I would not be able to handle a relationship with him. I think it would be high octane crazy. I think he could really hurt me, not because he's horrible but because I might be consumed."

Your words. So if a friend were to ask your advice what would you say? Don't do it. His life and problems are not yours. You have no responsibility to reply to him. Step back, breathe. Walk on by and find your own path. He will find his. Do not create problems for yourself where none exist.

You seem very wrapped up in your own self at the moment so it’s not good to be doing this to someone else who is also obviously very fragile. Sort ur head out and then form a relationship- this wasn’t right.

You run a mile from the self-important, arrogant twat.
He didn't give this any reflection, his 'sorry' is meaningless because it lacks depth or personal accountability, he gives you a load of pathetic excuses which also serve to big himself up about how important & popular he reckons he is, & he's trying to make you feel sorry for him into the bargain.

Run his phraseology through an Arrogant Twat Translator & this is what you get:

His life is v random right now.
I refuse to be held accountable for my own decisions, & this is my sly way of informing you that I expect you to accept that.

He tries to stay out of his flat
Poor me, alone & needing a woman to love me, & consider me all wounded & interesting.

and accepts invites at short notice to things
But I am glamorous & important & in demand! COMPETE FOR ME! DANCE FOR MY ATTENTION!

especially if they are things that might help him avoid drinking.
I manfully struggle & have mastered my alcohol consumption! Or ... have I? Not sure. Bit pissed. Anyway my boozing isn't the point, the point IS, I want you to minister to me & my needs, or I might not be able to avoid drinking. Please listen carefully, as I need to also be able to carry on drinking exactly as much as I want, but for it to be somehow your fault. OK?

Really hopes he would see me before we went off to our separate Christmases
(Not sure on this one. Could be genuine, could be wanting to keep breadcrumbing you to keep you on the hook.)

Sorry if he did not seem to take our friendship seriously.
WEASEL WORDS ARE FUN. They have all the benefit of appearing to be sincere, & none of the inconvenience of actually doing anything differently from before. "Sorry if" & "seem" are my 2 best weasels, I saved them especially for YOU. That's how much I care.

Inviting me to a swanky party
Swoon at my VIP lifestyle. I will Love Bomb you til you squeak, baby.

Message him best wishes for Christmas and you hope to catch up when you're back. Simple.

He values your friendship, and has a understandable reason for the flakiness.

He SAYS he values it. He actions don't match those words.

There is no reason for his flakiness other than he is a flake. "My life is random right now" is TwatSpeak for "I am going to be flaky with you."

So from all this it shows that you could well be less ready than he is to date. Your communication anxiety is off the charts.
He is happy to be just friends because he knows he's not ready, whereas you are not happy to wait and be friends and want all or nothing now, but are even less ready as you are obsessing about him like a teen.
You don't even know what you want, either option gives you anxiety, so it's probably best just to carry on ghosting him like you have for the last 5 days, then he will know not to attempt to be friends with you.
Probably need to talk your dating anxieties out with someone professional as it really is not normal to get your head in a twist over a text. Did you actually ever ask him if it would only ever be friendship he could offer you? Do you know for a fact that he'd never be interested in more, did he say that? If so the right thing to do now is no contact so you can get over it.

I don’t think you’re ready to date anyone ATM. Look into therapy and work on yourself.

Life is random?! What a ridiculous thing to say.

THIS

well spotted, yes

I don't think she's ready for a relationship (any type) as is evident in these messages and creating all these dramas instead of reading and replying. I don't think she's in a good place at all.

I also think therapy is a good suggestion.

IMO, OP, neither of you are ready for a relationship. (As others have said)

Please do what others have suggested and get some therapy to help build your self-esteem. Then you can see these flaky guys coming and sidestep them.

Good luck.

Really don't think you're ready for a relationship. Some posters have congratulated you for setting boundaries and being upfront but it came across to me as intense and a bit smug : 'I'm more down the line and I have too much to unsettle for you' and yet you were anxious for days about reading a text so I second the therapy suggestion. This level of anxiety isn't normal. I might feel nervous and put it off for an hour or two but days? no.
He also isn't ready for a relationship and kept using friendship in the text. Neither of you is ready for a relationship. I would say enjoy the friendship but I don't think you will be able to now that you have feelings for him. I would just be breezy and pleasant when I see him and get some therapy sessions or do some introspection.

I can understand why you were nervous reading the message but to be honest I think it’s was a completely over the top reaction . It dies t sound as though you are mentally prepared for a new relationship and are scared if being hurt again . Take some time out and enjoy your new single life , no harm in an odd date but this is way too intense. This is coming from someone who was divorced but ten years on happily married . Good luck 😊

i dont think either of you are ready for a relationship.

Oh, my god. Lucky escape. Well done. You've done nothing wrong. Having got the gist of his messages: Intense, messy, trying to stop drinking... No!

You are not his rehab!

Don't feel guilty for not looking and therefore not replying, that was a healthy self-protective impulse. Have a nice peaceful Christmas, instead. Also, a nice, peaceful life!

Well I think he sounds fine in his messages. Someone to hang out with and get to know as a friend & see whether there is anything there. But tbh it all sounds like way too much drama for this early in any sort of relationship. I don’t know what happened in your marriage OP but you sound as if you probably haven’t really dealt with it (or are your relationships always like this?) Can you do some friendship stuff for a while (with whoever, not nec him(.

Personally I’d be absolutely kicking myself for not reading the messages right away. You could have gone to the swanky party with him as his date, had a great time, danced all night and if things don’t work out long term, then hey-ho. By not reading a message for so long looks odd, not replying is one thing, but not reading looks like you’re either not bothered or playing mind games.

Why don't people just TALK by calling on the phone, rather than text - avoids so much angst.

I would use the Christmas break to place distance between you and him.

its waaaay too intense and you'll end up ruining Christmas by agonising over a non-relationship.

enjoy your new life and relish your freedom!